advice please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
advice please
The affects of yesterday are still lingering with me. It is getting better but after the incident all I wanted to do is stay home and not talk to anyone.
The plan was to go to my daughters college football game with her. However the x in-laws were there tailgating so I decided to just go to the game. I did not want to talk to anyone when I got there and I felt like I could not shake the morning incident. I did not want to discuss it with the kids and the xin-laws snub me whenever possible. (that is nothing new, they just stepped it up).
So my day yesterday consisted of being harassed in the am snubbed in the pm and being wet and cold at a foot ball game that I only stayed for the 1st 1/2. (everyone was leaving to go get pizza - I was not invited - kids get wined and dined when they are not with me)
My question is how do you shake these things off and at least pretend to be happy?(fake it till you make it) I'm having a hard time with this and I think there will be many more incidents before this is over.
Cricket
The plan was to go to my daughters college football game with her. However the x in-laws were there tailgating so I decided to just go to the game. I did not want to talk to anyone when I got there and I felt like I could not shake the morning incident. I did not want to discuss it with the kids and the xin-laws snub me whenever possible. (that is nothing new, they just stepped it up).
So my day yesterday consisted of being harassed in the am snubbed in the pm and being wet and cold at a foot ball game that I only stayed for the 1st 1/2. (everyone was leaving to go get pizza - I was not invited - kids get wined and dined when they are not with me)
My question is how do you shake these things off and at least pretend to be happy?(fake it till you make it) I'm having a hard time with this and I think there will be many more incidents before this is over.
Cricket
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I would shift focus totally off your family for the moment cricket--
Just plan things for your health, joy, and relaxation.
Don't answer calls and let them go to voice mail for now.
Therapy, yoga, walks in park, preparing tasty healthy food,
long hot bubble baths, reading a novel, starting a hobby, hanging out in a coffee shop,
cleaning and purging your house, painting a room a color you want, going to the local shelter and petting some lonely animals. . .
the sky is the limit and things don't have to cost money to be fun and recharging.
You spend way too much time thinking about the ex and letting him bait you.
Kids are selfish and don't see beyond themselves--not knocking them--pretty typical really--
but you have to find your way back to you because you are your own best friend, know it or not
Just plan things for your health, joy, and relaxation.
Don't answer calls and let them go to voice mail for now.
Therapy, yoga, walks in park, preparing tasty healthy food,
long hot bubble baths, reading a novel, starting a hobby, hanging out in a coffee shop,
cleaning and purging your house, painting a room a color you want, going to the local shelter and petting some lonely animals. . .
the sky is the limit and things don't have to cost money to be fun and recharging.
You spend way too much time thinking about the ex and letting him bait you.
Kids are selfish and don't see beyond themselves--not knocking them--pretty typical really--
but you have to find your way back to you because you are your own best friend, know it or not
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
cricket.....your story brings back some memories of going through the divorce with my children's father (a long time ago). He resented me sooo much for the divorce. He was a narcissist (not alcoholic)....but the relationship was sucking out my soul.
He pulled some of the same type of deliberate harassing behaviors that you describe. While I was going through each incident....I would feel soo upset (I also had 3 young children). It would take me at least one day to come back to normal. Depending on the incident, it might take longer....2 or 3 days to shake it off....
We lived away from all the inlaws....thank god for that! It would have been a lot harder for me, I am sure. His family would have been on his side.
Give yourself a break, cricket....You are obviously trying very hard to move ahead in your life....and good for you, on that point. However, the reality is that you are still going through the rocky part of the split, and, with his personality,
there are still some rocks in the road. I think you are still in the grieving phase.
So....your moods are going to be up and down, sometimes.
Just try to upright the apple cart....face forward....and try to pick up where you left off.
Yesterday must have been a reminder of the losses that you have endured. That is probably why you feel so bad...angry and sad..... I think this is a normal reaction for the situation. Most of the time (not always)....but, most of the time...family will "side" with their own blood......
Given more time....enough time....this will become "history". You might remember stuff, but it won't knock you down and trigger the kinds of emotions--like it does while you are still in mid-battle...
Maybe, try to think of some activity that can divert your mind, today....
Did you ever think of burning the barn?...LOL, LOL!
dandylion
He pulled some of the same type of deliberate harassing behaviors that you describe. While I was going through each incident....I would feel soo upset (I also had 3 young children). It would take me at least one day to come back to normal. Depending on the incident, it might take longer....2 or 3 days to shake it off....
We lived away from all the inlaws....thank god for that! It would have been a lot harder for me, I am sure. His family would have been on his side.
Give yourself a break, cricket....You are obviously trying very hard to move ahead in your life....and good for you, on that point. However, the reality is that you are still going through the rocky part of the split, and, with his personality,
there are still some rocks in the road. I think you are still in the grieving phase.
So....your moods are going to be up and down, sometimes.
Just try to upright the apple cart....face forward....and try to pick up where you left off.
