lonelynn

I can relate...how'd you do with it, Now?

Soberwolf

Are you going meetings I can't stress how important reaching out is Now always reach out bud

NOWisNOW

...soes it's been two whole years since logging in but something intuitively said post today, almost 6 months from the last time i used substance(s) or chose sexually acting out. Also maybe only 3 or 4 times total during spring 2017, not for 'a pat on the back' or bragging rights but genuine reflection on how lost i felt then verses the quality of day to day life now.
It's still honestly one day at a time and for all i know will always be,
i'm good with that
Peace

Rainwater123

Congrats man for being in your current situation. I read your whole thread and it definitely hit home and I could absolutely relate to the Jekyl/Hyde and Good/Evil that exists within our presence. Even if you do slip up it’s okay, it’s not going to define you or make you into something you are not. It’s about the journey, the whole journey. There will be good days and difficult days. I truly hope you are well. It’s not the year you are born or the year you pass on. But the life lived in between.

NOWisNOW

i've managed a genuine solid six months completely sober, a year ago the day before Thanksgiving giving my dad literally cornered as i was leaving to go get drugs saying 'please just don't come back...' Yesterday we celebrated an awesome day together with a road trip and sharing a great meal, my girlfriend of 9 months joined us and there was no way i couldn't help and reflect on these incredible changes. Yes thoughts of using and everything that goes along with it still happen 2 or 3 times a month but somehow i still 'cut myself off at the pass' and find myself truly relieved the next day...

teatreeoil007

Awesome news, NOW. I'm glad you had a good holiday!

Dee74

'grats on 6 months NOWisNOW

D

NOWisNOW

got high last night
excuses or reasons yup i got a bunch
mainly punching on this stupid smart phone in vain hope that it'll lead to something to fill the emptiness
whatever

NOWisNOW

of course drug dealers return our calls because of their monetary investment, when i contacted mine after nearly 7 months absence he discouraged me at 1st saying surely i was ready to move on (he's 10 years older than me and sober almost 3) he didn't bat an eye when i returned later for more tho...
what are my thoughts now, well this could be just a glitch in a long term recovery or me giving up
the drugs still did what they do, only temporarily
i'm confused, somehow life doesn't seem to be enough in and of itself...

Dee74

Hi Now is Now

I had to play the long game - I gave nearly 30 years to drugs or booze - it really wouldn't have been fair to give less than a yer to sobriety/clean time.

I found it took time for me to moive on from old ideas and to build a sober life I loved.

If you leave before the miracle happens, you'll never know what the moracle can be like, y'know?

What else were you doing those 7 months besides staying clean?

D

NOWisNOW

thx for the response Dee...
actually i been working the best job of my life, sharing the most honest loving romantic relationship one could experience and playing a lot of music socially...
yeah kinda paradoxical to spontaneously just go use until literally incapacitation.
i'm back at work today 'the next right thing'
but am going to sort this out

NOWisNOW

well if finally happened, a binge of epic proportion... disappeared in the middle of the night and spend almost 24 hours in the hood with a crack pipe and went thru most likely more than a week's pay *too chickensh*t to do the math* hidden in your car behind the drug dealer's house... the same guy who'd pretty much refused to sell to you at 1st upon showing up well over 6 months clean he literally said he didn't want to be responsible for someone's demise. Of course you persevered and money will get us whatever we want. Locked in the the car almost 20 hours your girlfriend finally managed to get you to respond and somehow she got thru the psychosis and convinced you to drive damn near blind through the busiest part of town to her place. Yeah her son saw the ridiculous mess you were in *he didn't like you anyway but now it'd be more like hate...* she managed to bath you and put you to bed, snuggled next to your scalding hot trembling corpse with wet rags trying to keep you from lapsing into a seizure or worse eventually daylight came and she had to make the decision she could trust you while she went to work luckily you were beyond incapacitated from exhaustion and dope sick, just you alone again luckily the was glad to have company... almost 15 hours of sleep and you were 'ready to go face the music' at your father's place, his voice mail referring to your disappearance as an early Christmas present... 7 months clean throw away to ultimately spend a day trapped inside your car with nowhere to go... an empty hollow existence that you've know so well so many times before lost in your own mind, made a phone call to the ex fiancée on the way to dad's yeah she's a full time prostitute again for her own addiction, 4 years ago she and you lived a completely normal only to decend into animalistic drug abuse, 2 1/2 years you've tried to stop these horrible things from happening again and again... what the point of this letter ? Well quite simply your are wasting your life on something that's unrealistic HAPPINESS AND DRUGS ARE NOT MUTUALLY CONDUCIVE
now what ?
you tell me...

doggonecarl

One taste...one relapse...leading to this. You might as well go back to your first post to this thread. That's where you are.

You extracted yourself from that. Here's hoping you can do it again.