Forming a normal, healthy, non-codependent romantic relationship
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Forming a normal, healthy, non-codependent romantic relationship
This question came up in another thread, and I think it's a super important topic. I know we have covered it in past threads, but I always appreciate revisiting it, especially as members here come and go.
I have been spending time with my gentleman friend for about six months. I speak ONLY for myself and my own experience. As always, take what you like, and leave the rest.
1. One thing that served as an automatic check against things getting too serious, too quickly, is that he lives about 90 miles away. But the lesson has not been lost on me--we enjoy each other's company very much, but we are not in a position to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week together. I am grateful for that built-in check, because it made it so much easier to just take things slowly. But underneath all of that, I have never felt pressured to offer up more of my time than is reasonable for me, nor have I felt that kind of desperation I felt in past relationships to spend as much time together as possible because my partner filled some sort of emotional void, or I wanted to keep track of what he was doing, or I immediately tied my identity to his identity and the existence of our relationship. So, my first thought is to TAKE IT SLOWLY.
2. As we have bonded over time, I have shared some information with him about my past with STBXAH. In doing so, I have been ultra sensitive to his reactions to the things I have shared. And never...NOT ONE SINGLE TIME...has he ever reacted in a way that made me feel shame, or guilt, or embarrassment, or invalidated in any way. On the other hand, there have been one or two brief comments about how he feels angry that STBXAH treated me that way, but there isn't a lot of "I will kill that guy!" kind of reaction. It's much more along the lines of "you are a smart, strong, and capable person, and I know that you handle your ongoing interactions with him in a healthy way." So, my second thought is to have your radar set to super sensitive for behavior that invalidates your feelings, belittles your abilities, or anything like that.
3. I feel like I am in a relationship where I have emotional room to figure my own stuff out. I know that I can share and talk through things if I want to, but there is no pressure to divulge every single detail of my pain in the moment I am feeling it. If I need time to think about something for awhile (usually this involves taking inventory of my own actions and reactions), I am given that time and space, and always feel comfortable talking through it all once I've thought it out, IF I WANT TO talk it through. So my third thought is that a healthy, non-codependent relationship allows for emotional independence, but also emotional support.
4. My gentleman friend has gone through some pretty rough stuff in his life, as most of us have. However, I have never ONCE seen him assume the attitude of victim. He acknowledges the roles he played in those situations, and has made a conscious choice to leave the past in the past, and focus his energy on building the life he wants and actively making changes in his life to avoid past mistakes. So my fourth thought is that a normal, healthy relationship involves people who are not ruled by their pasts, and who are not bitter about the past every second of every day.
5. Finally, my fifth thought is that I never, ever could have found myself in what so far feels like a healthy, normal relationship if I hadn't made so much progress in my own recovery. Happiness is an inside job, and I am 100% sure that if I had encountered this man a year before I did, or two years, or five years, that the relationship would have failed spectacularly or would have never even started. Regardless of how well-adjusted he is or was, I was still too crazy. Based on his descriptions of how parts of his life used to be, if we had crossed paths several years ago we were BOTH still too crazy. But I spent the last two years of my marriage mourning its death. I spent the first of those two years apart from STBXAH as he worked out of town and I was able to calm myself and reach a certain level of equilibrium. I spent the second of those two years actively planning my departure. But even considering all of that, I still try to stay very in touch with myself, my feelings, and my recovery to make sure I'm not pushing myself too hard in a relationship with someone else. Even though I make a lot of effort to be an engaged and involved romantic partner, my first priority remains my own recovery. So, keep your own recovery first in your mind. When the starts to slip away, I think that is a big danger sign that we are not ready for healthy relationships.
I have been spending time with my gentleman friend for about six months. I speak ONLY for myself and my own experience. As always, take what you like, and leave the rest.
1. One thing that served as an automatic check against things getting too serious, too quickly, is that he lives about 90 miles away. But the lesson has not been lost on me--we enjoy each other's company very much, but we are not in a position to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week together. I am grateful for that built-in check, because it made it so much easier to just take things slowly. But underneath all of that, I have never felt pressured to offer up more of my time than is reasonable for me, nor have I felt that kind of desperation I felt in past relationships to spend as much time together as possible because my partner filled some sort of emotional void, or I wanted to keep track of what he was doing, or I immediately tied my identity to his identity and the existence of our relationship. So, my first thought is to TAKE IT SLOWLY.
