Be Careful What You Wish For - Is This A Quack
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
Be Careful What You Wish For - Is This A Quack
It's been about three months since I left my high functioning alcoholic xBF. It's been really difficult in my healing as he is a local politician so his face is all over TV and news so as much I can remain no contact he's always there. Even my teen son still mentions him often.
I was also feeling so much rejection and nothingness because he let me walk away without a word.
Well, guess who showed up outside of Court the other day (I work there Monday's and Wednesday.)
Said he's been miserable without me, etc etc and this distance caused him to reevaluate his life and his choices. He has started therapy, he is on medication, and he hasn't had a thing to drink in 62 days.
He asked if we could start to slowly start spend time together to get back to a place of trust and hopefully a relationship.
Ok friends, go!
I was also feeling so much rejection and nothingness because he let me walk away without a word.
Well, guess who showed up outside of Court the other day (I work there Monday's and Wednesday.)
Said he's been miserable without me, etc etc and this distance caused him to reevaluate his life and his choices. He has started therapy, he is on medication, and he hasn't had a thing to drink in 62 days.
He asked if we could start to slowly start spend time together to get back to a place of trust and hopefully a relationship.
Ok friends, go!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
Feeling: scared, anxious, suspicious, excited, happy. Could this work, could this fantasy really come true?
Thinking: I've learned enough from these wonderful forums that you can't be successful without a program, you shouldn't have a relationship the first year or two of recovery, and frankly I don't believe a word he says. So run away and don't look back.
Thinking: I've learned enough from these wonderful forums that you can't be successful without a program, you shouldn't have a relationship the first year or two of recovery, and frankly I don't believe a word he says. So run away and don't look back.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest you congratulate him and tell him to keep up the good work. And to look you up in a year if he's still sober.
You know the old saying about "the bigger they are, the harder they fall"? Very true of people in the public eye. People in his position are under a lot of pressure--and a lot of scrutiny. Do you really want to have a front row seat if he were to have a highly publicized alcohol-related incident?
OK, I guess that was kind of shallow of me--to have my first thought go to the potential for embarrassment. But politics is full of ups and downs, and I'd want to feel pretty secure about the prospects of his continued recovery before I hitched my wagon to this political star. The pressures alone present special challenges.
It also sounds to me a little like you're giving into your own discomfort--relieving it by considering resuming a relationship that troubled you enough to leave it once. Furthermore, you posted only a couple of weeks ago that his new dating profile says that he drinks socially--is that consistent with what he's telling you now?
You know the old saying about "the bigger they are, the harder they fall"? Very true of people in the public eye. People in his position are under a lot of pressure--and a lot of scrutiny. Do you really want to have a front row seat if he were to have a highly publicized alcohol-related incident?
OK, I guess that was kind of shallow of me--to have my first thought go to the potential for embarrassment. But politics is full of ups and downs, and I'd want to feel pretty secure about the prospects of his continued recovery before I hitched my wagon to this political star. The pressures alone present special challenges.
It also sounds to me a little like you're giving into your own discomfort--relieving it by considering resuming a relationship that troubled you enough to leave it once. Furthermore, you posted only a couple of weeks ago that his new dating profile says that he drinks socially--is that consistent with what he's telling you now?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
That's my girl!!!! You used a good word, I think...."fantasy".
I imagine that there is a certain amount of attractiveness, there...and that can be alluring.
My husband was in local politics for a couple of terms )lost his third bid).
His name and face was everywhere...he was verrry controversial.....
My eyes were really opened to the world of politics and what goes on behind the scenes,,,and the people.....
We...were so glad to be out of it.....after the pain of the l oss was over.
The celebrity part is very fleeting....and the ego needs of some of those people are enormous.....many of the significant others live a very second priority position in their personal relationships. (my husband was different, in that respect).....
I know what the life is like...so, I would be very suspicious, myself about career politicians)......I may be a little prejudices....but, my personal observation is that very successful (visible) men and very wealthy men often have their main interests on their work and find it hard to devote what I would need in a relationship.
Those personal revelations aside...lol....I am just saying....it is so important to think about what you need in a relationship.....because, if you don't get that.....everything else pales.....
It would take your ex a very long time to get himself sorted out, anyway....two years, at the least.....
I wouldn't want to see you putting yourself on a shelf while waiting......or settling........
I'm just saying......
dandylion
I imagine that there is a certain amount of attractiveness, there...and that can be alluring.
My husband was in local politics for a couple of terms )lost his third bid).
His name and face was everywhere...he was verrry controversial.....
My eyes were really opened to the world of politics and what goes on behind the scenes,,,and the people.....
We...were so glad to be out of it.....after the pain of the l oss was over.
The celebrity part is very fleeting....and the ego needs of some of those people are enormous.....many of the significant others live a very second priority position in their personal relationships. (my husband was different, in that respect).....
