SweatyHands

Checking in, day 7. I slept almost through the night with no sweats or tossing and turning. Only one nightmare about relapsing, and I got up and took the dog outside. When I got back to bed, my anxiety about the dream was gone. I'm having lunch with a sober friend today, and then spending the rest of the day doing homework and light exercise.

Stubbs16

Congrats on day seven! Im currently on day one. Keep adding to those days.

least

Congrats on the first of many sober weeks!

SweatyHands

Another successful day of facing stress and frustration sober. When I met my friend for lunch, I got very panicky when I walked up to the restaurant. I thought that it was just because it was crowded and I was maybe just having some early sobriety social anxiety. It wasn't until I was eating that I looked out the window and saw that I had driven past my favorite liquor store to get to the restaurant. Unconsciously, my AV knew how close he was to getting a bottle of vodka, but I was completely oblivious to the fact that I even drove past it. It's a small victory, but I'll take it.

SweatyHands

Update: I took a leave of absence from my graduate program today to focus on my recovery and my marriage. It seems like the safest thing to do. I was being pulled in three directions--recovery, saving my marriage, and my graduate studies. If I had to cut one of those cords to preserve my health, it had to be school. But, I'm closing out eight days sober and feeling positive about starting day nine.

Soberwolf

Good thinking SH

SweatyHands

Updates galore... So I had my meeting with my academic advisor today about my leave of absence, and it went great. I was approved for up to three years of leave without having to reapply to the program. I also got in just in time to drop my classes and get a full refund. Most importantly, I had almost every one of my professors come up to me and hug me and tell me how greatly I will be missed in the program. I was told over and over how unique my voice is in the context of the department, and that each one of them feels that this step back will only make me a stronger and more compassionate therapist.

This is where I get into trouble... I have never worked on a plan on how to celebrate or accept praise without drinking. This time around, I am trying to channel these feelings of pride into my recovery, as a way to come back and be the model student and therapist that they see in me.

While my time is not occupied with school, I am spending the time not devoted to active recovery and marriage re-building on learning Icelandic and Old Norse, practicing my religious observances, and finding a full time job. I need a job that will keep my mind occupied enough to not focus on an end-of-the-day drink, but simple enough that I can use it as an additional contemplative practice. I am trying to bring my meditation into my whole life, not just while I am sitting on the mat.

My academic advisor also told me that I am welcome to come on campus to use the shrine room for meditation whenever I want. She also said that I can schedule appointments with my meditation instructor as if I was still enrolled. My other professors also extended the offer to schedule office time with them for anything that comes up in my life, regardless if it specifically pertains to returning to school or not. I feel so fortunate to have this unexpected support system in this transitional time.

So that's where I am right now, as I close out day nine. I really would like to stop counting the days, as that seems to build up anxiety around whether I am where I feel I should be according to some imaginary recovery schedule or not. So, I may still occasionally mention how many days I have out of habit, but if I don't, it's not because of a relapse.

Dee74

I'm not sure its authentic but one of my favourite old Norse proverbs is

A head stuck on a pike no longer conspires.

Just the stuff for dealing with a trickster like the AV

I'm glad you're back SH

D

SweatyHands

...and one of my favorite Norse proverbs, which I believe also comes from The Havamal, is: "Brawl with a pig, and you come away with its stink." Fighting with my AV only ever lowered me to its level. Observing it and letting it go on its way leaves me sober and far less exhausted.

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 9 SH

SweatyHands

I had another meeting with faculty from my school about the logistics of my leave of absence, and afterwards, had tea with one of my former classmates. When I started my graduate program, she was one of the first people that I had a real connection with, on a human level. Over the course of the first semester, I had steered most of our social functions towards drinking activities. As a result, she and I grew apart as friends, because there was always the booze creating a superficial level of sociability that prevented us from having real conversations. Today, we had our first sober conversation outside of a classroom since last fall. It was really great to talk and catch up in a real, organic conversation. There were no weird tangents or miscommunications, and we talked about what we were feeling--rather than blaming our feelings on other people/circumstances or explaining it away as "drunk talk."

This is the first real, sober conversation that I have had with someone other than my wife or immediate family in several months. I admit that I was kind of intimidated by the thought that my conversational skills were tied to my alcohol consumption. What I learned is that I can speak passionately about things with which I am engaged. Now that I am actively working on recovery, life is what I am engaged in, and I can speak very passionately about it.

One step further along the path to the emotional maturity that I cut short with my substance abuse...

Steve3929

Good for you Sweatyhands. Impressive stuff. I am marriage will be much stronger without drinking!

mecanix

Sober is as sober do , sweaty hands ,

Keep on , m

Soberwolf

Good stuff SH