PuzzledHeart

Well, I survived Thanksgiving with only minor gnashing of teeth. The quick, lowdown: my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and my sister, who has most likely taken up pot again, has pretty much avoided helping her or my dad for the past eleven months. So Thanksgiving dinner was going to be a trip, to say the least.

Over the holiday, my dad asked her for the umpteenth time to help him and she finally said yes. I know I should be glad but 1) she's incredibly unreliable 2) I suspect her motivation isn't altruistic. To make a long story short, her ex-husband finally told her that enough was enough and she had to move out of the house she supposed to move out of three years ago (he's been paying the mortgage on the house and she doesn't contribute a dime.) Her alimony also runs out next year. 3) I think that my relatives are beginning to talk about her behavior, and she's embarrassed.

My dad is telling me to forgive her because she's my sister. My mom and I are just suspicious. (My mom's also not happy because my dad just asked my sister to help without talking to my mom first, which is a whole other story) I just spent an hour explaining to my dad that just because she spends two weeks of taking care of mom that I'm not going to suddenly accept her with open arms. I told him that I suspect that she's just trying to nice us back so she'll have a place to live (my parents' house). I told him that I'm sick of her acting the role of super nice sister, only for her to act like a viper as soon as I let my guard down. I said that she would basically have to clean up her act for a year before I would trust her again. She basically took a year digging herself into this hole (and I'm not even counting the years she's smoked pot), so to say that the slate is clean after two weeks, in my mind, is just ridiculous.

She also wrote to a cousin of mine on FB basically saying, "Guess what, my sister's so clueless she thinks you only have one kid when you have three. We talked about it over Thanksgiving dinner" when in reality it was my HUSBAND who made the initial error. Fortunately, I nipped that one in the bud by posting my version and sending a private message to my cousin.

It would be such a minor thing, I would normally pass it off as a moment of confusion. But we had had such a good Thanksgiving dinner, and then for her to do something like that... it was like she was doing something just a little bit evil just to see how far she could take it. It was also incredibly sad - she thinks the only way to be funny is to make fun of other people. And I sometimes wonder if she wanted me to catch her so I would be angry at her, and so she could prove to herself that attending Thanksgiving dinner would be pointless because I would get angry at her over the smallest thing. Or maybe I'm just looking for something to be angry at because she's been so infuriating and she was actually nice over dinner and my mind couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance?

So my dad tells me I should let it go, and I realize that I should because holding onto minor transgressions like that -well, it just makes my heart heavy. But should I be a bit easier on my sister? I will show my gratitude for her coming in to help mom if she shows up. But am I right to be so suspicious of her motives?

Ugh.

Ann

It sounds like you have been put in the middle, or allowed yourself to be put there with other peoples relationships. All being in the middle does is make us dizzy while others do their dance around us.

An old time member here, CatsPajamas, used to say "what others think of me is none of my business" and then use the analogy of having a hula hoop around us....everything inside that hoop is ours to be responsible for, everything outside that hoop belongs to others and is not ours to control.

I think of those words often and check my own hula hoop zone frequently.

Hugs

thequest

Ouch! Going through that rock and a hard place as well. I too get the let it go they're family. It's funny how many of the senior members of a family seem to be the most naive when it comes to addicts and/or con men/women of the family. The family member tried to alleviate guilt of they're missing a birthday by berating those who got a small gift & card for a birthday saying they've should've been taken out for a $200 meal. I too would be suspect of all the sudden of 'volunteering' out of the goodness of their heart.

The family member here needed a car so he hooked up with his ex, literally the week he lost access to a car. He played the long con as well slow stepping up his relationship a month or two prior to losing the vehicle for which he was apparently warned.

If nothing else addicts/alkies learned or are good at manipulating people. They work hard at selling their "ideas". Here he constantly tries subliminal suggestion constantly talking or harping on a issue. They also tend to focus on one thing ignoring consequences along with practicality & ethics. It's not just lies or theft it's manipulation and deception as well.

You are right to be suspect but until enough family gets on board I don't think there's much to do except try to educate the family on addiction and the addict's behaviors & tricks of the trade. It was a battle just to convince family there were issues now the battle is to do something because they're afraid to push them over the edge.

Good Luck!

hopeful4

I would say you sound tired.

I hate to say this, but trust your gut. If your guts says she's off, then she is. I know parents always want siblings to get along, but sometimes it's just not in the cards. Bad behaviors have consequences, and any of your family who protect her from those consequences are not doing her any favors, she will continue to dig herself into a hole.

I'm sorry.

zoso77

No.

I think any of us who have dealt with someone's addiction issues reaches a point of saturation. It's part of being human.

To echo what others have said...if your gut is telling you something, pay attention to it. Don't let your emotions cloud your reason. Instead, pay attention to your intuition, and what your eyes are telling you.

AnvilheadII

be very careful having an active addict around someone going through cancer treatment regimen and the PAIN MEDS they are likely to be prescribed. my husband's brother was stealing fentanyl patches while his dad was still ALIVE. and then took them all two days after he passed away.

PuzzledHeart

Ann, you nailed my family dynamic on the head. The hospice social worker told me that I had to stop trying to rescuing the family and just focus on myself.

thequest, I take small comfort in the fact that family members are beginning to understand what a con woman my sister can be. That said, my family could write the book on enabling. My father just wishes I could just forgive her and forget this ever happened. It makes me so mad that he's the one person who suffered most from my sister's denial to help my mom.

hopeful4, yes to being tired. when I look at my mom and see her essentially force feed herself, even though everything tastes like mush to her, I try my darndest to snap out of it. And yes and yes to everything else you said too.


zoso, you always say what's needed.

Anvilhead, believe me I check the oxy! However, my sister insists that she only wants to consume things that are natural (like pot) and would rather not consume things produced by Big Pharma. For some reason, my BS meter doesn't go off on that line - I suspect in this case she's telling the truth.

Thank you so much, all. I'm so grateful that you take the time to answer me.