Nothing changes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Nothing changes
It's true that nothing changes if nothing changes. And in the last 9 months, I have made some bigger changes. I moved out, started working again, and have renewed my close relationship with friend and family. I even gained several close new friends. I stopped lying about A's addiction to friends and family in an attempt to minimize what had been going on, ended the relationship, and when we did decide to reconcile, I put up clear boundaries for our relationship. Namely, not tolerating his addiction, period. It worked for a time.
And yet, it still feels like nothing has changed. I am so fulfilled in my life outside of him and loving the independence that I have with my new place and job, but the side of things that involve him are a wreck. He has been fully relapsed since June and my boundaries fell apart. I let myself get sucked back into the relationship and the drama of life with an addict. The firm no-contact rule I had for myself for if he started drinking again fell away. And here I am, 133 calls later, trying to track down his drunk a**. Wondering where my addict disappeared to today when I just saw him this morning before work and things seemed fine.
I know: Put down the phone, Jeni. Let it be. Let him make his own choices. Let go of control. Keep living, breathing, and fulfilling obligations. Don't implode because of his recklessness. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Practice self care and keep moving ahead.
The changes in my personal life outside of him have been a good start. But there is clearly more work to do. Work that involves letting him go. The work of leaving him.
"When is enough enough?"... it has become my mantra this summer. How much more am I willing to take? Why would I stay in such an unfulfilling relationship? Why on Earth am I letting his addiction call the shots?
Sorry for the word vomit. My head is really full.
And yet, it still feels like nothing has changed. I am so fulfilled in my life outside of him and loving the independence that I have with my new place and job, but the side of things that involve him are a wreck. He has been fully relapsed since June and my boundaries fell apart. I let myself get sucked back into the relationship and the drama of life with an addict. The firm no-contact rule I had for myself for if he started drinking again fell away. And here I am, 133 calls later, trying to track down his drunk a**. Wondering where my addict disappeared to today when I just saw him this morning before work and things seemed fine.
I know: Put down the phone, Jeni. Let it be. Let him make his own choices. Let go of control. Keep living, breathing, and fulfilling obligations. Don't implode because of his recklessness. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Practice self care and keep moving ahead.
The changes in my personal life outside of him have been a good start. But there is clearly more work to do. Work that involves letting him go. The work of leaving him.
"When is enough enough?"... it has become my mantra this summer. How much more am I willing to take? Why would I stay in such an unfulfilling relationship? Why on Earth am I letting his addiction call the shots?
Sorry for the word vomit. My head is really full.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 23
I really feel for you jeni. It's so so hard to completely let go. Even going no contact I sometimes find myself obsessing over my addict. It sucks and there's really no other way to describe it. It sounds like your brain knows what to do, I hope your heart catches up soon.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: West Wales
Posts: 1,630
Hey Jeni, 9 years is a long time waiting.... congrats on starting to claim your life back.
I spent 4 years with an addict, same as you I was waiting... when I finally had the courage to leave him I felt like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. But thanks to friends and family the landing was soft and I made it through.
He went on a huge bender to 'get over the shock' and 6 months later he stopped drinking. I was pleased for him but I never did go back.
One day at a time Jeni. Your in my thoughts......
I spent 4 years with an addict, same as you I was waiting... when I finally had the courage to leave him I felt like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. But thanks to friends and family the landing was soft and I made it through.
He went on a huge bender to 'get over the shock' and 6 months later he stopped drinking. I was pleased for him but I never did go back.
One day at a time Jeni. Your in my thoughts......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Looks like you did some great work for yourself and a happier life. And your posting, all positive changes you have made. The end of this relationship is nearing and when you are ready you'll do what you need to.
Its not easy ending it and its certainly not easy staying, been there done that!!
Its not easy ending it and its certainly not easy staying, been there done that!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, it sounds as if you've done a lot of work on building a good life for yourself. But when you have, and the alcoholic is still the anchor--still dragging you down--I think that's when we start having some painful realizations.
I'm with atalose--I think you'll get there when you're ready to be there.
Hugs!
I'm with atalose--I think you'll get there when you're ready to be there.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
I'm with Atalose as well. You'll get there. All the signs are pointing in your direction.
Keep in mind while your on this journey, sometimes we expect these relationships to end with a bang, and they don't. They just kind of fizzle. Maybe yours is the fizzle type.
Besides, right now you're so busy focusing on him, where he is, and how he is, that it may be hard to track the subtle changes in yourself, but it sounds like they're there.
Keep in mind while your on this journey, sometimes we expect these relationships to end with a bang, and they don't. They just kind of fizzle. Maybe yours is the fizzle type.
