Bernadette777

So I saw a picture of exABf, he looked so different. He slimmed down, different hair/look. Looked good. Yes, there was a picture of a beer in the photo- in front of him. tell me even if the outside changed - the mess is the same. 3 years ago tonight we went out & he got wasted drunk - we met some of his "friends" and he got filled with shots of booze. We went for a bite afterwards for him to "sober" up and his behavior at the burger place was disgusting how he spoke to people. I was so embarrassed. When he drove me home, I got out of the car, my "goodnight" really meant goodbye. I didn't call the next day - he texted me the next day actually. We went out for a few more months- made it about 10 months/ then we faded out. He promised we'd get back together, I tried to be supportive as he went through family issues. But in the end we faded. I know - I know it's better for me this way. But, he looked thinner (not that his weight ever bothered me) and he looked content. I guess what hurts is if he did get it together, why didn't he let me know. I would be happy for him. I don't know if he has gotten it together or not, I'm going off of single photo. I just wanted to get this off my chest, I apologize SR family, I know to let him be. I just needed a little help in the middle of the night here. I guess my feelings are "if he got it together, why didn't he want to reconvene with me?" He looked like the loner he is with the drink. Any thoughts? Love you SR family. Xo Bernadette 777

LexieCat

He's gone on with his life, as you have, yours. Maybe he's met someone new. If he's "better" then good for him. If he isn't (and you can't tell a thing from one picture), then you're well away from the "mess."

hopeful4

Sweetie.......there was a beer in the photo. Do you really think he has "gotten it together?"

Thing is, and I know you know this, photos don't tell a whole story.

Many hugs, it's good to hear from you. Take care!

jjj111

Maybe he lost weight because he's been drinking and not eating properly? Is there a way to not go looking at his pics? Photos can be very evocative. I have one ex who I used to google periodically to see what he's up to--his profession makes him easy to find. Seeing his pic would always send me for a spiral of missing him. I finally had to give it up.

knowthetriggers

It was just a picture - no telling what he looked like AFTER he had more of those beers.

Looks can be deceiving, especially a photo.

Just saying....

LifeRecovery

Bernadette-

I really struggled with this (and still do to an extent).

I make up elaborate stories based on someone's "outsides" like a picture, and then I compare them to my insides (which may be an emotional mess because I saw the picture). They never match up and I always come up somehow looking less than.

I had to stop looking at that kind of stuff and stop myself from spinning out. For me this is part of No Contact = No new hurts, even if it not direct communication he is still taking up a lot of space in your head.

atalose

Let’s say for the sake of argument that he has gotten it together, what would make you think that you should be notified by him of that fact? Is it because a drunk told you some sob story about his family and once those issues were taken care of you would get back together? Could he have said that to you to let you down easy?

The thing about alcoholics is, they already have a strong relationship, one that no other person can compete with or push away or interfere with……the bottle. And nothing and no one is going to come between them.

You would always be the third person, coming in last in that or any other relationship with an alcoholic.

It sounds like you are not in a happy place in life if you are dwelling on a relationship that’s been over for 3 years and all because of a picture?

A picture is worth a thousand words…….and this supposedly all pulled together slim alcoholic has his most prized possession, his deepest love shown right there with him…………..a bottle of booze!!!

Bernadette777

Thank you all for your support - I thought so too about his weight loss / between booze & a substance or two, I wouldn't doubt it. The pix was shown to me. Wish I never saw it. Thanks guys. I remember seeing how he looked after a night out, that's what I need to remember. It was the first time I "saw" him after we faded out. Took my breath away.

maia1234

B- Life of an alcoholic is not pretty. Go on to the new to recovery or alcoholism forum. These people struggle, (if that will make you feel better). We all feel your pain and we all get it. You are not alone. Hugs my friend, take one day at a time!!

Bernadette777

I love you guys, thank you for taking the time to read, feel, hear my voice and respond. I'm so grateful to God above that SR is here. He looks soooo different. Shaved his head and everything. It's not that im in a unhappy place in life God forbid, it's just the shock, first time I saw him via a photo. Tonight is the anniversary of when I saw the real alcoholic come out, it made me scared, sick & very turned off. I just have to hold on to that feeling and not romanticize when he was wonderful to me. I regret not reveling in the affection when he was that way, I thought it was to good to be true- I was right. Then it took some time to realize that I can't fix him, I accept that. I miss the very beginning of the relationship. Now, I just will focus on accepting how that is done with him and his promise to get back together was just another lie. Thank you, thank you all. Huge hugs to you all ! Just remind me that the drink & drugs are his first love. It keeps it all in perspective for me. Bernadette

maia1234

B- We don't have to stop loving our A's in our life. I am divorced after 34 years together. My heart aches for my XAH. I can still love him, just from a distance. It makes me feel like I haven't abandoned him. There is a lot of us here, that have to love from a distance and its ok, we will all be ok.

Hugs my friend, keep reading!!

