Really hard day
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
SP, I am so sorry and feel your pain. The thing is, that you want a healthy marriage between 2 people who love each other. Your AH isn't healthy, and no matter what you do to try and make him happy it will never work. He wants to be by himself so he can drink continually. That is what his Alcoholic Voice is telling him and he is listening.
I know that you feel if you could do something different you can save it. You can't. I am sure he loves you and loves you a ton!!!! But he still LOVES his mistress more than you, alcohol. Mine Too!!!
I just divorced after 34 years together. I totally understand. It is impossible while he is drinking to have any kind of marital relationship. I am so sorry. You need to take some time to process this and put your big girl pants on and see what you need to do. Give yourself some time to mourn what you thought was going to be your future. Honey, you will be ok as much as you don't think you will. I still have sad days but I am starting to have more good then bad.
Hugs my friend!!! YOU WILL BE OK!!!!!
I know that you feel if you could do something different you can save it. You can't. I am sure he loves you and loves you a ton!!!! But he still LOVES his mistress more than you, alcohol. Mine Too!!!
I just divorced after 34 years together. I totally understand. It is impossible while he is drinking to have any kind of marital relationship. I am so sorry. You need to take some time to process this and put your big girl pants on and see what you need to do. Give yourself some time to mourn what you thought was going to be your future. Honey, you will be ok as much as you don't think you will. I still have sad days but I am starting to have more good then bad.
Hugs my friend!!! YOU WILL BE OK!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Thank you all! And anvil I looked into codependency recovery meetings in my area. I also will try another alanon (I didn't like the two I tried already) and I have also looked into love addiction. I hate the way I am feeling! I know what I am feeling is more exaggerated and more painful than a normal breakup and so the addiction part sounds right for me also. Thank you all again very much. This is the worst most painful thing I have gone through but I stupidly keep putting myself through it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Searching Peace....I wrote you a l ong, detailed post....and lost it! LOL!
Any way....one of the most helpful things for me--when I went through a very painful
breakup.....was the "wailing wall". I encourage you to try it....
dandylion
Any way....one of the most helpful things for me--when I went through a very painful
breakup.....was the "wailing wall". I encourage you to try it....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
It stinks, but I agree that time & space are what help the most. It is a twisted irony that they both require huge amounts of practice on your part before you experience the big breakthroughs that they can bring. And at first it can be hard to recognize the little gains because you're so wrapped up in the emotions.
I had a moment at one point when I realized that time was going to pass regardless of how I spent it & that no matter where we ended up I wanted to like ME when we got there. So I just kept pushing myself. If you aren't finding comfort in the same old things, reach out for something new. Even something as small as taking new routes for your daily commute will shift your awareness.
I spend a lot of time cleaning out junk drawers, closets, sheds, etc when I'm emotionally purging too; it's kinda like 2 birds/ 1 stone.
Give yourself time to wallow/mourn, definitely. I've taken the advice to just set time limits on how long I'll allow myself to burrow under the blankets watching netflix marathons while eating ice cream straight from the carton.
You're going to handle this just fine SP, I've gone back & read your threads & you are a strong lady with a plan B already in motion, right? Have YOU gone back & read your shares? If not, now might be a good time! It might help you get around *this* feeling right now. ((((Hugs))))
I had a moment at one point when I realized that time was going to pass regardless of how I spent it & that no matter where we ended up I wanted to like ME when we got there. So I just kept pushing myself. If you aren't finding comfort in the same old things, reach out for something new. Even something as small as taking new routes for your daily commute will shift your awareness.
I spend a lot of time cleaning out junk drawers, closets, sheds, etc when I'm emotionally purging too; it's kinda like 2 birds/ 1 stone.
Give yourself time to wallow/mourn, definitely. I've taken the advice to just set time limits on how long I'll allow myself to burrow under the blankets watching netflix marathons while eating ice cream straight from the carton.
