Class of December 2015 Pt 4
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: eastern canada
Posts: 65
Hi everyone. I feel bad writing as I have not contributed anything in quite a while. I have been lurking here daily but find it hard to even write anything. The longer it goes the tougher it is. Everyone seems like they are doing well in their sobriety.
I am still sober but I feel I have been struggling mentally. The "why me" and "forever" themes again. I can rationalize but I still feel the gnawing inside. I'm sitting tight and waiting for it to pass. I have a recovery plan in place and I do see my triggers (which I flee from at all cost).
I guess my 90 day mark coming up and I don't feel like life has changed a lot. I've been dealing with the possibility of some very bad health news for my wife. That's been weighing heavily on me. We won't know any news again until next week. Some unexpected large tax bills came in stressing our financial situation. Owning a business you never really know what you owe until taxman time. If those were not enough my best friend of 40 years will be charged for white collar crimes sooner than later.I've known for awhile but just found out he used my family's names in some shady/illegal ways. He has done some things to people I know and has betrayed our friendship. Trying to mend that bridge. Sounds like a country song.Looking forward to sun and no snow with a new season.
Sorry for popping in and whining with a truck load of problems. I just had to recognize how these things can influence my sobriety and my feelings towards it. It would be much worse if alcohol was involved. It has been a very long time with over 90 days sober. Last time time I reached 90 days I celebrated that fact for 3 years.
Reading how good everyone is and how each of us is dealing with their own situations does provide immense support and encouragement to me. Thank you all for that. I will probably continue to be a lurker but I am here and sober.
I am still sober but I feel I have been struggling mentally. The "why me" and "forever" themes again. I can rationalize but I still feel the gnawing inside. I'm sitting tight and waiting for it to pass. I have a recovery plan in place and I do see my triggers (which I flee from at all cost).
I guess my 90 day mark coming up and I don't feel like life has changed a lot. I've been dealing with the possibility of some very bad health news for my wife. That's been weighing heavily on me. We won't know any news again until next week. Some unexpected large tax bills came in stressing our financial situation. Owning a business you never really know what you owe until taxman time. If those were not enough my best friend of 40 years will be charged for white collar crimes sooner than later.I've known for awhile but just found out he used my family's names in some shady/illegal ways. He has done some things to people I know and has betrayed our friendship. Trying to mend that bridge. Sounds like a country song.Looking forward to sun and no snow with a new season.
Sorry for popping in and whining with a truck load of problems. I just had to recognize how these things can influence my sobriety and my feelings towards it. It would be much worse if alcohol was involved. It has been a very long time with over 90 days sober. Last time time I reached 90 days I celebrated that fact for 3 years.
Reading how good everyone is and how each of us is dealing with their own situations does provide immense support and encouragement to me. Thank you all for that. I will probably continue to be a lurker but I am here and sober.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Steely 
I know what you mean by not wanting to take more pills but wouldn't diss the idea entirely if it might help and also maybe help a tic disorder. Too good to be true maybe, but still .... It's not written in stone, you can always stop if you don't like it. Just my own opinion, 'cause I don't like pills either.
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans".
~ John Lennon
I like your quizzical cat avatar.
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans".
~ John Lennon
I like your quizzical cat avatar.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
MissP that is just great, I hope you might regale us with some tales of Asia or the beautiful hotel, way to go on a lovely sober memory and managing a social/work thing without drinking, you are awesome 
Hi Tick! I am sorry to hear that life is dishing difficulties your way right now and also commend your ongoing sobriety despite all of it. Sending out thoughts of health to you and your wife. I am sorry to hear of your friend and legal issues.
Jenses if you have a minute to say how things changed with the med? I am a horrible scatter brain but also probably have ld- the adhd and it can be intertwined but also ld can be mistaken for adhd... unfortunately I don't have the money for the proper testing and evaluation so I am a bit in the dark here except for what I have learned on my own and speaking with a few professionals.
Hi Steely! Is it chicken soup day?
Hi Tick! I am sorry to hear that life is dishing difficulties your way right now and also commend your ongoing sobriety despite all of it. Sending out thoughts of health to you and your wife. I am sorry to hear of your friend and legal issues.
Jenses if you have a minute to say how things changed with the med? I am a horrible scatter brain but also probably have ld- the adhd and it can be intertwined but also ld can be mistaken for adhd... unfortunately I don't have the money for the proper testing and evaluation so I am a bit in the dark here except for what I have learned on my own and speaking with a few professionals.
