thequest

Having some issues with alkie/addict here. Finally family realizes there are substance abuse issues among others. Now the battle has shifted to the issue of enabling. Not giving money or buying alcohol for them is under control but the alkie/addict is continuously asking for seemingly harmless favors such as rides for a lot of personal "errands". He is also trying to manipulate, con or talk people into buying other things for him yet he has money for alcohol, sport supplements legal or not, fashion, restaurant food etc. He thinks since he is asking for things like "a" piece of furniture or just "a" ride and not money he is entitled to it. Get's upset when you question why or don't give him things like a ride with joy.

Summed up only a small portion of his requests are essential such as 'work' which itself is ify. My thinking is until every dime and minute of spare time is spent on the alkie's/addict's essential needs giving them "harmless" optional things even if our effort, time or stuff helps enable the bad behavior. He keeps on harping, whining if you don't do this for me now then this will happen which too close to extortion for me.

Some in the family realize he is being enabled or spoiled and others are afraid to put anything resembling pressure on them fearing it will push them over the edge. With decades of financial, relationship and physical issues/problems I think they've already slipped.

All comes back to the basic issues including enabling vs help. Explaining this to friends & family is , not dealing with the alkie/addict is the issue here.

Any suggestions.

Thanks for reading at length.

cynical one

Why doesn't a grown man have his own car?

SparkleKitty

Just as you cannot control or cure the addict, you cannot control or cure the people around them. They will have to learn on their own time and dime what they can live with giving, and what they can't.

thequest

Decades of financial mismanagement including over spending on everything including previous cars. Their most recent dui drained most of their existing resources(they had the gall to ask for money to pay for a lawyer and fines-that was put to rest fast). There are lifestyle addiction problems here as well literally still trying to maintain a very transient go where and when they want lifestyle.

My argument is that they must learn to life with in their means, at least for the time being. That includes public transportation and dollar menu at fast food places But it's back to "that will push them over the edge". Funny thing is that those who are afraid to push them to become more independent are the ones keeping them dependent because although their time and effort is not money if gives the alkie/addict time and money for destructive if not productive behavior. They are just killing time until "something" happens financially to solve their problems. They've all but admitted they are waiting for inheritance from a future family passing among other things.

cynical one

Ahhh got it. IMO, affluenza is a much much worse disease than addiction ever could be.

You have no more control or influence over an entire clan of enablers than you have over a single addict. To try to convince, persuade, get them to see- has been and will continue to be an exercise in futility.

But, they're family, and for now I would try to interact with them in healthy ways. But when it comes to who thinks what is best for an individual member of the clan, that's when I would excuse myself from the conversation or remove myself to a different location. Life is way too short to devote much time to one unhealthy person.

thequest

I should add when I mention 'inheritance' it's not a lot of money but there will a property and maybe, don't even know for sure some life insurance, some remaining money in their accounts. As a matter of fact the alkie/addict is probably the only one to hit a 6 figure salary in the family.

But affluenza absolutely does describe his mindset. He spent the bulk of his working career in supervisory or lower level management jobs(not executive). His last job was at a smaller local company so even in lower to mid level management he frequently was amongst or working with higher management on a more regular basis than someone in a big corporation. His attitude really changed from bad to worse when his company was bought out by a big national firm. Apparently they sent a really ambitious executive to that location which gave him dreams of more. He openly spoke of his attitude AND partying, he openly admitted to using politics or butt kissing so if the boss wanted to party and said here take some(does not excuse his personal choice to do so).

His attitude has been but even worse now is that of someone who must always be the alpha in a relationship, not just be right or unchallenged but literally be in charge at ALL times during the course of the day.

His "management" personality makes it easy for him to try to manipulate people frequently looking at others in daily life as his subordinate. If you are not rich, a ranking executive or own a million dollar business you are a know nothing failure in life.

Should also note that since he considers himself a 'professional manager' in waiting or waiting for the right/golden opportunity he will not apply for non management jobs that would be steady but less pay. They would be enough for public transportation or credit for a loan on a cheaper car.

SparkleKitty

Yes he sounds like someone to avoid, and to not let live rent-free in your head for another moment.

thequest

The frustrating thing is that he uses different people like a child who go to the other parent for a yes if one said no. This is a half century old man playing these games. So any effort on my part is frequently negated although sometime surprisingly others tell him which bounces him right back to someone else for a softer appeal-sometimes.

For rides as an example if you add up all the different rides people give him in a day people are driving sometimes 30-40 miles and then some. He tries to minimize it by saying so and so gave me a ride this morning. I'm trying to show people just by miles they drive for him how out of wack his lifestyle is. This the same lifestyle that cost him thousands in car repairs and the driving of several carS into the ground in less than 10 years.

I think enabling to hold on to a life style that caused many of his problems is just as bad as giving money or getting alcohol for him. I did convince some not to loan their car especially at night or late afternoon-this was progress because some were loaning at night and what was a supposed to be a 20 minute trip to store wound up being 2-3 hours. I told them it might be his license at stake but your insurance company will make you pay if he causes an accident and/or possibly drop you knowing a drunk driver has access to your vehicle.

Shouldn't changing one's lifestyle and/or friends & environment that perpetuated/enabled bad behavior be as important as avoiding the substances that are causing just as many problems?

SparkleKitty

Whether you are right in your thinking or not, my friend, you cannot control others. People have the right to make their own choices, and obsessing over whether or not they are making mistakes will only hold you back from making the most of YOUR life.

Hawkeye13

Sparkle is right--step back from this person and their enabling family.

You really cannot make an old dog learn new tricks if they are unwilling.
Especially if his family "rewards" his bad action by indirect support.

The man is fifty years old, and presumably intelligent enough to make wise choices
if so inclined.
Quite frankly, he doesn't sound at all inclined.
His choice, his life.
Your choice to stay enmeshed.
What's happening in your own life while you are so busy managing his?
It's hard, I know, but please work on taking better care of you. . .

SarahBear

Great post! It's sad to see someone lose themself in the process while putting too much time into taking care of someone else.