FireSprite

Nope - you guys are right, it won't matter a lick.

Thinking on this all day has helped a lot ~ I should've done this days ago. It's different from journaling when you are editing yourself for others to understand.

In retrospect, I've "tried" more than is reasonable already. It's the leftover Codie feeling of having to "fix" everything for her that I have to work on identifying earlier...... & at the same time the timing of all of this has been like The Perfect Storm; not sure I could've recognized these triggers until examining all of this.

She only JUST told us about her abuse short of 2 yrs ago - this is "more being revealed" in a massive way. It rocked my world ~ first with shock, then anger, then relief because I was having a lot of AHA moments - soooo many things make sense now!!!!

When I started my weight loss/body image overhaul a few months ago I dedicated myself to digging until I hit roots for understanding of these issues in my life, this emotional attachment. As I shed each pound, all of this FOO is just bubbling away under the surface & I started to see links in the chain I'd never seen before because of that previously missing information. My mother ran away & eloped with my dad when she was just 17 & only months from the end of the abuse.... pregnant immediately, putting my arrival on the scene a mere 18 months when she'd last been abused. Dad's family hated her & treated her as such - abuse starting all over again. Dad started drinking at age 9 - I don't believe either of them had a CLUE what childhood should look like, they were completely unequipped.

I've spent most of the last 2 yrs with nothing but compassion for her & her situation but that Little Girl inside of me is just effing pissed right now. Having not been taught compassion at this point, she doesn't have it to give. My empathy says, if I can help myself then so can you. My Codie-Knee-Jerk-Reaction is to want her to be fixed so I can not feel responsible for her unhappiness. ** ------> this is the crap that we ACoA's talk about , the damage that messes your head up so badly that you can't tell the difference between your own stress/responsibility & "theirs" but that you also can't easily explain, it's insidious. Like how every time I think about her sitting there feeling miserable & my gut seizes in that way... that alarm sounding, fight or flight, fix it!!}

Yes, Lex, exactly like an alcoholic. Right down to how her some of her memories are entirely screwed up - which is new, progression? We were discussing DD starting to hit some milestones & she brought up when it happened to me & it was obvious she's re-written the script to protect her emotions. (the true story doesn't cast her in a good light as a mom) I could only manage to stutter, "that's not what happened at all..."

I've introduced her to yoga, meditation, reiki, tai chi, mandalas, more books than I can remember, massage/bodywork, therapy, people, places & things of all kinds. Counseling centers, forums, you name it. Both at her request & unprompted because I thought she'd benefit based on the things she complained about. Sis has offered her cold hard cash for whatever she needs. Almost ALL of it has brought her some relief that she can't deny, ALL of it. Absolute inertia on her side.

It really started with the books - they're fantastic. And I started taking the idea too far thinking "what else would add to this, synergize with it?" Now I know - my name on the gift box; I'll buy the books for myself.

Thank you for always asking the hard questions & for hanging in there through all this verbal vomit.

emilynghiem

For myself, I need one of those signs with a red target to hang on the wall that says "Hit Your Head Here"

LifeRecovery

Firesprite-

I am not 100% sure what I want to say in this post. I think I just want to say that I am right there with you in the confusion of healing your stuff and how ingrained it can be with stuff with our FOO.

I am so confused right now with my own "mom stuff," right now. I think part of the confusion for me is that I am realizing that I am working on healing multi-generational hurts for/in myself, but that it is hard to realize that I cannot offer that healing to the wonderful woman in that lineage.

Also I wanted to say thank you so much for you writing what Brene Brown wrote regarding parenting in another post. I bawled, copied it, brought it to my therapy session and bawled again.

Finally for me only I just wanted to name that my recovery has been multi-dimensional. ED stuff, choosing someone with problem drinking in their life etc.....but I truly feel that I needed those experiences to crack open the healing that you are talking about right now.

Refiner

I was sexually abused from age 6 for a decade but turned out just fine due to MY OWN recovery efforts as an adult. It's on your Mom. Stay on your side of the street.

Butterfly

Firesprite I've been thinking about your post and I know it's about your mum but have you thought about a recovery toolkit for you?

This has came into my mind recently to start one of my own for days I'm struggling with everything. Just a thought ((((hugs))))

DesertEyes

Wow, this is a great thread. Do you all think I should make it a sticky?

Mike
Moderator, SR,
p.s. and yes, I had the same kind of Mom

FireSprite

Sure Mike, if you think this fits in with sticky material, by all means, link it up.