Besides, right now you're so busy focusing on him, where he is, and how he is, that it may be hard to track the subtle changes in yourself, but it sounds like they're there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Here is the thing (and I think I can relate to your post a lot). And I am actually divorced and still feel this connection with my ex-A. And I forbid myself initiating contact.
We can leave them, we can divorce them, but we also spent a long time with them. They were a part of our life. We loved them once, and we possibly still do. No matter how much my ex hurt me, and regardless of all the things I had to go through, moving out, being stuck in a tiny studio with my pets, filing for divorce, paying debts, taking over the loan, discovering that he actually had a "history," and the fact that 10 years of my life just imploded, I will always always be saddened upon hearing that his health is deteriorating, that he is in pain, that he went to hospital again. And I will always wish him best and hope that he will reach out for help. That does not mean that I am dreaming of getting back together, God no!!! It just means I believed he could beat his addiction. But I left because of the way he treated me.
Now, as for leaving or staying, you will know what to do when you are ready. There will be something snapping in you. Like a twig. But what is important is that you keep working on yourself, because as you do and as you detach, your path will become more clear.
We can leave them, we can divorce them, but we also spent a long time with them. They were a part of our life. We loved them once, and we possibly still do. No matter how much my ex hurt me, and regardless of all the things I had to go through, moving out, being stuck in a tiny studio with my pets, filing for divorce, paying debts, taking over the loan, discovering that he actually had a "history," and the fact that 10 years of my life just imploded, I will always always be saddened upon hearing that his health is deteriorating, that he is in pain, that he went to hospital again. And I will always wish him best and hope that he will reach out for help. That does not mean that I am dreaming of getting back together, God no!!! It just means I believed he could beat his addiction. But I left because of the way he treated me.
Now, as for leaving or staying, you will know what to do when you are ready. There will be something snapping in you. Like a twig. But what is important is that you keep working on yourself, because as you do and as you detach, your path will become more clear.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Jeni,
Have you ever thought that if you left that "maybe" he would get his act together? My axh didn't but you never know.
The old saying
"if you leave and he gets sober, good for you
if you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you".
Divorce is a looooooooooong process. There is no reason that if something miraculous happens with him that you can't turn back. You have taken your time and worked your program. There is no way you would have been in this good of shape mentally, a year ago. So pat yourself on your back and keep moving forward. It will all fall into place the way God had intended.
Sending strength and patience my friend, keep working your program!!
Have you ever thought that if you left that "maybe" he would get his act together? My axh didn't but you never know.
The old saying
"if you leave and he gets sober, good for you
if you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you".
Divorce is a looooooooooong process. There is no reason that if something miraculous happens with him that you can't turn back. You have taken your time and worked your program. There is no way you would have been in this good of shape mentally, a year ago. So pat yourself on your back and keep moving forward. It will all fall into place the way God had intended.
Sending strength and patience my friend, keep working your program!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Nothing changes if nothing changes has worked for you, but not for him since he ain't too interested in a-changin'. You've taken some mighty big steps for yourself, though. In the voice of Smokey the Bear... "Only YOU can prevent codependency" 😎
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Jeni,
My story sounds alot like yours in the current moment. So many stories I read sound a lot like mine to be honest.
I, too, have a son with my xA. I, too, have had this hope and dream in my head that some kind of miraculous light will shine for him and he will have an A-HA moment in his life where he realizes happiness and contentment could be had, if ONLY ... he made different daily and life responsible choices.
However, after NINE years for me, and 6.5 years since having our son, he is still the same person. I tried changing him for 7 of those years, got him out of the house for 1 of those years and have been living with him again after letting down my boundaries for another 1 year. It sounds like you had more resolve than I did in as far as you haven't let him back into your home. I am actually moving out of my current house to get away from mine for the last time.
Point it, it is OK in my mind, for me to have made a mistake again. I learned from it. I learned this time, that he isn't changing anytime soon. He doesn't even think there is a problem. I can't wait around and waste another decade of my life wanting and hoping for him to change. I won't do it!! I am worth more. My son is worth more. Last night, me and my son played, and laughed and had a good time. I am letting go more and more everyday and reclaiming my own happiness.
It is hard and I think the best thing is to keep coming back here. Here I am reminded of my own story and reminded there are so many others who have been there and going thru what I am.
Peace and strength be with you.
My story sounds alot like yours in the current moment. So many stories I read sound a lot like mine to be honest.
I, too, have a son with my xA. I, too, have had this hope and dream in my head that some kind of miraculous light will shine for him and he will have an A-HA moment in his life where he realizes happiness and contentment could be had, if ONLY ... he made different daily and life responsible choices.
However, after NINE years for me, and 6.5 years since having our son, he is still the same person. I tried changing him for 7 of those years, got him out of the house for 1 of those years and have been living with him again after letting down my boundaries for another 1 year. It sounds like you had more resolve than I did in as far as you haven't let him back into your home. I am actually moving out of my current house to get away from mine for the last time.