Bernadette777

Thank you Maia, it's funny as I'm putting away dishes & making the kitchen presentable as if Chef Ramsay himself would walk in the kitchen tomorrow ... I'm thinking to myself about the date he & I went on tonight 3 years ago. This may sound nutty, but I'm telling myself remember the horrendous night that was, I was so afraid of his driving- I thought I wasn't going to make it home. I was soooo happy when i got to my house & saw that old shrubbery and lawn. I was thinking about all the responses to my thread and how all of you are correct. I think what bothers me is that I couldn't say the goodbye i wanted to say to my exABf. If it's over then let's be adults about it. - that's my thinking, but I'm not under the influence. Did I mention he also has a chemical imbalance, big tough guy, angry too- it was probably a matter of time before me & my teeth went flying- here's a question- do people under the influence of alcohol or drugs even realize how their drugs effect their moods and in turn effect the relationships with us not under the influence. I'm sorry that your heart aches too. I wonder if they in a unselfish minute of their lives ever feel their hearts hurt too.? He told me, " I found you" on the second date- see it was so charming at first. Ahhh- same merry go round! I was enjoying my freedom, got to get back there. Thank you Maia & all. Oh, one other question... Can alcohol make a person thin? Thank you Maia and all! !

jjj111

One thing I did in the aftermath of my breakup from my last AXBF was to think about red flags. I realized that I had missed a lot of them in the early days of our relationship. One common red flag, I've learned, is when things get very romantic very quickly, or when someone seems to feel a dramatic connection with you before they really know you. People who move this quickly are often looking to distract themselves from other problems in their life and don't have the maturity to take their time and truly get to know someone before falling for them. It's a form of thrill-seeking. I've been easily swept away in the past, but I've realized that this reflects on my own maturity at the time. I hope in the future to have the patience to truly get to know people before deciding if they are good romantic prospects.

Bernadette777

J,

Wow, that's so true, I felt that "speeded up mode" from him from the very beginning. In fact 3 weeks in to the whole relationship, I remember crying because I felt so smothered. I knew I was his replacement for his attempt at giving up smoking his plants...I went in to the whole relationship with one foot at a time.,,he went in head first. Me, I take relationships slowly. Red flags were up, I was just trying to stay open to something new. His maturity level for a person in his late 30's is that if a 18 year old - 25 year old. His friends were more important than anything. I will know in my heart that when he asked me out- he was at the peak of a manic tidal wave- he even told me when he quit smoking in September that,"I'm going to be really cranky in a few weeks" I knew he was telling me he felt the depressive side approaching to his mental illness. I tried to be supportive & got his counseling numbers - it didn't work. I tried to make it work, but deep down., I knew, I think we all do. I feel like I was dismissed by his mental illness, his drugs & booze. Translation: ALWAYS LISTEN TO TOUR INTUITION. Thank you for your insight. Big hugs to you! Bernie!

maia1234

B- I know you don't feel you said a proper goodbye. I hate to say, I am sure you have not heard the last from him. They say it is pretty hard to get "rid" of an A. I know you are asking about being adult about it. You have to understand that dealing with A's, there is nothing adult about it. One A stated on the alcoholism forum "This is not a healthy adult male you're dealing with. It's "His Majesty the Child" as Bill Wilson said in the AA big book. Also known as the King Baby. Basically the mindset of a toddler (me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, I want, I want, I want) trapped in a grown man's body. Not relationship material, as you (and many of us here) have sadly discovered."

Also, here are a few other quotes that I borrow to repost....

most alcoholics are riddled with guilt and shame (they seldom admit it).

You are walking away from unhappiness and into stability that you are creating for yourself. Don't romanticize his life, he was a mess then and he will be a mess in the future. Difference is, you won't!

Another thing, my XAH has gotten really skinny since we divorced. He says that is the same weight but everyone says stuff to him. I feel he would rather drink his calories then eat. Not to be gross but he has had chronic diarrhea for the last 20 years anyway so vitamins really mean nothing anyway.

Hugs my friend, you learn something new everyday!!

Bernadette777

Maia !

I can't thank you enough for that. It puts it into so much perspective. Im so thankful to God for the wonderful, helpful & kind souls like yourself & all on SR. It's true you learn something new everyday. Thank The Lord for that. I remember the insanity with him, if he hasn't gotten help (example: beer in picture in front of him) probably not then--- well, I thought he was crazy at times - if it's progressive -it must have gotten more crazy. Plus his millionaire buddy /enabler #1 has a lot of $ to cover their tracks.
Best not to think too much about it. You're right, so right, a big baby/ no adult level & clear headed thinking with him. The heart is a wild factor sometimes then we realize we deserve so much better. Thanks Maia! Much love & hugs to you!

maia1234

Keep reading B, you will eventually get there. You crawl today, baby steps tomorrow and run in the future!!

emilynghiem

Dear Bernadette
I don't think it is any judgment on you what he does or does not do to get his life together or not.

With some friends they have told me I did more for them to get through difficult changes in life than their romantic partners, whether spouses or boyfriends/girlfriends, and I was just a platonic friend.

Which people we walk with through spiritual stages in life may or may not be romantic partners.

I would not try to evaluate things that way.

I see each person as a unique soul, and so is the relationship connecting two souls unique to those two people. I don't see how you can really compare one person to another, or one relationship to another.

I just try to make the most of whatever connection I have with each person I cross paths with in life, and focus on what makes our relationship or connection unique. Whatever that turns out to be.
I don't think I control what we do or don't have in common, so I am not going to judge people for connecting or not. I just try to deal with what we do have to work with.

I trust if you and he do not have any further connection, then you and he will find that with other people and that's just how it is. If there is some interaction you are meant to share, that will happen also.

If you are genuinely interested in knowing how he is doing, and what he's gone through since you last connected, I see no harm in asking. I learn a lot from changes I go through or other people go through, so I tend to study this myself, especially changes in perception that I find fascinating. If you are curious, why not ask.

Bernadette777

Hi Emily,
Thank you for your insightful response, I appreciate your thoughts. I'm afraid he'll be cold or not even respond to a "how's you" text. I despise alcohol & substances for what it does to people, relationships, families, & friends.