Worrying about how they feel
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Worrying about how they feel
I blocked axbf's family on social media last night. I had been meaning to do it for a while but a passive aggressive comment left by his mother was the push I needed. I instantly felt better but now am worrying about how they're going to interpret this action and how it reflects on me.
His mother was always passive aggressive and when talking would always try to present something along the lines of, "look at my wonderful family, aren't they all just jealous?". She'd then project onto me that "I think I'm perfect". Such a mind field this whole thing has been! Overall I do feel better so it was definitely time, but I think I'm feeling frustrated at the injustice. I know I'm being painted in a not so good light and not once have they asked about my perspective. Anything I have expressed to them has been met with, "he felt that way too". Really? Interesting, it seems we were the same person....
He has been using my words against me for as long as I can remember and it makes me feel such anger. Has this happened to anyone here? What helped you move beyond that?
The assumptions being made about myself and my motivations/intentions are so far off it feels intentionally hurtful on their part as they know I can't stand it when someone attacks my character. It's obvious to me now when these "passive aggressive attacks" occur and I dealt with it for a long time. Guess it feels weird finally putting a real end to it.
I just want to leave that toxic mess behind.
His mother was always passive aggressive and when talking would always try to present something along the lines of, "look at my wonderful family, aren't they all just jealous?". She'd then project onto me that "I think I'm perfect". Such a mind field this whole thing has been! Overall I do feel better so it was definitely time, but I think I'm feeling frustrated at the injustice. I know I'm being painted in a not so good light and not once have they asked about my perspective. Anything I have expressed to them has been met with, "he felt that way too". Really? Interesting, it seems we were the same person....
He has been using my words against me for as long as I can remember and it makes me feel such anger. Has this happened to anyone here? What helped you move beyond that?
The assumptions being made about myself and my motivations/intentions are so far off it feels intentionally hurtful on their part as they know I can't stand it when someone attacks my character. It's obvious to me now when these "passive aggressive attacks" occur and I dealt with it for a long time. Guess it feels weird finally putting a real end to it.
I just want to leave that toxic mess behind.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Social media is awesome, but it can be devestating to people.
I had to close an account because it had too many coworkers on it. I didn't want them knowing my business. Especially when I posted while drunk.
Regarding the parents of your axbf....if that means alky x boy friend....you did the right thing. Don't let them bring you down.
Moving on is the best medicine. Give your love to someone that deserves it.
Thanks.
I had to close an account because it had too many coworkers on it. I didn't want them knowing my business. Especially when I posted while drunk.
Regarding the parents of your axbf....if that means alky x boy friend....you did the right thing. Don't let them bring you down.
Moving on is the best medicine. Give your love to someone that deserves it.
Thanks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's his family, so there's really no need for you to have any interaction with them or to worry/care about what they think. Families often stick together, even when their loved one is clearly in the wrong. They weren't living your life, so their opinions don't count for anything.
Keep them blocked--no need to deal with them ever again.
Keep them blocked--no need to deal with them ever again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Expanding
I have learned in my own recovery that there are a LOT of people who I can't afford to care what they think about me. Some of these are blood relatives.
Like others posted, this is your ex's family. You can't change him. You can't change them.
I have learned in my own recovery that there are a LOT of people who I can't afford to care what they think about me. Some of these are blood relatives.
Like others posted, this is your ex's family. You can't change him. You can't change them.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If you truly want to leave the toxic mess behind, you have to leave the mess family behind too. Sad, but true.
I was married for 15 years to my X, together for 18 total. Very close to his family. However, I quickly found out blood is much thicker than water.
If you truly want to move forward, don't unblock them and don't worry about how they perceive it, it's not yours to worry about anymore.
I was married for 15 years to my X, together for 18 total. Very close to his family. However, I quickly found out blood is much thicker than water.
If you truly want to move forward, don't unblock them and don't worry about how they perceive it, it's not yours to worry about anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When we fall into that people pleasing wanting others to think highly of us, there is no bottom to that self-defeating self-sabotage inner talk unless we actually change our attitude and thinking.
There is nothing at all wrong with taking care of ourselves, if we need to block people, defriend people, change address’s, jobs……..whatever WE need to do for ourselves is what we need to do……who cares what the people you NEEDED to de-friend thinks or feels. If they truly mattered to you that much you wouldn’t have to de-friend them and instead would sit down and talk to them face to face about how you felt hurt by their comment…………..but they are NOT your friends, they are people that came into your life with your exbf and they become part of that ex factor.