Yesterday must have been a reminder of the losses that you have endured. That is probably why you feel so bad...angry and sad..... I think this is a normal reaction for the situation. Most of the time (not always)....but, most of the time...family will "side" with their own blood......
Given more time....enough time....this will become "history". You might remember stuff, but it won't knock you down and trigger the kinds of emotions--like it does while you are still in mid-battle...
Maybe, try to think of some activity that can divert your mind, today....
Did you ever think of burning the barn?...LOL, LOL!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I sense your hurt of being snubbed, but I also read an expectation in your post.
Eventually we all have to surrender and let this kind of stuff go.
Knowing the ex-in- laws were going to be there, perhaps it would have been a better choice to just make other plans ?
Saying this gently, but it appears you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Aside from your kids, perhaps what is needed is some time and distance, away from the people that are currently causing you grief.
While you maybe feeling like it's a lonely planet today, there really is a wide world to explore, time to carve a new path, go experience something new.
Eventually we all have to surrender and let this kind of stuff go.
Knowing the ex-in- laws were going to be there, perhaps it would have been a better choice to just make other plans ?
Saying this gently, but it appears you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Aside from your kids, perhaps what is needed is some time and distance, away from the people that are currently causing you grief.
While you maybe feeling like it's a lonely planet today, there really is a wide world to explore, time to carve a new path, go experience something new.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Good morning Cricket...the above posters are right!!
Yes, my ex wines and dines my sons too...he's the "fun" one. He's the fun one because he doesn't know how to parent -- he really doesn't. I heard someone once say that from the point an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic their growth and maturity stops. Is this true? I don't know, but if it is, my ex is in his early 20's mentally and he's 48!! This would explain a lot.
I spent yesterday doing something similar. My eldest son had a regatta, the first of the fall season and it was close to home. I was there as was my ex and his mom who I use to be very close to. She wouldnt even speak to me, let alone look at me and I was sitting with them trying to make things comfortable for my younger son (really isn't my job to make anyone comfortable, but this divorce thing is still new to my teens) who came with me and allow the exMIL to see him. I just ignored it, talked to my kids, walked around, took phone calls from friends as they came in. I just detached and did my own thing even if it was sitting right by my sour MIL. That wasn't easy but it made my day a lot more enjoyable. I even bought myself a cupcake -- strawberry with vanilla icing and it was YUM!
Take care of you, do the things you love to do even if its staying home and relaxing, but do it for you and know its ok. Tight hugs, hot tea, and bubble baths sent your way!!!
Yes, my ex wines and dines my sons too...he's the "fun" one. He's the fun one because he doesn't know how to parent -- he really doesn't. I heard someone once say that from the point an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic their growth and maturity stops. Is this true? I don't know, but if it is, my ex is in his early 20's mentally and he's 48!! This would explain a lot.
I spent yesterday doing something similar. My eldest son had a regatta, the first of the fall season and it was close to home. I was there as was my ex and his mom who I use to be very close to. She wouldnt even speak to me, let alone look at me and I was sitting with them trying to make things comfortable for my younger son (really isn't my job to make anyone comfortable, but this divorce thing is still new to my teens) who came with me and allow the exMIL to see him. I just ignored it, talked to my kids, walked around, took phone calls from friends as they came in. I just detached and did my own thing even if it was sitting right by my sour MIL. That wasn't easy but it made my day a lot more enjoyable. I even bought myself a cupcake -- strawberry with vanilla icing and it was YUM!
Take care of you, do the things you love to do even if its staying home and relaxing, but do it for you and know its ok. Tight hugs, hot tea, and bubble baths sent your way!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
This may seem a little strange but if I did not go the football game my inlaws would win. They always tried to exclude me and override what little authority I had as their mom. XAH enforced what they wanted and would throw me under the bus. So not going was not an option even though I knew what would happen, the X just added to the daily stress.
The Xinlaws have successfully alienated my x sister in-laws ex-husband where he is barely involved. I don't want that to happen. This is pretty much my last fear.
cricket
Example; 3-4 years ago my mil bought everyone tshirts except me, things like this went on all the time.
The Xinlaws have successfully alienated my x sister in-laws ex-husband where he is barely involved. I don't want that to happen. This is pretty much my last fear.
cricket
Example; 3-4 years ago my mil bought everyone tshirts except me, things like this went on all the time.
Last edited by cricket123; 10-04-2015 at 08:16 AM. Reason: adding
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Cricket, it must be really hard feeling like you're in a battle with the in-laws for your children's love. I know this will sound strange to you, but maybe it's possible to just refuse to battle them? Would it be possible to make plans with your kids at times when they won't be around? Or just trust that if you focus on yourself, your kids will seek you out eventually? It sounds like they do love you, and your in-laws can't change that. Not really. But it doesn't sound like last night was any fun for you! My guess is that if you focus on doing what makes you happy and keeping yourself a happy, healthy Cricket, your children will find ways to work around YOUR schedule, and maybe even enjoy your company all the more because they see you're happy and don't feel stuck in the middle between you and their grandparents.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Life is not a game/sport, so I do not see this as a win/ lose situation.
