New to site- Just need some support - The x
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New to site- Just need some support - The x
My ex-partner is in recovery, we have only literally 3 days ago broken up. I guess I've come on here to try and gain some understanding and support, I feel angry at myself for it coming to this but I know that it is the best for me, and him in the long run.
To bring you up to speed we have been together for 4 years not a lifetime, but we had previously been with each other when we were younger and its hard to explain when you just love someone. I knew years ago his liking for alcohol and i guess recently i was just not willing to accept how much he did depend on this and other substances. We moved in to a new house, with plans and views to a happy future together back in May and I was happy, he appeared to all to be happy as well, this however has come to light to be the biggest lie of all, my world and beliefs or should i say my ignorance began to lift very quickly. And then in July it all came crashing down he disappeared one night and then i received a call at 5am in the morning from him saying he had swam out to sea to kill himself then decided not to, swam back and he laughed.. how could he laugh.. i was shocked and distraught. When returning he frankly admitted he had a problem and could continue no longer or he would top himself. I supported him and he went to get help, I now realize he had at this point not truly admitted to himself the problem he had. All was fine for a month we argued but over silly things but i put this down to the no drink and substances and then it spiraled, In all our time together I had never seen him or had him treat me with such disrespect and dishonesty, he disappeared for nights on end. Would return and buzz round our house I could see in his eyes the need to be as far away from me as possible, being home was hell to him and then one day he decided to leave but he did not just leave he repeatedly came back randomly proclaiming he was in recovery and this was the best for me, when it was clear to see he was worse then ever. It finally reached crisis point and he disappeared from the area we live in, I felt abandoned and hurt and i was weak, i jumped at every call he made, i did anything he wanted and i finally agreed to go meet him where he was staying. I was shocked when I seen him, the man i loved he wasn't there anymore, I went to leave but i guess i just was not willing to give up hope and he talked me into staying a night, this resulted in him returning home with me the next day.
This brings us to the past 4 weeks, he came back and threw himself into meetings, counselling and recovery. I feel like a fool now, for allowing myself to be happy at this point in time, but things appeared to be settling, the gap between us was closing we were talking, he was glowing not using or drinking. I know I couldn't fight the addiction for him but I wanted to support him, I was stupid.
Then it all changed again, only last Friday he had said how proud he was of us both, and that we had the future ahead of us, no looking back and now I am sat on a camp bed surrounded by my stuff in a friends. The Saturday after the proud moment, he admitted he had been texting another girl, this hit me hard, how could he after all i had stood by him through, he then continued to tell me that our relationship was not working, but he was willing to try that the only certainty he had was i was his best friend and he loved me, that he was scared but we had been through to much just to give up on.The whole time he did not once give me the opportunity to voice my hurt and betrayal from this, I fell for it like a sucker. He then did not sleep that night and did everything within his power to make me unhappy, he was rude, he was angry at me, he was disgusting towards me, he sulked he refused to come to bed with me Sunday night, so i ignored him, he finally crawled into bed early hours and whispered he would always be there for me. My heart wanted to believe this it really did, by Monday as much as i dont want to admit it i know now he has not been there for me for a long time. I packed my bags and left... I am heartbroken i cannot lie.. I do feel hurt.. since then he has told me he used me, he has never been in love with me..that he is an addict and that he does not love himself so he could of never loved me and it has turned nasty.. he changed the locks to our house.... would not let me get any more stuff, this has resulted in me breaking in and clearing everything i own, he cannot speak to me like an adult and i hate myself for sitting here and missing him, I hate myself for putting myself in that position.. and worst of all.. wrapped up in this horrible mess is my little lad.. i have shielded him from well all most all of it.. but it was his home to and i know i have to be strong for him and put myself and him first... but i cant take away the feeling of just wanting him back. I know it is early days, and this will get easier but i guess i am on here to gain some support, speak to people who know what I'm going through.. I cant quite accept that the whole of our relationship and his with my son has been a sham as he is saying?
Last christmas we were talking of marriage, has it all been a lie??
To bring you up to speed we have been together for 4 years not a lifetime, but we had previously been with each other when we were younger and its hard to explain when you just love someone. I knew years ago his liking for alcohol and i guess recently i was just not willing to accept how much he did depend on this and other substances. We moved in to a new house, with plans and views to a happy future together back in May and I was happy, he appeared to all to be happy as well, this however has come to light to be the biggest lie of all, my world and beliefs or should i say my ignorance began to lift very quickly. And then in July it all came crashing down he disappeared one night and then i received a call at 5am in the morning from him saying he had swam out to sea to kill himself then decided not to, swam back and he laughed.. how could he laugh.. i was shocked and distraught. When returning he frankly admitted he had a problem and could continue no longer or he would top himself. I supported him and he went to get help, I now realize he had at this point not truly admitted to himself the problem he had. All was fine for a month we argued but over silly things but i put this down to the no drink and substances and then it spiraled, In all our time together I had never seen him or had him treat me with such disrespect and dishonesty, he disappeared for nights on end. Would return and buzz round our house I could see in his eyes the need to be as far away from me as possible, being home was hell to him and then one day he decided to leave but he did not just leave he repeatedly came back randomly proclaiming he was in recovery and this was the best for me, when it was clear to see he was worse then ever. It finally reached crisis point and he disappeared from the area we live in, I felt abandoned and hurt and i was weak, i jumped at every call he made, i did anything he wanted and i finally agreed to go meet him where he was staying. I was shocked when I seen him, the man i loved he wasn't there anymore, I went to leave but i guess i just was not willing to give up hope and he talked me into staying a night, this resulted in him returning home with me the next day.