Hi Steely! Is it chicken soup day?
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,540
It is chicken soup day sleepie but the luxury of lazing around the flat for a day overtook me and I didn't buy the celery. I have now been reduced to pumpkin soup and I haven't got any sour cream. Tomorrow exists.
Tick I had to ask the question "why not me"? And why not? When I got that, I got acceptance and the feelings of being deprived evaporated heaps and I'm still working on it.
Sleepie did you work out the health care documents?
Would it be completely unaffordable for you to have the assessment done even with some govt assistance? It's obscene that some people do not get appropriate health care simply because of money. That sorta sews up the system in my books.
Hi MissP, hope you doing well and not overdoing it. It's good to kick back.
Tick I had to ask the question "why not me"? And why not? When I got that, I got acceptance and the feelings of being deprived evaporated heaps and I'm still working on it.
Sleepie did you work out the health care documents?
Would it be completely unaffordable for you to have the assessment done even with some govt assistance? It's obscene that some people do not get appropriate health care simply because of money. That sorta sews up the system in my books.
Hi MissP, hope you doing well and not overdoing it. It's good to kick back.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi guys.
Steely I am not eligible for government assistance. I wouldn't even know how to go about it. I was diagnosed as a kid with this neuro thing and since I have zero contract with family I have no papers or anything. It's ridiculous, I was telling my benzo taper dr about it and he didn't believe me since I wasn't having tics right there in front of him. I mean I guess if I were evaluated and got the results and all, they'd make sense out of it and then maybe I'd be eligible for something, but I don't have the money for the tests... a catch 22 I guess. Anyway I am moving more towards resigning myself to never having any of this sorted out in my life.
Steely I am not eligible for government assistance. I wouldn't even know how to go about it. I was diagnosed as a kid with this neuro thing and since I have zero contract with family I have no papers or anything. It's ridiculous, I was telling my benzo taper dr about it and he didn't believe me since I wasn't having tics right there in front of him. I mean I guess if I were evaluated and got the results and all, they'd make sense out of it and then maybe I'd be eligible for something, but I don't have the money for the tests... a catch 22 I guess. Anyway I am moving more towards resigning myself to never having any of this sorted out in my life.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,540
Out here sleepie we have advocates for people in your position. We also have a better health care system by the sound of it, though it is slowly being eroded.
Do you have an public (free) advocate who could help you navigate the system in terms of getting an assessment?
Is there any way you can get from family the neuro papers to help you understand better and as evidence for govt assistance?
If you were able to have an assessment done at little or no cost what would that do for you? What are the benefits of an assessment?
You sound really committed to your sobriety and hope you recognise the enormity of that achievement. Imagine if we were drinking?
No hope.
Do you have an public (free) advocate who could help you navigate the system in terms of getting an assessment?
Is there any way you can get from family the neuro papers to help you understand better and as evidence for govt assistance?
If you were able to have an assessment done at little or no cost what would that do for you? What are the benefits of an assessment?
You sound really committed to your sobriety and hope you recognise the enormity of that achievement. Imagine if we were drinking?
No hope.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,540
All of the above is predicated on you wanting an assessment. Just don't want to see you resign yourself when maybe there's a way around it.
I understand what you mean about doctors not believing you, that might mean they had to do something.
I understand what you mean about doctors not believing you, that might mean they had to do something.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Those are good questions Steel... well at least you motivated me to look around at who can even conduct an evaluation. So I found some people here in my city, on a site I am familiar with yet of course it went right over my head the other times I looked. DUH. I mean I am kind of lost here. But maybe I will call and see what the costs are, or ask my bf to do it... I am kind of scared to.
So, a person can't really just go and get an advocate, I mean I think I can handle it, I am not completely dysfunctional- I think you have to be pretty bad off to have an advocate. In my case I suspect I am just bad enough off to be able to make a mess of my life, yet I can still answer phones or push a broom so I am employable.
I am just dumb enough to never have a good job or life but not enough to need an advocate and that kind of thing. But I don't know how much I have changed as a result of simply living this way for so long- I mean it is stressful beyond what I can take. I thought I was going to have a melt down earlier today. Well I kind of did.
