am i awful
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 6
am i awful
am i awful for wanting out of a 10 yr relationship now i found out my oh has been smoking ice for the last year?
before that it was oxy's for 2 years and i was almost done. then he said he got off them but started on speed and ice.
he is not the person i thought he was, i dont have any trust left. but i feel guilty to want to end it when he is in need of my support and wants to stop using.
before that it was oxy's for 2 years and i was almost done. then he said he got off them but started on speed and ice.
he is not the person i thought he was, i dont have any trust left. but i feel guilty to want to end it when he is in need of my support and wants to stop using.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 185
I don't think you're awful. I think you need to do what's best for you. However, I completely get that you want to help him. I do the same for my husband who has emotional issues. But unless HE wants to quit using there is nothing you can say or do. He has to want to stop and it will have to be him who gets the help. In my opinion if he wants the help then stand by him and help him get sober and recover. If not then you have to do what's best for you. I may be wrong but that's my take on it. Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2
My SO has stuck with me through my opiate addiction the several relapses and it has been hard on her. You can give the option of some time apart until her gets some clean time under his belt and y'all can be faithful to each other and still support him. However he does need to realize that you will not stay around to watch him slowly kill himself.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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thanks Bellamiaa.
he did confess to me and said he wants to quit, but needs my help. i find it a little emotional blackmailish. like he is putting it all on me to help him stop.
i dont want to break up and it have a bad effect on him, yet i cant lie about my feeling either...
he did confess to me and said he wants to quit, but needs my help. i find it a little emotional blackmailish. like he is putting it all on me to help him stop.
i dont want to break up and it have a bad effect on him, yet i cant lie about my feeling either...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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You can't be held hostage forever while he decides to quit. Does he honestly want to quit or is this a promise to get the heat off? I'd want to see action. Actual action. Not a promise to do something.
My husband is a crack addict. He currently not sober. Well, not in sobriety. He hasn't used in two days. It cycles in and out, back and forth. You aren't a bad person for wanting off the crazy train. It's draining. And what kind of a relationship does one have when the partner is constantly under the influence or wanting to be under the influence?
I've gotten ten years in this marriage. Two young kids. My own sobriety to work on. It's draining. Take a break from your boyfriend. It's not a bad thing.
My husband is a crack addict. He currently not sober. Well, not in sobriety. He hasn't used in two days. It cycles in and out, back and forth. You aren't a bad person for wanting off the crazy train. It's draining. And what kind of a relationship does one have when the partner is constantly under the influence or wanting to be under the influence?
I've gotten ten years in this marriage. Two young kids. My own sobriety to work on. It's draining. Take a break from your boyfriend. It's not a bad thing.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
The only person you're responsible for is you.
Broken trust. Dealing with an addict. Years of patiently waiting for change that doesn't come?
I'm pretty sure there's nothing 'awful' about making changes that you need to get out of a situation that isn't healthy for you and has shown consistent lack of change over time.
We don't 'owe' other people and we are responsible for our own health and self-care.
Broken trust. Dealing with an addict. Years of patiently waiting for change that doesn't come?
I'm pretty sure there's nothing 'awful' about making changes that you need to get out of a situation that isn't healthy for you and has shown consistent lack of change over time.
We don't 'owe' other people and we are responsible for our own health and self-care.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Kalicie, it's not selfish to take care of you first. You know what they tell you on airplanes ... put on your own oxygen mask first.
I was married for 15 years when I finally kicked out my ex. That was 14 1/2 years too long. I had a very hard time doing it. Fast forward to today - over 30 years later and I thank my lucky stars that I finally got up the nerve to get out.
I was married for 15 years when I finally kicked out my ex. That was 14 1/2 years too long. I had a very hard time doing it. Fast forward to today - over 30 years later and I thank my lucky stars that I finally got up the nerve to get out.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Kalicie, you're not awful. It sounds like a healthy, sane response to want to step away from this.
Also agree about the emotional blackmail. When I got sober, it was really about me making a decision for myself and actually taking action. My husband was supportive and that was great, but he wasn't the key -- I was. There was really nothing he could have done to get me sober, or to stop me from getting sober -- it was my problem to solve.
Also agree about the emotional blackmail. When I got sober, it was really about me making a decision for myself and actually taking action. My husband was supportive and that was great, but he wasn't the key -- I was. There was really nothing he could have done to get me sober, or to stop me from getting sober -- it was my problem to solve.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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You are not awful at all. You have one life. He has been dishonest and now he wants you to mother him he has decided to come clean.
Codependent relationships are not healthy ones. If you DO decide to stay with him I would suggest making very clear boundaries of expectation from the start, and see help from AlAnon or CoDa or similar so that you can recognise his behaviours and understand how to protect yourself emotionally and spiritually.
If it were me I would like to think I would be wishing him luck, and be on my way.
Codependent relationships are not healthy ones. If you DO decide to stay with him I would suggest making very clear boundaries of expectation from the start, and see help from AlAnon or CoDa or similar so that you can recognise his behaviours and understand how to protect yourself emotionally and spiritually.