I know what the life is like...so, I would be very suspicious, myself about career politicians)......I may be a little prejudices....but, my personal observation is that very successful (visible) men and very wealthy men often have their main interests on their work and find it hard to devote what I would need in a relationship.
Those personal revelations aside...lol....I am just saying....it is so important to think about what you need in a relationship.....because, if you don't get that.....everything else pales.....
It would take your ex a very long time to get himself sorted out, anyway....two years, at the least.....
I wouldn't want to see you putting yourself on a shelf while waiting......or settling........
I'm just saying......
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Gem, you can recover without a program, and I am an example. There's a few caveats, like if you have mental illness that needs to be tackled as an underlying cause, or personality issues that remain after sobriety. A fundamentally nice guy might recover by himself, and I can see your EXBF not wanting to go to AA with the chance of publicity. Is he seeing a therapist?
Of course you should be wary, but you don't have much information to judge how much energy he's putting into his recovery, or even whether he's actually sober.
Maybe you could open cautious communication, like a coffee now and then, without committing to a full-on relationship? If that's how you feel.
Recovery is a long journey and you can go through many stages like enthusiasm, cravings, depression, temptation, over-optimism and so on, and relapse is always a danger. So is thinking you can have a beer now and then. The key to success is a calm acceptance that you can never drink again, ever. If he hasn't reached that point then I'd suggest you stay away.
Of course you should be wary, but you don't have much information to judge how much energy he's putting into his recovery, or even whether he's actually sober.
Maybe you could open cautious communication, like a coffee now and then, without committing to a full-on relationship? If that's how you feel.
Recovery is a long journey and you can go through many stages like enthusiasm, cravings, depression, temptation, over-optimism and so on, and relapse is always a danger. So is thinking you can have a beer now and then. The key to success is a calm acceptance that you can never drink again, ever. If he hasn't reached that point then I'd suggest you stay away.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Sounds like a lot of words....in other words, quacking. As Lexie said, his words arebt even adding up-they rarely do when in active addiction. Addicts spin a web of lies and deceit. I'd say-great!! Call me in a year if you're sober!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I say quack. He shows up for the dramatic lovescene instead of sending a letter acknowledging the pain he's caused? Its straight out of the man playbook chapter on how to get back together with the girl by pushing the emotion buttons. He might even mean it but how long is the recovery likely to last when he gets the girl back and his life is back in order. Coffee on neutral ground with no emotional or physical gratification in the cards might be OK.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I would take solace that your feelings about being discarded, and his ability to move on as if it were nothing, have been validated. Its mind tricks.
Then I would move on.
60 days is awesome, yet it really is very little time. If Mr. politician were in a program or with an addiction therapist, he would be told no major life changes for a year which you acknowledge.
Going back to him would mean rebuilding trust in the relationship which takes a very, very long time. In the meantime he is going through his form of "recovery" which I don't think is a very stable time for anyone. I think you are looking at a LOT of issues if you walk back into this. Like too many people, he is looking for a quick fix, and I hope you don't fall for it.
I like the suggestion of telling him to come back in a year's time. That will give you more time to heal, and him more time to get it right. My guess is he would be with someone else. Red flags are flying , the dating site and all of that so quickly after you broke up. Guy can't be alone. Be careful.
Then I would move on.
60 days is awesome, yet it really is very little time. If Mr. politician were in a program or with an addiction therapist, he would be told no major life changes for a year which you acknowledge.
Going back to him would mean rebuilding trust in the relationship which takes a very, very long time. In the meantime he is going through his form of "recovery" which I don't think is a very stable time for anyone. I think you are looking at a LOT of issues if you walk back into this. Like too many people, he is looking for a quick fix, and I hope you don't fall for it.
I like the suggestion of telling him to come back in a year's time. That will give you more time to heal, and him more time to get it right. My guess is he would be with someone else. Red flags are flying , the dating site and all of that so quickly after you broke up. Guy can't be alone. Be careful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 2,981
I agree with all of the advice above. I married the same Alcoholic twice. 32 years is a long time to be a bit actor in another's stage show. I have been sober in recovery for 10 months and he is still drinking. He has a very good job and all the status symbols of affluence. He was warned at work and has had 4 dui's spaced out enough to not have a felony. He promised over and over to change his behavior and of course is worse than ever. We are divorced with limited contact. Don't believe a word he says.
Run!!!
Run!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I am over two years sober. I don't think that I started really dealing with true emotional recovery and underlying issues until about 6 months ago. The first year almost felt like a game/competition that I was playing with myself. Recovery is not a side-line thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
Everyone - thank you!! As always, I knew I could come here and not only get support but reality checks. I read a post awhile back about a quack decoder ring. It made me laugh, but really I need one! Before this relationship I honestly knew nothing about alcoholism. Grew up in a family that only had wine on special occasions and all my schooling days I was so busy I was never the partying type, so really this was all so new to me.
I don't think I could handle coffee or friendship with no emotion. There's still too many feelings and too much intensity there. And I know I would probably cave to his charm and promises.
