Committed to Recovery?
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Committed to Recovery?
How can you tell if someone is committed to their recovery and change? My husband goes to meetings. He just graduated from his IOP last week. What should I being seeing from him from a recovery stand point? What should I be looking for? He got fired from his job last Thursday which we knew was coming. He took the job just for a pay check...now he is looking for work. He hasn't talked about his recovery, or enlightenment , or any ah ha moments. I'm told to see with my eyes and not my ears...so what does recovery look like????
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Recovery is like (good) art; you'll know it when you see it. Unfortunately, what you see and what he sees could be two totally different things; it's all about one's perception and perspective.
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Location: Delray Beach, Florida
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Originally Posted by NoelleR 
Recovery is like (good) art; you'll know it when you see it. Unfortunately, what you see and what he sees could be two totally different things; it's all about one's perception and perspective.
(o:
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Mama,
That is a tough question, at this point, my opinion would be 1) not using, 2) going to meetings, 3) actively looking for work, 4) paying attention to you and the boys -- that's about all I would expect.
I would not expect him to talk very much about his recovery for a while. That will probably come in time but not right away - right now he is still engaged in a very active battle with his own demons.
Bear in mind that your expectations may not be his - the fewer expectations you have for him, the less you leave yourself open to disappointment.
Keep coming back,
Jim
That is a tough question, at this point, my opinion would be 1) not using, 2) going to meetings, 3) actively looking for work, 4) paying attention to you and the boys -- that's about all I would expect.
I would not expect him to talk very much about his recovery for a while. That will probably come in time but not right away - right now he is still engaged in a very active battle with his own demons.
Bear in mind that your expectations may not be his - the fewer expectations you have for him, the less you leave yourself open to disappointment.
Keep coming back,
Jim
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Location: Delray Beach, Florida
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So what about down the line Jim? After he finds employment? Shouldn't he be seeking some counseling, therapy or something to fight these demons? If so, I know he will not pursue therapy on his own...it would be something I would recommend he do, but never would he be motivated to do so otherwise
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
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Mama,
Just the meetings in and of themselves have a great deal of therapeutic value; there are ample opportunities there in Delray.
Working the steps with a sponsor yields more therapy - again there are lots of qualified candidates available in town..
Speaking strictly from my limited experience with one addict (daughter) who IS committed to her recovery. We urged her to seek professional therapy from the minute she left the rehab and went to the halfway in your home town.
Our requests fell on deaf ears for about 8 or 9 months - but we had at least mastered Nar-Anon's Step 1 - "We admitted that we were powerless over the addict....." - so we at least could accept our "failure" to get her into therapy. During those 8-9 months she went to meetings religiously and tried a couple of different sponsors. She finally found a sponsor with whom she "clicked" and really got into the Step work -- she started to get comfortable in her own skin.
Several more months passed while she worked through the Steps - at about the 12 month mark she had completed her steps and was proud of herself for that accomplishment. Shortly afterward, she began speaking at H&I commitments and took on the first of her sponsees (theraputic again). During that time she was seeing a professional therapist on a sporadic basis - again that particular therapist was not a great fit for her.
She finally has found a therapist that she likes and has started to deal with the trauma which is probably at the root cause of her addiction. This was not easy for her and probably will not be for your RAH - I am not sure exactly what transpired at one of her early sessions, but it upset her greatly and drained her physically and emotionally to the point where she actually took a day off from work - she never does that! - she works at a drug & alcohol detox and when she called in, the other staff members who had been to trauma counseling themselves, understood completely.
We know there was a physically abusive boyfriend which caused her great anguish - not sure what else lurks in her past - that is between her and the therapist -- we would listen if she wanted to share, but would never pry into her secret past.
She is now almost 20 months clean - we still do not hear a lot about her recovery. We get to see it and that is enough. That does not mean that we would not love to hear about the a-ha moments, it just means that we have learned through Nar-Anon that prying is probably not the best idea - her addiction and recovery stories come out in tiny snipetts and fleeting glimpses which she reveals at her own pace.
Everyone needs encouragement in recovery - RADD has said more than once that the nicest things you can say to an addict in early recovery are "I love you." and "I am proud of you."
Love your addict, hate the disease.
One day at a time,
Jim
Just the meetings in and of themselves have a great deal of therapeutic value; there are ample opportunities there in Delray.
Working the steps with a sponsor yields more therapy - again there are lots of qualified candidates available in town..