This brings us to the past 4 weeks, he came back and threw himself into meetings, counselling and recovery. I feel like a fool now, for allowing myself to be happy at this point in time, but things appeared to be settling, the gap between us was closing we were talking, he was glowing not using or drinking. I know I couldn't fight the addiction for him but I wanted to support him, I was stupid.
Then it all changed again, only last Friday he had said how proud he was of us both, and that we had the future ahead of us, no looking back and now I am sat on a camp bed surrounded by my stuff in a friends. The Saturday after the proud moment, he admitted he had been texting another girl, this hit me hard, how could he after all i had stood by him through, he then continued to tell me that our relationship was not working, but he was willing to try that the only certainty he had was i was his best friend and he loved me, that he was scared but we had been through to much just to give up on.The whole time he did not once give me the opportunity to voice my hurt and betrayal from this, I fell for it like a sucker. He then did not sleep that night and did everything within his power to make me unhappy, he was rude, he was angry at me, he was disgusting towards me, he sulked he refused to come to bed with me Sunday night, so i ignored him, he finally crawled into bed early hours and whispered he would always be there for me. My heart wanted to believe this it really did, by Monday as much as i dont want to admit it i know now he has not been there for me for a long time. I packed my bags and left... I am heartbroken i cannot lie.. I do feel hurt.. since then he has told me he used me, he has never been in love with me..that he is an addict and that he does not love himself so he could of never loved me and it has turned nasty.. he changed the locks to our house.... would not let me get any more stuff, this has resulted in me breaking in and clearing everything i own, he cannot speak to me like an adult and i hate myself for sitting here and missing him, I hate myself for putting myself in that position.. and worst of all.. wrapped up in this horrible mess is my little lad.. i have shielded him from well all most all of it.. but it was his home to and i know i have to be strong for him and put myself and him first... but i cant take away the feeling of just wanting him back. I know it is early days, and this will get easier but i guess i am on here to gain some support, speak to people who know what I'm going through.. I cant quite accept that the whole of our relationship and his with my son has been a sham as he is saying?
Last christmas we were talking of marriage, has it all been a lie??
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
First of all, welcome, Jac88. 
I hope you'll find as I have that there are many supportive people and there's very helpful information at this site!
I know it is hard to move on. Your awareness that the well being of you and your son are your first priority is good insight.
Finding out about and working a program is one suggestion. SR is a good place to start.
Check out the sticky posts at the top of this and the F&F of Substance Abusers forum.
I hope you'll find as I have that there are many supportive people and there's very helpful information at this site!
Originally Posted by Jac88 
I hate myself for putting myself in that position.. and worst of all.. wrapped up in this horrible mess is my little lad.. i have shielded him from well all most all of it.. but it was his home to and i know i have to be strong for him and put myself and him first... but i cant take away the feeling of just wanting him back. I know it is early days, and this will get easier but i guess i am on here to gain some support, speak to people who know what I'm going through.. I cant quite accept that the whole of our relationship and his with my son has been a sham as he is saying?
Finding out about and working a program is one suggestion. SR is a good place to start.
Check out the sticky posts at the top of this and the F&F of Substance Abusers forum.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 36
Thanks Anaya, I spent a lot of time last night reading listening to others and trying to educate myself with addiction, codependency and enabling and it has been uplifting. It is nice to finally feel not alone, I cannot lie I did beg him to let me back, I do not regret it, I am hurt very hurt. Today put the nail in the coffin though, he went into a mates workplace which happens to be a pub and was slagging me of, she's left I'm glad to be rid of her I wash my hands of her, I'm single and happy blah blah blah. This hurt oh it hurts, he knew it would get back to me. I fought the urge to contact him, I am still now. And after what I eventually admitted to myself last night, I want to work a program, I want to live and learn and take my future as my own and make the most of it. It's my life, and I deserve better.
I know I am going to have tough days as it is so recent, and I want to cry now writing this. But I have to let go.
I know I am going to have tough days as it is so recent, and I want to cry now writing this. But I have to let go.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 34
Hi Jac88! Welcome! That sounds like a pretty terrible situation. Do you know what kind of drugs he was doing along with drinking? Or was it just/mostly alcohol? It always helps to know what you're dealing with.
