BeanieBaby

Hi everyone. I just couldn't type Day 1 again in the subject line. But it's Day 1 again. I drank yesterday went home to an upset son - he now monitors me everyday for signs I have been drinking. Just needed to leave after husband came home - and sleeping on the couch of a good friend tonight.

I feel like just giving up. I just need time to sort out why I do this and can't seem to get off this thread mill of everyday stress, bad marriage, personal unhappiness and no family support. Maybe rehab is a good next step? Not sure I can leave my business for a month. Wondering if there's a rehab that is outpatient so I can run my business during the day and just go somewhere to live after hours to learn how to construct a daily life without alcohol. Really need help. Any suggestions welcome.

BeanieBaby

And still trying to heal from this broken rib. I'm a mess. ***sigh***. I'm so much better than this version of life I'm living and I think I need more help than counseling and occasional AA

venuscat

Oh love, I know that feeling of 'I give up'. It's scary. But sometimes, in that very dark place, we find the light again.

I am not in the States, (of course you may not be either ), so I don't know about the rehab day/night programs, but I do know that friends here at SR have done that ~ rehab programs that go for part of the day so you can still work and do the things you need to do...I know many SRs will have the answers to how.

I have been in a very scary place myself for a while, and reaching out and saying yes to the help being offered to me is saving me here.

Whether it's rehab, or daily meetings...it will help love. Perhaps you could go to a meeting every night....just my opinion....but that would help me immensely.

You need to be around people who will help you learn to love yourself again.
I'm glad you are here....we all care about you a great deal.
Huge hugs. ♥

BeanieBaby

Thank you VenusCat for your kindness and advice. Xoxo

venuscat

There will be lots of awesome advice when people wake up love....what I have learned is that I on my own cannot....but we can. ♥

MrPL

Hi BB,

I am sorry about what happened. Please don't give up on yourself, we have all done this before and there is no reason why it can't be different this time around.

You have mentioned a lot of reasons why you are upset and feel under pressure, which seems to be what's driving you to drinking.

Have you told these things to your husband and son? These are people who love you and maybe do not realise the extent of what you are going through on the inside, they are also probably he best ones to help you feel less under pressure.

Hope things get better soon, you can do this and you have our support.

P

Treerat66

Hi BeanieBaby,
We're with you.

Darwinia

If rehab is at all an option I would suggest that. You really seem to want sobriety. Treat yourself to the best chance at it. And it will give you a break from your husband.

BeanieBaby

Thanks to all of you for posting your support. Maybe more info about our family dynamic is helpful. If you don't live with a spouse with ADHD it may be hard to comprehend the level of stress us non adhd spouses go through. I've stopped going on vacations because my husband can't manage a schedule. Mornings are incredibly stressful for them to get out of the door on time. Anytime when we're home could unexpectedly have my husband yelling about a myriad of things. We have zero sex. He spends lots of time playing Pokomon Go with our son - he's more interested in those things vs. having a relationship with me.

Thanks for letting me vent

venuscat

That is a lot to deal with love.

I think the first step is looking after you. Of course, I know you have responsibilities, and they have to take priority, but I would suggest you factor in you as a priority here as well. Add in time for counselling, a meeting, a coffee with a friend....all of these are important. And every bit of nurturing you give yourself will help you to be stronger, and deal with all of the day to day life stuff, no matter how overwhelming it may seem.

You first. ♥

hpdw

Hiya Beaniebaby , just glad you are posting again . Its tough when things aren't so good at home and sorry your going through this . Ive had my share of upset at home in the past and regretfully I drank myself to sleep many times through it all . I wish I had found sobriety in those tough times ( Son at 18 on heroin and police never away ) . I was a coward , I couldn't face it so i drank to escape , never ever did it help anything, Never . he's 34 now with partner a home and a toddler and free of heroin addiction for 10 years but struggles with alcohol now . I am sober 3 months and actively helping him with his drinking or him trying not to drink .
i hope you can get through this rough time , thinking off you .

keeppushing

BB: Venuscat said it far better than I could. I've read a lot of your posts, and you are far stronger than you seem to believe.

This too shall pass.

KP

doggonecarl

Your expectations of support? For getting sober? If so, could you define what you mean by support? What your family is supposed to do?

bexxed

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe you have a husband who spends time playing a game with your son because the other parent is an active alcoholic and might feel like he needs to compensate.

Our behavior affects others in many ways. We need to eat humble pie on this journey to be successful.

BeanieBaby

Regarding family support, My parents are deceased. My two sisters who are much older than me don't keep in touch much and aren't interested in my life or having a relationship. I've reached out so many times and have given up. Aside from my son and husband that's it re family.

I'm sure my husband is super frustrated at this point. It's definitely easier to spend time with our son with games than with me.

venuscat

Sending you more love BeanieBaby. ♥

Hevyn

Hi Beanie. I'm so sorry for the sadness & frustration you're feeling. I think rehab - even if outpatient - sounds like a good thing. It would give you hope that things can change. We know they can. I'm glad you're posting here - we're friends who care & truly understand.

MIRecovery

Sorry for sadness. The thing that is very unfair about alcoholism is when we give a 50% effort we get 0% sober. Make a plan that pulls out all the stops. A plan that has you fighting like you have never fought before. A plan where nothing is off the table. Alcoholism is serious stuff and it takes serious solutions

nyala

Hi Beanie,

It sounds a little trite but "there is no situation so bad, that it can't be made worse by taking a drink" - has saved me from picking up multiple times.

I, too, often feel I have zero support. I won't go into detail, but I'm on the other side of the earth from all of my family and few dear friends. Often feel like my relationship is doomed and literally have no-one to turn to.

However, I go to AA meetings and this allows me to know there is always someone to turn to who will at the very least understand what I am talking about when I share. And will not judge.

Can you afford to take a month away from your business ? All I can say is my business is slowly, very slowly, beginning to turn around after a little over a year of sobriety.

I am very pleased that I took time out to start to get sober when I did. Even though the ( short term ) effect on my business nearly sent it under.

I'm in control now ( so long as I don't drink today ). So what happens is down to me. When things go wrong, I make better decisions and pick myself quickly, having learned from the experience.

I'm missing a lot in life right now. But I know it will return, if I take care of myself.

Sending warm thoughts your way.

Fradley