pndm07

Thanks Adeline Rose. Nothing special planned for today - I am pretty busy at work which is a good thing (keeps me grounded in reality). Honestly, lame as it sounds but just relaxing with the tv on in the evening is the highlight of my day these days. I hope that as I heal I can do more with my life, but right now (particularly as I'm still healing from hip surgery) that's about all I can handle. On Saturday I have physical therapy as part of my post-rehab for my hip surgery. I am looking forward to that. I am trying to really, really take the focus off what is going on with AH and just breathe deeply and be gentle on myself and take good care of my son. So much attention has gone into this craziness and it's not fair to us who've been at the receiving end. Hugs and thanks again.

NYCDoglvr

I'm praying for your family. A very big hug.

abp280

Hello, I'm glad to hear that your AH is likely still in detox. I know the rollercoaster of emotions and it is heart wrenching. I do hope you are taking care of yourself. Hugs.

Sunshine1234

It does get easier. My STBXH changed his phone number shortly after I moved out and went MIA for a few days. Of course I worried like crazy and asked my old neighbors to keep an eye out for me. Once I decided to stop keeping tabs on him the more peaceful my life became. Sometimes he shows up to see the kids and other times he doesn't. I just let him make his own decisions and I make mine. I too don't want him to die and I do still think daily that I may get a call that he's dead. It's a horrible feeling but as you know it's out of our control. Sending hugs too <3

pndm07

Thanks Sunshine. The keeping tabs part is really debilitating. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is not a young child but a grown adult. Yet I am treating this as if he's a defenseless child. We really get conditioned to think of them that way.

dandylion

pndm.....how are you feeling.....
have you recovered from your fright the other day...?

dandylion

pndm07

Thanks dandylion so much for checking up! I'm doing ok today. I managed to spend much of the day focusing on things other than AH, his whereabouts, and craziness (while still hoping he is ok - haven't heard anything new). Hanging out with my ds now and just relaxing . That said, I know I may very well freak out again at some point with all this - I'm still quite the mess! For now I'm trying to take it a moment at a time. Thanks sooo much for your concern. Hugs!

aliciagr

I was reading your post. I am sending my best wishes it works out ok. My husband relapsed recently after years too, and I connect to your experience this way.
Its hard I know.

pndm07

Hi SR friends. An update. AH returned from detox yesterday (he never left, his crazy mother was imagining things). Now the hard part begins (for me). He is fine with signing divorce papers, but I don't think he understands my need for space from him otherwise. He is very fuzzy headed from all the drinking and detox drugs. He's back in AA and I have no idea if it will stick this time - nor should I make it my business to wonder incessantly (wish me luck!).
He asked if I still love him. I said yes, but it's not enough. He keeps saying "I love you" and that's fine, but we all know that words are just air.
My conundrum is, how do I handle this. We have a child, and therefore, I can't go cold turkey NC on him.
At the same time, I need to explain to him, at some appropriate juncture, that his coming in and out of our son's life is very damaging to our son, who, being on the autism spectrum, is already unnerved by sudden changes. I want to do this without it turning into a lecture about his drinking, which is about as useful as hitting one's head on a brick wall. He is not clear headed enough, I think, for any kind of serious conversation now.
When is the right time to have the conversation? The only thing I told him now is that I don't want to be in a position to have to tell our son that his father died from this. Maybe that was even overstepping, but I couldn't help myself. I really would have liked to unleash on him, but that wouldn't help the situation.
I really, really need to take time to heal from this and seeing him a lot is not good for me. I still suffer from the fear that he will continue on this path and as a codie there is always a little guilt there (eg., if I do x, will he drink again? Knowing logically that his drinking has nothing to do with what I do or don't do, but it's the default pattern of thought.
Meanwhile, he thinks his mother (with whom he lives) is still drinking, because he found a half empty bottle when he got back from detox. Harsh as it sounds, I don't really care what she does, but I'm just painting a picture of the insanity which has now been going on over a month. Uggh.

SparkleKitty

Does your son have a regular counselor or physician who can provide some kind of report about the importance of consistency and regularity in his life?

I think now is the time to be getting your ducks in a row, legally and financially. Wherever possible, your lawyer should be making the case regarding custody. The most important thing is what is best for your son. How your AH feels about it is secondary here. While it would be great if you could all agree to act in your son's best interest, his life is simply not stable enough right now for him to even see that it is a priority.