Also, as sad as the situation is, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. It is terrible that he did that to you, and it is terrible that he is doing this to himself. But as Anaya said, you've got your priorities straight. Take care of yourself, your son, learn about addiction and yourself. Get out, get away, and let the pain pass. You will be okay, you're on the right path :-)
Also, as sad as the situation is, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. It is terrible that he did that to you, and it is terrible that he is doing this to himself. But as Anaya said, you've got your priorities straight. Take care of yourself, your son, learn about addiction and yourself. Get out, get away, and let the pain pass. You will be okay, you're on the right path :-)
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Hi guys thank you for the support and advice, I have been continuing the debate on a different forum, but he was taking cocaine with alcohol, since I wrote this he changed the locks, has completely blanked me till today in which he announced he was scared if he saw me, that the right thing is sometimes the hardest and that he truly wants to be friends in the future.. I have confirmed on a new house so move on the 27th and I am just praying and hoping somewhere in there in a roundabout he is doing this because he cares. I am looking forward though and I can only hope he puts full commitment into recovery, as much as it hurts as I do love him I have to move forward.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I hear my past in your words. All the things I needed to believe. He was so good at knowing just how much to promise to keep me available.
If I had a dollar for each line ... and yes, we have all said it "he's different than other addicts", but they were just words. In the end. I need to believe he loved me but addicts are incapable of having meaningful and committed relationships. They already have one ... with drugs/alcohol. We are second. Or third .....
My ABF is gone. I have no choice but to keep going forward, and for that I am grateful. Not about his passing, but because he was tired of the chase. He no longer fights this demon.
I can say that when I decided that I'd had enough, my whole world changed. I finally had the strength to KNOW that I couldn't do it one more day. I wish you strength. And knowing that you and your child deserve something wonderful and loving. Someone who is capable of sharing his whole world with you.
If I had a dollar for each line ... and yes, we have all said it "he's different than other addicts", but they were just words. In the end. I need to believe he loved me but addicts are incapable of having meaningful and committed relationships. They already have one ... with drugs/alcohol. We are second. Or third .....
My ABF is gone. I have no choice but to keep going forward, and for that I am grateful. Not about his passing, but because he was tired of the chase. He no longer fights this demon.
I can say that when I decided that I'd had enough, my whole world changed. I finally had the strength to KNOW that I couldn't do it one more day. I wish you strength. And knowing that you and your child deserve something wonderful and loving. Someone who is capable of sharing his whole world with you.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I'm having a hard day today, I have been flying high all weekend bought some new bits for the new house, my lad had a great game at football, I've seen friends and then it hit me like a spade to the face.. 5am this morning my boy is up throwing up crying I want XABF I want to go home... is it selfish that I want him to realise how much this hurting me and my lad.. I am vindictive for thinking I hope he is hurting as much as we are.. I know I will never understand fully.. but it hurts how he can just forget about us so quickly and just like that.. I know today is just a bad day and I am trying not to dwell.. I just feel so sad he would choose not to have us in his life, I am angry at myself for feeling like we weren't good enough for him now he's sober, I know we are amazing, me and my lad we are a team, Am i wrong? am I wired wrong for believing that i can will and have got a good future in front of me..
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Originally Posted by Jac88
Am i wrong? am I wired wrong for believing that i can will and have got a good future in front of me..
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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since then he has told me he used me, he has never been in love with me..that he is an addict and that he does not love himself so he could of never loved me
As an addict this may be the truest thing he has said to you.
I'm sorry for the horrible pain you are enduring because of his choices. I've been there, too. Finally I woke up and started realizing the truth of AH's behavior, not the lies he fed me. It hurt like hell, but I was able to escape and build a new life. I hope you can do the same.
As an addict this may be the truest thing he has said to you.
I'm sorry for the horrible pain you are enduring because of his choices. I've been there, too. Finally I woke up and started realizing the truth of AH's behavior, not the lies he fed me. It hurt like hell, but I was able to escape and build a new life. I hope you can do the same.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Yea it does suck... Found out today he actually full blown cheated on me... I did lose it admittedly all he could reply was please stop. No remorse no sorry nothing nail in the coffin moment... I had a good day at work though and a nice long drive singalong/cry drive but I'm getting there... Hard thing to not let it affect you after being lied to, used, thrown out the home you have paid for, ignored, and completely disregarded now he's better working and driving around... It's all so inhuman to me I couldn't imagine treating someone like this..
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Glad for the good day at work and nice long drive singalong/cry drive--on the losing it--you can forgive yourself and take each littlle piece as a way to move forward. It is all hard...everything you say and even more...I can't imagine treating anyone lik that either, but it is amazing how many peoplle do it (& not just addicts either). Good for you; keep on taking your steps!
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