Feeling hopeless, looking for success stories!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Nyinabo 
The bit about your DD is amazing to hear and so encouraging! Openness and providing kids with the tools they need to manage are almost as crucial as love I think.
Part of the reason I'm not too enthralled at the prospect of just getting up and leaving (which is very tempting I have to say) is that I am no angel. I have my own issues stemming from my own family which, although they are not as in-your-face as the alcoholism, are certainly as damaging. There is no guarantee that leaving my husband would ensure a happy stable childhood for my kids. From what I've seen so far (we're only 3 years into parenting) he provides them with what I lack and vice versa. I imagine that, if I left, the stress of trying to bring them up alone would bring out the worst in me and I would have defeated the object of leaving.
Does that make sense??
Part of the reason I'm not too enthralled at the prospect of just getting up and leaving (which is very tempting I have to say) is that I am no angel. I have my own issues stemming from my own family which, although they are not as in-your-face as the alcoholism, are certainly as damaging. There is no guarantee that leaving my husband would ensure a happy stable childhood for my kids. From what I've seen so far (we're only 3 years into parenting) he provides them with what I lack and vice versa. I imagine that, if I left, the stress of trying to bring them up alone would bring out the worst in me and I would have defeated the object of leaving.
Does that make sense??
My success story is that I got my children and myself away from an abusive alcoholic home and that I started working on the issues that led me to choose that relationship in the first place. Alanon has been very beneficial for me, along with therapy and reading and posting here at SR.
I also had to redefine what success meant, and my story is still in progress, but so far so good. The boys and I are definitely in a better place than we were a few years ago when active alcoholism was the dominant force in all of our lives.
I have personally known a couple of women in Alanon who remained in marriages with active alcoholics and were relatively content. Basically they live a totally separate life from their husband and have zero expectations of him or their marriage. They survive by practicing Defcon 5 level detachment. Not sure how their children fared, though.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by happybeingme
Knowing how your life is right now, since that is all you can depend on I have to ask why do you want to stay? What are the positives that are outweighing the negatives?
Positives:
Maybe a third of the time we are really very nice to each other (and indifferent to each other about another third of the time).
Our kids adore him and get many things from him that they don't from me...learning how to take risks, a lot of physical activity, patience and humour to name a few.
I get breaks from parenting...which make me a better parent.
I am learning detachment and how not to control people, which are essential in any relationship, and I might stop learning if I am no longer tested. Ok that one sounds a little like I'm scraping the barrel.
Negatives:
The last third of the time we are not very nice to each other.
The kids have seen ugly behaviour and big rows. My oldest shouts at my youngest (I know this is normal toddler behaviour but I do worry that she is learning her coping techniques from me).
I get the feeling I could have a better relationship than this. However this is not a given seeing as I also have my own issues which I need to do some serious work on.
That's all I can think of for now. The usual house, money bla bla bla don't really apply to me as I am financially independent and the house is in my name. Plus I don't really care about material things, I just want my children to be happy and healthy.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
When I still lived with my mate, the following went on:
1. I drank with him in hopes that I could influence him into sobriety
2. I would have told you I was "happy," and genuinely believed that I was.
3. I would fantasize loading up what belongings I could manage and my cat into my 40 year old station wagon and leaving for Florida.
4. I would fantasize leaving in the middle of the night and fleeing to the country or my office.
Since I quit drinking (he still drinks), I see things a lot more realistically. One thing I am keenly aware of now is how nasty he is to me. I don;t know if this is worse, or if I didn't see it then due to my own drinking.
Do I still miss him? You bet! Do I think it would be good to go back under the circumstances? No, what for?
You describe your mate being nice about 30 percent of the time. Do you really want to live like this? Only you can decide.
Keep coming back. and thanks for sharing.
1. I drank with him in hopes that I could influence him into sobriety
2. I would have told you I was "happy," and genuinely believed that I was.
3. I would fantasize loading up what belongings I could manage and my cat into my 40 year old station wagon and leaving for Florida.
4. I would fantasize leaving in the middle of the night and fleeing to the country or my office.
Since I quit drinking (he still drinks), I see things a lot more realistically. One thing I am keenly aware of now is how nasty he is to me. I don;t know if this is worse, or if I didn't see it then due to my own drinking.
Do I still miss him? You bet! Do I think it would be good to go back under the circumstances? No, what for?
You describe your mate being nice about 30 percent of the time. Do you really want to live like this? Only you can decide.
Keep coming back. and thanks for sharing.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Actually if your child is shouting at the other in anger or frustration that is not normal toddler behavior. Our kids model our behavior. This will continue and worsen over time. It will also spillover into school behavior.
The kids are learning that mommy shouts, cries, bangs and nags.
Daddy, shouts, stomps, ignores ,belittles.
If they are boys they will learn that this is acceptable male behavior and either disdain you or pity you as weak and helpless.
