Think I need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: London
Posts: 2
Think I need help
Ok, so I have been a fairly heavy drinker for the past 4 or 5 years. Ironically when young alcohol didn't interest me very much - I think with the pressures of work, or perhaps through being a late developer, I found a taste for it. However, it is starting to affect me.
- I often go to work hungover
- I have very poor impulse control when drunk, have been rude, or upset friends with no memory of this, and feel suicidal (this is not solely when drunk, but drink exacerbates it)
- My work performance, which has never been wonderful, suffers
- I drink to deal with difficult emotions
- I am depressed (again, something I struggled with prior to drinking - I have used drink as a coping mechanism)
- I do a job with a high level of responsibility which I am not fulfilling
- This weekend I behaved very strangely when blackout drunk. People were actually reasonably supportive (I have angered a close friend, but think we can sort it out) but I am abusing their good will and feel embarrassed.
- While there is nothing wrong with this if it was making me happy, I have got involved in odd sexual situations that have made me uncomfortable in retrospect, and have had more one night stands than I'd like. I would like to form a relationship with someone, but currently can't see one thing to like about myself...so, one thing at a time.
- I argued so much with my recent flatmate that I had to leave - looking at this logically many of these situations involved drink. I currently don't have a permanent place to live.
I am 28, highly educated and with what was once (I think) a pretty nice personality. I currently don't recognize myself. I am incurably selfish and seem to be lurching from one crisis to the next, depending on others to pick up the pieces.
I would like to stop, but am not sure I need to. I would like to just be able to enjoy alcohol every so often. I am not sure I am technically addicted, but then again I haven't really stopped drinking for a long enough period to know. I don't need to drink in the morning, and I think I can go without, I just consistently choose not to. I also need to see a doctor and inquire after anti-depressants and other psychiatric help, but this is made more difficult by the fact I live abroad and there's a lot of bureaucracy involved.
Advice? Thoughts?
- I often go to work hungover
- I have very poor impulse control when drunk, have been rude, or upset friends with no memory of this, and feel suicidal (this is not solely when drunk, but drink exacerbates it)
- My work performance, which has never been wonderful, suffers
- I drink to deal with difficult emotions
- I am depressed (again, something I struggled with prior to drinking - I have used drink as a coping mechanism)
- I do a job with a high level of responsibility which I am not fulfilling
- This weekend I behaved very strangely when blackout drunk. People were actually reasonably supportive (I have angered a close friend, but think we can sort it out) but I am abusing their good will and feel embarrassed.
- While there is nothing wrong with this if it was making me happy, I have got involved in odd sexual situations that have made me uncomfortable in retrospect, and have had more one night stands than I'd like. I would like to form a relationship with someone, but currently can't see one thing to like about myself...so, one thing at a time.
- I argued so much with my recent flatmate that I had to leave - looking at this logically many of these situations involved drink. I currently don't have a permanent place to live.
I am 28, highly educated and with what was once (I think) a pretty nice personality. I currently don't recognize myself. I am incurably selfish and seem to be lurching from one crisis to the next, depending on others to pick up the pieces.
I would like to stop, but am not sure I need to. I would like to just be able to enjoy alcohol every so often. I am not sure I am technically addicted, but then again I haven't really stopped drinking for a long enough period to know. I don't need to drink in the morning, and I think I can go without, I just consistently choose not to. I also need to see a doctor and inquire after anti-depressants and other psychiatric help, but this is made more difficult by the fact I live abroad and there's a lot of bureaucracy involved.
Advice? Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: DFW area, Texas
Posts: 521
For me social drinking never worked either, it was too easy for me to drink too damn much.
Going to see a doctor is a good idea because going cold turkey from alcohol can be dangerous. Also I think they can address any underlying depression you may have. Alcoholics Anonymous can be a good resource too.
I used alcohol as my anxiety / depression medicine for years and it worked somewhat well, until it didn't. After a round of good sobriety last year I started back with drinking which was slowly taking its toll and interfering with my antidepressant med. just another example of how I can't control myself around this stuff.
