RMHigh16

Good morning.
I am new to the chat room experience - but not new to substance abuse problems that affect my family.
I am currently dealing with my 16 year old and his problems. I am feeling like I am alone in this problem because my friends kids are younger and they don't understand. I don't want to talk to family because the issue is private and I don't want them to hate my child. So pretty much feel like I am fighting a war by myself. On top of the drugs, he has dropped out of school, is very hateful and hard to deal with. Guess I just need someone else out there that can relate...

whathaveidone84

hes a teenager that smokes pot its no big deal in my opinion - i went thru the same stuff with my mother to be honest (provided he aint on anything harder) i was smoking as a teen and just wanted to not be pestered by my parents accusing me of everything u know?? sometimes a little space and understanding can do wonders - educate him tell him you dont mind the cannabis use its just because hes so young and it does interfere with a developing brain - try to be understanding and more of a friend than a parent on this issue, maybe hes just rebelling and if u make it seem that it isnt rebellion he may stop on his own u know? im just trying to put myself in his shoes as i have been where he is and trying to advise u the best way of dealing with it....sorry if this post seems silly or ignorant i really dont mean it to be! anyways good luck and hope ur well

INgal

Unlike the previous poster, it IS a big deal. I dealt with substance abuse issues with my son on and off through both high school and college. Hindsight is 20/20 and when my son started smoking pot, I wish I had intervened in a more meaningful way. We were in denial because his friends were decent, he didn't skip school, never got in real trouble, etc. I do suggest NarAnon...its AlAnon for substance abuse. There will be parents there who will understand, even though so far you're only dealing with pot. In the very least, you won't feel as alone.

greeteachday

I agree with INgal. If you are concerned enough with what your son is doing that you have reached out for online support (a great idea!) it is clear that this is not just a teenager being a teen. I too faced numerous problems with my daughter that started with losing all motivation due to pot smoking, then went far beyond that, ultimately ending in an accidental overdose. When I reached for help with counselors and her school, sadly I was also told she's just being a teen, she will come around, she's a good girl. I too wish I was more forceful early on when she was 16 and 17 and pushed the issue instead of waiting for her to grow out of it.

Trust your gut. You have experience with the impact substance abuse has on families. It's very possible with the change in behavior and quitting school that this is much more than "just a little pot."

It's a very difficult position - he is still a minor yet he has a mind of his own, so it is hard to force anything other than that he respect house rules and suffer the consequences of his actions. I also would recommend trying a local Naranon or Alanon meeting for help and support for you. I met so many wonderful parents experiencing all that I was going through and more, who helped me on my journey.

You may also want to try an open NA meeting (open meetings mean that non addicts can attend) and speak to someone before or after the meeting to see if they have some suggestions for seeing if you can get some options for help for your son.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You may want to also check out our Friends and Family of Substance Abuse section of the forums. There are lots of parents there who understand your pain.

whathaveidone84

ok i didnt mean the 'its not a big deal' part of what i said....that was stupid

racingthoughts

This is a tough situation. Sure there are plenty of kids that experiment with pot and don't have it creating havoc, but this doesn't seem to be the case with your son. The whole dropping out of school thing speaks volumes as to where he's at with his usage.

I was a 16 year old pothead not too long ago. It's a rough age with this stuff simply because the lack of control a teenager has often frustrates them into rebellion, with drugs providing a perfect medium for doing so. When I was that age, I was convinced that pot was a miracle plant and that anyone with authority over me who tried to keep me from it was brainwashed by the government/religion and trying to control my mind when I thought I wanted to expand it. It's honestly the way I felt, and judging from your son being hateful and whatnot, I'd guess that he's feeling similar to some extent. When anyone got between me and my drugs I became a very hateful person too.

It's also very hard for someone his age to see very far into the future. Even if they do, there's always the thought of "it won't happen to me".

I'm trying to think of something to tell you. To be perfectly honest, there's not a lot that would have kept me from smoking back then. I'd advise you to be sure you're not enabling him, make him take responsibility, and provide ground rules if he's living in your house. He needs to take a long look in the mirror, because life's going to come knocking before he can even blink. I'd advise you to maybe direct him here or r/leaves. Plenty of young adults there, including myself, who began smoking in their teens and now have serious problems in their lives as a result of pot.

maia1234

I just divorce my axh after 34 years together, high school sweet hearts. He started smoking dope at 13 years old, and still does at 51. I couldn't even imagine the money we have spent on it. I recently found a note back from 1982 that I had written him. He had lied to me about his drinking and smoking dope. In the note I was calling him out and he is saying that when he would grow up and have kids he wouldn't need to smoke dope, ans that he is young and wants to party.

