Delizadee

I'm not waving any flags or anything. I'm trying to kick this ridiculous relapse in the butt but failing. I've recently come out of the hospital on a suicide atempt which naturally made me very angry. To the point of being on permanent watch and tied to my bed and chunks of memory missing thanks to benzos. No wonder why I can't stay sober right? Can't finish any job oroperky. Hyuk hyuk.

Sigh. Team says I need a rounded out approach. Harm reduction on all levels and dealing things as a total. I have been termed chronically suidicidal in conjunction with my borderline tendencies.

I'm very tired and drank more than my allotted amount tonight.
I don't need any great advice. Just re putting myself out there. I need a heck of a lot of help. I'm working with a team and a plan. I have zero hope today. Sobriety didn't work without the rounded out support I needed.
There. Outted. Give it to me straight. I'm working at getting back to meetings and finding a no ns sponor. More tomorrow. Just every day in go to bed Live is a win right now

Dee74

I'm really sorry for what you've been through Del, and I'm sorry you're running low on hope right now.

It is possible to build from there tho - when I first came to SR I had no hope either, but I worked hard to get a day one, and then a day two and so on.

Thats pretty much all you need to focus on right now IMO.

It's not easy - but it is simple.

Do everything you can to avoid pouring alcohol down your throat.

I'm not being facile - that's what I did. First things first.
Give your mind and body a chance to recoup and recover.

Lean on us as much as you need to

It's good to have you back

D

Darwinia

Simplify everything. Concentrate only on not drinking this minute. The minutes will become hours and the hours days. Thats all. For the rest just breathe.

getright15

I feel your pain. I know where you're at mentally as I was also on a 72 hour hold suicide watch after I wanted the cops to shoot me. They tazed me instead.

Probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. Just be sober for today. Don't focus on tomorrow and the next day. You can pick up the pieces and rebuild yourself.

We're pulling for you!

chickippo

i have diagnoses of major depression and anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder and complex PTSD with suicidal ideation. i've been hospitalised a couple of times.

i'm so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. i wanted to give you some hope that things can get better. i'm 2 years 3 months sober, my meds work properly and things are a little easier.

you can do this. honestly, you can. and you deserve the happiness a sober life can bring. you are worth it, i promise.

be kind to yourself, and be well.

InvisibleDanger

I know all too well how you feel right now. I have been there and I always have this little voice in my head telling me that I can end up there again if I don't do things differently. If I drink, it can go downhill pretty fast, but the thing is, if I focus solely on not drinking, I fail utterly. I simply CAN NOT focus on things I can't do, I must focus on what I want in my life.

So, I work hard on finding the little things that make life worth living. I force myself to taste the food I'm eating, to smell the freshly ground coffee, I enjoy the warmth of my cat's fur, the raindrops on a pink rose. I am so lucky, I have so many wonderful things in my life, and I have to make place for these things and make them more important than the things I so badly want to run from.

You can do this, it just takes time and a lot of work. You are a wonderful person, you deserve only the best. PM me at any time if you want to talk.

waywardson8260

Thanks for posting. Alcohol is a tough thing to get rid of as we all know but it sounds like you have a lot of support. You can do this!!!

graced333

Hi - I know well what you are going through. At the end of my drinking and benzo days, I too was found by the side of the road, asking to be shot by the police. Dark, dark days. But, after some sobriety and refocusing, I am joyfully really alive and YOU CAN be TOO. Your own words here "live is a win right now".

Lightning Bug

Glad you have a plan. Keep checking in with us. It helps.

Delizadee

Thanks for the words guys. I jumped out of bed this morning and grabbed my coffee and it's a beautiful day.
I try to keep things as simple as possible and keep trying to make good, small decisions. The black and white thinking is disastrous for me.
I know I want to get back to that sobriety level. Not living dry drunk as I've done for many years at a time. I've got some hope.. keep reaching out. I know have value. SR has to be part of the plan too. The next few weeks are about taking care of me.

So sorry you got tazed!! I was not a happy person in the hospital that's for sure. They lethrow me out when I was pretty sedated and it took a few hours of wandering around out of my mind before I tried to cut my wrists.

I don't want to die. I just don't want to live in he'll anymore. Baby steps to get there. My counselors keep saying to look at the positives and be proud of how far I've come. I can now function semi normally had a job, got my own place and dealing with the tough stuff of life and closing down the painful chapter of moving off the farm.
Baby steps. I get to meet with a fantastic mental health nurse who has some good pull with psychiatrists and going to start tackling everything... Sorry I'm probably repeating myself.
I'm back though. I need to be here.
Too much to do.

Dee74

Keep posting Del

D

Jsbodhi

Welcome back my fellow Canadian!!
Thinking of you xoxo

tomsteve

im glad your back a d wanting to get sober again. it really suck to read people end a relapse with a drink and are back in active alcoholism.
but there is a solution and its going to take time.

one second at a time if necesaary.

Hevyn

It's good to see you posting, Delizadee. Relieved to know you feel a bit brighter today. Please keep talking.