Feel like my mind is being hijacked - can't seem to stay sober
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 193
Feel like my mind is being hijacked - can't seem to stay sober
So I drank again, on day 8. 
It's time for me to change something! I have many skills, but when it comes to relapsing, it's my mind that is hijacked. My mind is where all my skills are stored, so if my mind is hijacked, then the skills don't seem to matter. I can want to be sober, but then my mind is hijacked, and then my mind changes and I start to think that I don't want to be sober... almost like another person takes over my mind. Suddenly, reality is different and I don't think or feel the same things anymore.
I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Yesterday all day, I was doing well. I knew everything terrible about drinking, I was determined not to drink, and then....suddenly everything was different....suddenly none of that mattered and actually, I wanted to drink more than any reason not to drink. Suddenly in that moment, my priorities changed and my reasons all disappeared or didn't matter, and it was almost like I was another person.
How in the world do I change my mind being hijacked? It's like a possession. The only thing I can think is that something outside of my self has to be there, put into place, in the case that this happens.
Actually there are several things outside of myself like this. People, community supports, sponsor or a person like a sponsor, environment.
I know that when my roommates come back, I have to talk to them and tell them how serious I am about quitting (they leave alcohol sitting around all the time). I have told people in my life that I quit for good, but then given my track record, I think they just don't believe me... so they don't think I'm serious. Especially if I have a relapse, they just think it's me changing my mind. And in a way, I guess it was me changing my mind - in that moment!! That's what this thread is about... I don't WANT to change my mind!!!
I want to quit forever!!! Actually I don't want to - the AV says I don't want to - the rational part of me (and the part of me that values my life) says that I MUST and that nothing good comes out of drinking.
But another part of me says that to not feel that good, to be sober and have those moments where I feel so terrible, well.....that horrible feeling I feel is no good, unacceptable, and that I cannot live that way. That I cannot bear those feelings. That it's a horrible life if I have to feel that bad. I cannot live completely sober because when those bad moments come, I cannot feel that badly because... life would be tortuous....and.... meaningless, and.... annndd... (I'm just trying to think this out here)....when I have felt that bad in the past, it has meant that someone is hurting me....that damage is being done...that I am not valuable or worthy of love and that I a alone and everyone hates me and life is soul crushing and I don't deserve anything good.... and so I guess I am drinking to feel good, to replicate that "love" that I was trying to feel my whole life.
If I feel good like that, it means that finally I am lovable and worthy and life can actually be enjoyed and be worthwhile and that there is hope.
I realise this is backwards. But, this is what my mind has fused together - has fused those feelings with certain thoughts - so I need to change this somehow. Because sometimes, something just comes over me like I'm in a trance and suddenly nothing matters - suddenly I feel like I DO want to drinking and I am WILLING to put up with the consequences because it is not worth it to feels so bad when I am sober.... that I cannot bear it because that means I will always feel kind of bad and life will be grey and meaningless and that horrible feeling seems to span out forever into the future....hollow and empty, like no one loves me
It's like in that moment when I finally decide to drink, I have been in hell for so long and without my loved ones, but then - I catch a glimpse of all my lvoed onese - they are right there!!! And all I have to do.....is reach out....and touch them....hug them..... and then I know that they will vanish after awhile. But it's like my instincts for love kick in in that moment, and I don't care that they will disappear after awhile because in that moment, I feel their presence and it seems worth it.
So, am I just paying the price each time I drink, because I feel like the price of being sober would actually be more costly!? Like I actually believe there is more pain in being sober than in being an alcoholic?? Because I am aware of all of the negative consequences of drinking - I do not want ANY of them in my life.
But that feeling.... that feeling I feel when I drink.... do I honestly want that feeling so much that I will throw away all of my values and any chance I have at a good life, because of that one feeling? Or is that I don't feel I will ever truly have a good life, so that is why this feeling seems so good - because even for a brief moment I can feel all those things I don't truly believe I can feel with a sober life???
Sorry for my long musings. I'm just trying to understand why it is that I am not staying sober. There must be a lot going on in my subconscious mind... there must be beliefs I have about drinking and not drinking.