If it were me I would like to think I would be wishing him luck, and be on my way.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Denver, CO
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Kinda sounds like you want out for more reasons than just the drugs. Which of course is fine. I don't think you're a bad person at all. You can't help how you feel. And if you're not there to help him with his issues, and he does something terrible because of it, that's completely on him. You can't control anyone, and no one should expect you to control them.
Several years ago I had an ex break up with me, and I lost several friends all at the same time. The reasons for it all happening at once were sort of tied together, sort of not. Either way, I totally went off the deep end and drank myself silly every weekend for several months. I've always only ever been a weekend drinker. It was really intensified during that time, though. But I acknowledge my actions then were my own. No one forced me to go crazy, although I felt like they had at the time.
We all make our own decisions, and no one else can ever be held responsible for them.
Several years ago I had an ex break up with me, and I lost several friends all at the same time. The reasons for it all happening at once were sort of tied together, sort of not. Either way, I totally went off the deep end and drank myself silly every weekend for several months. I've always only ever been a weekend drinker. It was really intensified during that time, though. But I acknowledge my actions then were my own. No one forced me to go crazy, although I felt like they had at the time.
We all make our own decisions, and no one else can ever be held responsible for them.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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How about he makes it happen through another means, getting Sober for the sake of a relationship or using the need for support of a person is neither a great basis for recovery or fair on you.
Then after he's Sober, you guys can reassess things then if you want to, but until then he needs to do this on his own, make Sobriety happen for himself!!
Then after he's Sober, you guys can reassess things then if you want to, but until then he needs to do this on his own, make Sobriety happen for himself!!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
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You're not awful, and I HATE emotional blackmail.
This might sound horrible but the last guy I broke up with did something like that.
He said " I feel like dying, I want to die"
This might sound really cold but I was kinda like " that's your problem, I'm the mistress of my own life, my direction in life is my own, so is my heart, soul and body, you're going to have to deal with it"
Its because I've been emotionally manipulated in the past and I have zero tolerance for it anymore.
This might sound horrible but the last guy I broke up with did something like that.
He said " I feel like dying, I want to die"
This might sound really cold but I was kinda like " that's your problem, I'm the mistress of my own life, my direction in life is my own, so is my heart, soul and body, you're going to have to deal with it"
Its because I've been emotionally manipulated in the past and I have zero tolerance for it anymore.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
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Definitely not awful, Kalicie. It is possible that breaking up might be just the wake up call he needs too. I haven't read all the posts here, so sorry if I'm repeating stuff, but one option is to separate for an indefinite period of time. Time for him to get clean, come to his senses, and time for you to take care of you. If he really cares about the relationship, it might motivate him to make the changes he needs to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 6
thank you for all your replies. haven't been doing much other than thinking lately! hope to have a plan and learn some coping strategies for when he comes home next week.
and yes there are other reasons, but i wonder now if they had to do with the drugs or not.
anyway, not feeling like bolting now anymore. must be over the shock.
and yes there are other reasons, but i wonder now if they had to do with the drugs or not.
anyway, not feeling like bolting now anymore. must be over the shock.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
living with an addict is like spending your personal happiness on somebody else's problem.
in the end, you use yourself up and they move on or die
Him saying he "needs you" to keep sober is a clear red flag he isn't really in recovery to me
His sobriety is his problem, and nobody else can help him do it.
The fact that he is trying to rope you in emotionally to be in charge of his issue
should have you bolting.
I'd rethink sticking around
Talk is cheap, actions over extended time count.
See where he is in six months on his own and decide then what is best for you.
in the end, you use yourself up and they move on or die
Him saying he "needs you" to keep sober is a clear red flag he isn't really in recovery to me
His sobriety is his problem, and nobody else can help him do it.
The fact that he is trying to rope you in emotionally to be in charge of his issue
should have you bolting.
I'd rethink sticking around
Talk is cheap, actions over extended time count.
See where he is in six months on his own and decide then what is best for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Kalicie, you might also want to post on the Friends and Families of Substance Abusers and/or on the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forums here on SoberRecovery as well as here.
On those two forums, you'll many many people who have dealt the addiction ot their loved ones and can share much hard earned wisdom about their experiences with you. Read the posts on those forums, including the "stickies" at the top of the forum page which are posts that have been saved because of their wisdom. The more you realize that you are not alone in this, the more supported you will feel.
You might want to get a copy of Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie; it is a fabulous place to start to understand why you are staying with an addict who lies and diminishes your life, and how to start to live your own life, not his.
ShootingStar1
On those two forums, you'll many many people who have dealt the addiction ot their loved ones and can share much hard earned wisdom about their experiences with you. Read the posts on those forums, including the "stickies" at the top of the forum page which are posts that have been saved because of their wisdom. The more you realize that you are not alone in this, the more supported you will feel.
You might want to get a copy of Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie; it is a fabulous place to start to understand why you are staying with an addict who lies and diminishes your life, and how to start to live your own life, not his.
ShootingStar1
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