Obladi

I like seasons.

I can't tolerate Wisconsin anymore, having become acclimatized to Maryland. Summer can be awful here, but I'm hoping losing some weight, getting the blood pressure under control and having stopped drinking will make that more bearable. How could it not?

When I was a very young woman, I worked at a corner drugstore. A guy would come in every afternoon, slap his quarter on the counter and pick up his newspaper. And if the weather was extreme, he would always say "Hot enough for ya?" or "Cold enough for ya?" This is when I learned the lesson that weather talk is the universal greeting. For the most part, it is a harmless way of interacting with other people and feeling like you made some sort of connection.

A good lesson for me because I have never been (and am still not very good at) small talk. But it's important to other people, so I try.

sleepie

lol Obladi as a lifelong receptionist I was going to jump off a cliff if I heard one more thing about the weather. I am also bad at small talk but only in the way that if you ask me how I am, I am going to tell you. I have met exactly one person like this and we became good friends for a time.

It took me awhile to understand, nobody wants to hear how you actually are. Not IRL anyway.

Someone made this observation about me years ago- that I need to get a computer job. I have no idea what that meant as I know I am not a good problem solver, but maybe they were talking about my personality. I dunno. But I kinda took it as a compliment.

sleepie

In other news we saw bf's parents today. They are great. I feel better the minute I see them. They love me. Can you believe someone actually likes old sleepie. Like they think I am smart, fun, friendly, interesting etc. Despite people thinking I am a downer here. I love being around them. I mean I can really see, if I had parents like that I'd probably think I was terrible too. It's just a completely different world. I can't even begin to fathom having that for life, being a kid with people like that, and just getting to have that in life. Like never fearing what they might do to you.

It's just another planet altogether. I just feel instantly relaxed around them. When she hears that I work a lot, his mother even calls him to make sure he's "taking care" of me.

I mean my own folks don't even care if I'm dead or alive. It just blows my mind.

Obladi

I like you just fine, grouchie I mean sleepie.

That's awesome that you like your boyfriend's parents and they like you back! Why didn't you mention this sooner? Why aren't you calling them when you need a little pickmeup?

I work in computers, so I'd definitely take that career suggestion as a compliment.

sleepie

Oh, I write them all the time. And I call. But I keep it to a minimum because I don't want to upset them. I don't need to say much though, his mother right away gets concerned, and calls him up... she worked similar jobs her whole life and she gets it! She also understands why he drives me nuts sometimes because his dad is the same way.

I mean to have someone like that actually call and care about how I am... at first I thought it was fake. But it's real.

You guys I what can I do when I cannot keep it in about feeling so horrible? You all are all I have. I'll drive people away if I say to much IRL and what to do? I can't keep it in. I did that for a lifetime of abuse and I just cannot anymore. There are some here who get it, who had a similar upbringing. This upbringing played huge into my becoming an alcoholic. When people here get it at least I am not alone.

I'm sorry if people here feel I am a downer but you don't have to read this thread you know? I am still early in recovery not just from addiction but from physical dependence to 2 very similar substances, which is an entirely different game, and a scary one. It's probably going to be a long rough patch for me. And life wasn't great before I ever drank or took a pill, due to at least one or 2 very trying circumstances that I in no way brought upon myself, so my personal journey is just that and shouldn't be taken as an affront to anyone.

sleepie

In regard to other stuff, I was actually feeling better, for a week or 2, until I got sick. I got sick the very first day I had off after working quite a bit. After 2 or 3 days of being ill, I became depressed, worried and anxious. Then it just got worse and worse the farther into a 2 week work stretch I got, with a few double shifts thrown in. All while really ill with a chest cold. I just got more and more anxious and depressed. Being sick on top of the new job stress and extra hours and shifts just threw me off the small plateau of feeling ok I'd found. Back when Cow was calling me "Sparkle Sleepie". It was fun. But a person can only take so much. I took a nosedive after quit a bit had piled up on me.

Obladi

I get it.
Hope my teasing isn't hurtful; it's meant affectionately.

Bottom line remains the same from where I sit - it's important for you to draw a boundary at work so that you don't feel like you are giving too much and so that you don't do harm to yourself in doing so. Hard to do if you don't know where that line should be, but you know we're all here to help you figure that out.

And I seriously meant that you should go ahead and vent if that's what is working for you. It doesn't hurt me any and if it does you good, then go for it. Does it do you good?

sleepie

That's ok Obladi I consider you a friend, I wouldn't take it that way. It does help, it really does. Because I know people here are listening and have seen this god awful thing I've gone through to get to this crummy place. If I ever get to a non crummy place they (and you) can consider it your victory as well for helping me get there.