Why am I so desparate for that feeling that I give up sobriety? I must truly feel that the alternative - the sober life - cannot possibly give me something satisfying enough that I can handle the pain of life? Do I honestly think that it's not possible, that I cannot handle life in the sober way???
Hmmmmm........
It's time for me to change something! I have many skills, but when it comes to relapsing, it's my mind that is hijacked. My mind is where all my skills are stored, so if my mind is hijacked, then the skills don't seem to matter. I can want to be sober, but then my mind is hijacked, and then my mind changes and I start to think that I don't want to be sober... almost like another person takes over my mind. Suddenly, reality is different and I don't think or feel the same things anymore.
I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Yesterday all day, I was doing well. I knew everything terrible about drinking, I was determined not to drink, and then....suddenly everything was different....suddenly none of that mattered and actually, I wanted to drink more than any reason not to drink. Suddenly in that moment, my priorities changed and my reasons all disappeared or didn't matter, and it was almost like I was another person.
How in the world do I change my mind being hijacked? It's like a possession. The only thing I can think is that something outside of my self has to be there, put into place, in the case that this happens.
Actually there are several things outside of myself like this. People, community supports, sponsor or a person like a sponsor, environment.
I know that when my roommates come back, I have to talk to them and tell them how serious I am about quitting (they leave alcohol sitting around all the time). I have told people in my life that I quit for good, but then given my track record, I think they just don't believe me... so they don't think I'm serious. Especially if I have a relapse, they just think it's me changing my mind. And in a way, I guess it was me changing my mind - in that moment!! That's what this thread is about... I don't WANT to change my mind!!!
I want to quit forever!!! Actually I don't want to - the AV says I don't want to - the rational part of me (and the part of me that values my life) says that I MUST and that nothing good comes out of drinking.
But another part of me says that to not feel that good, to be sober and have those moments where I feel so terrible, well.....that horrible feeling I feel is no good, unacceptable, and that I cannot live that way. That I cannot bear those feelings. That it's a horrible life if I have to feel that bad. I cannot live completely sober because when those bad moments come, I cannot feel that badly because... life would be tortuous....and.... meaningless, and.... annndd... (I'm just trying to think this out here)....when I have felt that bad in the past, it has meant that someone is hurting me....that damage is being done...that I am not valuable or worthy of love and that I a alone and everyone hates me and life is soul crushing and I don't deserve anything good.... and so I guess I am drinking to feel good, to replicate that "love" that I was trying to feel my whole life.
If I feel good like that, it means that finally I am lovable and worthy and life can actually be enjoyed and be worthwhile and that there is hope.
I realise this is backwards. But, this is what my mind has fused together - has fused those feelings with certain thoughts - so I need to change this somehow. Because sometimes, something just comes over me like I'm in a trance and suddenly nothing matters - suddenly I feel like I DO want to drinking and I am WILLING to put up with the consequences because it is not worth it to feels so bad when I am sober.... that I cannot bear it because that means I will always feel kind of bad and life will be grey and meaningless and that horrible feeling seems to span out forever into the future....hollow and empty, like no one loves me
It's like in that moment when I finally decide to drink, I have been in hell for so long and without my loved ones, but then - I catch a glimpse of all my lvoed onese - they are right there!!! And all I have to do.....is reach out....and touch them....hug them..... and then I know that they will vanish after awhile. But it's like my instincts for love kick in in that moment, and I don't care that they will disappear after awhile because in that moment, I feel their presence and it seems worth it.
So, am I just paying the price each time I drink, because I feel like the price of being sober would actually be more costly!? Like I actually believe there is more pain in being sober than in being an alcoholic?? Because I am aware of all of the negative consequences of drinking - I do not want ANY of them in my life.
But that feeling.... that feeling I feel when I drink.... do I honestly want that feeling so much that I will throw away all of my values and any chance I have at a good life, because of that one feeling? Or is that I don't feel I will ever truly have a good life, so that is why this feeling seems so good - because even for a brief moment I can feel all those things I don't truly believe I can feel with a sober life???
