seek

I thought this new forum was for friends and family - the other forums seem to be for partners. I can't divorce my relative . . . so it feels different . . .

I realized finally that the reason I don't resonate so much with Alanon or these boards (even though I want and need support) is because so much of what is shared is about "the problem" and I need to live more in "the solution."

I have studied Law of Attraction and have found that what I focus on expands - so even though I can tell a good sad story (and I have one right now), I would rather share what I can do in a positive vein.

I got a new counselor (distant, but great because he is an addiction's counselor) - Had my first session today. He gave me many tips about boundaries, etc. (call the police if someone shows up at my door - this is not easy for me and I'm not sure I can do it).

He told me to write a letter to my relative - specifying all of the things I have not been able to say - and then instead of burning it, send it to the counselor. I love this, because it gives me a voice and is also validating to have someone witness what I cannot say to the alcoholic (dangerous and futile).

I also have a rubber band on my wrist and am going to snap it when I start thinking about "the story."

He told me a story about a man who loved his bowling ball and how he took it swimming and when he was drowning how his family said to put it in their boat and he did, and it went right through the boat and they all sank.

Have a nice day!

irisgardens

great story and great work! I, too, like to focus on the positive...however, have found that in order to get through the not so positive stuff...have to do the work to confront it, walk through it and come out the other side to the sunny side of positive and always better (for me) as I have grown. It took me a long time to get that part.

seek

A bunch of people have looked at my post, but only one person commented. I am wondering about the lack of resonance - could it be that most people dealing with this problem are still identified with it - and maybe those who have found ways to rise above it are not attracted to these boards at all anymore (have moved on)?

I am just curious . . .

I would love for there to be a "place" for me to work on honing my skills in not being identified with the problem . . . but if no one else is resonating in that space, then I won't be able to do that - and it's okay - that's just the way it is.

I have been trying to put a square peg (me) into a round hole (conventional thinking about what helps).

I was hoping there might be a few here who have perhaps studied metaphysical ideas and practices - have tried Alanon and found it wasn't a fit - maybe do other things that have been help them to "uncodepend" themselves and get out of misery.

I am really motivated because I am old now and I really want and feel I deserve to have a good life and some fun without the drama of the alcoholic wreaking havoc.

Nothing I have done or have not done has helped him. I am far too identified with his plight and his drama and his misery (feel too empathetic for him and not enough for myself).

I know a lot of people can relate to that - it's just what I choose to do about it right now is not to complain about him (even though he is in drama and there is a lot I could say) - but find ways to deal with my own emotions, in new, healthy ways.

I am praying for protection from Archangel Michael and healing from Archangel Raphael . . . I am protecting my house and my space (saging and salt) - I am trying to take good care of myself (eating healthy, hydrating, massage) - I am trying to remember "we are all on our own spiritual paths" - I am trying to view his antics as a movie that I don't have to be drawn into . . .

Is there anyone here who would like to support each other in elevating above the drama?

I have created some "bottom line behaviors" for myself that I am trying not to do (because they draw me back in) - don't want to list those if I am just talking to people who can't relate.

It would be nice to have a couple of buddies for support so if anyone out there is searching for some positive ways to deal with this situation, it would be awesome.

Scott834

My wife is an alcoholic, currently in her first 30 days of rehab. My Dad was addicted to marijuana when I was growing up.
When I was 19 and going to college but still living at home, I found his stash and flushed it down the toilet. I was angry at all the pain his addiction had caused our family and wanted it to stop. It got ugly for a time but thankfully he stopped eventually. We have a great relationship now. I would have been sad to do it but I would have easily walked away.
My son is an alcoholic. Now that I kicked him out, his problems are his own. If he is ready to be sober, I will be there to help him. Until that time, he is a grown man and I will not be a part of his disease.
My wife was a much more difficult relationship to consider walking away from than my Dad or son. There were so many more legal issues that impact me as well as emotional ones.
I think it is different for my wife to let our son be his own man. I read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge and it affirmed how I felt about being a man so much plus introduced some fantastic concepts to me. My wife loved it and it helped her understand her relationship with her son more.
It sounds like you are really angry, I understand the anger. It has helped me to get it out. I can better focus on positives when I journal or talk about the things that are happening.

