August252015

There is a 99.99999% chance that you will, eventually. What, no one can tell you. Perhaps you will be "lucky" and be able to go through your whole life without losing anything "for real" - but probably not if your situation is as you describe. It typically just gets worse until....

And here is one more thought: if you don't lose anything, say - you keep the money and the cars and the boat and the family...what will your relationships be like? What will your kids grow up to be like - happy and healthy and in a relationship with you?

It takes different stuff/stuffs to get any of us with a problem to quit and get their **** together - bc, IMO you don't have your **** together based on your posts- so what will it take for you? If you want to, that is.

#harshonaMonday

JoeCree

I hear the fear in your voice. You have everything in the world, but you 'know' it's coming to end. Youre too smart to ignore that all the materialistic stuff and your family are going to be lost forever if you continue.

The time is nigh and it is scaring you, which is completely understandable. Dont overwhelm yourself with glorifying every single event which involves alcohol. You have some good sober time under your belt so going at this again should be doable, you have to go longer than 9 months. This time you have to reinvent yourself and understand that as a soberman there will be new passtimes and a different way of life.

Sounds like all you have tried is white knuckling. This is the hardest form of soberliving (im guilty of this too). You have to accept and expect to make changes --- it takes time, relax and let things evolve naturally.

LadyBlue0527

MB8, I truly hope you find your way. Sometimes responses to a post might appear harsh.

Always remember, you're on a board full of people who know how you feel and are silently screaming to get through to you and help you. You help us in reminding ourselves why we are fighting the good fight and we try to help you hoping that you'll see the light.

You're more powerful than you think. Crawl out and let this be the true beginning. You can do this, you really can.

Hawkeye13

Yes--what LadyBlue says.
I think my post sounded harsh looking back on it and I'm sorry for that.

I am afraid for you and your family.
It is so damaging growing up with an alcoholic parent.
You know that, and so do I, and it does sounds like you are worried
you are losing the emotional connection to wife and kids,
which is really what life is about.
My alcoholic mother really was the beginning of my alcoholic journey
and it sounds like it may have been for you too.
It hurts being second to a bottle when you're a kid.

I truly hope you use the resources you have to prioritize sobriety
and turn it into real recovery--just not drinking is a beginning,
but not a happy ending without addressing the underlying pain and insecurity.

Wishing you the best--

MB8

Thank you all so much for the inspiring words. I went outside and hung out with the family for awhile under the new tiki hut, which should be amazing, yet every little thing got on my nerves. Partly cause I feel like crap, and partly, well, I'm not really sure the other partly. I am so blessed and I just can't see it. Why do I feel like I'm missing out if I'm not drinking. Another thing is every friend I've ever had is a friendship based around " Partying ". How do u fix that. Find all new friends? The post about the millionaire hit home. I'm far from a millionaire but I have more than money could ever buy right in front of me. I just have to figure out a way to see it and not let everything get on my nerves. I have definately " white knuckled " my way thru sobriety in the past. I have tried a few AA meetings in the past but unfortunately in my career it's probably not a good thing to be seen in an AA Meeting. I know" would u rather been seen homeless or in jail? ". I get it. It's just tough. I'm going to try to just " not drink ". I guess I'll try the one day at a time thing for now. Atleast tonight is game 7 of the Warriors thunder, so I got that to look forward to. Thanks so much to all on here. What a great community.

MB8

Hawkeye your post was great. Harsh is what works for me, not coddling. If I could punch myself in the face and wake up I would. Something has to click at some point. Just one other quick thing to pass. So they finish my hut that I've been so excited about yesterday and in my sick mind I'm thinking" there is no way I can celebrate this thing sober. I got buffet cranking and u can't enjoy this thing sober. " that's why I said screw it, I'm drinking. So I say to my wife, I'm going to the store, I think I'm going to crash and burn. Just to see her response. She says" do whatever u want " because I know she is done fighting it after all these years. In my sick head that's an invitation to drink. So off I go.... And the rest is history. :-(. She has been so supportive all these years but I think she is done fighting the fight. Who could blame her. Alcohol killed my dad and caused me to have no relationship with him and that's not far off for me. :-(.

On The Road

MB - Alcoholism doesn't care about how much money you make, where you live, what you do. . .it will take the only thing that matters and that's your soul. In my mind, there is no comparison between living in hell and sobriety.

To be sure, you will have to change. You will, in the beginning (as you've already experienced), suffer discomforts. But I promise you, if you stick to your Plan long term and allow time to help you heal, you will see everything you have been missing in the eyes of your children.

Trust me, if I can do this, so can you.