2. As we have bonded over time, I have shared some information with him about my past with STBXAH. In doing so, I have been ultra sensitive to his reactions to the things I have shared. And never...NOT ONE SINGLE TIME...has he ever reacted in a way that made me feel shame, or guilt, or embarrassment, or invalidated in any way. On the other hand, there have been one or two brief comments about how he feels angry that STBXAH treated me that way, but there isn't a lot of "I will kill that guy!" kind of reaction. It's much more along the lines of "you are a smart, strong, and capable person, and I know that you handle your ongoing interactions with him in a healthy way." So, my second thought is to have your radar set to super sensitive for behavior that invalidates your feelings, belittles your abilities, or anything like that.
3. I feel like I am in a relationship where I have emotional room to figure my own stuff out. I know that I can share and talk through things if I want to, but there is no pressure to divulge every single detail of my pain in the moment I am feeling it. If I need time to think about something for awhile (usually this involves taking inventory of my own actions and reactions), I am given that time and space, and always feel comfortable talking through it all once I've thought it out, IF I WANT TO talk it through. So my third thought is that a healthy, non-codependent relationship allows for emotional independence, but also emotional support.
4. My gentleman friend has gone through some pretty rough stuff in his life, as most of us have. However, I have never ONCE seen him assume the attitude of victim. He acknowledges the roles he played in those situations, and has made a conscious choice to leave the past in the past, and focus his energy on building the life he wants and actively making changes in his life to avoid past mistakes. So my fourth thought is that a normal, healthy relationship involves people who are not ruled by their pasts, and who are not bitter about the past every second of every day.
5. Finally, my fifth thought is that I never, ever could have found myself in what so far feels like a healthy, normal relationship if I hadn't made so much progress in my own recovery. Happiness is an inside job, and I am 100% sure that if I had encountered this man a year before I did, or two years, or five years, that the relationship would have failed spectacularly or would have never even started. Regardless of how well-adjusted he is or was, I was still too crazy. Based on his descriptions of how parts of his life used to be, if we had crossed paths several years ago we were BOTH still too crazy. But I spent the last two years of my marriage mourning its death. I spent the first of those two years apart from STBXAH as he worked out of town and I was able to calm myself and reach a certain level of equilibrium. I spent the second of those two years actively planning my departure. But even considering all of that, I still try to stay very in touch with myself, my feelings, and my recovery to make sure I'm not pushing myself too hard in a relationship with someone else. Even though I make a lot of effort to be an engaged and involved romantic partner, my first priority remains my own recovery. So, keep your own recovery first in your mind. When the starts to slip away, I think that is a big danger sign that we are not ready for healthy relationships.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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What a great post, Wisconsin! Thanks for taking the time and effort to share all that. I feel like I'm standing on my tiptoes, peeking in the window to NormalWorld, going "oh, so that's what it looks like!!"
I know those lessons are paid for w/plenty of pain, but man, the place you are in now is so far removed from where you were when I first met you here...
I know those lessons are paid for w/plenty of pain, but man, the place you are in now is so far removed from where you were when I first met you here...
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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1) There is attraction, but lacks the "pants on fire" I can't breathe without you feeling that can develop within 24 hours
2) Have mutual interests outside of drinking, bars, weed, or partying.
3) While talking about the past is part of getting to know someone, its not the focus. There aren't endless day long talks about screwed up situations that are long over.
4) The relationship exists in the present and future.
5) Independence is maintained by both, neither stops doing things they enjoy with out the other person.
6) Habits like calling all the time, texting all the time, and being accountable to where "you" are don't start quickly. Late night, middle of the night texts and calls to check in (monitor) never begin.
7) There is nothing obsessive about the relationship. Often times obsession (which is usually on both sides) is viewed as caring about the other person SO much. NOPE
8) The "Love" word doesn't come within the first days, weeks or couple of months.