If they are girls they learn that men are drunks and bullies and girls are helpless to this behavior. If you have one of each split it down the middle. That is what kids learn in an alcoholic home. I am an adult child of alcoholism and family dysfunction. I know all about how to be helpless, a victim, a martyr. I know all about how to put everyone including my parents before my own best self interest. I suffer from clinical depression and am a recovering alcoholic myself.
The kids are learning that mommy shouts, cries, bangs and nags.
Daddy, shouts, stomps, ignores ,belittles.
If they are boys they will learn that this is acceptable male behavior and either disdain you or pity you as weak and helpless.
If they are girls they learn that men are drunks and bullies and girls are helpless to this behavior. If you have one of each split it down the middle. That is what kids learn in an alcoholic home. I am an adult child of alcoholism and family dysfunction. I know all about how to be helpless, a victim, a martyr. I know all about how to put everyone including my parents before my own best self interest. I suffer from clinical depression and am a recovering alcoholic myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by happybeingme
Actually if your child is shouting at the other in anger or frustration that is not normal toddler behavior. Our kids model our behavior. This will continue and worsen over time. It will also spillover into school behavior.
The kids are learning that mommy shouts, cries, bangs and nags.
Daddy, shouts, stomps, ignores ,belittles.
If they are boys they will learn that this is acceptable male behavior and either disdain you or pity you as weak and helpless.
If they are girls they learn that men are drunks and bullies and girls are helpless to this behavior. If you have one of each split it down the middle. That is what kids learn in an alcoholic home. I am an adult child of alcoholism and family dysfunction. I know all about how to be helpless, a victim, a martyr. I know all about how to put everyone including my parents before my own best self interest. I suffer from clinical depression and am a recovering alcoholic myself.
The kids are learning that mommy shouts, cries, bangs and nags.
Daddy, shouts, stomps, ignores ,belittles.
If they are boys they will learn that this is acceptable male behavior and either disdain you or pity you as weak and helpless.
If they are girls they learn that men are drunks and bullies and girls are helpless to this behavior. If you have one of each split it down the middle. That is what kids learn in an alcoholic home. I am an adult child of alcoholism and family dysfunction. I know all about how to be helpless, a victim, a martyr. I know all about how to put everyone including my parents before my own best self interest. I suffer from clinical depression and am a recovering alcoholic myself.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we can't realistically cut people into thirds. or halves. or fifths.
that is called compartmentalizing and a trait of those who suffer abuse.
Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.
Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.
that is called compartmentalizing and a trait of those who suffer abuse.
Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.
Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
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Originally Posted by Nyinabo
I've just read through absolutely loads of posts from people who have gone through the same thing as me and now I feel completely hopeless because it seems that there is only one way this can possibly go.
Is there anyone out there who has a success story of managing to stay married to an alcoholic and remain sane and bring up their kids to be normal human beings who do not have major issues?!
Is there anyone out there who has a success story of managing to stay married to an alcoholic and remain sane and bring up their kids to be normal human beings who do not have major issues?!
To live with someone who's got this going on,
I'd have to have separate finances, separate spaces,
separate schedules, separate cars.
I even need "separate everything" to get along with my other who DOESN'T have any issues. Just the fact we need to do things our own way on our own time, we stay sane by remaining independent people.
When we get together and share space, share dinner, share money for groceries etc. we agree who pays for what and which thing we are going to do together. For all our other things, we do ourselves.
If it takes separate tracks to deal with two normal people, I can only imagine you need that to stay sane when the other person is unpredictable and an emotional roller coaster and drain.
For the kids, I would honestly treat it like raising the kids yourself, and the kids maintaining a relationship with someone who is like stuck in a hospital undergoing massive procedures. They need to have a connection and personal relationship with him, but all the conditions he is going through will keep them apart until he stabilizes all that.
Like having a loved on in the military and can't be in touch physically, but emotionally the love is still there, and the support to finish the stint they are going through.
I would not depend on this person except to go through their process, up and down, in and out, round and round. So I would set it up where you are prepared to support yourself and the kids on your own, similar to a single parent, and anything positive or normal you get from this guy is like icing on the cake. If someone is going through addiction and recovery that takes all their priority, so I would not count on or depend on that.
I would set it up where you can make it with or without him, regardless if he is coming or going, up or down, on or off the wagon.
Sorry you have to deal with this.
My mother was suddenly left with 6 kids to put through school and through college, when my dad suddenly collapsed from a stroke,
and she had to make it without any preparation, so I totally sympathize, respect and admire you and your kids for dealing with this the best you can. Just like a sick person in the hospital, I wouldn't count on him to be able to carry his own; so just make sure you can carry your own and then get help of family and friends with the kids until they can manage. We didn't do so well trying to make it, and my young siblings suffered terribly without our dad there, so it isn't going to be easy on the kids and anything you get is a bonus. With my dad, he wasn't able to be there AT ALL so the resentment over the loss affected the younger kids who didn't have as much time with dad during their most critical years and we never quite made up for that.