Sorry for my long musings. I'm just trying to understand why it is that I am not staying sober. There must be a lot going on in my subconscious mind... there must be beliefs I have about drinking and not drinking.
Why am I so desparate for that feeling that I give up sobriety? I must truly feel that the alternative - the sober life - cannot possibly give me something satisfying enough that I can handle the pain of life? Do I honestly think that it's not possible, that I cannot handle life in the sober way???
Hmmmmm........
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Boy. That is one of the best posts I've seen written by an Addiction in a while.
So. Day Nine/Day One Again. What does that look like?
Until and unless you make the decision, you'll continue to live in this misery.
When I was done, I meant it. Did I desperately want a drink at times in the first couple weeks? Yes. Did I continue to think about it for many months afterwards? Yes.
But, I don't drink.
So. Day Nine/Day One Again. What does that look like?
Until and unless you make the decision, you'll continue to live in this misery.
When I was done, I meant it. Did I desperately want a drink at times in the first couple weeks? Yes. Did I continue to think about it for many months afterwards? Yes.
But, I don't drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
your mind isn't being hijacked.... it's just being given way too much control.
We alcoholics and addicts can think our way back to our booze or drugs every single time when we think-think-think-think-think...
Let your AV start playing mind games with the thinking mind and the next thing you know you're hungover.
You might just need to let go of all the thinking and get back to the simple;
Don't Drink
Find alternative activities to drinking
Create new habits by changing your patterns
Reach out for supportive community (here, AA, etc)
Get support for developing new responses to emotions and triggers (therapy / counseling)
Get active - exercise and time outdoors are great
Throw out the why, toss aside the reasoning, never mind the thinking thinking thinking..... get yourself refocused on ACTION.
I remember countless times that I swore I wouldn't drink... told myself I won't drink.... made it all day without drinking. Then with a big "F-it!!!" I drove to the liquor store even as I said out loud to myself "What are you DOING?? DON'T DO THIS!!" and then "F-It!!!! I can not drink tomorrow"..... pouring it down my throat even as I watched myself in horror thinking "Ugh... NO!!".
It's because you're addicted and you need to take action to change the patterns and take ACTION to change the habits and you need support and firm choice that you are going to choose SOBRIETY.
We alcoholics and addicts can think our way back to our booze or drugs every single time when we think-think-think-think-think...
Let your AV start playing mind games with the thinking mind and the next thing you know you're hungover.
You might just need to let go of all the thinking and get back to the simple;
Don't Drink
Find alternative activities to drinking
Create new habits by changing your patterns
Reach out for supportive community (here, AA, etc)
Get support for developing new responses to emotions and triggers (therapy / counseling)
Get active - exercise and time outdoors are great
Throw out the why, toss aside the reasoning, never mind the thinking thinking thinking..... get yourself refocused on ACTION.
I remember countless times that I swore I wouldn't drink... told myself I won't drink.... made it all day without drinking. Then with a big "F-it!!!" I drove to the liquor store even as I said out loud to myself "What are you DOING?? DON'T DO THIS!!" and then "F-It!!!! I can not drink tomorrow"..... pouring it down my throat even as I watched myself in horror thinking "Ugh... NO!!".
It's because you're addicted and you need to take action to change the patterns and take ACTION to change the habits and you need support and firm choice that you are going to choose SOBRIETY.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Layali 
I start to think that I don't want to be sober... almost like another person takes over my mind. Suddenly, reality is different and I don't think or feel the same things anymore.
The person that quits and the person that drinks is the same. Avoiding that first drink is within your control.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by least
In order to stay sober, you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.
Like in this moment? I don't want that feeling more than anything. But when the urge comes over me, suddenly I feel as though that feeling is all that I want, and nothing else is important - just that feeling. So...I don't know how to change that, in the moment. When I feel that urge, I start to feel like I can't live without that feeling...but yet in this moment, I don't feel that way. But in the moment just before a drink, I suddenly feel like that feeling of drinking is the most important thing. My mind suddenly flips, and I start thinking things totally different to what I feel now.... so that's why it feels like I'm being "hijacked"
So anyway. I guess I'm screwed. Because I can't imagine this changing....hitting "rock bottom". What if I lose everything except my life.... and then the urge comes over me and my mind still suddenly decides that that feeling is more important than anything??? I'm guessing I'm screwed, and I'll die from this. Whatever. This sucks.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I've said this before in these forums.
