Wisconsin

So, this little tidbit popped up in my Facebook newsfeed recently. I had never thought about it this way before, but it is so 100% totally right. My STBXAH throws the word "respect" around ALL THE TIME, and this is EXACTLY what was going on in our marriage.

"Sometimes people use 'respect' to mean 'treating like a person' and sometimes they use 'respect' to mean 'treating someone like an authority.' And sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say 'if you won't respect me, I won't respect you.' What they mean is 'if you won't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person.' And they think they are being fair but they aren't, and that is not okay."

Kind of blew my mind, actually.

lostangel011

That is my husband exactly. People just will never learn because they don't Listen to Him (meaning do exactly what he says all the time) or Respect him (meaning treat him like authority)

I love this forum it makes me feel not so crazy and alone and some days that is enough.

Thank you for sharing that. Sorry I don't have esh and wisdom to offer you as I am smack in the middle of crazy but you have helped me by sharing because I don't feel as crazy anymore.

Wisconsin

That's exactly why I shared it, LA. I'm away from it now that I've left STBXAH. But during the Great Reconciliation Demand of last week, the whole concept of respect came up AGAIN. I could never really describe what was going on in simple terms, but I thought this was right on the money. Which is why I shared it--in the hopes it would resonate with others, too.

Refiner

So true. Thugs in prison also have issues about not being "respected" LOL.

hopeful4

This is oh so absolutely true!

Liveitwell

Yep...sums up so much of my experience with not only my exA, but others as well.

Thanks for sharing, W!!

Yurt

A little OT from where this thread was going, but I saw myself as the one in charge, when it came to my DD after I left XAH. My (now) fiancee, told me that we are two adult women (she had just turned 18) that are living in the same house, which definitely changed the dynamics of our relationship. So, I adjusted my interactions and responses and we seem to get along so much better now. It takes work. I often want to revert back to being "Mom", when it is clear that she wants or needs something else, so I always need to be aware of my reactions.
XAH, still talks down to her, talks over her, and can still "Demand Respect", but she has become accustomed to tuning all of that out.

Wisconsin

I'm always so happy to see your name pop up here, Yurt! You are missed!

My heart smiles for all of your serenity and happiness.

Yurt

Thank you Wisconsin. Your posts have always been straightforward and offered clarity when I was wobbly. It's always nice to have someone offer sympathy and a shoulder to lean on, but I can always count on your words to make me think about my own actions, rather than allowing me to feel sorry for myself.

StacyR

I have never thought of it this way. My AH has used this phrase for years and years and I always wondered why it made no sense to me "how" he could feel that way.
Thank you for the insight and taking away a little more of my crazy.
I love SR. It gives me a place to come for hope and a little commiserating with others who really and truly understand.