ItsJustMe89

I was on day 3, woke up made breakfast, got to work on time, left work at 8:30pm and went to Chipotle to get dinner to go. I got steak soft tacos then went next door and got frozen yogurt to bring home, and my final stop before heading home was to pick up Captain Morgan. I came home, I have eaten one taco and have been sipping on my first mixed drink in 3 days. I am not even half way through my first drink.

It is not as bad as you may think. At least I have been greatly reducing my alcohol intake and slowing down. I never wanted to go cold turkey and last year when I made it 87 days, I did it the same way. I would stop for as long as I could stand, drink, try again, stay sober a few days, drink, again and again until finally... I remember being at one of my AA friend's house and telling her that I am just not going to relapse again. I guess I just knew that I had slowly built up my "sober muscles" and had enough support in place that I wasn't going to drink after 3 days, 6 days, or 12 days... and I didn't. I stayed sober for 87 days until I relapsed. It took a long time to build up to the point where I knew I didn't have to drink sometime within the first 2 weeks. Honestly I consider my 87 days my one and only sobriety so far. All the other failed attempts, when I would drink on day 3, 6, 12, or anything in between... I do not even consider those short stretches sobrieties. But they did build my sober muscles so that finally I could have my first "sobriety". I think that is where I am now. I am greatly reducing my alcohol intake, I am trying to reach out and build a support network, on SR and trying to make meetings when I can.

I just do not think this was a good week for my first week of sobriety. My first week of sobriety should be as stress reduced as possible. Because it is hard enough to detox your body without all the added stress I am going through this week. This is not an excuse. Seriously. While I am in my fist week and a half of sobriety, I do not want to have a visit with my mom. Detoxing is hard enough on its own, I cannot do it on a week that my mom will be staying with me for 3 days and 2 nights. I love my mom but her visits stress me out and it is too much to handle during the first week and a half of trying to stay sober. Couple her visit with the fact that I am having oral surgery on Thursday morning... I am nervous about that and scared of the pain and this is the first surgery I have ever had. So yeah, not a likely week to get sober.

I am not giving up. I will keep trying. I just need to get through the next couple of days. I am drinking tonight to relax, let the stress go, and get a good nights sleep. I do not work tomorrow. Tomorrows task is to clean my house before my mom gets here around 7pm tomorrow night. Then I will have dinner with her, talk, maybe do some stuff around the house and go to bed. I hope to not drink tomorrow night because im sure it is best to not drink the night before having wisdom teeth removed. So I will be here on SR, getting through tomorrow night sober. Wisdom teeth will be removed Thursday morning at 7:20 am. I'm sure I will sleep most of the day on Thursday after I get home from the procedure. My mom will leave Friday night or Saturday morning.

I'll come up with a new plan from there.

Dee74

I'm sorry to read this IJM.

As long as you keep rationalising drinking (and I know you disagree but thats what you're doing) , it's going to get harder and harder to get sober and stay that way.

There will never be a good time to quit.It just doesn't work like that.

D

SoberLife90

Boooo. You will never gain real sobriety unless you stop making excuses. As long as you are drinking alcohol you are still thinking extremely selfishly and are not recovering. It's a shame you decided to buy some alcohol tonight because I guarentee you your decision to stop drinking would be the best one you ever made.

Steve3929

Best of luck, JustMe. You know you went 87 days, you can do it again. I would imagine building that first 87 days was tough, but it isn't something you can't do again. Your plan is interesting. I hope it works for you. I can see the merit (kind of) in it. Like a muscle sort of thing. Obviously all of us on this site have our own ideas and sometimes crazy logic, but whatever works for you, right? I mean it got you to 87 days, so there is that. A lot of us haven't gone 87 days since being 16

ItsJustMe89

Call it excuses if you want. But a week when I cannot go to meetings because my only days off my mother will be visiting, and the stress that comes along with her visits.. and not having a sponsor or even temporary sponsor yet and not having any sober women to call and reach out to yet.. and having oral surgery on top of that... of all the weeks to get sober, this was a very unlikely one. Its fine if no one understands me. No one has in a long time so I don't expect any different.

Steve3929

I totally get what you are saying. Starting off extremely stressed and driving yourself nuts would impede any future success. Especially with a plan of gradually quitting. I think your idea has merit. Though, I am not as traditional as a lot of people on here. I think you can do it.

Thumpalumpacus

It's a bummer to read this. I hope when all this is past you'll get back on the horse and give it a good long ride.

Dee74

I'm sorry you took my remarks personally because they're really not.

I recognise the rationalisations because I made them too.

I'm not saying that you haven't got a lot to deal with this week.

I'm saying that you don't have to drink to get through the week...

and until you do, you're cementing the idea in your head that there are some situations where you have 'no choice' but to drink.

I've faced many awful things sober...and I've seen others here face awful things too.

None of us are better or stronger that you ItsJustMe...it's just that we learned we don't 'need' to drink.

D

ItsJustMe89

Thanks for saying that, it means a lot to me.

I just know that when I finally did stay sober for those 87 days, it was because I did have a routine of going to meetings, I had a sponsor, I had sober women to reach out to... some with long term sobriety, but my best sober friend who I don't think I ever would have gotten sober without, she was a newcomer like me. We were going through it together. It was a matter of keep coming back until finally there was enough support in place where I wanted to stay sober. I wanted to be able to tell my best friend at the time that I had not relapsed. But I also felt comfortable enough with her that she was the first person I told when I did relapse. Even before I told my sponsor. Because I knew she was ganna love me the same either way. No judgment.

For me, I just think I need to keep trying. Keep working at finding support, keep looking for people who want sobriety, keep trying to find friends who want the same thing I do. Eventually it will click. And I'll stay sober.

Steve3929

Sorry if I missed it above, but is that friend still around and available? Still sober?

Thumpalumpacus

Yes -- whatever you do, don't give up.

ItsJustMe89

Unfortunately, no. She does not go to AA meetings anymore and last time I asked her, she said she was still sober. But I don't believe that. I think I relapsed before her. But after we both relapsed, we drifted very far apart. I know that a big worry for her was that we would relapse together and she never wanted to do anything that would hurt me. So if she relapsed, like I think happened, she is not there for me anymore. She would not want to bring me into the life she is living now. We were only such close friends because we were both fighting to stay sober at the time. Its really sad because I miss her but we are all on our own paths now. We are still facebook friends but we don't talk anymore.

Thumpalumpacus

Perhaps you can reach out to her again?

Soberwolf

Wishing you the best IJM