An evaluation would help, I'll tell you why- as scared as I am of having all this officially confirmed because, who wants to be diagnosed with a learning disorder? It would explain so, so much about my whole crummy life, and in a way I wouldn't feel so much that it's just my fault for being a screw up. It would be an explanation and I wouldn't beat myself up over so many things that I just cannot seem to do... and for being a total scatterbrain and basically a fail at life.
Absolutely not as far as getting in touch with family.
So, a person can't really just go and get an advocate, I mean I think I can handle it, I am not completely dysfunctional- I think you have to be pretty bad off to have an advocate. In my case I suspect I am just bad enough off to be able to make a mess of my life, yet I can still answer phones or push a broom so I am employable.
I am just dumb enough to never have a good job or life but not enough to need an advocate and that kind of thing. But I don't know how much I have changed as a result of simply living this way for so long- I mean it is stressful beyond what I can take. I thought I was going to have a melt down earlier today. Well I kind of did.
An evaluation would help, I'll tell you why- as scared as I am of having all this officially confirmed because, who wants to be diagnosed with a learning disorder? It would explain so, so much about my whole crummy life, and in a way I wouldn't feel so much that it's just my fault for being a screw up. It would be an explanation and I wouldn't beat myself up over so many things that I just cannot seem to do... and for being a total scatterbrain and basically a fail at life.
Absolutely not as far as getting in touch with family.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,540
In no way do I think you incapable of making the necessary phone calls, enquiries, etc. I know you are not dumb.
Advocates here are not in place for people who are "dumb", they are here to assist all/any people who may have difficulty in navigating DUMB FORMS, knowing what documents are needed, etc.
The fact that you can't access your neuro stuff from family makes for a real hurdle, maybe they could help you there?
Navigating that stuff is notoriously difficult and everyone hates it. Advocates are also in place to make sure your rights are being protected. They aren't there specifically for "dumb" people. Sheee!
Hope you have some success with your initial enquiries, it's worth a shot.
I just fried some chicken, so will close now and see ya later.
Advocates here are not in place for people who are "dumb", they are here to assist all/any people who may have difficulty in navigating DUMB FORMS, knowing what documents are needed, etc.
The fact that you can't access your neuro stuff from family makes for a real hurdle, maybe they could help you there?
Navigating that stuff is notoriously difficult and everyone hates it. Advocates are also in place to make sure your rights are being protected. They aren't there specifically for "dumb" people. Sheee!
Hope you have some success with your initial enquiries, it's worth a shot.
I just fried some chicken, so will close now and see ya later.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I didn't take it that way Steely, truth! I'm sorry- I re-read that and I see it could have come off like I was offended but I am not at all, really. I mean I really can admit that I am pretty doofy in some ways. But no, I didn't think you were calling me dumb in any way.
I guess what I was unsuccessfully trying to say is- There's no rhyme or reason to my kind of disorder. I mean sometimes getting organized and forms and things like you said- I am the Queen of Oversights and forgetting things and that sort of thing. And numbers? Forget it- absolutely not gonna happen. I don't even try anymore.
but then sometimes I can kind of have it "together" for awhile... and then things usually crumble if I have to maintain for too long. Now maybe ADHD plays in here too, like I was saying before, another reason to try and get a real evaluation.
it's kinda just a whole big 40-something pile of "Somethin' Ain't Right"...
And I do thank you for motivating me to take another look, because I really had kind of given up. I have been in bed sad for 3 days now. You lit a little fire so to speak.
I guess what I was unsuccessfully trying to say is- There's no rhyme or reason to my kind of disorder. I mean sometimes getting organized and forms and things like you said- I am the Queen of Oversights and forgetting things and that sort of thing. And numbers? Forget it- absolutely not gonna happen. I don't even try anymore.
but then sometimes I can kind of have it "together" for awhile... and then things usually crumble if I have to maintain for too long. Now maybe ADHD plays in here too, like I was saying before, another reason to try and get a real evaluation.
it's kinda just a whole big 40-something pile of "Somethin' Ain't Right"...
And I do thank you for motivating me to take another look, because I really had kind of given up. I have been in bed sad for 3 days now. You lit a little fire so to speak.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi guys.
sleepie, it seems a good idea to persevere with the evaluation route. Maybe get the bf to help like you said or keep at it. If you have to take a break from it, then do so, maybe before you get totally frustrated and depressed. It sounds like you're making progress. If you can get an evaluation, it sounds like it would "set you free" a little ...
