I need wisdom..hurting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 11
I need wisdom..hurting
He has done it again. And I am a walking zombie of sadness and physical, emotional pain.
A little background information.
My daughters father and I were together for two years for which he was sober. I met him when he was just a few months sober, however I have never used. We had a great two years and he was a great father to my daughter until he relapsed in November of 2013 (Opiates)
It has been a blur of nightmares since then. Rehabs, Detoxes, Jail, Homelessness. Not to mention he got a one night stand pregnant. And yes, everyone, I did forgive him and when he recently began to get serious about becoming a family and getting sober again, I stupidly took him back. He is about two months sober at this point, and we have been doing great. I have our daughter but we had been visiting and speaking on the phone and he would tell me how much he loved and missed me, even writing me letters that were pages long about how he wanted to get married and was so sorry for everything he had done.
Well, this past Monday I noticed something odd on his facebook so I asked him who this girl who was posting was. He went totally defensive and told me I was being crazy, so I decided to take a few days of no talking so I could think about what was going on. I asked him yesterday if he was talking to this woman. He simply responded, Yes, but i dont want that to effect me and you talking about ---- (our daughter). This girl apparently has a child of her own and is also in recovery, by the way.
I completely lost it. After three years of waiting, hoping, praying, hanging on. Giving him any emotional support he needed and forgiving him for all that he had done, knowing it was the sickness making him do it. He does this to me. OUT OF LEFT FIELD. I am so confused. I feel like I can't breathe. I am sobbing out of control, barely able to concentrate on my nursing school. I can't understand how he would choose her over someone who has been there through every step, jail, rehab, homeless, EVERYTHING. I WAS THERE. WHY?
Does he love her that much already that he can just cut me off?
I am so lost. Please someone, give me a reason an addict would do this, anything to make me feel the least bit better. I haven't eaten since yesterday and the pain is unbearable.
A little background information.
My daughters father and I were together for two years for which he was sober. I met him when he was just a few months sober, however I have never used. We had a great two years and he was a great father to my daughter until he relapsed in November of 2013 (Opiates)
It has been a blur of nightmares since then. Rehabs, Detoxes, Jail, Homelessness. Not to mention he got a one night stand pregnant. And yes, everyone, I did forgive him and when he recently began to get serious about becoming a family and getting sober again, I stupidly took him back. He is about two months sober at this point, and we have been doing great. I have our daughter but we had been visiting and speaking on the phone and he would tell me how much he loved and missed me, even writing me letters that were pages long about how he wanted to get married and was so sorry for everything he had done.
Well, this past Monday I noticed something odd on his facebook so I asked him who this girl who was posting was. He went totally defensive and told me I was being crazy, so I decided to take a few days of no talking so I could think about what was going on. I asked him yesterday if he was talking to this woman. He simply responded, Yes, but i dont want that to effect me and you talking about ---- (our daughter). This girl apparently has a child of her own and is also in recovery, by the way.
I completely lost it. After three years of waiting, hoping, praying, hanging on. Giving him any emotional support he needed and forgiving him for all that he had done, knowing it was the sickness making him do it. He does this to me. OUT OF LEFT FIELD. I am so confused. I feel like I can't breathe. I am sobbing out of control, barely able to concentrate on my nursing school. I can't understand how he would choose her over someone who has been there through every step, jail, rehab, homeless, EVERYTHING. I WAS THERE. WHY?
Does he love her that much already that he can just cut me off?
I am so lost. Please someone, give me a reason an addict would do this, anything to make me feel the least bit better. I haven't eaten since yesterday and the pain is unbearable.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm confused. You said she posted on his Facebook and he talks to her. Is there more to this story? What has you in such a state?
I have male friends who are married and whom I talk to, and believe me, the last thing I'm interested in is hooking up with anyone, much less a married guy. I'm not saying there isn't anything going on, just wondering what it is that makes you think there is.
I have male friends who are married and whom I talk to, and believe me, the last thing I'm interested in is hooking up with anyone, much less a married guy. I'm not saying there isn't anything going on, just wondering what it is that makes you think there is.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
AIG330...... understand how upset you must be....
To answer your question.....about one reason that an addict would do this.....
My response is that it is.........he does it because he IS AN ADDICT.....
Addiction is a disease of thinking, as much as it is a disease of drinking (or using)....
He sound like he is very immature.....and, goes for the easy "feel good"....anything that satisfies his ego.
Probably low self esteem and huge ego needs.
And, honey, you can't love him to a good self esteem.....it doesn't work that way..
I realize that this is small consolation to you, right now. The pain is so great at a time like this that it knocks one off their feet.....
I am so sorry for your pain.....I have been there myself......
dandylion
To answer your question.....about one reason that an addict would do this.....
My response is that it is.........he does it because he IS AN ADDICT.....
Addiction is a disease of thinking, as much as it is a disease of drinking (or using)....
He sound like he is very immature.....and, goes for the easy "feel good"....anything that satisfies his ego.
Probably low self esteem and huge ego needs.
And, honey, you can't love him to a good self esteem.....it doesn't work that way..
I realize that this is small consolation to you, right now. The pain is so great at a time like this that it knocks one off their feet.....
I am so sorry for your pain.....I have been there myself......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It doesn't sound like this man is capable of loving himself, much less this other woman, and sadly, not even you, not right now.