IronPhoenix

MB8 -

Man does your AV have a hold of you.

I golf. I go to the keys to lobster and fish. Like you it was always in the accompaniment of liquor and beer. Had a blast. Now that I don't drink I still do those things and have a blast. Actually, my golf game has gotten way better. I take in more of the lobstering/fishing experience now. We snorkel for lobster (no tanks) and I am in way better shape to stay down under water longer. The guys don't care - I have my sparkling water with a lime in it and everything is just fine.

And I am a way better dad and am more present in my daughters life.

So you can do this my man - you just gotta want it bad enough.

Mcribb

I can relate to the Jimmy Buffet post. I couldn't imagine a life without a cold beer after some hard work. I went to AA went to some doctors. I haven't drank for 6 years now. I got to the heart of why I drank. I don't feel good without it. I have problems with my emotions and the way I think. I work hard everyday to be o.k. with who I am. That gets me through the days without drinking. Without the drinking I am a good son and a good worker. Through the eyes of God I am doing well.

thomas11

MB, you come across as someone who lives their life "full throttle", and that's great. Many of us did or do, but full throttle on the booze will catch up to you. I was a contractor, our lives revolve around kicking ass, making money, and drinking. I had to quit, just had to. It was going to take everything away from me and damn near did. I won't lie, life is different, but I like it this way better. For example, I don't feel like s**t this morning and am not afraid of my wife....you are. I'm still gonna throw some meat on the grill today, just not be drunk when I do it. Stay close to this site man, every day. It helps.

Lightning Bug

Please read and re-read this post today. It is important that you read your own words here. Then read the words of those who have traveled this road before you.

Guess what I am doing today? Packing. I am moving out. I am getting a divorce and will only see my kids twice a week and on weekends. Supervised at first. Does that sound like something you want?

Berrybean

What kind of people do you think have careers where it would be good for them to be seen at an AA meeting? I'm a teacher. I know publishers, solicitors, nurses, surgeons, scaffolders, lorry drivers, mothers, grandmothers, gardeners, cleaners, shop assistants, opticians, and many other professions from within the rooms. I don't suppose any of them would necessarily use their AA membership on their CV, yet most say that their recovery through working the steps of AA and being part of the fellowship has enhanced their performance in their careers. In the end I got so worried my boss would find out about me going to AA that I just told her myself. She was really supportive and sees my striving for recovery as a strength, not a weakness.

One thing that helps most of us recover is getting over the idea that we are different to every other alcoholic. No point dying of terminal uniqueness. There is nothing about you that is different from any other drunk. The good news is that this means that you have every chance of getting sober if you can get to a state of acceptance and willingness. Please, don't less that AV tell you any different!

madgirl

This may or may not resonate with you but I am going to throw it out there anyway.

An old friend of mine had it all - just like you. Married, two kids, successful insurance business, nice house, nice vacations - all that.

He lost everything - the marriage- the business - didn't even bother getting to know his own son in the last four years, and last week after spending the last few years of his life alone drinking, he took his own life. He was 45.

This is not just about whether or not you "can't have fun without a drink." This is your legacy and your LIFE man.

zlhzlh

MB, you have everything in life but it doesnt sound like you have found what makes you happy. I found I drank to take me to a different place, I am sober and now face up to what's really going on in my life. I still have things to deal with, I still would like to drink, but I have realized I can be happy without booze. The person I become when drunk isn't worthy of keeping my family around me, no matter how much I have to offer them drunk or sober.
Booze is the only thing that has control over me, I hate that. Slowly, its starting to lose its grip, but its been hard. There is more to life than drinking though, its a lonely sad life being drunk whilst having so much around you that doesn't really mean anything, you can sit on the most beautiful beach in the world and watch a sunset for free, but if you are alone or so drunk to notice what's the point......

entropy1964

It will take the only thing that matters and that's your soul

Bingo. I haven't lost any "thing". I lost my soul. And unfortunately they don't sell new ones so I have to heal the one I have. If I could buy a new soul, I'd have 10 of them.

MB8

Thanks all. Madgirl, that's an awful story. So sorry to hear that. But I'm glad u shared it because I can definately see that if I were to lose everything. Not sure I would be able to handle losing it all. Went shopping for my girls today at the mall and we went to lunch after. The beers on the menu were looking so good. And I even threw out the statement to my wife " I may just have a few for lunch " waiting for the response of go ahead. Thank god she didn't. All this after feeling like **** this am and saying never again. I barely made it to lunch time. But now it's almost 4 o'clock and my stuffed from lunch so I'm good for now. 7 pm will be a different story though. 😞