Refiner - THANK YOU. I think I needed to hear that. I KNOW I did actually. This is such a sensitive topic & I do not want to insult or offend anyone that has been a victim of SA - I'm seeking understanding, not passing judgment. One of mom's idiosyncrasies is having seizures while she sleeps when she's emotionally overwhelmed, and I do not want to unintentionally trigger that by pushing her in damaging ways that I'm blind or ignorant to.

My sister, ironically, has an abusive, alcoholic XAH that she finally got away from about 12 yrs ago. She has worked incredibly hard & done a full 180 in life - the change in her is dramatic to say the least. She is empowered, confident, happy. She is much less empathetic about all of this than I am & pretty much told mom to get over her sense of terminal uniqueness & get on with it. It has taken the 2 of us years to become friends & siblings but she still struggles hard with breaking the attachment to me as her mom & to mom as her friend. From my emotional POV, they are both my children, in very different ways.

LR - if you mean Brene's Parenting Manifesto?... I have never been able to read it without crying. Not once. Not silently, not out loud. That IC inside of me needed to hear that, needs to know it & accept it. I saw a video of Brene reading it during an interview once & I sobbed & sobbed - this is her parenting heart on paper, what a gift to all of us. I believe when I get to the point when I CAN read it without tears, that part of me will be closer to healed.

Butterfly - YES! I definitely have my own toolkit of sorts. I have a couple of small accent tables around my house that I've picked up at garage sales over the last few years & in their drawers & shelves I have stored the things I want to always have close by - so when I have one of "those" moments, I don't have to think hard about what will help - I only have to reach out in any direction... things are never too far away.

It is things like recovery-specific stuff: books I'm currently reading, my journal, a bookmark-sized summary of the "4 Agreements" & "Who Moved My Cheese", my pencils/crayons/mandala coloring books, a recovery checklist with Buzzwords (to remind me to HALT, recognize JADEing, "let them fall", sit with uncomfortable feelings, etc.). CD's of meditation music & crystal bowl/chakra recordings from my meditation teacher. It is also physical stuff - my yoga straps & blocks, hand weights, hand massagers that I can use to undo knots in my shoulders/legs; face/hair masks, pedicure supplies, etc. Exercise is a big help in my recovery so I have a basket on one of the shelves with 2 complete sets of workout clothing ready to go - no excuses. I have a collection of small wooden boxes & eclectic ceramic dishes that hold a few of my favorite chocolates scattered randomly around these tables. (Just a couple of pieces, not entire packages -those stay in the freezer to be doled out for refills.) I have my crystals, stones, essential oils, candles, I could keep going. I keep my youtube app loaded with my favorite mediations, binaural beats & TED talks. I have an app on my phone specifically for chakra tones - so I am only ever an app-tap away from something I can connect with.

One thing that has popped up since I brought all this up here is that it's obvious mom is also holding us accountable to unrealistic expectations. She wants the 2 of us & our small, busy families to somehow replace her enormous FOO - so even when we comply we fall short of meeting her expectations because we can't recreate that missing feeling of being surrounded by a ton of people. {and it's just an illusion anyway!} Her own FOO & my dad's were huge - weekly Sunday dinners, ongoing holidays, weekends, etc. with dozens & dozens & dozens of people gathering. She does not appreciate the way we spend time because we don't do these BIG events, even for most holidays. I spent 3+ hrs with her alone a few weeks ago, garage sales, just running around doing small stuff. We had a good time & I had specifically MADE time for this because she had seemed really down & I didn't want to punish her for the internal work *I* was doing; trying to not isolate away from her for the wrong reasons.

When I dropped her at home, with one foot in & one foot out of the van, she turned to me in that victim tone & lamented that maybe after I return from my biz trip the following week we could start getting together again? What? What did we just do? It doesn't "count" because it's just me - not the whole family together in the same place, doing the same thing? If my sister, DD, RAH, niece & nephew aren't there, the time has no value? And in alllll that time we "didn't spend together" you don't bring this up except as a passive aggressive drive-by comment as you are leaving, dumping your crap on my doorstep, again? I was furious, let her know & told her I didn't appreciate being minimized like that.

It reminded me of when I was 13 & she gave me a card that said, "I love you even when I don't like you". (gee, wonder why I interpret love to include obligation & guilt?)

Butterfly

Firesprite do we have the same mother!! Mine is so good at the passive aggressive comments that leave you feeling of not being enough and guilty for not being the perfect child!!!