Do you want/need to win? or do you want to be happy? the choice is yours.
you can choose to allow those nasty azz people to control your life, or you can choose to dance away in the opposite direction, truly, you are in charge of you.
I can think of 1000 other things to do with my life, other than be consumed my insensitive jerks, sometimes surrendering sets us free.
Do you want/need to win? or do you want to be happy? the choice is yours.
you can choose to allow those nasty azz people to control your life, or you can choose to dance away in the opposite direction, truly, you are in charge of you.
I can think of 1000 other things to do with my life, other than be consumed my insensitive jerks, sometimes surrendering sets us free.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
I went because my daughter asked me to, not because I wanted to. Yes it has always been a struggle and when I refuse to play their game I tend to pay one way or the other.
Up until I got sick and long after that I was very involved with my kids. I was the one that carted them everywhere got them involved in things etc. So it is very hard watching them purposely exclude me. Yes my kids are being very selfish and I am very mad that they are. I know I did not raise them like that - he might of but I did not. lol
However with what marie1960 says is a very good point. I decided yesterday that I was not going to the next football game and I will let my daughter know why(nicely but honestly).
jj111 I did not get the gym membership but I did sign up for an online class at the local community college. I am hoping to settle a few more things then I think I would like to learn how to ride horses properly. lol Something I have been thinking about forever. (I know very little about horses but it seems to appeal to me) And I think I need a dog. I have trained dogs in the past and I enjoy them. X took both dogs that he brought home with talking to me about it. (One I was going through chemo/radiation and the 2nd one was last summer, after my dog, that I trained and was my companion passed.
He Said the puppy was to replace him - That comment did not go over good with me.
Up until I got sick and long after that I was very involved with my kids. I was the one that carted them everywhere got them involved in things etc. So it is very hard watching them purposely exclude me. Yes my kids are being very selfish and I am very mad that they are. I know I did not raise them like that - he might of but I did not. lol
However with what marie1960 says is a very good point. I decided yesterday that I was not going to the next football game and I will let my daughter know why(nicely but honestly).
jj111 I did not get the gym membership but I did sign up for an online class at the local community college. I am hoping to settle a few more things then I think I would like to learn how to ride horses properly. lol Something I have been thinking about forever. (I know very little about horses but it seems to appeal to me) And I think I need a dog. I have trained dogs in the past and I enjoy them. X took both dogs that he brought home with talking to me about it. (One I was going through chemo/radiation and the 2nd one was last summer, after my dog, that I trained and was my companion passed.
He Said the puppy was to replace him - That comment did not go over good with me.
Last edited by cricket123; 10-04-2015 at 08:51 AM. Reason: adding
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
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cricket....yes, yes! a dog.....how about some dog that is just waiting for a new home? Like, maybe a german shepard mix....? I am just so partial to them....but any dog is great.
Cricket....don't think for a minute that y our children's love for you is diminished. If it was there, in the beginning....(and, it was)....it is still there!!
Remember, that it is very hard for the children to feel like they are in the middle...they get so torn, inside. they may not tall you that...they probably won't....but, they can't help it.
Actually, be grateful that they have a relationship with their grandparents...they need that. It really isn't a contest for their love....even though the i nlaws have been ****** to you.
I actually think it was good that your daughter asked you to come to the game....she wouldn't have done that if she didn't care. Your kids are still young.
They will come around. The older they get...the more they will appreciate you.
Every time they see you...let them see your face light up....at your pleasure of their presence. That is the greatest thing that y ou can do...and, they will carry that in their hearts forever......
dandylion
Cricket....don't think for a minute that y our children's love for you is diminished. If it was there, in the beginning....(and, it was)....it is still there!!
Remember, that it is very hard for the children to feel like they are in the middle...they get so torn, inside. they may not tall you that...they probably won't....but, they can't help it.
Actually, be grateful that they have a relationship with their grandparents...they need that. It really isn't a contest for their love....even though the i nlaws have been ****** to you.
I actually think it was good that your daughter asked you to come to the game....she wouldn't have done that if she didn't care. Your kids are still young.
They will come around. The older they get...the more they will appreciate you.
Every time they see you...let them see your face light up....at your pleasure of their presence. That is the greatest thing that y ou can do...and, they will carry that in their hearts forever......
dandylion
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Location: michigan
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lol yes I was looking a german shepard mix on the humane society page, I need a guard dog, but I think I want one younger so I can train it the way I want it. I also want to wait and see how my finances turn out before I make that commitment.
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Getting into horses is a great idea! I started taking riding lessons about five years ago, after my Mom died, and it has been great. I'd never been on a horse in my life, but it was something I always wanted to do. I've met new people and bonded with some amazing animals. So many times it has given me a reason to get out of bed in the morning!
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