Point it, it is OK in my mind, for me to have made a mistake again. I learned from it. I learned this time, that he isn't changing anytime soon. He doesn't even think there is a problem. I can't wait around and waste another decade of my life wanting and hoping for him to change. I won't do it!! I am worth more. My son is worth more. Last night, me and my son played, and laughed and had a good time. I am letting go more and more everyday and reclaiming my own happiness.
It is hard and I think the best thing is to keep coming back here. Here I am reminded of my own story and reminded there are so many others who have been there and going thru what I am.
Peace and strength be with you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm with healthyagain--XAH was part of my life for many years. The house I live in is full of things he built or repaired. The way I do certain things is b/c he did it that way. To deny that he has had an effect on who I am or that living with him colored my perceptions and thoughts would be completely untrue. To say I don't sometimes miss him would be untrue also.
Weirdly, since we've been divorced for a little over a year and he's been moved out for about 8 months, I find that it's much easier for me to wish him well than it was in the past. I do care about him--a lot still--but I find I care about me too. I see how much I've learned and grown and how much happier and freer I feel, and I'd never trade that for being "together again", especially since to the best of my knowledge he is still walking around the same old circle.
But yeah, it has taken time for me to get here, and travel thru many layers of anger and sadness. I know there are yet more stages of leaving/grieving that will reveal themselves to me as this process continues, but I can't get there till I get there, and that will happen on the Universe's schedule, not mine...
Keep doing what you believe to be the next right thing. You'll get there when you get there, too.
Weirdly, since we've been divorced for a little over a year and he's been moved out for about 8 months, I find that it's much easier for me to wish him well than it was in the past. I do care about him--a lot still--but I find I care about me too. I see how much I've learned and grown and how much happier and freer I feel, and I'd never trade that for being "together again", especially since to the best of my knowledge he is still walking around the same old circle.
But yeah, it has taken time for me to get here, and travel thru many layers of anger and sadness. I know there are yet more stages of leaving/grieving that will reveal themselves to me as this process continues, but I can't get there till I get there, and that will happen on the Universe's schedule, not mine...
Keep doing what you believe to be the next right thing. You'll get there when you get there, too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by letitend 
Jeni,
My story sounds alot like yours in the current moment. So many stories I read sound a lot like mine to be honest.
I, too, have a son with my xA. I, too, have had this hope and dream in my head that some kind of miraculous light will shine for him and he will have an A-HA moment in his life where he realizes happiness and contentment could be had, if ONLY ... he made different daily and life responsible choices.
However, after NINE years for me, and 6.5 years since having our son, he is still the same person. I tried changing him for 7 of those years, got him out of the house for 1 of those years and have been living with him again after letting down my boundaries for another 1 year. It sounds like you had more resolve than I did in as far as you haven't let him back into your home. I am actually moving out of my current house to get away from mine for the last time.
Point it, it is OK in my mind, for me to have made a mistake again. I learned from it. I learned this time, that he isn't changing anytime soon. He doesn't even think there is a problem. I can't wait around and waste another decade of my life wanting and hoping for him to change. I won't do it!! I am worth more. My son is worth more. Last night, me and my son played, and laughed and had a good time. I am letting go more and more everyday and reclaiming my own happiness.
It is hard and I think the best thing is to keep coming back here. Here I am reminded of my own story and reminded there are so many others who have been there and going thru what I am.
Peace and strength be with you.
My story sounds alot like yours in the current moment. So many stories I read sound a lot like mine to be honest.
I, too, have a son with my xA. I, too, have had this hope and dream in my head that some kind of miraculous light will shine for him and he will have an A-HA moment in his life where he realizes happiness and contentment could be had, if ONLY ... he made different daily and life responsible choices.
However, after NINE years for me, and 6.5 years since having our son, he is still the same person. I tried changing him for 7 of those years, got him out of the house for 1 of those years and have been living with him again after letting down my boundaries for another 1 year. It sounds like you had more resolve than I did in as far as you haven't let him back into your home. I am actually moving out of my current house to get away from mine for the last time.
Point it, it is OK in my mind, for me to have made a mistake again. I learned from it. I learned this time, that he isn't changing anytime soon. He doesn't even think there is a problem. I can't wait around and waste another decade of my life wanting and hoping for him to change. I won't do it!! I am worth more. My son is worth more. Last night, me and my son played, and laughed and had a good time. I am letting go more and more everyday and reclaiming my own happiness.
It is hard and I think the best thing is to keep coming back here. Here I am reminded of my own story and reminded there are so many others who have been there and going thru what I am.
Peace and strength be with you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I am always hoping he will change. For me, himself, his kids, our "future". 9 years of hoping and waiting.
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