That moment between a thought and an action?
That is the moment where recovery happens.
You are not unique. We all have that problem once we have become a slave to alcohol or drugs. It is the primitive/animal brain screaming for relief. We made it past that and you can too. If you don't pick up the drink, it can't go in your mouth. It's that first drink you have to avoid. Don't touch it.
That moment between a thought and an action?
That is the moment where recovery happens.
You are not unique. We all have that problem once we have become a slave to alcohol or drugs. It is the primitive/animal brain screaming for relief. We made it past that and you can too. If you don't pick up the drink, it can't go in your mouth. It's that first drink you have to avoid. Don't touch it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I've said this before in these forums.
That moment between a thought and an action?
That is the moment where recovery happens.
You are not unique. We all have that problem once we have become a slave to alcohol or drugs. It is the primitive brain screaming for relief. We made it past that and you can too.
That moment between a thought and an action?
That is the moment where recovery happens.
You are not unique. We all have that problem once we have become a slave to alcohol or drugs. It is the primitive brain screaming for relief. We made it past that and you can too.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Acceptance is a good place to start build a plan when you get urges or cravings come here instead no one has a gun to your head telling you to drink
Will it be uncomfortable at first - of course but as the days & weeks go on youl learn tools to help keep you sober
I was one who actually did nearly die firefighters broke in and got me to safety I've paid the price with heavy burn welted scars
got ct scanned for wet brain had 4 Dr's around me they didn't want to scare me but yeah it was life or death I'm not playing when I say that
Do yourself a massive favour build a sobriety plan tonight start journalling do whatever just do not drink take it off the menu
it's your life
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Will it be uncomfortable at first - of course but as the days & weeks go on youl learn tools to help keep you sober
I was one who actually did nearly die firefighters broke in and got me to safety I've paid the price with heavy burn welted scars
got ct scanned for wet brain had 4 Dr's around me they didn't want to scare me but yeah it was life or death I'm not playing when I say that
Do yourself a massive favour build a sobriety plan tonight start journalling do whatever just do not drink take it off the menu
it's your life
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Layali
Umm... I don't want to be screwed.
I think my impulse control is screwed up.
I think my impulse control is screwed up.
Hey!! We've all been there ... we've all been screwed ... dealing with the aftermath is sometimes the best part of it as then you are allowed to proceed and look forward to the next day when you might just end up being screwed AGAIN .. we do not know what the future holds ..that part is very unsure .. but ALL we DO know is that there is always the possibility of being screwed and sometimes it's HARD to deal with.. We've all been scewed over so we're all in the same boat...
My motto is:
"Quit and never quit quitting."
Have a nice day..I need to take a break from the forum and make some coffee...haven't had any yet today!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Layali
But how do I make it past? That's what I'm trying to figure out. In some people, that space between a thought and an action is so small it's barely recognizable - it's miniscule. I have this problem in other areas of my life too - I am doing something before I even realise I'm doing it.
You always know what you're doing. Focus and make grown-up decisions. Think before acting.
I'll bet there are a lot of things you think of doing but don't do. Like, eat five hot fudge sundaes, sleep with your best friends' mates, smack that annoying friend...you get the picture. Not all thoughts have to be acted upon.
I have compulsions, too. Alcohol is a compulsion that was going to kill me. I had to wrestle with it and win. That has bled over into other difficult bad habits that I've learned to control, too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I don't believe that.
You always know what you're doing. Focus and make grown-up decisions. Think before acting.
I'll bet there are a lot of things you think of doing but don't do. Like, eat five hot fudge sundaes, sleep with your best friends' mates, smack that annoying friend...you get the picture. Not all thoughts have to be acted upon.
I have compulsions, too. Alcohol is a compulsion that was going to kill me. I had to wrestle with it and win. That has bled over into other difficult bad habits that I've learned to control, too.