9) Friendship is a part of the relationship
10) The relationship isn't all about the sex.
11) You don't encounter situations where if you can't get in touch with your new friend that you are filled with terror and vice versa (I'm talking about calling, or texting, and not hearing back within a couple of hours).
12) You don't find yourself doing or changing your personal tastes and desires to do things, not doing things, to accommodate the other person, or to be more like them, or to be who they want you to be.
13) As the relationship grows and love becomes part of it, its not unsettling or obsessive. Its comfortable and strong. Talks veer toward the future and mutual goals rather than talking about each other, your amazing love, amazing sex, and amazing good time like you have never had before LOL.
14) It doesn't involve pressure. It includes respect.
15) If you find one and get to commitment stage, the love and friendship feel unbreakable. Whereas the codependent relationship feels fragile ALL THE TIME.
2) Have mutual interests outside of drinking, bars, weed, or partying.
3) While talking about the past is part of getting to know someone, its not the focus. There aren't endless day long talks about screwed up situations that are long over.
4) The relationship exists in the present and future.
5) Independence is maintained by both, neither stops doing things they enjoy with out the other person.
6) Habits like calling all the time, texting all the time, and being accountable to where "you" are don't start quickly. Late night, middle of the night texts and calls to check in (monitor) never begin.
7) There is nothing obsessive about the relationship. Often times obsession (which is usually on both sides) is viewed as caring about the other person SO much. NOPE
8) The "Love" word doesn't come within the first days, weeks or couple of months.
9) Friendship is a part of the relationship
10) The relationship isn't all about the sex.
11) You don't encounter situations where if you can't get in touch with your new friend that you are filled with terror and vice versa (I'm talking about calling, or texting, and not hearing back within a couple of hours).
12) You don't find yourself doing or changing your personal tastes and desires to do things, not doing things, to accommodate the other person, or to be more like them, or to be who they want you to be.
13) As the relationship grows and love becomes part of it, its not unsettling or obsessive. Its comfortable and strong. Talks veer toward the future and mutual goals rather than talking about each other, your amazing love, amazing sex, and amazing good time like you have never had before LOL.
14) It doesn't involve pressure. It includes respect.
15) If you find one and get to commitment stage, the love and friendship feel unbreakable. Whereas the codependent relationship feels fragile ALL THE TIME.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
7) There is nothing obsessive about the relationship. Often times obsession (which is usually on both sides) is viewed as caring about the other person SO much. NOPE
11) You don't encounter situations where if you can't get in touch with your new friend that you are filled with terror and vice versa (I'm talking about calling, or texting, and not hearing back within a couple of hours).
13) As the relationship grows and love becomes part of it, its not unsettling or obsessive. Its comfortable and strong. Talks veer toward the future and mutual goals rather than talking about each other, your amazing love, amazing sex, and amazing good time like you have never had before LOL.
15) If you find one and get to commitment stage, the love and friendship feel unbreakable. Whereas the codependent relationship feels fragile ALL THE TIME.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
So glad to read this. I've been dating someone for a couple of months and it's been slow and steady. When I met him I was in a really good place. About two months in I felt myself falling really far back into a bad place. My ex contacted me and I started obsessing again. The last couple weeks I've spent a ton of time rereading all my articles on healthy relationships because I realized this wasn't like my ex at all...and it scared me. My dad told me that if you don't know right away he's probably not the one...this advise was driving me crazy because I feel that's so unrealistic. My ex and I were talking about marriage at three months....now I realize that's not the way it should be for me. I'm having to redefine healthy and it's hard, but this article was really validating.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I'm in a similar space. Been seeing a gentleman for about 4 months after a three-year dating hiatus. And at one time, not too long ago thought that I might NEVER date again.
Boundaries: I have them now. I watch to see how others react to them. A healthy person is going to have a healthy reaction to my boundaries. The relationship has developed at a slow pace by my choosing and he has supported that every step of the way. We have a lot in common, but have also maintained separate interests and activities and just generally continued to live our lives and go about our respective business while getting to know one another.
Issues: We all have them; it's important to see how people deal with them. I liked the part in the OP about not being ruled by the past. I was upfront about past issues and so was he, but both of us are in a place of healing and not of resentment and playing the victim.