Speaking strictly from my limited experience with one addict (daughter) who IS committed to her recovery. We urged her to seek professional therapy from the minute she left the rehab and went to the halfway in your home town.
Our requests fell on deaf ears for about 8 or 9 months - but we had at least mastered Nar-Anon's Step 1 - "We admitted that we were powerless over the addict....." - so we at least could accept our "failure" to get her into therapy. During those 8-9 months she went to meetings religiously and tried a couple of different sponsors. She finally found a sponsor with whom she "clicked" and really got into the Step work -- she started to get comfortable in her own skin.
Several more months passed while she worked through the Steps - at about the 12 month mark she had completed her steps and was proud of herself for that accomplishment. Shortly afterward, she began speaking at H&I commitments and took on the first of her sponsees (theraputic again). During that time she was seeing a professional therapist on a sporadic basis - again that particular therapist was not a great fit for her.
She finally has found a therapist that she likes and has started to deal with the trauma which is probably at the root cause of her addiction. This was not easy for her and probably will not be for your RAH - I am not sure exactly what transpired at one of her early sessions, but it upset her greatly and drained her physically and emotionally to the point where she actually took a day off from work - she never does that! - she works at a drug & alcohol detox and when she called in, the other staff members who had been to trauma counseling themselves, understood completely.
We know there was a physically abusive boyfriend which caused her great anguish - not sure what else lurks in her past - that is between her and the therapist -- we would listen if she wanted to share, but would never pry into her secret past.
She is now almost 20 months clean - we still do not hear a lot about her recovery. We get to see it and that is enough. That does not mean that we would not love to hear about the a-ha moments, it just means that we have learned through Nar-Anon that prying is probably not the best idea - her addiction and recovery stories come out in tiny snipetts and fleeting glimpses which she reveals at her own pace.
Everyone needs encouragement in recovery - RADD has said more than once that the nicest things you can say to an addict in early recovery are "I love you." and "I am proud of you."
Love your addict, hate the disease.
One day at a time,
Jim
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
I was hoping to bump this post up a bit and see if anyone else can give some insight on what should recovery look like.
My husband is giving me so much attitude. He is upset because one of my son's friends father has been emailing me regarding his sons birthday party, soccer, and sharing that his son came down with the same virus my son had. He was so mad. I asked him to help my son with his homework and out of spite he said he can't because he is busy. He ended up apologizing and blaming it on how he is so stressed out about being out of work. He is clean 100 days but still selfish as ever. Does the selfishness go with the territory with this man child?
My husband is giving me so much attitude. He is upset because one of my son's friends father has been emailing me regarding his sons birthday party, soccer, and sharing that his son came down with the same virus my son had. He was so mad. I asked him to help my son with his homework and out of spite he said he can't because he is busy. He ended up apologizing and blaming it on how he is so stressed out about being out of work. He is clean 100 days but still selfish as ever. Does the selfishness go with the territory with this man child?
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Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
I was hoping to bump this post up a bit and see if anyone else can give some insight on what should recovery look like.
My husband is giving me so much attitude. He is upset because one of my son's friends father has been emailing me regarding his sons birthday party, soccer, and sharing that his son came down with the same virus my son had. He was so mad. I asked him to help my son with his homework and out of spite he said he can't because he is busy. He ended up apologizing and blaming it on how he is so stressed out about being out of work. He is clean 100 days but still selfish as ever. Does the selfishness go with the territory with this man child?
My husband is giving me so much attitude. He is upset because one of my son's friends father has been emailing me regarding his sons birthday party, soccer, and sharing that his son came down with the same virus my son had. He was so mad. I asked him to help my son with his homework and out of spite he said he can't because he is busy. He ended up apologizing and blaming it on how he is so stressed out about being out of work. He is clean 100 days but still selfish as ever. Does the selfishness go with the territory with this man child?
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Originally Posted by zoso77
I think a better question is what does recovery look like for you.
Now all I visualize or should i say fantasize about is a life without him but for some reason I'm frozen in time. I can't take the leap. Maybe deep down I don't want to feel responsible for breaking up our family. Hurting my boys. I'm also very nervous about the time my boys will spend alone with their father if we split. How can I trust he will stay clean and not put their lives in danger? It's sad but at least with us together I can keep an eye on my husband and be there to see how he is parenting and if he is using or not. I feel so trapped
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