Newbie here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 5
Newbie here
Hi all,
I never thought I'd be doing this, but here I am! I've been a social drinker for years and never had any problems moderating at all until the last year. But then it started when I was in my finishing throes of grad school. I started drinking more to cope with massive stress of grad school... and when I graduated, I just kept drinking. I guess I got to about a bottle of wine a day. Then I had my first-ever blackout experience, which was terrifying, because I was awake and conscious and doing things I would never, ever do sober, and I didn't even remember doing it. Now the blackouts are pretty common. Once or twice a month maybe. The worst thing is that when I get drunk, it's like I'm a completely different person. It's like there's a demon in me that pops out. I become a horrible person, especially to my husband.
We both like drinking and it's always been a big part of our social scene. We've tried to scale back for the last few months, and had a bit of success. But I started drinking more in secret. I'd hide stuff in the house and drink it when husband didn't know.
But... it keeps leading to drunk-me coming out and being a horrible person. We had another pretty bad fight last night (which I can't even remember because I blacked it out). I am literally destroying my marriage. And it's also hurting my health, especially my mental health, and my career. I need to stop. But I am completely overwhelmed and extremely depressed. That's where I'm hoping that SoberRecovery can help. I'm grateful to have found this forum.
(Sorry for the super long post, I just needed to get that out).
I never thought I'd be doing this, but here I am! I've been a social drinker for years and never had any problems moderating at all until the last year. But then it started when I was in my finishing throes of grad school. I started drinking more to cope with massive stress of grad school... and when I graduated, I just kept drinking. I guess I got to about a bottle of wine a day. Then I had my first-ever blackout experience, which was terrifying, because I was awake and conscious and doing things I would never, ever do sober, and I didn't even remember doing it. Now the blackouts are pretty common. Once or twice a month maybe. The worst thing is that when I get drunk, it's like I'm a completely different person. It's like there's a demon in me that pops out. I become a horrible person, especially to my husband.
We both like drinking and it's always been a big part of our social scene. We've tried to scale back for the last few months, and had a bit of success. But I started drinking more in secret. I'd hide stuff in the house and drink it when husband didn't know.
But... it keeps leading to drunk-me coming out and being a horrible person. We had another pretty bad fight last night (which I can't even remember because I blacked it out). I am literally destroying my marriage. And it's also hurting my health, especially my mental health, and my career. I need to stop. But I am completely overwhelmed and extremely depressed. That's where I'm hoping that SoberRecovery can help. I'm grateful to have found this forum.
(Sorry for the super long post, I just needed to get that out).
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Farmington
Posts: 18
I can relate. I started drinking heavy when I went back to school years ago (I'm 45 but went back for personal training and started drinking heavy go figure). I also drink at least a bottle of wine a night and I am pretty sure I have black outs of memory loss a lot. The hardest thing for me is I am completely coherent as a drunk and I don't slur words. My writing is impeccable. I just don't remember what I say or write. There were months where I would have full conversations with my husband and kids to completely forget what was said the next day. That's scary stuff and yet not scary enough for me at the time. This week was eye opening in what happens when I drink and when I am sober. I'm on day two right now. Alcohol is a huge part of my life and my husband's so this is challenging to say the least. I'm glad we're both here.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Welcome, and it's very normal to feel overwhelmed and depressed as you contemplate giving up alcohol for good. I had blackouts toward the end of my drinking days and I have never forgotten how really scary they are.
It's a good idea to have a plan for your recovery. I have used books and SR, as well as meditating and exercise. This link is a list of lots of ideas on recovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
It's a good idea to have a plan for your recovery. I have used books and SR, as well as meditating and exercise. This link is a list of lots of ideas on recovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Welcome to SR, twinkleface. I can certainly relate to the path your drinking has taken. I can tell you from much experience that it doesn't get any better the longer the drinking continues. This is a better way of life and I look forward to getting to know you better in recovery.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Twin,
Yes ma'am, sounds like you are an addict.
I would forget parts off my evening after about 5 or 6 oz. Of hard liquor. I would be sipping the 5th snort thinking, this is it...after this...I am gone...I knew it going in...I was addicted...
Cycling a few days clean then binging is poss. As bad as or worse as drinking daily.
Stay clean for about 2 weeks or so, see if your anxiety ramps up. It will seem like...I have been good....time to get drunk. Really, you are recharging the booze stores in your brain. It gets worse each time.
Treat booze as an addictive drug, from now on, is the best way to go. Look at yourself as a drug addict. It hurts, but it helps w my motivation to stay clean.
My wife drinks normally, I think. She has 1 Margarita every 3 months or so.
That doesn't appeal to me, how bout you?
Yes ma'am, sounds like you are an addict.
I would forget parts off my evening after about 5 or 6 oz. Of hard liquor. I would be sipping the 5th snort thinking, this is it...after this...I am gone...I knew it going in...I was addicted...
Cycling a few days clean then binging is poss. As bad as or worse as drinking daily.
Stay clean for about 2 weeks or so, see if your anxiety ramps up. It will seem like...I have been good....time to get drunk. Really, you are recharging the booze stores in your brain. It gets worse each time.
Treat booze as an addictive drug, from now on, is the best way to go. Look at yourself as a drug addict. It hurts, but it helps w my motivation to stay clean.
My wife drinks normally, I think. She has 1 Margarita every 3 months or so.
That doesn't appeal to me, how bout you?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello and welcome!!!
I'm so glad you found this place because it has really helped me.
Read around a lot and participate. I do SR and AVRT and take from other methods that I have learned here.
I could have written some of your post, so much so that I actually read some of to my hubby and asked him what that reminded him of... He said "a horrible time in our lives". He sometimes says things about how much I check in here so I told him THIS is why I come here, to relive it, identify and tell others that it doesn't have to be this way.
I am going to borrow one from MountainMan and thank you for the reminder.
I really hope to see you around.
I'm so glad you found this place because it has really helped me.
Read around a lot and participate. I do SR and AVRT and take from other methods that I have learned here.
I could have written some of your post, so much so that I actually read some of to my hubby and asked him what that reminded him of... He said "a horrible time in our lives". He sometimes says things about how much I check in here so I told him THIS is why I come here, to relive it, identify and tell others that it doesn't have to be this way.
I am going to borrow one from MountainMan and thank you for the reminder.
I really hope to see you around.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Hi Twinkleface. Glad you are here. 
Drinking changed me into someone I didn't recognize. Every time it was in my system I didn't know where it would lead me. It became dangerous to continue. I wish I'd admitted years ago that it was ruling my world. You don't need it. Welcome to a great place for encouragement.
Drinking changed me into someone I didn't recognize. Every time it was in my system I didn't know where it would lead me. It became dangerous to continue. I wish I'd admitted years ago that it was ruling my world. You don't need it. Welcome to a great place for encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
What you are experiencing are the early stages of the destruction alcohol causes in good people's lives. You are smart to recognize it and do something about it. And, I didn't think your post was that long, it was very nice and informative.
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