Trust and respect: The foundation of any healthy relationship. Yes there's sexytime and moments of starry-eyed romance, but there's also a strong base of trust- what you see is what you get, reliable and consistent communication and respect- honoring boundaries, not pushing for too much too soon. He respects my wishes about waiting to meet the boys, but has shown me his honorable intentions and let me know he is willing whenever I'm comfortable with it. I've met his dogs, cows and chickens. We get along well. I also met some of his coworkers when we went to a wedding reception last night (because, you know, he has a job woo-hoo! Lol).
Red Flags: I have been vigilant (hypervigilant) about these. But that's OK. He understands why and respects my choices. He has a good relationship with his adult children and asked me if it was OK if we all spent some time together "one of these days." He is supportive of my recovery activities and service work. He is perfectly capable of living and caring for himself (and many animals) without any help from me.
We met online. For anyone considering that avenue, it's not completely terrible. (Wow, what an endorsement, right? But I work alone and don't really meet people organically in my daily life). And it was good practice for my recovery weeding out the loony tunes and creeps, though it was a bit overwhelming after three years of total celibacy and zero dating efforts. I had actually hidden my profile (the site I used doesn't let you delete your account) and had sent him a message about why since we had gone on one good date. It went well, but the whole online dating thing with all the creepy messages and winks and meeting weirdos and married dudes and guys who were just after a one-nighter or guys who decided I was their soul mate after knowing me for 35 seconds and whatever was just too much for me. I had too much recovery under my belt to just ignore all that crap like I used to.
He emailed me back and gave me his real life contact info and said that his subscription was set to expire and he hoped I would get in touch with him again, but he understood that my priorities were with my kids and that he respected that.
I waited until after Valentine's Day to get back in touch with him so he wouldn't think I was a "food digger" or just after a V-Day date. He thought that was pretty funny and we've been getting together ever since and having a nice time.
Boundaries: I have them now. I watch to see how others react to them. A healthy person is going to have a healthy reaction to my boundaries. The relationship has developed at a slow pace by my choosing and he has supported that every step of the way. We have a lot in common, but have also maintained separate interests and activities and just generally continued to live our lives and go about our respective business while getting to know one another.
Issues: We all have them; it's important to see how people deal with them. I liked the part in the OP about not being ruled by the past. I was upfront about past issues and so was he, but both of us are in a place of healing and not of resentment and playing the victim.
Trust and respect: The foundation of any healthy relationship. Yes there's sexytime and moments of starry-eyed romance, but there's also a strong base of trust- what you see is what you get, reliable and consistent communication and respect- honoring boundaries, not pushing for too much too soon. He respects my wishes about waiting to meet the boys, but has shown me his honorable intentions and let me know he is willing whenever I'm comfortable with it. I've met his dogs, cows and chickens. We get along well. I also met some of his coworkers when we went to a wedding reception last night (because, you know, he has a job woo-hoo! Lol).
Red Flags: I have been vigilant (hypervigilant) about these. But that's OK. He understands why and respects my choices. He has a good relationship with his adult children and asked me if it was OK if we all spent some time together "one of these days." He is supportive of my recovery activities and service work. He is perfectly capable of living and caring for himself (and many animals) without any help from me.
We met online. For anyone considering that avenue, it's not completely terrible. (Wow, what an endorsement, right? But I work alone and don't really meet people organically in my daily life). And it was good practice for my recovery weeding out the loony tunes and creeps, though it was a bit overwhelming after three years of total celibacy and zero dating efforts. I had actually hidden my profile (the site I used doesn't let you delete your account) and had sent him a message about why since we had gone on one good date. It went well, but the whole online dating thing with all the creepy messages and winks and meeting weirdos and married dudes and guys who were just after a one-nighter or guys who decided I was their soul mate after knowing me for 35 seconds and whatever was just too much for me. I had too much recovery under my belt to just ignore all that crap like I used to.
He emailed me back and gave me his real life contact info and said that his subscription was set to expire and he hoped I would get in touch with him again, but he understood that my priorities were with my kids and that he respected that.