How about you though? You forgave him before for something worse than talking to another woman on Facebook. Is it different because he's been off drugs this time? What about you and what you deserve from a relationship? When I was beginning recovery from my codependent relationships, I had to take all of that energy and time I spent wondering why other people treated me so badly and start using that time and energy to figure out why I settled for it.
For what it's worth, it's one thing for an addict to stop using their drug of choice (and it sounds like he has many, including attention from the opposite sex), and quite another thing to be in recovery. Two months is very little time in the grand scope of things. It sounds like he's just switched one high for another. I know it is impossible to hear right now that this has nothing to do with you, but it doesn't. It doesn't have anything to do with her, either, it is strictly about feeding his addiction. I know it hurts terribly right now but the closer you come to accepting that, the sooner you will be free of the pain.
How about you though? You forgave him before for something worse than talking to another woman on Facebook. Is it different because he's been off drugs this time? What about you and what you deserve from a relationship? When I was beginning recovery from my codependent relationships, I had to take all of that energy and time I spent wondering why other people treated me so badly and start using that time and energy to figure out why I settled for it.
For what it's worth, it's one thing for an addict to stop using their drug of choice (and it sounds like he has many, including attention from the opposite sex), and quite another thing to be in recovery. Two months is very little time in the grand scope of things. It sounds like he's just switched one high for another. I know it is impossible to hear right now that this has nothing to do with you, but it doesn't. It doesn't have anything to do with her, either, it is strictly about feeding his addiction. I know it hurts terribly right now but the closer you come to accepting that, the sooner you will be free of the pain.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
If I interpret your post correctly, he's told you there's something going on with this girl and he wants to leave you for her, but doesn't want it to affect your relationship when you talk together about your daughter. You're naturally devastated, especially because things we going well up until then. Hope that's accurate.
Firstly, do you have a close friend or relative you can talk to? It will help you function again even if it doesn't take away the pain.
Is he still living with you? Now might be the time for you to ask him to leave, because it's got to be painful having him around.
Don't try to understand his motivations right now, because it might be nothing more than he was tempted. Addicts often lack impulse control and don't look beyond the next fix, whether it be drugs or relationships. Concentrate on yourself and your daughter and getting through the day; you can figure the rest out later.
Just remember, from his POV it's not about you. But you can still make your own decisions about how much you can put up with.
Firstly, do you have a close friend or relative you can talk to? It will help you function again even if it doesn't take away the pain.
Is he still living with you? Now might be the time for you to ask him to leave, because it's got to be painful having him around.
Don't try to understand his motivations right now, because it might be nothing more than he was tempted. Addicts often lack impulse control and don't look beyond the next fix, whether it be drugs or relationships. Concentrate on yourself and your daughter and getting through the day; you can figure the rest out later.
Just remember, from his POV it's not about you. But you can still make your own decisions about how much you can put up with.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
When I was beginning recovery from my codependent relationships, I had to take all of that energy and time I spent wondering why other people treated me so badly and start using that time and energy to figure out why I settled for it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Oh sweetie, his actions belong to him, you can't own his poor choices.
The big question remains, why are you accepting his unacceptable ways?
What you allow, is what will continue.
You deserve love, respect, truth, trust, and a partner who is 100% invested in a relationship.
I am so sorry that you are currently hurting.
The only way I know stop the hurt is to choose better for myself.
Can you imagine where you would be, if you took all the positive energy that you spent on helping him, and applied it to your own life?
You and your child deserve better.
The big question remains, why are you accepting his unacceptable ways?
What you allow, is what will continue.
You deserve love, respect, truth, trust, and a partner who is 100% invested in a relationship.
I am so sorry that you are currently hurting.
The only way I know stop the hurt is to choose better for myself.
Can you imagine where you would be, if you took all the positive energy that you spent on helping him, and applied it to your own life?
You and your child deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Hello. I'm sorry you're going through this. It doesn't sound like he is necessarily involved with this girl, but that aside, I think there is a saying "QTIP" or quit taking it personally, b/c what an addict does while using has no logic or rationale at all. There's nothing you did or didn't do that is making him act this way, it is his own disease. I know how hard it is to stay strong; I am dealing with a relapsing alcoholic husband myself and have a small child, and the hell it causes and the pain is hard to bear. It will get better at some point, and you'll be ok.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I'm so sorry...i can imagine how much that hurt. You have been through so much with him...for him. Sounds like he isn't very stable, or thoughtful, either. All about him. Hang in there...grieve, get mad, and protect yourself. I don't know that i could ever trust him, personally.
You deserve someone who can give you back the kind of love you give. I am thinking that in time you may see this as a blessing. Who needs more years of uncertainty?
sending a hug. Some times this happens, even in non-addicts. People are who they are, I think.
You deserve someone who can give you back the kind of love you give. I am thinking that in time you may see this as a blessing. Who needs more years of uncertainty?
sending a hug. Some times this happens, even in non-addicts. People are who they are, I think.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Yes, this disease destroys everything in its path...I agree with what the others have written..the addict doesn't think logically...it doesn't make sense...their brains don't work like non alcoholics...but it doesn't give them the right to do bad things...it sounds like you are a very caring and forgiving person and he is taking advantage of that. At least you did not marry him...hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Does he love her that much already that he can just cut me off?
I am sorry you are hurting, disappointed and angry.............but those are usually the things that involve loving an addict at some point in time. And those things usually repeat themselves time and again until you accept that - that is what addicts to.
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