On another note, after doing a little digging (which I know I probably shouldn't have,) he apparently told his assistant, who is a friend of mine, that now that he knows he can remain sober for as long he wants, he may start seeing if he can just drink on weekends or put rules into place for when it might be ok. He read an article on drinking in moderation and that is is as equally successful for some as abstinence.
I don't even know what to say to that.
I don't think I could handle coffee or friendship with no emotion. There's still too many feelings and too much intensity there. And I know I would probably cave to his charm and promises.
On another note, after doing a little digging (which I know I probably shouldn't have,) he apparently told his assistant, who is a friend of mine, that now that he knows he can remain sober for as long he wants, he may start seeing if he can just drink on weekends or put rules into place for when it might be ok. He read an article on drinking in moderation and that is is as equally successful for some as abstinence.
I don't even know what to say to that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I know what to say to that...QUACK!!!
I grew up like you did, Gem. My dad brought home a six pack of beer every few months. It lasted for weeks. I had no context or experience at all with addiction before my STBXAH. It's good that you are aware of your own limitations and vulnerabilities here, and that you will enforce the boundaries you need to enforce to protect yourself.
I grew up like you did, Gem. My dad brought home a six pack of beer every few months. It lasted for weeks. I had no context or experience at all with addiction before my STBXAH. It's good that you are aware of your own limitations and vulnerabilities here, and that you will enforce the boundaries you need to enforce to protect yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Ladies I like what FeelingGreat says.. this is possible but very carefully... and if you really do understand the beast and know the points of harm the animal can do it helps... prayers kiddo prayers.. I would say calls coffee and maybe dinner for Christmas.. if he is going a better path.. this way you are not on the path. but viewing the animal from the side.. crossing my fingers for all of you..
lost a good friend that was married to a news caster for 25 years.. just a few weeks ago. they had divorced and she just could not take it... hugs and prayers ardy
lost a good friend that was married to a news caster for 25 years.. just a few weeks ago. they had divorced and she just could not take it... hugs and prayers ardy
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Gem, you can recover without a program, and I am an example. There's a few caveats, like if you have mental illness that needs to be tackled as an underlying cause, or personality issues that remain after sobriety. A fundamentally nice guy might recover by himself, and I can see your EXBF not wanting to go to AA with the chance of publicity. Is he seeing a therapist?
Of course you should be wary, but you don't have much information to judge how much energy he's putting into his recovery, or even whether he's actually sober.
Maybe you could open cautious communication, like a coffee now and then, without committing to a full-on relationship? If that's how you feel.
Recovery is a long journey and you can go through many stages like enthusiasm, cravings, depression, temptation, over-optimism and so on, and relapse is always a danger. So is thinking you can have a beer now and then. The key to success is a calm acceptance that you can never drink again, ever. If he hasn't reached that point then I'd suggest you stay away.
Of course you should be wary, but you don't have much information to judge how much energy he's putting into his recovery, or even whether he's actually sober.
Maybe you could open cautious communication, like a coffee now and then, without committing to a full-on relationship? If that's how you feel.
Recovery is a long journey and you can go through many stages like enthusiasm, cravings, depression, temptation, over-optimism and so on, and relapse is always a danger. So is thinking you can have a beer now and then. The key to success is a calm acceptance that you can never drink again, ever. If he hasn't reached that point then I'd suggest you stay away.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Gemlitigate
. He read an article on drinking in moderation and that is is as equally successful for some as abstinence.
I don't even know what to say to that.
I don't even know what to say to that.
The only people who moderate from heavy drinking were never alcoholics If you read the analysis of the analysis or "studies" of proving that alcoholics can moderate every-single-one says the same: they weren't alcoholics to begin with.
I agree with Anvilhead, Later!!!!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
My heart goes out to you...in one hand you want to so believe this man...that he is doing better...that he regrets things..that he has changed...but action and time will tell. I was never strong enough to say no to my ex and always took him back...but that was (is) my issue with co-dependency...I felt a need to be sucked into someone that was so broken. I was afraid of being alone. Don't do what I did...it just prolonged the bad relationship. It sounds like you know what to do...stay away for a year and then see what happens. Work on you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
maybe this is an important thread for so many of us ladies... just got a note from my daughter... we went to her townhouse for thanksgiving .. for the first time every.. her and hubby were divorced in July of 2014 house sold on their 22 wedding ann.... she was in London for over a year.. has brought back a nice youngman I can call him St Nick.. he seems to be a very nice young man.. they are both in their early 40's.... but her note ladies her note.. was so sad... polite but so sad... my Saving Grace.. is stuck and not sure which way to turn... have found that hubby number 1's mom is back in Wisconsin.. just don't know how much of a lady I could be if I ran into her.. have found she is a nasty drunk and a mean mouthed woman... just don't know.... hugs all and thanks kiddo for letting me say this here.. a Mom.. a sad clown... prayers to all...ardy
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