There is nothing at all wrong with taking care of ourselves, if we need to block people, defriend people, change address’s, jobs……..whatever WE need to do for ourselves is what we need to do……who cares what the people you NEEDED to de-friend thinks or feels. If they truly mattered to you that much you wouldn’t have to de-friend them and instead would sit down and talk to them face to face about how you felt hurt by their comment…………..but they are NOT your friends, they are people that came into your life with your exbf and they become part of that ex factor.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
"What other people think of me is none of my business."
Rule #2 of the Four Agreements: "Don't Take Anything Personally" (yes, I keep a copy of the 4 Agreements on my desk, lol)
When I first encountered these sayings/ideas I thought:
It seemed both ridiculous AND impossible. NOT take it personally when someone offends me? What?? It seemed like contradictory thoughts. How can it NOT be personal when someone personally offends me?
I admit, I had to get way farther into my recovery & come back to this point in order to understand it. It's not so much about not being offended as it is realizing that their opinions will always be based on things that you can't control or predict. People tend to externalize onto others (projection) when they feel discomfort inside..... so the more uncomfortable they get, the more offensive their outward behavior tends to get in response.
If they are INVESTED in staying emotionally unhealthy then my decision to go in the opposite direction is going to unravel them on some level - it's threatening even if they don't acknowledge it that way.
So when people offend me in that way - it says everything about them and next to nothing about me. There are those that are going to consistently buy the negative stuff about me despite what they see in my own behaviors with their own eyes/ears & I could spin my wheels forever trying to convince them otherwise, but... why?
Why waste MY time when I could be moving forward & away from that kind of "sheeple" thinking? It's not up to me to change the world, I can barely keep up with the changes necessary for ME. If these relationships aren't serving me in a positive way, it's time to move on even temporarily.
I lost a lot of "friends" in this process and at first it made me sad. I struggled with being alone vs. lonely. (and the need to understand the difference) Then one day I realized it had been a long time since those people had really ACTED like true friends & what I was experiencing was an emptiness where a fullness had been, which wasn't an indication of quality relationships at all anyway. These people hadn't been REAL friends to me in a very long time (if ever) & I wasn't lacking anything they'd previously provided - I was just used to them filling my life up in ways that kept me busy & unable to focus on myself.
Rule #2 of the Four Agreements: "Don't Take Anything Personally" (yes, I keep a copy of the 4 Agreements on my desk, lol)
When I first encountered these sayings/ideas I thought:
It seemed both ridiculous AND impossible. NOT take it personally when someone offends me? What?? It seemed like contradictory thoughts. How can it NOT be personal when someone personally offends me?
I admit, I had to get way farther into my recovery & come back to this point in order to understand it. It's not so much about not being offended as it is realizing that their opinions will always be based on things that you can't control or predict. People tend to externalize onto others (projection) when they feel discomfort inside..... so the more uncomfortable they get, the more offensive their outward behavior tends to get in response.
If they are INVESTED in staying emotionally unhealthy then my decision to go in the opposite direction is going to unravel them on some level - it's threatening even if they don't acknowledge it that way.
So when people offend me in that way - it says everything about them and next to nothing about me. There are those that are going to consistently buy the negative stuff about me despite what they see in my own behaviors with their own eyes/ears & I could spin my wheels forever trying to convince them otherwise, but... why?
Why waste MY time when I could be moving forward & away from that kind of "sheeple" thinking? It's not up to me to change the world, I can barely keep up with the changes necessary for ME. If these relationships aren't serving me in a positive way, it's time to move on even temporarily.
I lost a lot of "friends" in this process and at first it made me sad. I struggled with being alone vs. lonely. (and the need to understand the difference) Then one day I realized it had been a long time since those people had really ACTED like true friends & what I was experiencing was an emptiness where a fullness had been, which wasn't an indication of quality relationships at all anyway. These people hadn't been REAL friends to me in a very long time (if ever) & I wasn't lacking anything they'd previously provided - I was just used to them filling my life up in ways that kept me busy & unable to focus on myself.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Very well said FireSprite! Totally agree.
Regarding projection: It's so true what you wrote. Yes, try not to take anything personal, even when/if someone did mean it to be personal. Still my choice to NOT take it personal.
Regarding projection: It's so true what you wrote. Yes, try not to take anything personal, even when/if someone did mean it to be personal. Still my choice to NOT take it personal.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Thank you all as usual. I've been learning so much about myself. I never thought about myself or my feelings or what I wanted. I gave pieces of myself away until there was nothing left. When we first broke up I literally felt like a shell of a person. I wasn't a tenth of who I used to be. I'm more understanding of self love, self compassion, how we cannot give to others what we do not have ourselves... I'm realizing people tend to listen to reply and not understand, I'm learning that you can't live a full life when you are empty inside, externally focused and totally ignoring your feelings and invalidating yourself (and allowing others to do the same).
