pay his deposit?

Old 11-30-2015, 03:48 PM
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He will get arrested only if he VIOLATES the order. Which is pretty much the whole point. His incarceration, or lack thereof, is entirely in his hands. Following the order is very simple. He can't get arrested by mistake.

There is no reason his job would have to know about the order unless he chooses to tell them. The only exception would be police or certain other sensitive positions. You said he works at a minimum wage job so it's a non-issue.

I don't care how long you stayed with him or what you endured--you don't deserve to be afraid or put down or humiliated. Period. End of story. The fact that he may have had a bad childhood doesn't mean he gets to take it out on you.

This is about protecting yourself and your family.
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Old 11-30-2015, 03:54 PM
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One other thought--you said you were afraid that getting the order would make him angry and you were afraid of what he might do. Isn't it pretty clear by now that you can't make him NOT be mean, violent, and abusive by what you do or don't do? Doesn't he simply engage in that behavior because in the moment he is displeased by something? He was "nice" for a couple of days because he figured he would lull you into letting him stay. The minute you repeated what you had already said to him (that it would be for a "couple of days") he acted all shocked and indignant and the abuser came right back out from behind the nice mask he was wearing--for as long as it suited his purposes.
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Old 11-30-2015, 04:04 PM
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Kboys......in my state, you can get a no trespassing order. If you ask them to leave, and they don't...you can call the police and they will remove the person from the property.....not, necessarily, arrest them (unless there is a reason to do so). whether they issue a fine, o r not, is up to the police discression.....

I did that, once, and it worked very well.


Just a thought.......

I believe that he WILL come back, again, sooner or later.

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Old 11-30-2015, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
One other thought--you said you were afraid that getting the order would make him angry and you were afraid of what he might do. Isn't it pretty clear by now that you can't make him NOT be mean, violent, and abusive by what you do or don't do? Doesn't he simply engage in that behavior because in the moment he is displeased by something? He was "nice" for a couple of days because he figured he would lull you into letting him stay. The minute you repeated what you had already said to him (that it would be for a "couple of days") he acted all shocked and indignant and the abuser came right back out from behind the nice mask he was wearing--for as long as it suited his purposes.
This is a really good point. I also worried constantly about "setting him off." It took me a long time to realize that something is ALWAYS going to set him off, no matter what.
You enforced a boundary and he immediately turned on the abuse. Because it's not about drinking or anger or him learning to control his temper. It's about entitlement. He behaves this way because it has always gotten him what he wanted. My ex was the same. It's a pretty nice deal for the abuser. They get to say/do/have whatever they want, the whole household caters to them (because they're afraid not to) and they get to feel like a superhero because they clean the house once a year.
Don't beat yourself up. A big part of my recovery has been to forgive myself for accepting so much unacceptable behavior. And he's gone now. And it didn't cost you a dime. Plus you got a clean house out of the deal. So this could have been much worse.
On the serious side, stay safe and don't be afraid to take steps to protect yourself and the kids.
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Old 11-30-2015, 04:26 PM
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Do not pay anything for him.

Call the police if you need to.
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Old 11-30-2015, 04:26 PM
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He is petrified of being arrested again... so I do think it getting a protective order would "work" for the most part... but then I have visions of him getting so out of control that the threat of arrest doesn't phase him....

But you're right, I know that no matter what I do or don't do, I can't make him be nice... or whatever.

As far as him being arrested just by getting the order- there is a warrant for his arrest out of another county. One of the forms that I was told has to be filed along with the request for PO is a CLETS (I live in CA) so the Court can run his criminal history, they would see his warrant, and pick him up...
Maybe it wouldn't really happen that way? I don't know...

And I know I shouldn't care anyway- if he would have taken care of what he needed to, there would not be an arrest warrant.

Plus... I'm pretty sure he could find another crappy job somewhere else
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Old 11-30-2015, 04:35 PM
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If he's got a warrant out he could get arrested if he's pulled over for speeding or jaywalking. Not your problem or your responsibility. He can clear up the warrant if he wants to not be arrested.