I finished my meetings and am about to catch a flight home. Yeah, the hotel was good sleepie, but I didn't do much outside of working and going to the gym there. I think why I like it so much is because it's funky ... it doesn't look like your usual stuffy hotel, there's mod music playing and uncomfortable looking futuristic furniture everywhere. It takes a PhD to figure out how the lighting system works in the room. The staff walk around with earpieces like secret service agents. I feel very shallow confessing to liking it all. I think I like it because it's a bit like stepping out of real life. It must ache to be achingly hip all the time but a nice dose of fantasy once in a while is ok.
Drinks were good last night. When we sat down in the bar, the client noticed it was "bubbly Wednesday" and was stunned when I declined champagne and said I had stopped drinking. I got a good reaction ... the "Wow, good on you, I respect that you've managed to do it" type reaction.
Flight being called. Gotta go. Easter break coming up tomorrow!
sleepie, it seems a good idea to persevere with the evaluation route. Maybe get the bf to help like you said or keep at it. If you have to take a break from it, then do so, maybe before you get totally frustrated and depressed. It sounds like you're making progress. If you can get an evaluation, it sounds like it would "set you free" a little ...
I finished my meetings and am about to catch a flight home. Yeah, the hotel was good sleepie, but I didn't do much outside of working and going to the gym there. I think why I like it so much is because it's funky ... it doesn't look like your usual stuffy hotel, there's mod music playing and uncomfortable looking futuristic furniture everywhere. It takes a PhD to figure out how the lighting system works in the room. The staff walk around with earpieces like secret service agents. I feel very shallow confessing to liking it all. I think I like it because it's a bit like stepping out of real life. It must ache to be achingly hip all the time but a nice dose of fantasy once in a while is ok.
Drinks were good last night. When we sat down in the bar, the client noticed it was "bubbly Wednesday" and was stunned when I declined champagne and said I had stopped drinking. I got a good reaction ... the "Wow, good on you, I respect that you've managed to do it" type reaction.
Flight being called. Gotta go. Easter break coming up tomorrow!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
That's great MissP about your work associate having a positive reaction to your sobriety I really envisioned that hotel in my head and if I travelled somewhere as far as Asia I would be thrilled to find it to be futuristic, I like when spaces take us elsewhere or can feel otherworldly.
Well I went ahead and emailed one person on my list I found last night so here goes... I think one is enough for now!
Steely hope your fried chicken was delicious... sounds great!
I really envisioned that hotel in my head and if I travelled somewhere as far as Asia I would be thrilled to find it to be futuristic, I like when spaces take us elsewhere or can feel otherworldly.Well I went ahead and emailed one person on my list I found last night so here goes... I think one is enough for now!
Steely hope your fried chicken was delicious... sounds great!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Good on you sleepie....can't keep a good girl down.
The chicken was pretty good but my intention to buy celery thwarted again because it's Good Friday and the shops closed.
The hotel sounded groovy MissP. Futuristic furniture and secret service agents as staff would be fun, but as you say hard to be hip ongoingly, unless you are us of course.
Always good when someone reacts positively when told that you/we are no longer drinking. Strange that it should be any other way, The pervasive hold of alcohol and society.
Hope you got your truck on the road blacky and the oil leak not so bad. You need your truck for work so hope it can be fixed without it costing you a motza. Let us know how it all transpired. Not good thinking you don't have truck for work.
Restful Good Friday for me doing some reading and working around the house. I hate housework it is very boring.
Best to all.
The chicken was pretty good but my intention to buy celery thwarted again because it's Good Friday and the shops closed.
The hotel sounded groovy MissP. Futuristic furniture and secret service agents as staff would be fun, but as you say hard to be hip ongoingly, unless you are us of course.
Always good when someone reacts positively when told that you/we are no longer drinking. Strange that it should be any other way, The pervasive hold of alcohol and society.
Hope you got your truck on the road blacky and the oil leak not so bad. You need your truck for work so hope it can be fixed without it costing you a motza. Let us know how it all transpired. Not good thinking you don't have truck for work.
Restful Good Friday for me doing some reading and working around the house. I hate housework it is very boring.
Best to all.
Last edited by Steely; 03-24-2016 at 04:02 PM. Reason: Adend
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