You have made a great step by stopping and thinking about your situation and putting it down into words here!
There's a lot of good advice and friendship here; keep coming back!
Going to see a doctor is a good idea because going cold turkey from alcohol can be dangerous. Also I think they can address any underlying depression you may have. Alcoholics Anonymous can be a good resource too.
I used alcohol as my anxiety / depression medicine for years and it worked somewhat well, until it didn't. After a round of good sobriety last year I started back with drinking which was slowly taking its toll and interfering with my antidepressant med. just another example of how I can't control myself around this stuff.
You have made a great step by stopping and thinking about your situation and putting it down into words here!
There's a lot of good advice and friendship here; keep coming back!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Drinking has brought you a lot of grief in a fairly short period of time, relatively speaking.
I think if you could enjoy alcohol every once and a while, strictly social, without the consequences you've been suffering, you would be.
But you aren't. Probably can't. Ever.
My advice? Accept it and quit drinking.
Originally Posted by dirtywench 
I would like to stop, but am not sure I need to. I would like to just be able to enjoy alcohol every so often.
But you aren't. Probably can't. Ever.
My advice? Accept it and quit drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome. You sound a lot like myself when I first came on this forum almost 2 years ago. Cambridge university degree and post-doc but couldn't manage my life. Things can get better though, if you decide to take action.
Well, you've already acknowledged that:
(1) alcohol makes your depression worse
(2) alcohol gets you into bad situations.
Why not try removing the thing that you KNOW makes it worse before going down the anti-depressant route? Lent starts Wednesday - you could grasp that opportunity and see how you get on with not drinking for the period of Lent, and see how this affects you. It's 6 weeks. Shouldn't be so hard if you're not an alcoholic. If you're still not sure after that 6 weeks maybe try some 'controlled' drinking and see how that works out.
Thing is, it's hard to tell if you 'can' stop until you try to. The fact that you're visiting this forum and entering into this amount of rationalisation about it rather than just cut it out or down might well ring some warning bells.
Just wondering, are you living in the UK, or from the UK living elsewhere?
Well, you've already acknowledged that:
(1) alcohol makes your depression worse
(2) alcohol gets you into bad situations.
Why not try removing the thing that you KNOW makes it worse before going down the anti-depressant route? Lent starts Wednesday - you could grasp that opportunity and see how you get on with not drinking for the period of Lent, and see how this affects you. It's 6 weeks. Shouldn't be so hard if you're not an alcoholic. If you're still not sure after that 6 weeks maybe try some 'controlled' drinking and see how that works out.
Thing is, it's hard to tell if you 'can' stop until you try to. The fact that you're visiting this forum and entering into this amount of rationalisation about it rather than just cut it out or down might well ring some warning bells.
Just wondering, are you living in the UK, or from the UK living elsewhere?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,448
Originally Posted by dirtywench
I would like to stop, but am not sure I need to. I would like to just be able to enjoy alcohol every so often. I am not sure I am technically addicted, but then again I haven't really stopped drinking for a long enough period to know?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 292
Originally Posted by dirtywench
- I have very poor impulse control when drunk, have been rude, or upset friends with no memory of this, and feel suicidal (this is not solely when drunk, but drink exacerbates it)
You sound a lot like me, not a daily drinker but unable to stop when I start. I suffer depression as well and have had thoughts of suicide too, although not for a long time I remember what they were like. The self-control goes when you are drunk and the urges become a lot stronger. Alcohol can be really dangerous if your mental state is not good.
I also want to be one of these people who can enjoy a normal glass of wine with a meal for example. However I'm not, and this something I'm coming to terms with.
