Trying to understand GF in Inpatient Treatment
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: dallas
Posts: 2
Trying to understand GF in Inpatient Treatment
My girlfriend has recently gone into a Inpatient treatment for alcohol (she has also since found out she is bi polar). She went thru a detox center here twice for 10 day stretches and the second time she ended up going to a 30 day program. its been two weeks and I just found out from her father that I am not allowed any contact with her at all. Pretty much anyone else is but me. I have helped her thru all this. Her father admits he was too wrapped up in himself to notice how bad the problem was. I figured it out and pushed her to get help. Ive been supportive and a good influence. I quit drinking the day she went to detox to be supportive and to provide a better environment for her and us when she comes home. Her father is a alcoholic in denial as well.
Why am I the one that's not allowed to talk to her at all? Her father tells me (after their first visit this last weekend) that the place is pushing for her to cut ties with myself and basically everyone from her life. What kind of place is this? Just cause we knew her as a alcoholic we can't know her anymore or be a part of her life? I get it if I was toxic or no supportive or was one of her triggers. I am and was one of the people helping her get thru it all.
I have done my due diligence and done lots of research and still continue to do so. I know this is not a easy path I am choosing by wanting to stay with her. I love her and you don't just walk out on someone cause they have a problem. You help if you can and you try to find a way. Right now I have no clue whats going on. Her father says I need to be prepared that she might tell me goodbye next time I see her. However nobody can tell me when that might be. They added a month to her in patient time and want her to go to a half way house for 6 months after that. Her father is my only point of communication and he says he doesn't know much either? they talk to him, he told me he had a hour meeting with her counselor while he was there also. It almost feels like he is trying to push me away without really making it seem like he is (if that makes sense). I'm so confused and don't know what the right thing to do is. I mean I really cant do anything right now but wait. ive bought a engagement ring and plan on marrying her. She knows I want to propose and has told me before all this that she cant wait for that day.
Is all this normal? ive read so much and from previous members of AA ive been told that they do preach no new relationships in the first year of recovery but that they also strongly preach not to end one if your in one already as that all goes against the no major changes in the first year suggestion. I mean this place when I called, after I told them my name wouldn't even acknowledge that she was there.
I'm just lost and confused on all this.
Sorry for such a long post. I'm sure I left a lot out. the whole thing has been a whirlwind with almost no answers or insight at all.
Why am I the one that's not allowed to talk to her at all? Her father tells me (after their first visit this last weekend) that the place is pushing for her to cut ties with myself and basically everyone from her life. What kind of place is this? Just cause we knew her as a alcoholic we can't know her anymore or be a part of her life? I get it if I was toxic or no supportive or was one of her triggers. I am and was one of the people helping her get thru it all.
I have done my due diligence and done lots of research and still continue to do so. I know this is not a easy path I am choosing by wanting to stay with her. I love her and you don't just walk out on someone cause they have a problem. You help if you can and you try to find a way. Right now I have no clue whats going on. Her father says I need to be prepared that she might tell me goodbye next time I see her. However nobody can tell me when that might be. They added a month to her in patient time and want her to go to a half way house for 6 months after that. Her father is my only point of communication and he says he doesn't know much either? they talk to him, he told me he had a hour meeting with her counselor while he was there also. It almost feels like he is trying to push me away without really making it seem like he is (if that makes sense). I'm so confused and don't know what the right thing to do is. I mean I really cant do anything right now but wait. ive bought a engagement ring and plan on marrying her. She knows I want to propose and has told me before all this that she cant wait for that day.
Is all this normal? ive read so much and from previous members of AA ive been told that they do preach no new relationships in the first year of recovery but that they also strongly preach not to end one if your in one already as that all goes against the no major changes in the first year suggestion. I mean this place when I called, after I told them my name wouldn't even acknowledge that she was there.
I'm just lost and confused on all this.
Sorry for such a long post. I'm sure I left a lot out. the whole thing has been a whirlwind with almost no answers or insight at all.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
with only her dad as your conduit for information, you don't KNOW the whole story, the treatment plan, or even your gf's wishes. here is what i can tell you.........recovery is HARD WORK. really hard work. the less outside distractions the patient/addict has, the better. this is her time to absorb absolutely every morsel of information, every tool, every tip and trick to help her be successful in her recovery.
the odds are not good - for ANY addict. yes recovery is possible and yes addicts do recover all the time.....but many don't GET it the first time, or the fifth time......and it might be YEARS from the first rehab until the desire to fully recover takes hold.
you have not been branded as BAD or EVIL......and while this is harsh, this isn't about YOU. think about someone in a hospital bed in one of those clean room bubbles where ONLY medical professionals are allowed to cross the barrier. or even why they make us turn off our cell phones during take off and landings of airplanes. they are not punishing the cell phone owner, they are assuring the safety of the ENTIRE jet and ALL its passengers, giving everyone the best chance possible to survive.
even tho you felt yourself to be a beacon of light, helping to guide her to recovery, she may still associate you with the bad times. my husband and i were both crack addicts and when i chose recovery (well before he did) i had to make ready to LEAVE him behind, in order to save myself. there was only room for ONE on my crack recovery lifeboat.
