dox

Here's some unsolicited advice:

When another alcoholic offers you advice, especially on 'outside' issues, ask them what, in their experience, gives them their understanding of your problem.
(or gentler words to that effect)
They may offer you experience, strength and hope.
Or not.

The irony of my offering of this advice is that I learned it second-hand.

When we learn to listen, we learn from others' mistakes.

Although it may seem to be inevitable, we don't always have to learn things the hard way.

Gottalife

I think you must be right about that. Try as I might I can't remember an occasion where I have seen that happen in an AA meeting. I could imagine how humiliating that would be for the individual and I don't think a group would put up with it.

I wonder if this sort of direct challenge comes from the treatment industry. There is a program running in one town we visted where every member at some time is put on the mat and has their inventory taken by another, and they are also expected to forthrightly criticise someone else in front of the group. I can't for the life of me see what good that would do, but then I am not a therapist and AA is not therapy.

2muchpain

I've been to a few meetings where some people were criticized for their share. There was this woman at one meeting I used to go to that seemed to have a lot of influence in the group. She seemed to have no problems attacking someone if she disagreed with what they said. I shared something about triggers once. She got pretty upset and jumped all over me at the meeting, saying there was no such thing as triggers, just excuses to drink. I didn't say anything back because that would of been considered cross-talking.
This is one of the reasons why I rarely share today. I don't blame her. It's my choice to sit quietly and listen. It's pretty hard to criticize someone if they don't share. Nobody has gotten on my case in a long time. Not recommending this approach, but it works for me. John

Austin4Wyo

Confrontation can be a very effective form of therapy. It has helped friends of mine with a variety of issues from anger to boundaries to being more empathetic. I do not, however, feel it should EVER be engaged without qualified supervision. Like you said, AA isn't meant to be clinical therapy, so confrontational therapy does not, to my understanding, have any place there.

I find it interesting that we've cussed and discussed, disected, and otherwise analyzed the ever-loving hell out of unsolicited advice we find difficult to stomach or not germane, but no one has brought up the converse, which is when someone gives it out of genuine concern and interest, and it turns out well. At my old homegroup, this was FAR more common than someone else coming up and barking something at me. Usually, if I took MY ego out of it, it was good stuff.

Again, I will stress the personal responsibility aspect. I dunno about anyone else, but I am thoroughly aware that I'm not under obligation to do anything anyone else suggests, regardless of whether I asked for advice or not. The decision to do or do not lies with me, as do the consequences.

"I never do anything I don't want to do. Nor does anyone, but in my case I am always aware of it." -Robert Heinlein

Anything beyond my hula hoop shouldn't be of concern. The amount of guessing at people's I am capable of is something I need to be constantly mindful of. I can guess, I can even ask and recieve a response, but I can NEVER truly know.

makomago

Any advice given but not requested is unsolicited advice

....in AA its almost certainly insane (or at least the source might be) and out of AA... same rules apply :-)

The phrase is possibly heard lots because there is lots of it about and it is a nuiseance and a menace, especially when its well intentioned.

There was a time (both before and during recovery) I'd give plenty of unsolicited advice, I did so because I prefered to be concerned with others rather than myself because looking inward hurt to much (denial). I suspect I then either demonstrated controlling behaviour, smart ass'ism (I know best/playing God) or some other symptom of flawed thinking or untreated alcoholism.

When I heard some in AA and in other 'recovery circles' simply share their experience WITHOUT telling others what they 'should and shouldn't do' I gravitated towards them because they just seemed mentally and spiritually healthier. I made up in my mind that these were the "winners" of which its suggested one "sticks with".

To my mind unsolicited advice is the direct opposite of sharings ones es&h. Here is some unsolicited advice I got in my 20's - "Stop drinking!"

Now that might have been a healthy choice for me to make (assuming I still had the choice at the time of hearing it), but I strongly suspect, although I can't prove it, that I'd have still suffered from the causes and conditions , the defects and the insanity with or without the drink. I'd have stayed miserable and I'd never have even heard of the promises let alone experience them!

To my mind unsolicited advice fosters dependency, it denies someone the ability to learn and grow for themselves; it's giving a fish instead of teaching fishing... it's enabling. It's symptomatic of one of the codepent behaviours and characteristics (controlling). No, I don't enjoy it one bit and I rarely trust the source of it.

M

Ken33xx

True, but then I'm sure you've had much experience dealing with various personalities in AA and wouldn't have any problems with the below if aimed your way:
When I’m new to a meeting I usually just listen. I like to get a feeling of the meeting/members before deciding to share or not. If the room is filled with BB thumpers that’s cool but I’m careful if I decide to share. I’ve had enough criticism tossed my way over the years and can deal with it but prefer to avoid the hassle of upsetting any AA gurus if possible.

Gottalife

That is a very interesting point of view. One piece of unsolicited advice, or maybe treatment industry dogma, we all received back when I was new was "no emotional involvement for two years". I didn't even understand what was meant by the term, but at 22 and full of hormones, I wasn't going to take any notice of that. The fact that my sponsor offored no unsolicited advice on that probably saved my life. He made sure there was never any barrier between us.

Of course I had a disastrous relationship that blew up after a short time and when it was all over, I could go to my sponsor and learn the lessons. I reckon that experience was one of the most valuable of my sobriety, extremely painful though it was. And like you said, for someone to interfere in that would have denied me a huge opportunity for growth.