I'd suggest cutting alcohol out of your life completely. It sounds like it's doing you more harm and good. Why not try stopping- I am sure you will feel better, not just physically but mentally as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 189
Welcome to the forum. Have you thought what BeccyBean suggested try a break from alcohol? 30 days/8 weeks see how it will help you. I know going to work hung over sucks, especially when you have a 100db punching machine operating near you. I know getting blackout drunk is never any good. I guarantee you if you stay sober the likely hood of Penisis drawn on your face when passed out will go down to 0. Also with the odd sexual situations you can bet that most of that will go down as well. You don't want to be one of those funny ER stories on what got removed from your butt. All kidding aside this is a great site and the support here is phenomenal. Good luck on your journey my friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: London
Posts: 2
Thanks
Cheers for the replies!
Beccybean, I am from the UK but live abroad - fellow Cantab here. I am going to go and try to register for a Drs tomorrow because I am as concerned by the depression as the drinking, and I think if I help one I'll help the other.
Lent sounds like a very good idea to see the effect of stopping for a bit. I think people questioning the self-justification are probably right, I just don't want to admit that to myself. There are times I do manage the one social drink with a meal, but there have also been plenty of binge-drinking occasions where I haven't been able to stop. I think the hardest thing is that so many social occasions and friendships are semi-alcohol dependent, going to the pub etc. On the other hand, some of my friendships have not been particularly well served recently by the amount I drink either. It's difficult. I think the other thing is that I don't really know what I'd do instead. I'm unlikely to take up exercise in a serious way, and I have no particular hobbies per se. I have been feeling incredibly isolated as an ex-pat which hasn't helped either, and the only people I have met has been through drinking occasions. I don't have much confidence to socialize with strangers otherwise.
The main thing I am finding hard is the thoughts that I am a bad person, or that I will always be a mess. I feel like lately the only way people characterize me is as a drunk or as having got something wrong or messed something up. I can't remember a time in the recent past when I have felt any pride in anything I've done, and I feel increasingly apathetic about all aspects of life. I could be a slightly melancholic teenager but I did very well at school/uni - the shock of becoming, in reality, quite a helpless and unskilled adult has been hard.
Anyway, it is actually helping quite a bit to discuss this honestly - I have tried to broach this a little with people in a self-deprecating way and admitting to depression or problem drinking never really goes well. I still discuss it, because on some level I think the stigma is ridiculous, but I have also seen some wincing, semi-judgmental reactions. I also sometimes doubt if I have any real psychiatric issue at all, and whether I am not, in fact, just weak and unable to cope with life - there is no legitimate test for depression or OCD or anything else I think I might have. I may not be alcoholic either - I worry that I am seeking refuge in labels I have no right to, as a means of excusing my own poor behaviour to myself and others.
Beccybean, I am from the UK but live abroad - fellow Cantab here. I am going to go and try to register for a Drs tomorrow because I am as concerned by the depression as the drinking, and I think if I help one I'll help the other.
Lent sounds like a very good idea to see the effect of stopping for a bit. I think people questioning the self-justification are probably right, I just don't want to admit that to myself. There are times I do manage the one social drink with a meal, but there have also been plenty of binge-drinking occasions where I haven't been able to stop. I think the hardest thing is that so many social occasions and friendships are semi-alcohol dependent, going to the pub etc. On the other hand, some of my friendships have not been particularly well served recently by the amount I drink either. It's difficult. I think the other thing is that I don't really know what I'd do instead. I'm unlikely to take up exercise in a serious way, and I have no particular hobbies per se. I have been feeling incredibly isolated as an ex-pat which hasn't helped either, and the only people I have met has been through drinking occasions. I don't have much confidence to socialize with strangers otherwise.
The main thing I am finding hard is the thoughts that I am a bad person, or that I will always be a mess. I feel like lately the only way people characterize me is as a drunk or as having got something wrong or messed something up. I can't remember a time in the recent past when I have felt any pride in anything I've done, and I feel increasingly apathetic about all aspects of life. I could be a slightly melancholic teenager but I did very well at school/uni - the shock of becoming, in reality, quite a helpless and unskilled adult has been hard.