You always know what you're doing. Focus and make grown-up decisions. Think before acting.
I'll bet there are a lot of things you think of doing but don't do. Like, eat five hot fudge sundaes, sleep with your best friends' mates, smack that annoying friend...you get the picture. Not all thoughts have to be acted upon.
I have compulsions, too. Alcohol is a compulsion that was going to kill me. I had to wrestle with it and win. That has bled over into other difficult bad habits that I've learned to control, too.
I need to change more things.... change my environment, so that if this happens maybe it will be harder to drink. And try harder to pick up a book and start reading, even at the faintest glimmer of pre-relapse thinking. And have someone I can call if I feel like I might have those thoughts (but this one might be really really tough since calling people is a huge phobia of mine plus I'm finding it difficult to think of someone I could actually call) But I need a better plan.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Botswana
Posts: 384
I am a great thinker too. And it kept me drinking for twenty years after I first thought that stopping - or even easing off for a while - might be a wise thing to do.
I agree it is all about action - having ready alternative activities to hand for when the urges come. Many have been suggested, but literally walking somewhere else, changing location and posting here takes some beating.
There is nothing to be gained from getting into a debate with your addictive voice. It will lie to you until you feed it with alcohol.
And check out 'urge surfing ' and AVRT.
Good luck - I hope you stick around - this forum finally got me sober and it will help you too.
Fradley
I agree it is all about action - having ready alternative activities to hand for when the urges come. Many have been suggested, but literally walking somewhere else, changing location and posting here takes some beating.
There is nothing to be gained from getting into a debate with your addictive voice. It will lie to you until you feed it with alcohol.
And check out 'urge surfing ' and AVRT.
Good luck - I hope you stick around - this forum finally got me sober and it will help you too.
Fradley
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm saying that even with those disorders, you can stop drinking.
Lots of people have. If it means tweaking your meds or more face to face support or whatever it takes. You don't need alcohol to live. It is an addiction and your mind is telling you that you have to have it. You don't. That is the definition of addiction. If it means going to inpatient care for a year, do that. It's that deadly.
Lots of people have. If it means tweaking your meds or more face to face support or whatever it takes. You don't need alcohol to live. It is an addiction and your mind is telling you that you have to have it. You don't. That is the definition of addiction. If it means going to inpatient care for a year, do that. It's that deadly.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 529
If I had decent writing skills, I could have written that post, Layali. Fantastic description of what addiction is like.
I crashed and burned last night. Drank myself sick. I'm going to say it here and now; I'm never drinking again.
I crashed and burned last night. Drank myself sick. I'm going to say it here and now; I'm never drinking again.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Layali
That's not true. There are people who don't know what they're doing until they're doing it. On autopilot. Especially people with mental illnesses and eating disorders like bulimia and binge eating disorder (and I have had all of those). And I have BDT traits, which I've been diagnosed with. I was diagnosed with BPD by a previous psychiatrist but I don't have a couple of the "trademark" traits so the second psychiatrist moved it to only traits. I do find it hard to control my mind. I do sometimes find that I'm doing something and I didn't realise. Sometimes emotions or thoughts come and they are so powerful that I almost feel like it's not me doing it.
I need to change more things.... change my environment, so that if this happens maybe it will be harder to drink. And try harder to pick up a book and start reading, even at the faintest glimmer of pre-relapse thinking. And have someone I can call if I feel like I might have those thoughts (but this one might be really really tough since calling people is a huge phobia of mine plus I'm finding it difficult to think of someone I could actually call) But I need a better plan.
I need to change more things.... change my environment, so that if this happens maybe it will be harder to drink. And try harder to pick up a book and start reading, even at the faintest glimmer of pre-relapse thinking. And have someone I can call if I feel like I might have those thoughts (but this one might be really really tough since calling people is a huge phobia of mine plus I'm finding it difficult to think of someone I could actually call) But I need a better plan.
I perceive that you have a miraculous ability to COME UP with good plans. If you need help coming up with a plan there is always someone here. Dee never sleeps! [wink]
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