My Son Gave His Car Away Last Night For Crack
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My mother has been living a life similar to yours. You definitely are not alone. Unfortunately all too many people are suffering due to another person's addiction.
My brother is 42years old. He is bipolar. He abuses drugs and alcohol. He lives on her property,in an old travel trailer right next to her house. He goes in and out of her home on a whim and "borrows" whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.
He can't hold a job. He receives a disability pension(welfare) and from that small amount of money he pays her a pittance of rent, which includes all his utilities including internet. He also gives her money to pay his cell phone bill, that is in her name.He has had several different phones in the last 18months because he breaks them when he is angry or takes them apart when he is delusional. It is she that goes to the store and buys him a new phone when this happens.
He lost his driver's license due to DUIs years ago. She drives him to get groceries. She drives him to doctors appointments. She drives him to his girlfriends house. She drives him to his lawyer visits and court dates. He never pays for gas. They live in a rural setting, the bus is not an option... but walking is, riding a bike would be... but no, she drives him. Sometimes he rides his very old(outlawed) three wheeler atv illegally down the road.
When he is irresponsible with his meds and self medicates with drugs her life is a living hell. The last time this happened there was an incident at his girlfriends house and he was arrested.
She is constantly checking on him. She checks on him physically in his place, she checks if he has eaten, she checks if he has groceries, she checks if he is making and keeping his appointments, she checks to see if he is following his court appointed conditions. She worries and worries and worries some more. He doesn't care and he doesn't respect all that she does and is trying to do for him. He just expects it because she has always done it. He has never had to fully accept responsibility for his actions or inactions because she has always been there to soften the blow or facilitate his life.
She is his mother and he is her child, she loves him...the way only a mother can love. I get that, I am a mother of two young adults myself. She can not see that all her care is enabling him to continue on in his horrid manchild behaviour. And it's killing her.
She sets boundaries... he breaks them... she does not enforce consequences. The cycle repeats with no end in sight.
Like you, like me, like most all parents, she does not want to see her child hurting, sad, hungry, in trouble, sick , homeless or feeling bad in any way. She has told me she would rather have him there for her own piece of mind because she knows he is alive and fed if he is there. She is sacrificing herself ,her sanity, her happiness and tranquility by being so extremely codependant. She just can't see it as the toxic cesspool it is. She is willing to martyr herself to keep him comfortable, all the while not comprehending that she is helping him stay sick.
GoodKarma, I am glad you are setting and keeping boundaries. I wish my mum would too. For both their sakes.
I wish you and your son the best of luck in your situations.
My brother is 42years old. He is bipolar. He abuses drugs and alcohol. He lives on her property,in an old travel trailer right next to her house. He goes in and out of her home on a whim and "borrows" whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.
He can't hold a job. He receives a disability pension(welfare) and from that small amount of money he pays her a pittance of rent, which includes all his utilities including internet. He also gives her money to pay his cell phone bill, that is in her name.He has had several different phones in the last 18months because he breaks them when he is angry or takes them apart when he is delusional. It is she that goes to the store and buys him a new phone when this happens.
He lost his driver's license due to DUIs years ago. She drives him to get groceries. She drives him to doctors appointments. She drives him to his girlfriends house. She drives him to his lawyer visits and court dates. He never pays for gas. They live in a rural setting, the bus is not an option... but walking is, riding a bike would be... but no, she drives him. Sometimes he rides his very old(outlawed) three wheeler atv illegally down the road.
When he is irresponsible with his meds and self medicates with drugs her life is a living hell. The last time this happened there was an incident at his girlfriends house and he was arrested.
She is constantly checking on him. She checks on him physically in his place, she checks if he has eaten, she checks if he has groceries, she checks if he is making and keeping his appointments, she checks to see if he is following his court appointed conditions. She worries and worries and worries some more. He doesn't care and he doesn't respect all that she does and is trying to do for him. He just expects it because she has always done it. He has never had to fully accept responsibility for his actions or inactions because she has always been there to soften the blow or facilitate his life.
She is his mother and he is her child, she loves him...the way only a mother can love. I get that, I am a mother of two young adults myself. She can not see that all her care is enabling him to continue on in his horrid manchild behaviour. And it's killing her.
She sets boundaries... he breaks them... she does not enforce consequences. The cycle repeats with no end in sight.
Like you, like me, like most all parents, she does not want to see her child hurting, sad, hungry, in trouble, sick , homeless or feeling bad in any way. She has told me she would rather have him there for her own piece of mind because she knows he is alive and fed if he is there. She is sacrificing herself ,her sanity, her happiness and tranquility by being so extremely codependant. She just can't see it as the toxic cesspool it is. She is willing to martyr herself to keep him comfortable, all the while not comprehending that she is helping him stay sick.
GoodKarma, I am glad you are setting and keeping boundaries. I wish my mum would too. For both their sakes.
I wish you and your son the best of luck in your situations.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
It took me a long time to see that the comments on my threads that made me upset were the ones I most needed to re-read or mull over as they contained something I was denying or scared to consider. codependents want to rescue the world and we love to give advice. But some of the advice here is exceedingly hard won and is tailored to those who love addicts. If someone takes the time to type up a response on your thread, they care about you and want you to be spared what they went through.
