So confused. Why do I let this happen?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
TW - re: your comment "With him, I feel like it's more of a knee jerk reaction. Much like a 3 year old trying to get their way."
Exactly! A 3 year old trying to get their way *is* using manipulation to get what they want. Not calculated scheming, but using the tools they have (crying, tantrum, etc) to get what they want because *it has worked before*.
Peace to you.
Exactly! A 3 year old trying to get their way *is* using manipulation to get what they want. Not calculated scheming, but using the tools they have (crying, tantrum, etc) to get what they want because *it has worked before*.
Peace to you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords.....it is amazing, isn't it. I think he remembers the things that you liked (when things were good)...and he is trying his best to pull your carrots from the basket....
I imagine that he is thinking "I know what women folk like and I am going to give it to her and she will be happy, again, and, everything will be o.k."
BUT, HERE IS WHERE I SEE THE STICKEY WICKET---he is still in his bubble of alcoholic denial about the alcoholism and its repercussions on him and the family. He has not made the connection between alcohol and the problems....
He views it, literally, from a different filter than you do....
To us...alcohol is the problem....to the alcoholic, alcohol is the solution....
He just doesn't get it...and it is almost pathetic how blind he is.
***but, you DO get it...and you have to make your decisions, as difficult as they may be, on what you DO know..and, not what he Doesn't know....
I think you handled it really well, by the way...
I imagine that he is thinking "I know what women folk like and I am going to give it to her and she will be happy, again, and, everything will be o.k."
BUT, HERE IS WHERE I SEE THE STICKEY WICKET---he is still in his bubble of alcoholic denial about the alcoholism and its repercussions on him and the family. He has not made the connection between alcohol and the problems....
He views it, literally, from a different filter than you do....
To us...alcohol is the problem....to the alcoholic, alcohol is the solution....
He just doesn't get it...and it is almost pathetic how blind he is.
***but, you DO get it...and you have to make your decisions, as difficult as they may be, on what you DO know..and, not what he Doesn't know....
I think you handled it really well, by the way...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
For F. Sakes.
Just now this am. Crazy making.
Thursday we talked about going as a family fishing and packing a lunch. He comes downstairs this am and says: I think I'm going to take the kids to the lake fishing.
I said (in a perfect tone no attitude) ok- I thought we had planned to go as a family?
He replies: I just got the impression you'd rather do your own thing.
Ummmmmm huh? I ask him nicely where he got that idea, as the last we talked about it we planned a family outing.
Then he spits back that I don't seem like I want to do stuff together and I'm happier doing what I do. Oh, and do I need help with dishes or anything? (So random)
So he takes this and twists it. There were more specific hurtful tones and words but 5 minutes later I'm already foggy on the exact exchange. It's crazy making and putting words in my mouth I never said. For crying out loud.
And this sounds so petty ^^^^ but it's these little exchanges that pick at me over time.
Just now this am. Crazy making.
Thursday we talked about going as a family fishing and packing a lunch. He comes downstairs this am and says: I think I'm going to take the kids to the lake fishing.
I said (in a perfect tone no attitude) ok- I thought we had planned to go as a family?
He replies: I just got the impression you'd rather do your own thing.
Ummmmmm huh? I ask him nicely where he got that idea, as the last we talked about it we planned a family outing.
Then he spits back that I don't seem like I want to do stuff together and I'm happier doing what I do. Oh, and do I need help with dishes or anything? (So random)
So he takes this and twists it. There were more specific hurtful tones and words but 5 minutes later I'm already foggy on the exact exchange. It's crazy making and putting words in my mouth I never said. For crying out loud.
And this sounds so petty ^^^^ but it's these little exchanges that pick at me over time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousand words.....Make no mistake...when we change and assert our own boundaries....they notice! They notice, big time!......
Naturally, they will lean on the tools that they are familiar with...the ones that always worked in the past....for a while, they try even HARDER....
I can see that he has, now, inserted a little passive-aggressive twist....
and, he is hitting the guilt button with full force, now....
He is hoping that his persistence will wear you down, of course...he is counting on it.....(because he isn't aware that there is anything else for him to use).....
stay tuned...as, I predict, if he can't get you to pivot...the anger and frustration that he feels will start to show itself, more.....Get prepared for more snide remarks, on th e horizon....
this is tuff stuff....got to be strong, and focused on your goal...
Naturally, they will lean on the tools that they are familiar with...the ones that always worked in the past....for a while, they try even HARDER....
I can see that he has, now, inserted a little passive-aggressive twist....
and, he is hitting the guilt button with full force, now....
He is hoping that his persistence will wear you down, of course...he is counting on it.....(because he isn't aware that there is anything else for him to use).....
stay tuned...as, I predict, if he can't get you to pivot...the anger and frustration that he feels will start to show itself, more.....Get prepared for more snide remarks, on th e horizon....
this is tuff stuff....got to be strong, and focused on your goal...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's NOT petty, you don't have to minimize it. It is manipulation.
When you're in the middle of a forest it is hard to see the forest for the trees, but from my perspective, he is doing everything he can to guilt you into keeping things exactly as they are. Because he recognizes that YOU have all the power in deciding his future. His only options are to get YOU to back down, or to recognize that he has some responsibility to change too, and my friend, he has clearly made his choice. These lovey texts and FB posts are not the result of recovery. They are what he is doing in order to avoid ever having to even consider recovery.
