tigerlily1

Laying here in bed. So exhausted mentally and physically. This is day/night three of AH binge. Monday I take a needle for my MS that gives me Flu like symptoms and I don't sleep from it. So by Tuesday night always exhausted. However for three weeks in a row AH has binged so that no sleep happens for two to three nights after as well. Tonight I was so tired so made him come in from shop and go to bed. Huge mistake. Of course he wanted drunk nasty rough sex. I said no and then things got ugly. He was going to try to force me and I fought him off left in my pjs and drove to town. He of course phoned begged me to come home. Which I finally did. Had no where else to go anyhow. More words and now he is back in the shop. I still can't sleep because nervous what the night will bring. I am so tired I am unable to even think straight. I know I need to leave as things are not getting better but worse. I am scared no actually terrified of being on my own and living on disability for the rest of my life. When I was still working as a nurse I felt like I could always leave and financially be ok. I honestly feel trapped by fear of not having enough money. Things will not get better as I am not able to work anymore. Not sure how to overcome this fear to get out. I am only 48 so a lot of years trying to cope alone on disability if I leave. Sorry this is so long. Just needing to vent. When will the fear of staying be greater then the fear of leaving? I know no one can answer that My son is working at a camp away for the summer as a counsellor. Of course when he is gone things are always more worrisome as I am alone out here when AH drinks to much.

guava

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Have you contacted your local Domestic Violence shelter? There are resources out there that can help you so you would have somewhere else to go. Big (((hugs))) going out to you this morning.

LexieCat

I second the suggestion of calling the shelter and/or the rape crisis center. Forced sex is rape, as I'm sure you are aware. His being drunk isn't an excuse for this kind of abuse. Advocates at the shelter or rape crisis center can help you find resources to help you live safely. You don't HAVE to leave and go to the shelter. You can apply for a protective order that would require him to leave, and can require him to provide any necessary financial support on at least a temporary basis.

This situation would be awful for anyone, but someone with your health problems is impacted in unique ways. From what I understand (I'm not a medical professional), MS is aggravated by physical and emotional stress.

You also do not have to file any criminal charges to get help from these agencies, though if you decide you want to, they will support you through that, too.

Please, please, if you do nothing else, call and talk with an advocate. They can help you with safety planning and explain all of your options. It's completely confidential and you can make your own decisions about what is best for you.

Liveitwell

Just wanted to say, I've been there. I stopped sleeping in the same bed with my then husband when I was pregnant with our second child bc he would come to be drunk and want nasty drunk sex, too. One time I woke up with him on too of me and I had to tell him to stop, he flew off the handle. I understand your pain and your fear. Please reach out for help! Peace to you today!

gypsysoul

That must be so hard dealing with MS as well as the stress of an AH. What you're saying is so relatable. The sleepless nights of worry, drunk husband in the shop and being afraid to leave in fear that you can't support yourself (and for me my son who requires physio). My husband's tried the sex thing too but thankfully doesn't bother with that anymore. Terrible feeling. I can't offer much advice since I'm looking for the same advice but someone told me today I could talk to a councilor / lawyer to explain my options and that doesn't mean I have to make an immediate decision. I think I might take that advice. But just wanted you to know you're not alone. Seems there's so many of us with the same circumstances.

ladyscribbler

I'm so sorry you experienced that. Thank you for reaching out and sharing. I remember those awful, never ending, sleep-deprived nights. Of course I isolated myself and made everything that much worse.
Sending hugs and strength your way. You deserve much better. Please keep reaching out.
The tiger lilies are in full bloom here, enormous bursting blossoms in wild technicolor orange. I especially like the ones with the black spots and the double rows of petals. They're proud and beautiful like a fierce jungle cat. Like you. (((tigerlily)))

redatlanta

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please do reach out to DV. Have you spoken with an attorney about your financial outlook in splitting? Would you get some assets and would there be alimony?

((((hugs))))

AnvilheadII

i'm concerned about the stress piled on you in your current situation. and how that compromises your health and well being. please do consider the suggestions offered to get some outside help and make your plans to be away from the drunken rampaging bully.

tigerlily1

Thank you all so much for your caring responses.! I am grateful to each one of you for taking the time to read what I wrote. What a lonely existence living with alcoholism seems to create. I could not have shared what happened last night with anyone else. I do want to say that my AH is in no way violent or threatening or controlling 99 percent of the time. Only twice in almost 15 years have I ever felt scared and the need to leave. Last night was the second. It seems that the sexual aggression only happens after an extreme level of alcohol consumption. I know that it is acceptable NEVER!! It was very scary and I have no desire to live like this. Before I make empty threats I want to get my head wrapped around the idea of leaving and being on my own. My AH would for sure be willing to give me some money but we don't have tons. He runs a business out of the shop. I would be the one to leave as he has to be here in order to run his business. I have always known that. Further more I have no desire to live out of town all alone. I am thinking of contacting a lawyer friend just to get an idea of where I stand. We are not married but have been living together for almost 15 years. I am also making a counseling appointment for as soon as possible. I have to drive to another location over an hour away though for that. My biggest concern as some of you also have mentioned is for my health. Stress is the worst possible trigger for MS. I need things to change one way or the other. He has assured me today he is going to get help. I have heard that many times before. I am not holding my breath. I also said I wanted my son to graduate first before I thought about leaving. My son is now graduated. Sooo either he gets help and recovery begins or I am going to have to start preparing to leave. Thanks again for your suggestions and responses. It brought tears to my eyes when I read them. I feel so alone most of the time.

dandylion

Tigerlily.....I so agree with you that feeling alone and isolated is the worst!
I want to say to you that even in your challenging circumstances....you don't have to continue to be lonely. There are billions of people on this planet----and, lots of them live in your area of this planet. It is just a matter of identifying them.
I am so glad to hear that you are going to go to a counselor.
May I suggest that you ask the counselor to help you to identify where and how you can make contact with support groups of people.
I especially agree that you NOT live out of town. That makes isolation so m uch more likely.
I am quite sure that your country also has a MS society that you can call on for various kinds of support and help.

I know that you can change the circumstances of your life---you just need the right kind of help to do so.
You are not as alone as you think.....

dandylion