ScottFromWI

So why not quit drinking and start taking it seriously? You won't be able to get honest with her until you get honest with yourself.

EndGameNYC

Yup. And when that doesn't happen, can you see the easy connection that our alcoholic thinking can make between this and it being her fault that this does not occur? Lying to my ex became routine for me. I lied to myself so much during our relationship that I surrendered, stop believing myself, and finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn't even trust my own thinking. Once you see what's behind the curtain, there's no way to unsee it.

I feel like I'm watching a cheesy horror flick, screaming "Don't go into the basement!" We used to call them "scary movies" when I was a kid. Yeah, scary movie.

You've gotta come clean, man. It's the only way, and the right thing to do. If you think your fear around being honest with her is bad, wait until you start wondering when she'll get around to changing the locks. Or worse, when she just doesn't care anymore.

PennyLane76

I see nothing in your original post that you plan to stop drinking, that is concerning. No one can fix us, we have to want to fix ourselves, to commit to fix ourselves, to do whatever it takes. Doesnt seem you are there, so I do feel bad for this unsuspecting woman. Doesn't she deserve the truth? She can decide what.to do from there.

Weasel1966

You have sane minds telling the true here. We hear the truth or we make it up. I hope you hear.

AnvilheadII

please don't snow her into this living together arrangement and then make her responsible for your sobriety on top of that. totally unfair. SHE won't make you stop, YOU make you stop. it's time to stop lying to your partner..............

Carver

^^^ awesome!

I think she needs to know what she's letting herself in for. Then she can make an informed decision.

Dee74

There's some rteally great advice here Less.

I ended up hurting the ones I didn't want to hurt the most...not once but twice.

You could make this a turning point, if you want it to be.

But...if you want to keep on drinking (or if you don't want to take any remedial action, which results in the same thing) please change your plans. Talk to your gf and break your lease - believe me It's nothing compared to the destruction that might be...you'd be doing your gf a favour.

D

Berrybean

If you're not ready to work on your sobriety ,I see it that the choice is to either break the lease, or risk breaking your girlfriend. SO many people in this world have been damaged emotionally by the alcoholics in their lives - partners and parents.

I suspect that you are still in that stage of thinking that your case is different; that there must be some way that you can find to normalise your drinking; and that, after all, there are others who drink worse than you who don't stop drinking. Sometimes our supposed intelligence works against us, because we use it as evidence that we know best, and that all these idiots giving advise - well, they know nothing!
I can honestly say that in the last 18 months I have learnt more than I did in my four years at Cambridge University. From other alcoholics on here, and in the rooms of AA. But not until I was ready to learn. And for that I needed to have conceded to my alcohol problems, and be ready to be honest, open and willing. Something about your posts isn't screaming 'HOW' at me.

lessgravity

Going back and reading through this reminded me of so many things.

I'm luck I made it out of this mess I got into with the woman who was my gf, now my wife and mother of my daughter and step-mother to my son.

There was lots of advice here at the time - perhaps too much "you must reveal who you are/break the lease" - I did neither at the time. Not that I didn't suffer, and cause suffering, for many years after this post. I'm not writing this as a told-you-so to those people who responded with thought and care and concern. I'm just saying that sometimes we have to follow our own lights.

Fearlessat50

Yes, sometimes we have to learn from our own experiences. I think, for me, the advice I received early on was not lost. It sat in my subconscious until I was ready to start piecing everything together and using it, even if in my own way.

Glad you got through it.

It’s a wonderful life sober!

Zebra1275

Know I should quit entirely and walk the sober line but scared to have to tell her.

As I see it you have 2 options that might work.

1. Tell her you have drinking problem and start a recovery program of your choosing.

2. Don't tell her you have drinking problem, and start a recovery program of your choosing. She is going to wonder though, why you no longer drink.

A 3rd option which which will not work is to do nothing, try to moderate your drinking when she is around and hope for the best. (And probably have a blow out drinking episode if she ever leaves overnight on business).

This option will not work, especially long term. She is a smart lady, the only one you are going to fool with your drinking behavior, is yourself.

Atlast9999

trailmix

I've read a lot of your posts Less, I have to say you have a lot of wisdom. This post I don't get.

I don't know how anyone would take this as an "I told you so" comment, - I caused people a lot of suffering - isn't really something anyone would want to emulate, I would hope.

If I had a dollar for every spouse that posted in F&F who didn't know their spouse/SO was an alcoholic and they are now at a loss as to what to do - well I could buy myself a really nice dinner.