I married this man and lived 20 years of hxll with him. I agree with you all. Nip it in the bud NOW..... Please don't treat it like it is a high school right of passage. The early they start partying their brain doesn't fully develop and they never grow up. My X acts like a 13 year old today, as his brain never matured.

I am proof that you think what you do at 16 that you will grow out of it, but some people dont. I finally divorced him, as he was not going to die on my watch from all his addictions.

Hugs my friend, I think you son is worth the fight to save his future. Disregard the "nay" sayers that say pot is ok, I lived it and totally disagree!!

Dee74

well said maia

D

whathaveidone84

sorry guys for my insensitive input in this thread - i regret posting what i did - it IS a big deal and you should fight for ur sons recovery - i am ashamed of my post especially after all of the support ive received here for my alcohol problem... i hope to contribute in a more meaningful way in the future, sorry again....

Lorax1981

I think you had some insight in your post whathaveidone because I was in his shoes too and I had a mom who loved me and wanted me to quit smoking pot. But I kept smoking till 31. It wasn't until I wanted to quit that I did. I don't know if cutting me off and sending me to rehab and all the things a parent can do would have stopped me in the long run. It would have made it more difficult. My point is there is not an easy answer to the problem. Don't be ashamed of your post, we're all here to share and give input and people can take what they want.
Good luck RM, check out the friends and fan section here too.
-Ted

RMHigh16

Thank you all so very much. I wish I could help him.... besides giving him the "tools" he needs in life I cant give him any more. Maybe this forum doesn't cover all of the issues that concern our relationship... I know that I cant make him stop. He has to want to... I know as his mom that I will love him through it no matter what. The only way I can explain it is... as a mom/parent we are willing to stand in front of any danger that comes to our child; we would die to protect them. I have told him as such, but that I can no longer take the "bullet" that he is shooting at himself. I have never been spoken to in such a hateful manner - Its so hard to be told to F off - and that he F'n hates me and to keep on loving him.... if someone else spoke to me this way they would be gone. Is it the drugs taking? Is it the 16 year old boy talking? I hate this!!!! I want my son back.

jt22

I understand where whathaveidone is coming from. Like others have said there's not really much convincing you can do to change someone's mind at that age. I know i would have responded better with someone coming off as an understanding friend than an authority figure. I'm 24 now and I remember being into all sorts of drugs as a teenager, during the time i was only smoking i was still going to school and doing alright. The violent attitudes, anger, and decline in my life came when i got into everything else, in particular opiates. It sounds like he may have moved on to the next step. Either way i would try and be understanding, don't act like he is out of control and has issues, just try to be close with him. Listen to what's bothering him, more than likely he'll tell you in one way or another.

Gamaur

You are helping him; you're a mother with supreme value for the welfare of your son, and you're seeking advice in order to care better for him. His reactions and defiance towards you don't mean he's not benefiting from the loving concern you have for him. Have you given up on his situation? No. Have you kicked him out of your home? No. Have you decided to tolerate his destructive behaviour? Hell no. And that's what matters: through profound disrespect and pain, you're still there, still willing to explore new avenues of support, and you're still willing to make personal sacrifices to ensure his quality of life and long-term happiness. At the surface he may have no appreciation for what you're doing and be reacting with aggressive stubbornness, but that doesn't mean what you're doing isn't helping. Even if he isn't listening to anything you've said and has no conscious appreciation for you right now, he's still damn lucky to have you in his life. He may not realise it, but if you gave up on him it would remove the floor he's standing on, and there's every chance he'd be properly screwed.

There's some excellent advice in this thread. Only you know the whole situation, but it seems like you'd benefit from greatteachday's suggestion of seeking group support. Solidarity, validation and advice are all powerful tools in the battle you're fighting, and the added in-person dimension may make the experience more resonant and supportive for you. Being told to F-off when you're only trying to help must be extremely hurtful, and I imagine that's only the tip of the emotional iceberg---seek as much support as you can; whether it be group meetings or one-on-one counselling services (or better yet, both), you need to look after your own emotional state to sustain the immense amount of strength you've been displaying. Helping yourself means you'll be better able to help him.

The fact he's dropped out of school is serious and you have every right to be as worried as you are. racingthoughts has given some good insight into how the developing teenage mind may perceive a drug like pot; there's a chance it could be the sole reason for all of this, with his hatred coming from a place of defensiveness (if you've seen/read it, think Frodo from the Lord of the Rings---the more possessive of the ring he gets, the more irrational he becomes in protecting his ownership of it). There's also a chance that pot is a form of self-medication for other issues he's going through, such as anxiety, depression or social ostracism. Figuring out the reasons to his heavy usage may be tricky right now, but it's well worth looking into, starting simply by thinking about it from his point of view as best you can. Think back to before things got bad: was there anything about his life that may have foreshadowed him needing to escape?