only time will tell. remember WHY she is there.....WHAT is at stake. you can write her letters, and just hold on to them for now. you could also seek your own recovery program at this time, whatever that might be. you were ready to propose marriage to an active addict - or a struggling to not use addict. put that on hold for now......this will all take time to resolve.....lots of time.
the odds are not good - for ANY addict. yes recovery is possible and yes addicts do recover all the time.....but many don't GET it the first time, or the fifth time......and it might be YEARS from the first rehab until the desire to fully recover takes hold.
you have not been branded as BAD or EVIL......and while this is harsh, this isn't about YOU. think about someone in a hospital bed in one of those clean room bubbles where ONLY medical professionals are allowed to cross the barrier. or even why they make us turn off our cell phones during take off and landings of airplanes. they are not punishing the cell phone owner, they are assuring the safety of the ENTIRE jet and ALL its passengers, giving everyone the best chance possible to survive.
even tho you felt yourself to be a beacon of light, helping to guide her to recovery, she may still associate you with the bad times. my husband and i were both crack addicts and when i chose recovery (well before he did) i had to make ready to LEAVE him behind, in order to save myself. there was only room for ONE on my crack recovery lifeboat.
only time will tell. remember WHY she is there.....WHAT is at stake. you can write her letters, and just hold on to them for now. you could also seek your own recovery program at this time, whatever that might be. you were ready to propose marriage to an active addict - or a struggling to not use addict. put that on hold for now......this will all take time to resolve.....lots of time.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Sorry for what brings you here MT.
First, Hipaa regulations are going to prevent them from being able to tell you anything including whether or not she is there (even if you know she is).
As for the rest.....It sounds like your GF is in a pretty serious situation dealing with a dual diagnosis. Yes it is true that major changes are not encouraged; however, a 12 step will also encourage changing people, places and things if its believed that there is risk for relapse.
Most of us on this side of things are co=dependent enablers. While you may not think you are because you encouraged her to get help, my guess is you are. Codependents and addicts go together like stink on poop....and its usually a very toxic combo.
I am sorry because I know being shut out is hard and painful. I strongly recommend you head over to Al Anon and start working on yourself and helping yourself while she is getting help for herself.
I am glad her father is willing to speak with you and give you some information.
First, Hipaa regulations are going to prevent them from being able to tell you anything including whether or not she is there (even if you know she is).
As for the rest.....It sounds like your GF is in a pretty serious situation dealing with a dual diagnosis. Yes it is true that major changes are not encouraged; however, a 12 step will also encourage changing people, places and things if its believed that there is risk for relapse.
Most of us on this side of things are co=dependent enablers. While you may not think you are because you encouraged her to get help, my guess is you are. Codependents and addicts go together like stink on poop....and its usually a very toxic combo.
I am sorry because I know being shut out is hard and painful. I strongly recommend you head over to Al Anon and start working on yourself and helping yourself while she is getting help for herself.
I am glad her father is willing to speak with you and give you some information.
MrBrad
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Minneapolis Area
Posts: 213
They do preach the "no relationships for the first year" and I've seen the "no school for the first year" also, but these are simply nonsense. You might however, want to wait on proposing for a little while. Wedding planning can be a huge stresser and she will need her time to get back to normal.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,981
Welcome Mt, and I am so sorry for the situation that brings you here. It must be beyond confusing and painful.
I know very little about rehab so can't help explain any of that; however now is the time to work on yourself. Try out Alanon. Do some reading on relationships with addicts. The most help you can be for her is to look long and hard at what has drawn you to this relationship.
I know very little about rehab so can't help explain any of that; however now is the time to work on yourself. Try out Alanon. Do some reading on relationships with addicts. The most help you can be for her is to look long and hard at what has drawn you to this relationship.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with everything Anvil said.
Incidentally, it isn't "no relationships" that is "preached"--the recommendation is no NEW relationships for the first year or so. Right now, you don't know if the ban on contact is the rehab's idea, her idea, or her dad's idea.
You can contact the rehab and ask about their policies. Per HIPAA, they probably can't confirm she's even a patient, but you can ask about their policies IF she were a patient, and also ask them to let her know that you called IF she is a patient.
At that point, unless you hear from her, I'd leave her alone to do what she needs to do. In the meantime, as others have suggested, I'd seek out a bit of recovery for yourself. I get the feeling, based on your post, that you consider yourself to be something of a rescuer (as a lot of us were) and that's something you might want to look at. Nobody can "save" someone else from this disease.
Incidentally, it isn't "no relationships" that is "preached"--the recommendation is no NEW relationships for the first year or so. Right now, you don't know if the ban on contact is the rehab's idea, her idea, or her dad's idea.
You can contact the rehab and ask about their policies. Per HIPAA, they probably can't confirm she's even a patient, but you can ask about their policies IF she were a patient, and also ask them to let her know that you called IF she is a patient.
At that point, unless you hear from her, I'd leave her alone to do what she needs to do. In the meantime, as others have suggested, I'd seek out a bit of recovery for yourself. I get the feeling, based on your post, that you consider yourself to be something of a rescuer (as a lot of us were) and that's something you might want to look at. Nobody can "save" someone else from this disease.
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