If the threat of being arrested doesn't stop him, he will find himself locked up increasingly often and increasingly longer until it DOES stop him. The question you also have to ask yourself is whether you will have the guts to call the police if/when he does violate the order. The order becomes a meaningless piece of paper unless you let the police know when it's violated. One more empty threat.

An advocate can help you with safety planning, remember that. There are things you can do to stay safer but you're not likely to keep him out of the house without an order, should he take it in his head to get drunk and come in anyway because it's his home, too.

There's a system in place to protect you. Please take advantage of it.
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Old 11-30-2015, 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Kboys View Post
He was in a good mood, had cleaned the house.

I told him my thoughts about paying the deposit
And he got angry, and acted as though he was stunned I was expecting him to leave...

He said,
"I just spent all morning cleaning up... I'm being nice...I am not the piece of sh1t that everyone thinks I am..." and on an on, same old quacking.

He then went on to tell me that he discovered the reason why I go to Al-anon. He said he always "knew" I had "other motives". He said he found my list of Al-anon members names and numbers, and saw that one of his buddies from jail goes to my group. So I obviously have been going just to see him...
He "always had a funny feeling about that guy".
He called me a liar, a *****...

He threw the things he came with back into his backpack and left on foot, right after he called me a "f***ing c**t."
This is so typical of the alcoholic's mindset. Doing 'good deeds' for the purpose of getting something in return, and then blowing up at their victim when they don't get what they want. You see how he tried to twist the situation around into being all about how the problems in his life aren't the fault of his drinking, but the fault of everybody else? How quickly he would go from sweet and 'nice' to calling you a c*** and accusing you of attending Al Anon for the sake of hooking up? He's trying to make you feel guilty for reinforcing your boundaries and focusing on your own needs.
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Old 12-01-2015, 04:28 AM
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I am glad he is gone.....no I would not pay for a deposit. Ever. Why? besides the obvious once you start that its just reason to come back for more. He is irresponsible - do you really think he is going to have the rent and utilities every month? Guess who is going to call when he is short on money? Additionally, how is he supposed to pass a credit and background check to sign the lease? I think had you gotten involved you would have been put in a position to sign the lease for him (If they would have taken someone with an outstanding warrant).

Please do not ever let this man back in your home again. EVER. He really had no intention of ever finding another place to live....you got lucky that his hot temper got the best of him and he vacated the property with just insults and name calling.

He'll find place to live......they always do.
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Old 12-01-2015, 11:55 AM
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Hugs to Kboys... no advice here, but I'm thinking of you.
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Old 12-01-2015, 12:14 PM
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FWIW KBoys, my opinion is "absolutely not". There is NO WAY - absolute zero chance that I'm incurring debt to pay a deposit for him. That's a Band-Aid on a broken arm & only buying you time until his next "need" surfaces. Put the money toward the kids.

"No" only has meaning/power when you stick to it - if you roll over & go back on it & turn your no into a soft yes/maybe, you're showing him that if he keeps pushing eventually you WILL cave. (like letting him stay Sat/Sun) We give away your power when we flip-flop like that.

He has 100% of the control & ability & power to change all of this into something else - it's up to HIM, not you. (((((Hugs))))))
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:07 PM
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Have you changed the locks yet?

I would do that--you don't know if he has a hidden a key from the past and may show up.

I would listen to Lexie and follow through on that protective order.
Really, that's the only leverage you have to stop him showing up again
drunk and angry.