Like any drug, pot appeals to certain minds more so than others, and even the most benign triggers to usage in the wrong person can snowball into chronic addiction, so it's possible he's doing it to this excess for little more reason than he can't stop it.

The more you're able to understand why it's happening, the better equiped you'll be in how to help him without feeling counter-productive. This is where professional and group support can be incredibly helpful; having a higher understanding means you'll be more likely to remain objective in your thinking rather than emotional and reactive, which can be a huge step in a situation like this.

Stay strong, you're doing better than you realise

RMHigh16

Wow Gamour - thank you. I have sought out Narcon meetings near me.. now I have to search for the strength to attend. I guess that is why I sought out this type of forum... I can cry at my computer and no one has to see it. The feeling of being alone in this situation is lessening with each comment and I know attending a meeting would also help. I think the next step in helping him is to first help myself. I have to have an outlet to express my fears and anger so that I don't project them solely onto him and the rest of the household.
I think I just expected him to see my pain and that alone would make him want to change.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option."

Gamaur

You're definitely not alone, and from the way you're talking, heading to a Narcon meeting is something you're ready for and will be a huge plus for you. This forum is exceptionally supportive as you can see, but think about the level of additional support in-person---as people we benefit immensely from togetherness in all forms, but especially so when we can read emotions in body language and tone of voice. Everyone responds differently, but judging by how honest and determined you are, going to a meeting will help you sustain and build on the strength you've already been displaying. It sounds like he's unfortunately in no place to be empathetic towards how this has affected you; as you said, it's time to help yourself so that you're better able to help him.

Keep in mind that every single person at a meeting like that also felt the same apprehension before attending. From the outside it can seem very confronting; a place where you may be judged for the emotions you're going through. But the reality is that they are very, very safe environments to share your feelings. They're run with a zero judgement, maximal support principle, and no matter how mild or intense you feel your situation may be relative to the group, you'll be made to feel welcome and supported. The pain you're going through is real, and you deserve to feel validated. From there you'll feel stronger and much more able.

Also think about the option of one-on-one counselling---there's no such thing as too much support in a situation like this.

Soberish

I was much the same way as your son. I had a lot of anger as a teenager and took it out on my mom too. Fast forward to now and that has changed so there was a good outcome for my mother as well as myself, so there CAN be good news for you and your son as well.

As people have mentioned though, some people don't grow out of smoking weed and can do it for years. Weed can also be a gateway drug as has been mentioned here.

I knew a couple people who started with weed then kept on experimenting. I was a younger one in the family and I never experimented with other drugs because I had older cousings/siblings that told me not to do so and gave me clear examples of why. One example was that I had a brother whom I never had a chance to meet because he passed away when I was only a year old. He did many drugs which ultimately ended up leading to his death. Deep down I also knew that I really liked smoking weed and never wanted to try other drugs because I felt I could easily turn those into daily habits as well. Being told that weed is not a big deal but that other drugs were, strayed me away from trying other drugs.

Now on a side note, I know that weed can be a big deal because it really sucks when using for years and then quitting. It really effected me and my mood for months. I also know weed can be a big deal because I still have friends who smoke it on a daily, and when they don't have it, it becomes number 1 priority to get it. So yea, weed can be a big deal for some and just a "phase" for others. When I was younger, I didn't realize weed was/could develop into a problem. Much like racingthoughts said, I pretty much thought weed was harmless.

I don't think there was anyone that could make me quit smoking weed when I was younger. As you have mentioned it had to come from my own decision. But my point here is that being told that other drugs were bad by my peers that I looked up to kept me from trying other drugs. I probably wouldn't have cared to here much from my mother. If there is someone older whom your son is influenced by, or looks up too, that can talk to your son about using weed, maybe its worth a shot? It may not miraculously make him quit tomorrow but it can plant the seed to give him some of his own thoughts and reflections about smoking weed, or at least why he should not try other drugs.

On another side note, weed and/or being in the teenage years can give your son some anger and resentment towards you. I think both contributed to my anger. I don't think I started using because I had anger or resentment towards my mom though. For me it was more because I had friends I saw doing it and wanted to try.

The dynamics are probably way different from me and my teenager years vs. your sons, but my main point of this was to say that there CAN be a positive outcome to his situation. My positive outcome didn't come from hearing my mom out, it came from my own cognitive decisions years later. The other point was that maybe if your son had someone he looked up too that could talk with him it could possibly steer him in the right direction it could help. Just don't let them say "your mom told me to talk to you" cause that never works either.

Just my two cents here. I saw a lot of similarities between your son and me when I was his age and just thought I'd chime in.

Gamaur

Hey RMHigh16, how are things going?