Does your son have a social worker you could reach out to for help? Perhaps the MD who works on his meds can help get resources for your son? What is the care plan for your son if you are no longer able? You have a son with a mental illness and that X factor makes his addiction all the more difficult and heart rending.
If you have someone whose posts always aggravate you, there is the ignore feature you can engage.
I will pray you find a way to peace. All the best.
Does your son have a social worker you could reach out to for help? Perhaps the MD who works on his meds can help get resources for your son? What is the care plan for your son if you are no longer able? You have a son with a mental illness and that X factor makes his addiction all the more difficult and heart rending.
If you have someone whose posts always aggravate you, there is the ignore feature you can engage.
I will pray you find a way to peace. All the best.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
My AB lives with and off my mother, and has since his divorce 25 years ago. He will never change, and why should he? He has a place to drink, money to drink with, food, a bed, and absolutely no accountability. My mom says the the same thing that you did, "I'm not ready to see my son living under a bridge or dead." Okay, but the alternative to that is that he lives on your property and you cut him breaks in hope of seeing some money back. I hope that happens, but I sure wouldn't count on it. Believe me when I say that I know how painful it is to have a son who is an addict. I see it in my own family almost every day. Best of luck to you. Peace.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: NYC area
Posts: 856
I agree with the posters who said that sometimes we need support, not advice "this is what YOU should do because it's what I did..." -- really, I learn a lot from the people who tell their stories. Every story is different, but every story contains pain and heartache, and we can all relate. That's why when I respond I usually say something like "I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I want you to know I read your story and I'm praying for you." First of all, I'm too new to the predicament and wouldn't assume that I have the knowledge to offer to others. Maybe the only thing I would advise is to seek therapy, because it's helping me.
Some of you have been dealing with addicts for many many years and are understandably FED UP, but some of us are experiencing this new and we are optimistic that therapy, love, NA meetings.... and our loved one will recover.
That's why I quoted and thanked someone yesterday, who said that "some of them do" recover - because I guess most people who come and type here are going through hell - if things were great they probably wouldn't be contributing -- so maybe we don't hear enough about those who are doing well. I for one would love to hear those stories -- what worked for you/ your family member who is clean and healthy? THATS something I think would be so much more valuable.
I have to say that whenever I've written about a problem we're having at home I have gotten really great, supportive answers. And I appreciate that so much. Once I got something kind of snarky in return and I was taken back -- did I even want to "come here" anymore? I'm here to learn, not to be reprimanded.
Well, just my two cents.
Some of you have been dealing with addicts for many many years and are understandably FED UP, but some of us are experiencing this new and we are optimistic that therapy, love, NA meetings.... and our loved one will recover.
That's why I quoted and thanked someone yesterday, who said that "some of them do" recover - because I guess most people who come and type here are going through hell - if things were great they probably wouldn't be contributing -- so maybe we don't hear enough about those who are doing well. I for one would love to hear those stories -- what worked for you/ your family member who is clean and healthy? THATS something I think would be so much more valuable.
I have to say that whenever I've written about a problem we're having at home I have gotten really great, supportive answers. And I appreciate that so much. Once I got something kind of snarky in return and I was taken back -- did I even want to "come here" anymore? I'm here to learn, not to be reprimanded.
Well, just my two cents.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: NYC area
Posts: 856
Oh, one more thing -- that's exactly why I've never gone to an NarAnon meeting. When my son was in rehab, part of weekly visiting was a group family session with a social worker who led discussion. One week instead of the social worker leading the group, a Nar Anon chapter came in and conducted a meeting. It was so negative. I talked about being hopeful about my son's recovery... and they just said - you're enabling, you're codependent, don't let him live home, etc. As I said above, maybe they'd been going through rehab/relapse/rehab relapse for years... but this was my family's first experience with rehab and we weren't going to throw our son out because strangers said so.
Even within the social worker's group meetings -- one week it was about what happens after rehab? And I said, he'll come home. And I got blasted by most everyone in the room. Don't let him home. Make him go to a halfway house. Make him live in his car if he has to. NO!
Even within the social worker's group meetings -- one week it was about what happens after rehab? And I said, he'll come home. And I got blasted by most everyone in the room. Don't let him home. Make him go to a halfway house. Make him live in his car if he has to. NO!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by JennaRoseMadre 
Oh, one more thing -- that's exactly why I've never gone to an NarAnon meeting. When my son was in rehab, part of weekly visiting was a group family session with a social worker who led discussion. One week instead of the social worker leading the group, a Nar Anon chapter came in and conducted a meeting. It was so negative. I talked about being hopeful about my son's recovery... and they just said - you're enabling, you're codependent, don't let him live home, etc. As I said above, maybe they'd been going through rehab/relapse/rehab relapse for years... but this was my family's first experience with rehab and we weren't going to throw our son out because strangers said so.