Anyway, it is actually helping quite a bit to discuss this honestly - I have tried to broach this a little with people in a self-deprecating way and admitting to depression or problem drinking never really goes well. I still discuss it, because on some level I think the stigma is ridiculous, but I have also seen some wincing, semi-judgmental reactions. I also sometimes doubt if I have any real psychiatric issue at all, and whether I am not, in fact, just weak and unable to cope with life - there is no legitimate test for depression or OCD or anything else I think I might have. I may not be alcoholic either - I worry that I am seeking refuge in labels I have no right to, as a means of excusing my own poor behaviour to myself and others.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Personally, with all you have shared so far, I think that it's very likely that you ARE an alcoholic. Alcoholism is about how it affects us, and our thinking around it. Your rationalisation just in that post, straight after saying about rationalising drinking highlights that just what you're getting into her.
You say you 'follow' Cantab? What do you mean by 'follow'? Most people who are alcoholic will not be able to just 'cut down', and it doesn't sound like that's been working for you either. Is there a way that you can work their program a bit more rigorously? Or is it time to try something different?
You know there are lots of catch 22 situations that alcohol gets us into, and basically it's all very well noticing them, and discussing them. But until we get willing to change things, they'll stay as they are. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
I had to learn to give my AV (addictive voice) short shrift when it piped up with rationalisations. That was really hard at first, as I thought it was me making a reasonable and sound judgement. Basically there is no need to drink. Ever. So anything my head tells me that says there IS a need to, I now recognise as rationalisation. These are some (tip of the iceberg) of mine and my proper thoughts afterwards
But I don't want too stop drinking (why are you here then?)
But I might find out I'm not alcoholic (and?)
But people expect me to drink down the pub (avoid slippery places and slippery people til you can walk to the beat of your on drum)
But I don't have any hobbies (get some - you'll have that pub time and money free)
But I'm depressed (alcohol is a depressant)
But it's Xmas; my birthday; Partner's birthday; Tuesday; Saturday; holidays; etc. (and it still will be without a drink)
But my cat just died (drinking won't change things - just make you more depressed)
But I've got to go to work tomorrow (Yes. You have. And it'll be worse with a hangover)
Good luck for Lent. Let us know how you get on.
You say you 'follow' Cantab? What do you mean by 'follow'? Most people who are alcoholic will not be able to just 'cut down', and it doesn't sound like that's been working for you either. Is there a way that you can work their program a bit more rigorously? Or is it time to try something different?
You know there are lots of catch 22 situations that alcohol gets us into, and basically it's all very well noticing them, and discussing them. But until we get willing to change things, they'll stay as they are. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
I had to learn to give my AV (addictive voice) short shrift when it piped up with rationalisations. That was really hard at first, as I thought it was me making a reasonable and sound judgement. Basically there is no need to drink. Ever. So anything my head tells me that says there IS a need to, I now recognise as rationalisation. These are some (tip of the iceberg) of mine and my proper thoughts afterwards
But I don't want too stop drinking (why are you here then?)
But I might find out I'm not alcoholic (and?)
But people expect me to drink down the pub (avoid slippery places and slippery people til you can walk to the beat of your on drum)
But I don't have any hobbies (get some - you'll have that pub time and money free)
But I'm depressed (alcohol is a depressant)
But it's Xmas; my birthday; Partner's birthday; Tuesday; Saturday; holidays; etc. (and it still will be without a drink)
But my cat just died (drinking won't change things - just make you more depressed)
But I've got to go to work tomorrow (Yes. You have. And it'll be worse with a hangover)
Good luck for Lent. Let us know how you get on.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
Hi dw
Sounds like a laundry list of great reasons to stop there.
I understand not wanting to stop and I get being scared of stopping, but I think you need to stop - this thing is progressive and gets worse and worse the longer we drink.
I'm glad you found us - welcome
D
Sounds like a laundry list of great reasons to stop there.
I understand not wanting to stop and I get being scared of stopping, but I think you need to stop - this thing is progressive and gets worse and worse the longer we drink.
I'm glad you found us - welcome
D
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