3kids

Hi,
Sorry this is really long but really need advice
I have been with an 8 year sober alcoholic for two months.
We really clicked from the word go and he has always been respectful and caring and supportive.
He has made a massive effort to communicate honestly in everything and has really bonded with my 3 boys who think he's great.
The other day we had our first real row - he over reacted to a text msg I sent him and I got annoyed at how he'd treated me. Since then he has gone totally cold - he wouldn't answer my calls or texts and when I confronted him the next day face to face and asked if he wanted us to be over he said "well it's not exactly going well" to which I said "we has ONE row!"
I left in tears and since then he has totally blocked me and had no contact.
Prior to this we were seeing each other most days, he was building a relationship with my boys, and we were planning to move in together in May.
He told me he loved me and told the boys they had become a really important part of his life.
How can he go from feeling like that to cutting me off completely ? I'm not just some woman ge dated a few times then backed off!
He seemed totally genuine in his feelings and behaviour to me and the boys and I just wonder if maybe he got scared. This is his longest relationship since 2000 and his only serious one since he got sober.
Do I need to just give him space to get his head straight or am I kidding myself?
Sorry this is so long but I'm scared he's left forever and that's killing me

Thanks

Priscilla84

Well there is no way for anyone to really "know." He may just be overreacting momentarily and may be back around once he calms down. But it's been 2 months that you've been in this relationship? I am reading this right? If 2 months is the longest he has ever made it with anyone in the past 16 years then I think you need to seriously consider the idea that he may have a real inability to be in a relationship with anyone, and that certainly isn't something for you to take personally.

Also, if your children became really important to him in just 2 months, and he was planning to move in with you already, well sorry to say that is a red flag. Most of us here have learned that one the hard way. What comes on strong and quick typically leaves as strong and quick.

I hope I am not coming across as harsh. I know it is really painful when we fear we may be losing something we were not planning on losing. But you are right, one argument should NOT send someone running and cutting off all contact. That is not healthy, and certainly leads me to believe he has some serious work to do if he ever wants to be in a lasting relationship. You should not take that personally. He hasn't been able to stick around with anyone at all in 16 years, apparently. :-/

FeelingGreat

Couple of thoughts 3kids. First I agree with Priscilla that 2 months is nothing, and I suggest you take it really slow before you make any major moves. You can't know each other well enough to see the difficult parts of your personalities. We all show our best side when love is new and now you're seeing the other part.

He seems completely adverse to conflict if his reaction to a tiff is to cut off contact altogether. It explains why his other relationships have gone nowhere. Possibly he's afraid it will drive him to drink again and doesn't want to risk it. Who knows? Without therapy he may not ever advance beyond this point.

As much as you like him, step back and see what happens. It may not be a suitable relationship for you.

Ariesagain

Arguments are part of life. Since his reaction is to run away and pout, even if he does come back around, you are going to start walking on egg shells not to argue and slowly you will lose your ability not to dance to his whims. My parents have been doing this for their entire marriage and my father has gone from being moody to being a tyrant while my mother desperately makes nice. This was not a healthy lesson for my sister and me...I promptly created the same dynamic in my first marriage.

Your children and you don't need someone who refuses to deal with the smallest bump in your road. Wave good-bye and be thankful it's only two months?

Hawkeye13

If he agrees to "take you back" he certainly has gained the power in the relationship as Aries says,
you'll be walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him again.
Being able to disagree "productively" is critical for a healthy relationship

I think this is a huge red flag and you should step back.
Combined with his admitted inability to have a relationship since 2000,
please be very careful in moving forward especially as your young children
will form an emotional attachment to a volatile person who may just leave again
at the new row.
Children often blame themselves for things like that, strange as it seems.
I don't think you did anything "wrong" and his response is way over the top
for a texting disagreement.

Hawkeye13

Another thought--
Two months isn't a long time--it's hard as I know you care deeply
but perhaps you should really slow things down if you continue in the relationship
after this strange action of cutting you off on his part.

sugarbear1

I'm confused as to why in only 2 months, you would consider living together. That isn't enough time to truly know another person.

I'd try to learn from this and move forward with dating. Maybe date more than 2 months before your children even meet one of your dates. We can't rush a relationship, we let it evolve over time.

Hugs and love to you

Cyranoak

I've read your post 1,000 times. Your experience is totally normal for an alcoholic-- his behavior is 100 percent normal for an alcoholic, as is your experience. Please seek counseling and/or Alanon to see why, of all men in the world to pick, you chose an alcoholic (in recovery or not). You have children-- you need to know how to pick a suitable partner for their sake.

I was once your boys-- I was very damaged by men coming in and out of my life. None of them abused me, but I'd grow to like and bond with them, and then they were gone. That was very, very painful for me. I understand my mother was lonely, and that she didn't know better, but now YOU know better.

C-

HHTexas

Yuck yuck! So sorry you are dealing with this. Just wanted to add that STBX started the "silent treatment with arguments" early on in our relationship. I learned really quick not to disagree or I'd pay for it for days. HEL-LO red flags, that's practically a red billboard!!

learningagain

Hey, as a single mom in the dating world, I have to say his being alcoholic or not, the time frame is a huge issue here.

At 2 months you are only really just starting and getting to know the guy. You and he are in the throws of the lust part of the relationship and everything seems rosy. There is a reason single parents advocate waiting at least 6 months until getting the kids involved. Because you do not know someone. Yes, 6 months is pretty arbitrary, but it is a pretty good benchmark for you getting past the hormonal lust stage, taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing the person for who they are and whether you have a future together.

My ex has jumped from relationship to relationship since our split, with often days/weeks in between dumping/being dumped and the next one showing up. Always they "love" the kids, but he is an irresponsible parent and one matter how nice the girls are, my son is now apathetic to them, cos he see's them as temporary so does not even want to bond. It is a careful line to walk, but I would say back off and see what happens. And definitely back off on moving in together.

I have been with my boyfriend 8 months and he has met my son 3 times. Once a few months ago, then twice over the last weekend. He will gradually be introduced, so they can feel each other out. Slow is better. If you are planning a life together, there is no rush.