Tooshabby

Hi everyone :-)

Lexiecat - that is the conclusion I have recently come to. I'm not talented at everything related to my job, but I do have talents. We're all like that, I think. I also find it really hard understanding the structure of organisations related to my field, and I tend towards the disorganised, but I have other strengths. We don't have to, and probably can't be, good at everything. Sounds like you're an extremely valuable member of your team.

Dee - your post describes me perfectly. People pleasing, hating conflict, then resentment builds...bing, bing, bing. I'm just on my way out of these patterns now at 49, thank heavens.

KeyofC, if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been with your partner/husband? Have these dynamics always been there or have things changed over time?

letitgo

I think Dee is always right on. Early sobriety is an adjustment even a few months in. Saying nope and going to deal with life completely sober no more how painful it can be at times.
I notice my depression and anxiety probably kept me drinking because i didnt want to deal with it sober. These feelings are frustratung now because before i would just have a few or several drinks and push it off until i explode. Then starting the cycle again.
I have been on and off with AA. I recognize serenity is a huge thing in my life. I have little control over man things. I try to exert control and i fail miserably

I have some good books to read and going relax for the holidays. Time to get out of the fog, doing somethings and think realistics thoughts. Seperation of feelings and thoughts.

I know your struggling Key and Tooshabby hugs. We can do it. Learn and grow 1 day at a time.

strategery

What if getting sober doesn’t change certain things?

This has been a question I have pondered the last month. I have been hesitant to share since it has been a tough place to be in mentally and I was still hashing a lot of it out to where I didn’t think it would come off well. However, with some time, I’ve been able to grow from the experience and ready to share.

I always blamed failures and anything bad in my life on my drinking. I always thought if I didn’t drink, this wouldn’t have happened or that would have happened and my life would have been awesome. Alcohol was a great scapegoat. I’m taking a course this semester. I did very well on the first exam. With the material for the second exam, it was very tough and I struggled to where I have spent an insane amount of time trying to master the material. However, I worked hard at it and diligently and thought I would do well. When I took that second exam, I was stunned at how difficult the exam was. You know those dreams where you look at an exam and think what is on this exam and then wake up being grateful it was just a dream? That was me, but it wasn’t a dream. I don’t think I’ve ever been so frustrated and had tears in my eyes since I had worked so hard. I still remember the thought that kept running through my head, “………but this can’t happen. I AM SOBER!!!!!” I was stunned, angry, upset, and disillusioned.

This started me down a path of wondering whether all the failures I’ve attributed to alcohol, weren’t due to alcohol, but that maybe they were just what they were. It also started me down the path of wondering whether my drinking wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be, which is very dangerous and I turned that thought quickly. However, the question I still had to answer was “if alcohol doesn’t change anything like what you thought it would, do you still want to be sober?” It was something I have thought long and hard about. How I had visualized my life at a year sober and what life is at a year sober, are two very different realities. However, every single day I pondered this question, I came to the conclusion I wanted to be sober.

I thought about all the insights I had learned this last year every single time I pondered these questions. Around six months, I came to realize that what I was looking for with alcohol, was an out for coping with life and that alcohol is a horrible way to cope with life. Even if it gives a temporary out, it is a terrible way to deal with things since it is just that….temporary. I can still remember after a binge being up at 2-3a heart pounding and being left alone with the thoughts I drank to avoid in the first place without the reprieve of being able to sleep. So much for stopping those thoughts.

I have also come to realize that even though drinking seemed like fun, it really wasn’t fun. Many nights, I was asleep on the couch. Not really that much fun or relaxing. Lastly, it was this constant obsession when I was drinking. In the last month or two, I’ve come to realize that the obsession I once had, is gone. I can look at a drink and it doesn’t have the allure or the power it once had. That in itself is a miracle.

Even if alcohol wasn’t responsible for certain circumstances in my life and that my life might not change like I had visualized in early sobriety, I am happier, healthier and love my sober life. I don’t want to give it up for anything. I also think that our sobriety is very much a gift and is something that shouldn't be taken for granted since it is too easy to lose it and struggle to get it back. I wrote a blog post a year ago and in one part, I made the observation that, “ …just starting drinking makes it that much harder to stop. Nothing bad has happened, but the key thing is yet and I don't ever want to realize that yet”.

Just by not drinking, I never have to realize those yets and have made my future better than it would have been by keeping alcohol in it. Even though getting sober may not have changed things I was hoping would change, it has paved the way for a better future.

Today’s exercise: are you expecting for sobriety to change anything in your life? If these things don’t occur, why do you want to stay sober?

venuscat

Absolutely awesome post strat ~ thank you. ♥

For me, it was about hope and prayer rather than any expectations.
I was very ill, both physically and mentally, and I no longer wanted to live.
All of that has radically changed, and I feel incredibly blessed.

Did I want to be further down the road financially by now? For sure. And I am a little disappointed in myself for that reason, but I really had no way of knowing where this journey would take me. Things have not happened in the order I would have liked, but that is OK.

Because what has happened is a whole new Venus.
I am actually someone I like now.
I have purpose, and I have hope.
I have friends who mean a great deal to me, and I believe in myself once again.

Life is just so exciting for me now, and I would not give this (sober life) up for anything.

KeyofC

Quote from Shab-KeyofC, if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been with your partner/husband? Have these dynamics always been there or have things changed over time? We have been together 21 years just this past November 17. Our anniversary of marriage will be May 31st of 20 years.
Shab, it has probably always been there. I had a bad habit of needing to fix people. Things from my childhood and it extended to adulthood and ultimately all these issues combined probably triggered the alcoholism.

Strat has hit the nail on the head...my sobriety hasn't changed any of these things. Now I am just dealing with this crap sober. I will make it through I have no doubt, but the pain is no less real and the issue is still difficult.

I want to stay sober because as I realized over time, it caused so much chaos in my life. It made me an unhappy person. It made me mean. It made me angry. It made me irrational. It made me controlling. As I sit here and type these things (and there's many more I blame alcohol for) I AM all those things drunk or not. It's on a lesser lever when I am not drunk. I am more aware of what I am doing and can stop it or it may not be as harsh when I am sober. But for the love of Jesus, I am all these things. After 127 days I am just realizing that drinking altered my thinking that all these things are supposed to be accepted. Who in their right mind would think all these negative behaviors are ok? Oh, wait, I wasn't in my right mind... drumroll cymbal crash
So where I am at is this: there are a few traits about me I like, but for the most part, I have some issues that I have continued doing that simply are habit and I have to stop. It is detrimental to myself, to my marriage, to my friendships. Yes, people have their part in it too, but all I can do is my part. I do like the person I am seeing in the mirror these days, with the understanding that we got some work to do. It all begins and ends with me. Where my part stops, then the other person starts. If they don't start, then there are decisions to be made.
And like you, Venus, I am seeing that a whole new me is erupting. Some days I handle it well, some days I struggle, but every day I am working on it. Good or bad. I am aware of behaviors I have to stop. They are negative and cause negative reactions in people I love. I am (thank God) positive by default so I always am open to change. Change is just that, change, and with difference there can be a struggle. It's ok, I welcome it ALL. I am so glad I found you guys and that you let me hash it out. I am glad for your feedback in any form. Y'all, thank you. This thread is amazing ((hug))!

Sizzle

So VERY true!