I waited until after Valentine's Day to get back in touch with him so he wouldn't think I was a "food digger" or just after a V-Day date. He thought that was pretty funny and we've been getting together ever since and having a nice time.
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Ap05213.......lol....I am going to say something that may be unpopular from the rest of the crowd, here......
I believe that you dad was right, in one way.....I believe that attraction is recognizable, right away, most of the time. And, that is o.k. Mother Nature arranged it this way for good reason.
the sticky wicket, though, is that we can be attracted (sometimes Very attracted) to the wrong person. Yep.
How do we know that it is the wrong person?
Basically, being willing to give it the time to find out. The truth will reveal itself over time.... It will reveal itself, usually, in bits and pieces, over time.....One must be willing to hold onto the reins and not just jump into deep water because of attraction, alone.
Attraction is a wonderful feeling and I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying it......(it is hormonally mediated, after all)......
Now, I do think that redatlanta's list has a lot of merit, in the overall.
I would just caution that one should be willing to throw the fish back, if necessary, because,not every one that you are attracted to is going to be good for you.....
On the other hand....myself, I wouldn't date anyone that I wasn't attracted to.....
and, I have always known it, right away.....
(yes, I have thrown quite a few back...lol).....
I think you probably get my drift.....
dandylion
I believe that you dad was right, in one way.....I believe that attraction is recognizable, right away, most of the time. And, that is o.k. Mother Nature arranged it this way for good reason.
the sticky wicket, though, is that we can be attracted (sometimes Very attracted) to the wrong person. Yep.
How do we know that it is the wrong person?
Basically, being willing to give it the time to find out. The truth will reveal itself over time.... It will reveal itself, usually, in bits and pieces, over time.....One must be willing to hold onto the reins and not just jump into deep water because of attraction, alone.
Attraction is a wonderful feeling and I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying it......(it is hormonally mediated, after all)......
Now, I do think that redatlanta's list has a lot of merit, in the overall.
I would just caution that one should be willing to throw the fish back, if necessary, because,not every one that you are attracted to is going to be good for you.....
On the other hand....myself, I wouldn't date anyone that I wasn't attracted to.....
and, I have always known it, right away.....
(yes, I have thrown quite a few back...lol).....
I think you probably get my drift.....
dandylion
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Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I'm in a similar space. Been seeing a gentleman for about 4 months after a three-year dating hiatus. And at one time, not too long ago thought that I might NEVER date again.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Dandylion...attraction isn't the issue. ..I'm very attracted to him. I'm just not sure we want the same things...mostly because I still don't know what I want. I'd like a family, but part of me doesn't actually want to follow through. I'm so used to worrying about and doing for others the thought of having a family is anxiety inducing. I think I'm only prepared for a casual relationship right now so I'm not even considering my future at this time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ap052183.......lol.....o.k. problem solved.
If you don't want the same things.....then the answer is that you don't belong in a committed relationship with this person.
I do think that the crutial thing is to be absolutely honest with him about this. He may well decide to leave the relationship....I don' know, of course....but absolute honesty is the only moral thing to do.....
Now, I know that I may be preaching to the choir, here....so, please forgive me....
Timing is as important as anything else in making a committed relationship...sometimes, it is even the Major factor!
Just never settle. Marriage has enough challenges even if one is entirely comfortable......so, if there is any little nagging doubt....be good to yourself and don't.....
Lol...I am talking to those others who may be reading this, as much or more than I am you. Just advice to young women.....
dandylion
If you don't want the same things.....then the answer is that you don't belong in a committed relationship with this person.
I do think that the crutial thing is to be absolutely honest with him about this. He may well decide to leave the relationship....I don' know, of course....but absolute honesty is the only moral thing to do.....
Now, I know that I may be preaching to the choir, here....so, please forgive me....
Timing is as important as anything else in making a committed relationship...sometimes, it is even the Major factor!
Just never settle. Marriage has enough challenges even if one is entirely comfortable......so, if there is any little nagging doubt....be good to yourself and don't.....
Lol...I am talking to those others who may be reading this, as much or more than I am you. Just advice to young women.....
dandylion
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