Do it to protect your kids if you won't do it for you--
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:28 PM
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Thomas45-my oh my, that was my ex...Gawd it was ridiculoyus. He would do things only to later hold them over my head...."how dare you tell me to spend time with my kids-do you know how hard I worked todat? And on top of that I helped you fold one piece of laundry! Once a year is too much for me-you should be so proud of me and kissing the ground I walk on". Bleh. Seriously, these abusers all call plays from the same playbook. My ex will throw the line out abd when I don't respond (bc I truly have not one word to say to him, like ever again), he blows a gasket..,,I can see the tornado coming-it's like clockwork! I recall back in march if this year teceivung messages from my ex in the middle of the night basically telling me he hit his knees praying, went to the place we met, etc, etc....and not less than 18 hours later I was threatened by him-yes, lovely. How much do I want to go back to that!!
KBoys-change the locks (you should be able to). This guy will come back-he will. I feel it. My ex tried multiple times to claw his way in-and I shut him down each time bc I do not trust him one iota. I've seen my ex drive by my house too many times to count-all reported with the police-and was followed home/stalked outside my home a couple of months ago...reported to police as well. I will so whatever it takes to protect myself and my kids-and I know you will , too. This guy is dangerous-please keep us updated!!!! I am worried aboyt you !
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Old 12-01-2015, 02:23 PM
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I had a similar situation with the father of my kids...we are no longer together...I finally kicked him out (alcohol, gambling, cheating, verbal abuse) but would get sucked back in and allowed him to stay on the couch or son's room just for a night or two because I thought I "felt bad" for my kids. I wanted him to be able to see them. There was no way I would let him have them if he was staying at a hotel.
He did something similar...tried to be the "nice guy" and when I told him he needed to find another place to stay he got upset. They do that when they don't get their way...I finally had to write a 30 day notice for him to leave (we were not married). If didn't leave by the end of that 30 days I was going to the police for help. It sounds like he has a bad temper...you don't know what he might do. I would also suggest getting that protective order. Save your money for you and your kids...not for his deposit..please let us know how you are doing.
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Old 12-01-2015, 04:18 PM
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Thanks everybody.
I'm doing okay. Better today.
I had dinner with a couple co-workers last night, which I'm glad I did.
AH called several times, but didn't try to come over, and I didn't answer.
It was pretty hard for me to sleep last night.

He doesn't have a key anymore that I know of, but you're right, he could have one stashed somewhere. Changing the locks is probably a good idea.

I did call the DV person, who encouraged me also to file for the protective order. I looked it over again and updated some things... I've had it almost ready to file for a while now, but haven't done it. I told her I would do it tomorrow, and she said she would go with me.

"The question you also have to ask yourself is whether you will have the guts to call the police if/when he does violate the order. The order becomes a meaningless piece of paper unless you let the police know when it's violated. One more empty threat.
"
True... ^^^I think I'm more ready now than ever before.

Thanks so much for all the support and love, and for sticking with me.... I'm sure some of you would like to slap some sense into me
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Old 12-01-2015, 05:14 PM
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Warm, gentle hugs. No slapping. We travel along this journey as we're ready. Pausing along the way is sometimes needed to get our bearings.

Great actions on having dinner with friends and calling the DV support. That's big!
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Old 12-01-2015, 05:16 PM
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It's considered bad form to slap DV victims--unless you happen to be a batterer, of course.

Good for you--I'm so glad you called the advocate and that she will go with you to court. They are awesome people--I meet a lot of them in my work, and I'm so thankful they do what they do.

And yes, change the locks. A locksmith can come and do it cheaply--I had mine changed when I moved into my (then) new house, just for added security. They don't even have to install new ones, though if yours are flimsy, it wouldn't hurt to replace them. Make sure all your windows, garage, etc. are secure, too. It's a good idea for any woman living alone, even if she doesn't have an angry abuser out there.
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Old 12-02-2015, 05:03 AM
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Good Morning K
Nobody wants to slap you, we have all been there! Lol.
Please change the locks and secure your house, I have a funny feeling he'll be back. I remember plenty of evening where i was terrified of my exh. Ugh!!!! I used to sleep with my son in my bedroom, door locked with a chair propped up under the door handle and a towel stuffed between the bottom of the door and the floor. What a terrible way to live! Be lucky you got this guy out of your home and PLEASE do not let him back in.
Keep us posted! Good luck today...
Ro
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