I just watched 2 ted talks with Berne brown on vulnerability and shame, gotta say very good, even had me crying when I thought about what she was saying. Will definitely be looking at her books. Thanks firesprite

DesertEyes

Done stickied under Classic Reading

Mike

biminiblue

My mother continued to say stuff like that too. In one of the last times I spoke to her she said, "I always loved you, I just didn't like you."

They have a deep need for something we can't fill, that's what I came to think. Not only that - only God can fill it.

I had to stop reacting to my mother in order to heal myself. She was going to continue to do what she did and I always felt awful afterwards if I engaged her. She would play the, "It's not me it's you," card, and I would spend three days feeling bad afterwards.

I can't tell you how free I felt the first time I let it go when she said something like that. I just didn't react. For the record, I had planned that ahead of time - "Do not engage." For me, recovery is about finding a way to hold onto my peace and serenity no matter what others do. It's letting the music play, but not dancing.

Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult. ~Proverbs 12:16

Refiner

And how do you know she has seizures during her sleep if she's emotionally overwhelmed? She must have told you that? I have something similar that happens to me yet I can't divulge what it is that happens to me while I sleep. That is mine to deal with and mine only. I only have my husband as someone who "should care" yet there is NO way I would dump my garbage from my past on him. Shame on her for backing up the proverbial garbage truck to you and dumping the bed. Boundaries are your friend!

FireSprite

Refiner - when my mom remarried, my stepdad was the one to catch these incidences happening. She never knew anything had occurred, she just woke feeling very exhausted, heavy & foggy & described it as that aura feeling that often comes before a migraine. She's undergone tons of neurological testing & sleep studies (for that & apnea) & they've never been able to find a physical reason for it. It has ONLY ever happened in sleep & probably started around the time my dad was dx with cancer. I'm the one that pointed out the bigger picture & was able to connect the dots to the emotional issues she was dealing with at the corresponding times. Her doctors said they could offer no other explanation.

Great advice Bimini - I really appreciate your shares. I am shocked at how incredibly vulnerable this all makes me feel. I'm connecting how that has to be due to turning this corner between the way I used to handle it & not being able to un-see what I know now - I can still see down both hallways & have to force myself to walk in that new direction. Uncomfortable, no familiarity at all. But then again, not really. I've been down this hallway before, I just got here through a different doorway. Adjust my recovery sails a few degrees to navigate these waters using the same tools I already know.... gotcha.

Keep going Butterfly - this shame stuff is BOUND to help you based on what you've opened up & shared with us here at SR. I am positive you won't be sorry if you spend the time to read her earlier works.

Thank you ALL. It's all sinking in, downloading - wiring new synaptical routes. I need to stop accepting the garbage - just because it's arriving in a different package doesn't mean it's any different than the same old garbage. I don't need to be especially lenient in regards to her SA so long as I do respect that it exists & her healing will always be a work in a progress. Work that she HAS TO CHOOSE to do for herself. None of it means she doesn't love me (I KNOW she does) or that she's consciously trying to hurt me; but that also doesn't imply permission to dump all over me OR that I have a duty to Accept it.

SR is my #1 on my Gratitude List today ~ I've gone further in mentally unwinding this (like knotted old strings of holiday lights) than I would have/had been on my own. I feel 10x stronger about seeing her tomorrow for our Labor Day BBQ & much more confident I will enjoy myself regardless of her emotional grid.

biminiblue

Well, I think it feels like abandoning them - and most of us are super sensitive to abandonment issues. Or at least I was.

I felt like I was being mean to my mother. I was raised to help others. Yeah, how'd that work for ya, bim? As a sensitive person I tried to make everything okay for everyone. I almost died because of my need to "make" everyone happy (including psychoanalyzing and "treating" my mother's issues.) Once I truly accepted that I couldn't change anyone but myself - I was there.

I didn't lose her. As a matter of fact, only when I stopped reacting to her barbs did she finally start complimenting me and being kind. I'm sure on some level she understood the shift in me. Whatever it was - when I let go she stood up just fine without me. It was a definite lightbulb moment for me. "Ohhhhhh. You mean, I let go and she comes closer?" Weird.

Refiner

Sounds like a great path to take, FS. For what it's worth, my husband says I talk, yell (incoherently) and thrash in my sleep. Maybe that's why your stepdad thinks it's seizures (but I know it's not with me). God bless.