nicole100

I found SR in January 2014 after a blackout disaster motivated me to do something about my drinking problem. In 2014 I spent about 3 months in a rehab then moved on to a halfway. That all said, I was not actually getting better. I didn't realize it at the time, but I wasn't very healthy. I had STILL not accepted that I was an alcoholic. Not in my heart. For me, my attitude and behaviors were the thing that led me to my isolation drinking in the first place.

Not surprisingly, I relapsed 9 months after I moved into the halfway. I then decided to end my life and drive my car into the Intercoastal Waterway. Yet, by divine intervention, I escaped disaster with y harm done. It was crazy. My car was totaled and I was absolutely physically fine. Ten days of the psych ward later, I moved into a new halfway. The financial stress of losing my job (I stopped going a couple days before the accident) and getting a car, etc left me so stressed out and miserable that I was drinking IN the halfway. For 3 weeks. I was drinking in the car and twice when the stress left me feeling like a panic attack was coming on, I drank a couple glasses of wine at lunch at my new job. CRAZY BEHAVIOR!!!

I admitted my actions yesterday to another resident here. I have not had a drink since then. I truly DO NOT want to drink anymore. It leads me to hanging out alone in my car feeling I might actually try to kill myself at any moment That's how miserable I become.

I went to the gym today and did laundry and am trying to place myself in the right headspace to get myself together.

I am also very overweight now - between all the wine, not moving much and eating at night...and just not taking great careof myself. I almost am not sure if the overweight or the alcoholic part of me is more discouraging.

I know I can live a happy, fulfilled life still. I just turned 40. I am single. No kids and live in a halfway house. And I'm fat. I kind of hate myself a lot when I think of things that way.

I'm just venting. If you're still reading, I WILL be successful yet. I do NOT want to live that horrible miserable life drinking and just barely existing.

nicole100

I know I put a lot in that post. All I really wanted to do was say hello to everyone. I'm excited to be back. ��

getright15

I feel your pain! I too have had the same thoughts of ending it all. I'm glad you're still here. I'm glad we're both still here. It sounds like you've gone through hell and back. I did the drinking at work, drinking in the car, drinking while driving, lost my last job due to a binge that led to my first of 3 DUI's. We can make it and prove we are bigger than the disease.

Keep pressing on as many have told me on here.

Zufrieden

Hi Nicole.
Welcome back and thanks for your post.
I'm sorry for your had times but there is resolution in your voice! Keep coming here and dig out. There is a ton of great stuff here every day that makes me feel less alone and more confident in my early sobriety.
I hope you find help here as well.
Jonathan

Bird615

Welcome back, nicole!
Stick around and keep posting.

AnvilheadII

welcome. one big thing at a time....keep working on the NOT drinking.....make that a permanent life change, then the rest will fall into place.

2muchpain

I know what it feels like to want to end it all. When I was in that state of mind, nobody could tell me things will get better. Somehow, I survived my attempts and I'm so glad I did. I've met many great people I would not of met. Been places and seen things that never would of happened. But I have also been through some real tough times also. But some of those tough times turned out to be a blessing, because good things happened because of them. Pain might be a part of life, but so is joy and happiness. Not drinking definitely increases the happiness part of life and lessens the negative experiences. I know everybody says life gets better when you quit drinking, but it really does. Take care of yourself. Remember, pain is a temporary state of mind. John

Hevyn

We're so glad to have you back, nicole. You sound more than ready for this big change. We know you can to it this time.

sleepie

I am glad you made it back Nicole.
I think to reach out as much as you can is a good idea.
There is a lot of support here, use it, we are with you

Dee74

I'm really sorry for what happened but I'm glad to see you again nicole
Welcome back

If you need help with a plan I know a lot of us will have suggestions

D

Lorax1981

Hi again-
When we focus on the bad and don't give ourselves any credit it's not fair. We all have something to offer and we all have some good in our lives. 40's the new 30 anyways:-) Good luck gettin back to it, we're pulling for ya!
-Ted

Soberwolf

Hi Nicole

FreeOwl

welcome back.

the nice thing about The Past is that it cannot stop you from building a New Tomorrow.

The gateway, of course.... is how you live TODAY.

sounds to me like you've made the right choice.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Nicole!! Great to have you here!!

labgirl

Hi Nicole. Thank you so much for your post. It was like reading so much of my own story.