You can only do the best you can, and understand if he is sick he has got to get his own act together before he can function fully. So you are better off not expecting much from him, work it out yourself, and let him focus on getting himself straight first. Sorry for this, you have my sincerest prayers, support and respect and at least your kids will learn from you what responsibility is and how much they have to help and contribute as well to make it easier on you while he is unstable.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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It's true, it hurts but it's true. Would you be ok with your kids settling for a 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 type of relationship? I do believe that everyone gets to define what makes them happy, but there's a difference between "it works" & "it's good/happy". Do you know how thirds translates to kids? "In the middle of a problem" - "Getting over a problem" & "Getting ready to have a problem".
What you are describing is what my life WAS like, for a while. It's also part of why RAH & I spent 2.5 yrs living separately while he spiraled, unwilling to jump off the merry-go-round. Eventually I got fed up with accepting unacceptable behavior & hated what I was modeling in my behavior for DD. The confusion, the arguments, the stress, watching me always reacting - ugh. She was about 5.
It's been a long road for us - finally into recovery 2 yrs he relapsed ridiculously & I realized he'd been playing an amazing game of pretend - saying all the right things but none of the underlying, root behaviors had changed. But in his relapse he finally found humility so the almost 2 yrs since then has been much more uphill..... slow but steady for both of us because I'd been facing my ACoA issues in many ways alongside it as well. (Educating myself brought new understanding, making me bring out some of that crap & shine a different light on it.)
The biggest unknown is the progression - how fast for him? How much warning between "stages"? How much will you go through on the way there... dui's, lost job opportunities - this board is filled with experiences of rapid change in so-called HFA's. I've seen it IRL so many times - watching my stepdad go through it right now. Is your Plan B strong enough for the unpredictable? THOSE are the questions that have no answers but that you have to face. (((((hugs))))
What you are describing is what my life WAS like, for a while. It's also part of why RAH & I spent 2.5 yrs living separately while he spiraled, unwilling to jump off the merry-go-round. Eventually I got fed up with accepting unacceptable behavior & hated what I was modeling in my behavior for DD. The confusion, the arguments, the stress, watching me always reacting - ugh. She was about 5.
It's been a long road for us - finally into recovery 2 yrs he relapsed ridiculously & I realized he'd been playing an amazing game of pretend - saying all the right things but none of the underlying, root behaviors had changed. But in his relapse he finally found humility so the almost 2 yrs since then has been much more uphill..... slow but steady for both of us because I'd been facing my ACoA issues in many ways alongside it as well. (Educating myself brought new understanding, making me bring out some of that crap & shine a different light on it.)
The biggest unknown is the progression - how fast for him? How much warning between "stages"? How much will you go through on the way there... dui's, lost job opportunities - this board is filled with experiences of rapid change in so-called HFA's. I've seen it IRL so many times - watching my stepdad go through it right now. Is your Plan B strong enough for the unpredictable? THOSE are the questions that have no answers but that you have to face. (((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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He isn't an active alcoholic but neither is he a recovering alcoholic. He is not in any groups and he doesn't want to be. His behaviour is sometimes still like that of an alcoholic and I think this is what is called a dry drunk??
Can behaviour improve just by not drinking? Or is a program always needed?
Can behaviour improve just by not drinking? Or is a program always needed?
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Nyinabo, I don't think kids should have to learn ways to manage or cope with an alcoholic parents. That isn't really fair, because they are kids that deserve to be doing kid things.
Just my two cents. Agree with everyone here that I don't think kids could grow up unaffected in some way if living with an active alcoholic. And even if they weren't affected, they don't deserve to deal with it anyway.
I can see where you are coming from about seeing the positives in your marriage and the relationship too, he may get worse though. Is he receptive to seeking help?
Just my two cents. Agree with everyone here that I don't think kids could grow up unaffected in some way if living with an active alcoholic. And even if they weren't affected, they don't deserve to deal with it anyway.
I can see where you are coming from about seeing the positives in your marriage and the relationship too, he may get worse though. Is he receptive to seeking help?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
No, a formal program is not needed but there needs to be real dedication to doing things differently. Learning how to cope with emotions without turning to alcohol to deal. For me I never followed a formal program but absolutely needed to connect with others who knew what I was going through and were willing to help me navigate through life in a healthy manner.
You are saying he quit and that's it? I know people like that. Their family lives have improved to a degree but only superficially. As examples they are steadily employed, bills are getting paid etc. But intimacy, emotional dependability is still lacking. At least the relationships I know are like this.
You are saying he quit and that's it? I know people like that. Their family lives have improved to a degree but only superficially. As examples they are steadily employed, bills are getting paid etc. But intimacy, emotional dependability is still lacking. At least the relationships I know are like this.
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