When you're in the middle of a forest it is hard to see the forest for the trees, but from my perspective, he is doing everything he can to guilt you into keeping things exactly as they are. Because he recognizes that YOU have all the power in deciding his future. His only options are to get YOU to back down, or to recognize that he has some responsibility to change too, and my friend, he has clearly made his choice. These lovey texts and FB posts are not the result of recovery. They are what he is doing in order to avoid ever having to even consider recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
So don't say it. Still, you can recognize it for what it is.
You can work on that broken filter of yours that shares with him everything you're thinking. You don't have to comment on, or respond to, everything he says/does. You could just make noncommittal noises like, "uh-huh," "oh, really?" and "that's nice."
ETA: I didn't see the second page of this thread, so I was responding to your previous post.
As for the exchange of the day, you could have just said, "Oh, OK." Every misstatement or twisting of your words doesn't have to be corrected. THAT is the sort of thing that keeps you tied in knots.
You can work on that broken filter of yours that shares with him everything you're thinking. You don't have to comment on, or respond to, everything he says/does. You could just make noncommittal noises like, "uh-huh," "oh, really?" and "that's nice."
ETA: I didn't see the second page of this thread, so I was responding to your previous post.
As for the exchange of the day, you could have just said, "Oh, OK." Every misstatement or twisting of your words doesn't have to be corrected. THAT is the sort of thing that keeps you tied in knots.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
It's NOT petty, you don't have to minimize it. It is manipulation....
..... Because he recognizes that YOU have all the power in deciding his future. His only options are to get YOU to back down, or to recognize that he has some responsibility to change too, and my friend, he has clearly made his choice. .......
..... Because he recognizes that YOU have all the power in deciding his future. His only options are to get YOU to back down, or to recognize that he has some responsibility to change too, and my friend, he has clearly made his choice. .......
he is upping the manipulation quite a bit.
They finally just left, almost 3 hours later.
He was trying to call my bluff on me not going...which is wacko because he uninvited me first this this morning. But of course he twisted it in his own head and was being passive aggressive about me not going. lol. I just said, that's fine- I have plenty to do around the house and it will help to have no distractions.
AH hemmed and hawed and stalled...kids were whining and getting antsy - "Can we GO now?!!!"
He didn't believe that I really wasn't going. He did switch to a lake that is only 10 minutes away...and we will see if they are even gone more than an hour.
So manipulative.
Sums up my life in this once event.
-Make grandiose plans
-sabotage them
-break promises
-put blame or guilt on ME
-I take it and give in or make newer plans to save the day (NOT THIS TIME MOFO)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion
thousand words.....Make no mistake...when we change and assert our own boundaries....they notice! They notice, big time!......
Naturally, they will lean on the tools that they are familiar with...the ones that always worked in the past....for a while, they try even HARDER....
I can see that he has, now, inserted a little passive-aggressive twist....
and, he is hitting the guilt button with full force, now....
He is hoping that his persistence will wear you down, of course...he is counting on it.....(because he isn't aware that there is anything else for him to use).....
stay tuned...as, I predict, if he can't get you to pivot...the anger and frustration that he feels will start to show itself, more.....Get prepared for more snide remarks, on th e horizon....
this is tuff stuff....got to be strong, and focused on your goal...
Naturally, they will lean on the tools that they are familiar with...the ones that always worked in the past....for a while, they try even HARDER....
I can see that he has, now, inserted a little passive-aggressive twist....
and, he is hitting the guilt button with full force, now....
He is hoping that his persistence will wear you down, of course...he is counting on it.....(because he isn't aware that there is anything else for him to use).....
stay tuned...as, I predict, if he can't get you to pivot...the anger and frustration that he feels will start to show itself, more.....Get prepared for more snide remarks, on th e horizon....
this is tuff stuff....got to be strong, and focused on your goal...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by LexieCat
As for the exchange of the day, you could have just said, "Oh, OK." Every misstatement or twisting of your words doesn't have to be corrected. THAT is the sort of thing that keeps you tied in knots.
Hope your afternoon alone was peaceful!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Yes. If only life could be as wonderful as we portray on Facebook.
Someone in an earlier response recommended reading your old posts. This has been an eye opener for me lately.
I suddenly realized three years later and what has happened. The same elusive promises about sobriety. So many relapses and let downs and drama fests. But we are still here because the A's in our lives are still using and not working the program of recovery.
We post and pray and believe for a better day. But ultimately we decide if enough is ever really enough and which of the manipulation we buy into.
If he thought for one second you didn't love him would it be a conversation to have over texting from upstairs. I think not.
Someone in an earlier response recommended reading your old posts. This has been an eye opener for me lately.
I suddenly realized three years later and what has happened. The same elusive promises about sobriety. So many relapses and let downs and drama fests. But we are still here because the A's in our lives are still using and not working the program of recovery.
We post and pray and believe for a better day. But ultimately we decide if enough is ever really enough and which of the manipulation we buy into.
If he thought for one second you didn't love him would it be a conversation to have over texting from upstairs. I think not.
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