Step 9
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3
Step 9
My boyfriend of 3 years now is on step 9 and is talking about making amends to me. I'm confused as I want him to feel safe and lovesound doing so but he has already started saying I don't get to ask questions and how unfair it is he has to be honest and only dont?? I am scared to hear but more scared of him doing it half way and deprivation of the freedom of guilt he could have. Bit I feeling I need to prepare for the truth. How do I prepare?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3
Why am I worried about history step 9
Can't I expect to be free of it too? Why am I worried that it will be hard for him to finally set me free from all the lies yet I was the one hurt??? Like I have his recovery on my shoulders based on my forgiveness?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You DON'T have his recovery on your shoulders.
Step 9 only requires the offer of amends--it is supposed to be sincere, and to be done ONLY if it will not harm you or anyone else. Many, many alcoholics I know in AA have had their offer of amends turned down--some politely, some not-so.
And if he's feeling it's "unfair" and complaining to YOU about it, then he isn't ready to do it. He's checking off a "box" rather than sincerely wanting to make right what he's done wrong. He is right, though, that it isn't an interrogation session. He isn't required to confess everything he's ever done wrong to you.
You can tell him you don't think you're ready for this, or you can tell him you don't want to hear what he's done wrong, you just want him to do what's right from now on. However you handle it, though, you aren't responsible for his Step or his recovery.
Step 9 only requires the offer of amends--it is supposed to be sincere, and to be done ONLY if it will not harm you or anyone else. Many, many alcoholics I know in AA have had their offer of amends turned down--some politely, some not-so.
And if he's feeling it's "unfair" and complaining to YOU about it, then he isn't ready to do it. He's checking off a "box" rather than sincerely wanting to make right what he's done wrong. He is right, though, that it isn't an interrogation session. He isn't required to confess everything he's ever done wrong to you.
You can tell him you don't think you're ready for this, or you can tell him you don't want to hear what he's done wrong, you just want him to do what's right from now on. However you handle it, though, you aren't responsible for his Step or his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
My partner specifically told me that he didn't want to be told anything that would upset him as part of my Step 9. To be honest, my sponsor is very hot on the whole 'except when to do so would injure...' part of it all anyway. My amends to my partner are 'living amends'. I.e. me striving to be the best partner I can be for him, and not repeating past mistakes.
What would you WANT him to do to make amends to you? He may well ask.
What would you WANT him to do to make amends to you? He may well ask.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
We only share with them what will not hurt them.
I don't need to share with my wife something that will bring her pain.
Many people that I made amends to
I just shared that I knew and felt very bad about
many things that I had done wrong to them
let it go at that.
If I had sex with the neighbor
just to make myself feel good
I don't need to throw the neighbor under the bus.
MM
I don't need to share with my wife something that will bring her pain.
Many people that I made amends to
I just shared that I knew and felt very bad about
many things that I had done wrong to them
let it go at that.
If I had sex with the neighbor
just to make myself feel good
I don't need to throw the neighbor under the bus.
MM
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I take it that he has a sponsor who is guiding him through the steps??
If you're worried, it might help you feel less anxious to read a little about it. I think the AA '12 Steps and 12 Traditions' book explains it all very well.... http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step9.pdf
If you're worried, it might help you feel less anxious to read a little about it. I think the AA '12 Steps and 12 Traditions' book explains it all very well.... http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step9.pdf
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Why am I worried that it will be hard for him to finally set me free from all the lies yet I was the one hurt???
If you are still walking on egg shells around him and treating him like he’s a piece of fine china that could break any moment……………….that’s a sure sign you are not working your own recovery program.
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