WantsNormal

Hi everyone....

I (49 yr old male)love an addict. She (40 yr old female) is fun and beautiful. We were in a relationship for about 2 years until her addiction took over. Then we were apart but seeing each other for a year. Now at 100 days sober after inpatient treatment, she is really confusing.

I am hoping my feeling are normal and I just need to continue being patient with her. I am very supportive of her recovery and time alone to process her feelings and work with new friends in and out of her meetings. After all, I don't have an addiction and she needs to be with people that live it.

Anyway, I believe that she genuinely loves me. She tells me she does all the time and we talk about a future together. But something has me second guessing her. One day she is very open, feeling and close. The next day she is cold and seems she is pushing me away. It is hard to understand. But I hope it is due to general irritability from addiction.

I understand that her primary focus needs to be recovery and that relationships are hard during early recovery. (And new ones are advised to stay away from. )

Can Anyone tell me what is going on in her head?

AnvilheadII

Hello and Welcome to SR!

you asked: Can Anyone tell me what is going on in her head?

Probably what the screen of an Etch-A-Sketch looks like after an hour in the chimpanzee pen.

Early recovery is tricky and treacherous, in some ways more so than addiction - because where addiction was in many ways predictable and limited in its scope, an addict coming out from under the influence is chaotic, random and mercurial. thoughts careen wildly from one moment to the next, one day to the next. emotions long sodden in alcohol, are just beginning to dry out enough to be felt. there is no longer a shield between them and what they have done. the wreckage of their past lies in start relief behind them.

you seem to have a good grasp on what you are dealing with. i encourage you to not only learn what you can about addiction, but also make sure you take care of YOU in the process. you didn't come thru this without a "ding" or two. and for now, i'd set all the LOVE and FUTURE stuff to the side as best you can.

you may not like who she is fully sober. she may decide to up and move to some place far away and start over. her recovery may not HOLD. see her as the bear just coming out of hibernation.....groggy, crabby, hungry and best given a WIDE berth. love from a distance.

CentralOhioDad

"Probably what the screen of an Etch-A-Sketch looks like after an hour in the chimpanzee pen."

That's a keeper line!!

WantsNormal

Thank You Anvilhead.

I believe in her. I want to support her. But I know this is her fight.

Perhaps I need to formulate a question around the selfish needs involved in recovery. To me it is very frustrating as I want to be involved, supportive, helpful and knowledgeable on her feelings. But I cant be in her head. So hoping I gain more in this forum from those that have been there.

I will try to set aside the talk on love and the future. She needs to live day to day. So I am sure it isnt always helpful. MY only goal in talking about those things is to let her know that she is still very loved despite this disease.

Berrybean

Lol.

OMG this is pretty much spot on for myself in early sobriety.
Had to laugh. Thank goodness for time and for the 12-steps.

LexieCat

Are you in Al-Anon? If not, this would be a very good time to start.

As good and well-meaning your intentions, however grounded in your love for her, your efforts to be "supportive" are likely to backfire. Recovering alcoholics are very sensitive to feelings they are being micromanaged or scrutinized.

The best "support" you can provide is to keep your paws off her recovery and concentrate on your own. You may not THINK you have anything to recover from, but trust me, being in a relationship with an active alcoholic/addict does its damage, whether you see it or not. Al-Anon allows you to turn your focus to your own side of the street--ways you might have been controlling (for her own good), manipulative (for her own good), angry/resentful (because of the ways she has let you down in the past, embarrassed you, etc.).

If you both concentrate on your own respective recoveries, there is no guarantee you will have a blissful relationship (or any relationship at all), but you will both be healthy people, able to have a healthy relationship--if not with each other, then with someone else. Becoming emotionally healthy is a worthwhile goal in and of itself.

WantsNormal

Thank You Lexie! I did try AlAnon I didnt like it. Most of the people seemed angry. I am thinking I should try a new group.

As for my own recovery, I know I have become insecure based on all that has happened. I am not mad at her as she was in the throws of addiction and mostly when we were not even together.

She is so much healthier now. But still in infancy during her recovery. 100 days. I am very proud of her strength and the work she has done.

I do need to work on myself. I think I have been unrealistic in hoping that her recovery and mine would build each mutually with love and respect. I think that what you are saying is they need to run parallel so we bring our best to each other.

I do recognize that this is an uphill battle. I believe there is a lot farther to go, but the steepest part is behind us. Still praying hard for her. and for me to see this issue with clarity.

LexieCat

Yeah, try a new meeting. Try several. And even great groups can have an "off" day where everybody feels in a negative space that night. It happens with any group of people. Somebody will start off negative and it becomes a bitch-fest rather than something helpful.

And yeah, about the parallel recovery part. You should be running on separate tracks for the moment, at least as far as your recovery work goes.