I guess it's rubbing people the wrong way when I share these realizations. I am thrilled, these are life changing lessons! I still have unhealthy parts of me that can see their side and see it as personal attacks, but it really doesn't have anything to do with them. Not taking it personal would not only be the healthy thing but the correct thing to do!
I am seeing now how it would've been impossible for me to learn these things still enmeshed in those relationships... it was always taken as a personal attack so any attempt to better myself was stopped because I was made to feel guilty!! I am also now realizing that saying people "made me feel" means I am reacting...
Ahh this is all coming together and is starting to make more and more sense as the weeks go on.
I guess it's rubbing people the wrong way when I share these realizations. I am thrilled, these are life changing lessons! I still have unhealthy parts of me that can see their side and see it as personal attacks, but it really doesn't have anything to do with them. Not taking it personal would not only be the healthy thing but the correct thing to do!
I am seeing now how it would've been impossible for me to learn these things still enmeshed in those relationships... it was always taken as a personal attack so any attempt to better myself was stopped because I was made to feel guilty!! I am also now realizing that saying people "made me feel" means I am reacting...
Ahh this is all coming together and is starting to make more and more sense as the weeks go on.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Expanding 
I'm realizing people tend to listen to reply and not understand
It can rub people wrong to hear about all these realizations you are making - people in my life often inserted judgment into what they heard despite the fact that I was only ever sharing things about myself. It hurt my feelings at first honestly; something so good & healthy & important to me being sometimes outright attacked by people that I thought supported me was confusing & hurtful. My shares were seen more as unsolicited advice.
And in many relationships it was the FIRST time I was hitting this dynamic - these same people had previously asked for my input over & over & over. They were always interested in the things I was excited about. They expected me to take the lead in all kinds of ways..... but this - whoa Nellie, did this topic cause that to come to a screeching halt. It was a blessing in disguise because it gave me distance to see how much I never asked for/didn't want to be in that position in most/all of these relationships anyway.... it helped me see what behaviors had to change along with my mindset so that I could "walk my talk". I couldn't change them & no longer had prioritized caring about it - I'd just keep living it for me, every day.
I couldn't change their reactions but I could stop sharing anything unless asked first, so that's what I did. Watching me walk my talk & become healthier all the time STILL affected people around me. When I first started to lose weight last year (I went through a personal revolution, lol) & it was starting to be noticeable, the first thing my mother said to me in front of her girlfriends was, "So now you're going to start putting it back on, right?" as she tapped her hip/middle area as if to say "that's what we do, right?" I was utterly gobsmacked for possibly the first time in my life. She could not have said anything LESS supportive if she'd tried. But it was about her - her fears, her projection - no matter how personal of an attack it felt.
You are making great progress, keep going!!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
It can rub people wrong to hear about all these realizations you are making - people in my life often inserted judgment into what they heard despite the fact that I was only ever sharing things about myself. It hurt my feelings at first honestly; something so good & healthy & important to me being sometimes outright attacked by people that I thought supported me was confusing & hurtful. My shares were seen more as unsolicited advice.
I couldn't change their reactions but I could stop sharing anything unless asked first, so that's what I did. Watching me walk my talk & become healthier all the time STILL affected people around me. When I first started to lose weight last year (I went through a personal revolution, lol) & it was starting to be noticeable, the first thing my mother said to me in front of her girlfriends was, "So now you're going to start putting it back on, right?" as she tapped her hip/middle area as if to say "that's what we do, right?" I was utterly gobsmacked for possibly the first time in my life. She could not have said anything LESS supportive if she'd tried. But it was about her - her fears, her projection - no matter how personal of an attack it felt.
Sometimes the fight feels exhausting. You realize you had been sleeping and wake up and start to make more conscious choices... then you see that like really does attract like and now suddenly your problems seem to be everywhere. The unhealthiness of who you are/were is reflected back to you in most everyone you currently know and they don't want to hear about it. Not only are you fighting a battle for your happiness but now you have close to no support while doing so and everyone is making your recovery about them! This can feel so maddening, struggling to hold on to what is really happening and not get sucked back in.
What did people do before forums such as this? I would have gone crazy without knowing there were people out there who completely understood where I was coming from and were able to talk me off the ledge. I remember the first post I wrote on here I didn't even know what was real!! Cognitive dissonance I believe is what they call that
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Join Date: May 2012
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The upside that I forgot to mention is that the friends that have survived this process with me are like GOLD to me now. And while those relationships definitely weathered some storms, they came out far stronger on the other side.
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