As for boundaries- yeah. I am not too good at that. I do feel I have to overcompensate for my short comings. Like being the most dedicated one even though I make dumb mistakes. Like it's all I have to offer. I was telling bf today- 1st mistake I made was offering to take a shift while I was sick, that ended up being a double. Because I wanted the guy with a family to have a morning off. I mean I won't lie, I feel like a s****y person just having time off while someone else is missing out on family time. Because I don't have kids and never ever wanted them. I don't really feel entitled to my time. Now if I'd had a normal work week after that, ok. But I ended up working a few more extra days and hours...

But I really don't feel right saying no, especially this early on. And they know this is my only gig. And when they asked if I'd ever be interested in more hours- I took it to mean full time as opposed to part time. So I said yes.

I didn't know they meant as in working a bunch extra here and there- I need a consistent schedule.

I am still adjusting to just having to get up before dawn twice a week.

Now I am wondering, did I become anxious and depressed not so much from working all the extra hours while sick, but from not having the boundary. I feel I have to offer to take on extra hours because I really don't think my time, or I am valuable.

Wow Obladi... look what you did here.

silentrun

I get like that at work too sleepie. Always helping out to make it easier for someone else. I started saying no. When I have something going on I take care of it myself. They are adults and they can do the same. No need to feel obligated. I think you did throw down a boundary even in this thread. When you said you get to decided what of your art is good you were sticking up for yourself. You don't have to answer to anyone sleeps. Your opinion matters and you have total veto rights when it comes to you. If you need to vent I can relate. You are being heard sleeps.

zjw

i can really relate to you on this sleepie.

i had to start setting boundaries it was and still is a very scary process for me. I"m always so scared what the other side is gonna say about my new boundary. and my new boundary is always very very simple and often not simple enough (i'm still learning).

the reason i'm so scared of setting bounaries I think is because when i was a kid if i said this is too hard or this is overwhelming me per say I quickly got beat and told to quit being a pu$$y and buck up etc... And yeah I guess thats ok to an extent maybe not those exact words but to try and get a kid to toughen up some it was taken to far with me. I then got terrified of setting boundaries because that meant the other side was gonna flip $hit on me.

now i try and set them. I do so to try and keep my life manageable. if my life is not manageable i'm gonna freak out i'm gonna have issues and i'm very possibly going to reach for a bottle to cope the then overwhelming situation that occured because I didnt have proper boundaries.

but setting them is still a scary thing for me every time i gotta set one.

zjw

standing up for yourself is also a good one. at the end of the day you are you. you are the way that you are. your going to improve and grow in your own time frame in your own way. You seem pretty courageious on this board you put your foot down well and have the courage to put it all out there courage i admire i've said a zillion times theres a lot of times i'd like to post about some issues i got going on but i dont because i just dont wanna take the flack but i do want input but i dont have the courage it seems.

Cow

Ah, you bf parent see SparkleSleepies. That very cool. I know you not always, or maybe is only rarely, you feel like SparkleSleepies, but even when you not feeling it, all those good quality still in there.

I not think is that peoples here think you a "downer." I think is that they just want so much for to see you sparkle, they invested in that, they put efforts into that. And so is just human that they maybe sometime get frustrate if you not sparkling. In same way, I know my endless depressions frustrate people. I understand. Frustrate me too! Is not meant to hurt us. Anyway, I already tell you all this. So, I just say, I really glad you always shining in you bf parent eyes.

Tooshabby

I'm really glad to hear that too, Sleeps; that they see in you what we do. You deserve some kind parental figures in your life after....well...you know.

It's funny how different people see different things in you. I've finally come to realise I'm both none of those things and all of them, and that what anyone else thinks about me is of no consequence unless I choose to make it so. Same old cliche, I know, but just beginning to live it now at half a century :-)

trachemys

So, it's not just us here on SR that think you're something special. Maybe you should take it to heart, sleepie.

zjw

for what its worth it took a lot of people telling me the same dang thing over and over till i started to go hey gee maybe they are right.

and yeah there are people that will tell me the opposite too. But I had to figure out which ones i was going to pay attention too.

its ok to feel good and its ok to pay attention to those that make you feel good about yourself etc..

Obladi

I think maybe you did.

And I think that recognizing this is a really good insight. Your time and you are valuable. Now, you might not buy this in a Big Way yet, and that's ok. No need to get a balloon head. But if you can buy in a moderate way that your time is worth something and you have some value, it will help you to start with at least a moderate boundary.

And I only say so because that's where I started. Guess what? I'm still employed and people seem to value my time more than when I was giving it away like water. Go figure.