JD

Seek, you made a comment in the first sentence of your post, "I can't divorce a relative". Of course you can. Maybe not in the same legal sense you can a spouse. But certainly in the same psychological and space sense. You don't have to stay in the drama of a relative, spouse, friend, or anyone else. You have the choice to stay there or move on.

seek

Interesting responses. First, Scott834, thanks for the book recommendation. I am puzzled that I am coming across "really angry." Am not feeling angry. I do battle with resentment (the alcoholic for all of the chaos and this forum, for not being supportive, when it's supposed to be for relatives of alcoholics).

jd1639 - thanks for your comment about divorce . . . it's all about the bonding and emotional attachment for me - since this is a relative, I took care of him and was vested in his health and well-being, so it is especially hard to turn that off.

I am far too empathetic towards him, to my own detriment.

Today is not a good day - rumor has it he is in serious crisis . . . I struggle with my empathy and concern for his well-being and also feel guilty that I am comfortable, healthy and nice and warm when he is struggling and miserable.

JD

I see absolutely no difference between a spouse and a relative when it comes to detaching from addiction or any other issue. Don't you think you bond and have an emotional arrangement to a spouse just like you would with a relative? Spouses take care of each other and are vested in each other's health and well-being. It's no easier to turn that off than with a relative.

You can still have empathy without the emotional attachment to the drama an alcoholic can cause. You can still love them just as much without the financial investment you're putting in.

I know you seem to think there's a difference, but read the stories and responses in the friends and family of alcoholics forums. All of them are directly applicable to your situation.

seek

I don't wish to argue. I will just say from my own experience, that yes, you bond with everyone you love - and I have had experiences with alcoholic love interests (husbands and boyfriends) - it is different when you have NURTURED the person from infancy - cared for them, kept them clothed and warm, took care of them in childhood - soothed their hurts and nightmares - the bond of parenthood is much deeper than chosen - non-blood relationships. This is my experience - I have read that other parents, particularly mothers and grandmothers have had the same perception about the differences . . .

When you can view someone as "a grown man," and perhaps they have life skills and a job or whatever - then you can let them fend for themselves - if your parental response of caring is triggered, and the person is really sick and has no life skills or even a home, then it is much more difficult.

It's all difficult, but I divorced an alcoholic husband and found it relatively easy to detach.

This is much, much harder.

Scott834

I see how tough my son's addiction is on my wife. You are not wrong about a bond between a mother and a child being great, particularly a son.
I find that my wife "helping" my son was more damaging than helping. It is a nuance but it is important for a boy, young man or a man to feel as though they "have what it takes" to do whatever that thing is. When she would help him with words of encouragement, it was my sweet boy. He is 23. He is a man, to call him sweet or a boy implies that he doesn't have what it takes to be a man. She offered to do so many things for him, make appointments, handle issues, etc. She was trying to help but it told him that she didn't think he was capable of these basic tasks. I talked to her about it. She read Wild at Heart. I coached her with words that gave him power, that relayed to him that he does have what it takes. She started doing it and saw an immediate improvement in their relationship and his behavior. It isn't fixed 100%, but it is improved. He would also text her with negative tyraids about himself and life. She was always rushing to rescue her sweet boy. I learned in my search for peace that she should merely respond with kind words and a simple statement, "that's a tough situation, what are you going to do about it?" She has started to do this and he has increasingly taken responsibility for himself and decreased the frequency of the negative talk.
I encourage you to explore these concepts. Men are different than women but oh so simple.

JD

OK, I get that detachment of a mother from a child is very difficult. But the process, the tools, and the need are the same. And the need for both parties is what's most important.

seek

Yes, if I get the chance I will try some of your suggestions. I believe they are very wise.

My relative is in severe crisis at the moment.

seek

Yes. Detachment is important for both parties. Agree on that. Just have to find a way to take care of myself when he is in crisis.

Anaya

Seek: As a parent, I can relate to the pain you're feeling and walking through. It sounds as though meeting with and considering suggestions of the counselor are helpful and that is good! What you shared about the rubber band - it's been a useful method to help me redirect my thoughts when I catch myself ruminating.

Well said and thanks for sharing. Reading through your entire post, I do appreciate what you share, your points and insight. I identify with your family, as there are similarities in your family's experiences to that of my son, husband, and me. He's 24 and moved from our home roughly 18 months ago. It is so much easier to commit to staying on my side of the street and working on my own recovery (codependency issues) now that our home is no longer his refuge, no longer a battleground; no more enabling, and he makes decisions and lives with the consequences in his own space. As for me, I consciously continue to work on my issues - at times, it's that one step ahead and two steps behind dance with me.

odaat13

my therapist also specializes in addiction! one of the best decisions i made for myself...
i will have to think about that bowling story more....