Even within the social worker's group meetings -- one week it was about what happens after rehab? And I said, he'll come home. And I got blasted by most everyone in the room. Don't let him home. Make him go to a halfway house. Make him live in his car if he has to. NO!
Even within the social worker's group meetings -- one week it was about what happens after rehab? And I said, he'll come home. And I got blasted by most everyone in the room. Don't let him home. Make him go to a halfway house. Make him live in his car if he has to. NO!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Yes, I do believe my son has a mental illness. He gets his meds from a mental health organization (MHMRA) for free. If he were to tell his psychiatrist he was using drugs, he would no longer get his medicine for free.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
First off - I'm dealing with a headcold so please forgive me if this makes as much sense as walking through a blizzard in a bikini.
My dad responded in a very similar way when I told him the solution to his problem (my sister stealing from him, continually relapsing, etc) was to kick her out. "Do you want her to die?!"- of course I don't, but through trial and error I realized the more I saved her, the more I helped her addiction. My dad still views her as his 'baby girl', but has made progress.
The sad reality, is that the addict can still die even if they live with you or not. You're not saving them from their own mess; you're just bringing it into your own home. My dad enabled me until I got clean - in active addiction i LOVED it. I knew he'd always bail me out because he didn't want me to lose my house, and I milked that. Once I got clean though... not so much, now that I had an almost $2000 debt to pay off. Without thinking about the consequences, I took advantage of his enabling because it made it easier to keep using.
From an outside view, I know I look like a mega-witch to my sister. But sometimes that's what an addict needs.
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my dad: If you want to let them live with you, that's fine. But don't be surprised when they relapse or exhibit other actively-using addict behaviour.
I wish you the best, and please - try to focus on yourself as much as possible. It's too easy to get sucked into the negativity that is the chaos of active addiction.
My dad responded in a very similar way when I told him the solution to his problem (my sister stealing from him, continually relapsing, etc) was to kick her out. "Do you want her to die?!"- of course I don't, but through trial and error I realized the more I saved her, the more I helped her addiction. My dad still views her as his 'baby girl', but has made progress.
The sad reality, is that the addict can still die even if they live with you or not. You're not saving them from their own mess; you're just bringing it into your own home. My dad enabled me until I got clean - in active addiction i LOVED it. I knew he'd always bail me out because he didn't want me to lose my house, and I milked that. Once I got clean though... not so much, now that I had an almost $2000 debt to pay off. Without thinking about the consequences, I took advantage of his enabling because it made it easier to keep using.
From an outside view, I know I look like a mega-witch to my sister. But sometimes that's what an addict needs.
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my dad: If you want to let them live with you, that's fine. But don't be surprised when they relapse or exhibit other actively-using addict behaviour.
I wish you the best, and please - try to focus on yourself as much as possible. It's too easy to get sucked into the negativity that is the chaos of active addiction.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Plastic it may have been you that told me the same thing. You can live with an addict but not be surprised when they start acting like one.
I am still with my AH and the road has been rough. But I have come to learn that my own choices have consequences as well. I have chosen to live with an addict so I can't be shocked when my home is chaos. I do get mad at myself many times but at any time I can get off the merry go round.
I am working on me and have made progress. GK I will say this. Expecting your AS to pay you back may be setting yourself up for failure. In a perfect world it would get better. But addiction is a progressive disease. Newcomers and oldtimers alike need to know this. Things will and always will get worse if an addict is using. So protect your self and take care.
I hope your AS finds real recovery as it can be amazing
I am still with my AH and the road has been rough. But I have come to learn that my own choices have consequences as well. I have chosen to live with an addict so I can't be shocked when my home is chaos. I do get mad at myself many times but at any time I can get off the merry go round.
I am working on me and have made progress. GK I will say this. Expecting your AS to pay you back may be setting yourself up for failure. In a perfect world it would get better. But addiction is a progressive disease. Newcomers and oldtimers alike need to know this. Things will and always will get worse if an addict is using. So protect your self and take care.
I hope your AS finds real recovery as it can be amazing
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 109
Car money
I don't think you're ever going to see a dime from him about the car or anything else he owes you. Best to cut your losses and move on. He will continue to sponge off of you as long as possible, why wouldn't he? Good luck to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by F50Lurker
I don't think you're ever going to see a dime from him about the car or anything else he owes you. Best to cut your losses and move on. He will continue to sponge off of you as long as possible, why wouldn't he? Good luck to you.
I am trying not to enable and I am not driving him anymore. He has been taking the metro and train everyday. I don't think he is ever going to get well as he has been an addict most of his life.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by GoodKarma
Well he has a job and works everyday. He has no bills other than his cell phone and groceries. He is paying me back the money I loaned him for the car on a weekly basis. He has paid $300. so far and if he stops paying, he will have to find another place to live.
I am trying not to enable and I am not driving him anymore. He has been taking the metro and train everyday. I don't think he is ever going to get well as he has been an addict most of his life.
I am trying not to enable and I am not driving him anymore. He has been taking the metro and train everyday. I don't think he is ever going to get well as he has been an addict most of his life.
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