healthyagain

I have so many mixed feelings. I know I did what I had to do. One part of me is happy, proud, looking forward to life, and very excited. The other part is devastated and asking why. We really really went through so much just to stay together. I guess I thought that because of that, he might stop drinking. On the other side, perhaps he thought that because of that, I would stay with him no matter what. My threats were not empty, my warnings were not manipulation. I knew in advance how ugly everything would be in the end if I file for divorce. I wanted to spare us the heartache hoping that he would understand the consequences too.

My heart breaks again this morning. I truly hope he decides to stop drinking and finds a treatment. Because he can be a lovable person, such a darling, and people do love him. But he pushes people away. If I got in trouble, I do not think he would ever be protective of me the way he protects his whiskey. Maybe this divorce makes him hit the bottom, or maybe he just keeps drinking and go deeper down.

But I did let go. And may God help him.

NYCDoglvr

Of course it's painful, even when you're doing the right thing. My sponsor told me to feel the feelings and do it anyway. A big hug and hope you find the courage to continue.

Lilro

Healthy
I hope he finds the strength to seek treatment also. I can tell from your postings that you still love him. I'm sure you know by now that he cannot be the man you need him to be while in active alcoholism. I pray for you both to find strength.
Ro

emilynghiem

Dear healthyagain:
I really would encourage anyone in your situation
to separate the marriage/divorce decisions from the recovery and drinking decisions.

I found that if people are going to stay married, nothing can separate them; if people are going to separate, nothing can keep them joined.

The path to dealing with the drinking has to be with the person first, and remove these other things that should NOT be conditions.

he should NOT change his behavior "on the condition" that X Y Z happens. It should be him changing it because he is ready to receive better REGARDLESS of X Y Z happening or not.

I would focus on being unconditional.

That if your path in life is not going to continue being yoked with this person, then it's just not. Regardless if he drinks or not, or what he does, if you are not growing in the same direction, then you need to go on and grow forward with other people, and he needs other friends and relationships to make it through his next stages in life "regardless what that process looks like or how long it takes."

I know you still care if he improves or not. But your decisions cannot depend on him. I encourage you to stick to your path in life, and the right people will intersect and connect with you in ways that help you grow. And if he needs to work on himself separately he will stay out of the picture.

That is nice that you care, but it seems clear that caring concern needs to be focused on you so you can catch up and get going with your own path and growth in life. it will get easier as you go, and as you find more friends who work on the level that inspires you in a positive forward direction instead of looking and holding back.

Best wishes and more power to you.
When you find yourself looking back and asking why,
just remember to forgive whatever emotions you feel,
and as you let go, the answers and insights will come
as to what positive things you gained where you can be
happy for those memories and lessons instead of feeling bad about them. Eventually all the regrets and sad emotions will find release and be replaced with wisdom and peace in remembering the good.

Butterfly

Sweetie ((((hugs)))) this is a really difficult part of your life right now, I understand. I've had my draft cross petition for over a week and I've made the necessary amendments but haven't given it to my solicitor yet but I know I need to.

Hang in there be gentle on yourself you are strong enough to get through this.

LexieCat

Exactly.

Normal to feel those mixed emotions, don't let them throw you. You are doing the right thing, for the right reasons.

healthyagain

Had many many different emotions this weekend, I was flipping from sad to ecstatic, to outraged, resentful, extremely happy, then crying again. I'm OK now, gotta do some work.

Thank you all!