You're going to handle this just fine SP, I've gone back & read your threads & you are a strong lady with a plan B already in motion, right? Have YOU gone back & read your shares? If not, now might be a good time! It might help you get around *this* feeling right now. ((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I think you know what we both went through this, well, I did, and you are now. We had our hopes up so high. Even going through the divorce, I thought he could finally see what he was doing, because he did this so many times, but I did push him the last time. I left. I needed to. Needed to do it for my sanity. It was slowly going away. I really couldn't take anymore. No matter how much I wished upon that star, it wasn't going to get better.
I think sometimes that we need to stop with the "what ifs". It didn't work before, and neither did could have or should have. I think those ideas circled around in our heads for so long, that "we" couldn't even get out of that pattern.
Of course we blame ourselves. Weren't we always blamed? The first person that we look at is ourselves and what could we have done better. There really was nothing we could have done better.
I sort of had a wake up call a few months before I left. He threw a cup at me. I had a black eye, and now I have a scar, and all he was saying to be then, was I hope you don't use this to try to make me stay with you. I think that was the worse thing that I have ever heard. My boundaries were almost non existant, when you are in an abusive relationship, you aren't allowed boundaries, it's the first thing they go after.
There were many times even during the divorce that my ex would tell me that it was all him, then he would get vicious. It was the push/pull, back and forth thing. He would call me and tell me that he missed me, until he heard my voice.
I was married for 27 years. The personality changes were to the extreme. But, you know what, I tried for so long to make things better, it was like I rewired my own brain, to try to figure out what he wanted, what he liked, what he didn't like, (and those things changed daily), I wasn't even able to think about me. I didn't know anything about me.
When I left, I really did think that I loved him, I no longer think that, I think that my mind was just spinning so much as to what he wants, and what will keep me safe, and how to say things, and dam it, I wanted validation. I wasn't crazy!!!!!
I craved any kind of touch from him, or anytime where he spoke nicely to me. Even if it happened,it could take several months for that to happen again.
Just know that things do get better. There are many people here who care about you and love you.
You're a terrific person, and when I read your responses, sometimes I don't respond because you said it so much better then I could ever do.
There were many times that I tried to put on a brave face when I felt like just digging a ditch and jumping in it. Just know we are always here for you, and you are a part of our family.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
I think sometimes that we need to stop with the "what ifs". It didn't work before, and neither did could have or should have. I think those ideas circled around in our heads for so long, that "we" couldn't even get out of that pattern.
Of course we blame ourselves. Weren't we always blamed? The first person that we look at is ourselves and what could we have done better. There really was nothing we could have done better.
I sort of had a wake up call a few months before I left. He threw a cup at me. I had a black eye, and now I have a scar, and all he was saying to be then, was I hope you don't use this to try to make me stay with you. I think that was the worse thing that I have ever heard. My boundaries were almost non existant, when you are in an abusive relationship, you aren't allowed boundaries, it's the first thing they go after.
There were many times even during the divorce that my ex would tell me that it was all him, then he would get vicious. It was the push/pull, back and forth thing. He would call me and tell me that he missed me, until he heard my voice.
I was married for 27 years. The personality changes were to the extreme. But, you know what, I tried for so long to make things better, it was like I rewired my own brain, to try to figure out what he wanted, what he liked, what he didn't like, (and those things changed daily), I wasn't even able to think about me. I didn't know anything about me.
When I left, I really did think that I loved him, I no longer think that, I think that my mind was just spinning so much as to what he wants, and what will keep me safe, and how to say things, and dam it, I wanted validation. I wasn't crazy!!!!!
I craved any kind of touch from him, or anytime where he spoke nicely to me. Even if it happened,it could take several months for that to happen again.
Just know that things do get better. There are many people here who care about you and love you.
You're a terrific person, and when I read your responses, sometimes I don't respond because you said it so much better then I could ever do.
There were many times that I tried to put on a brave face when I felt like just digging a ditch and jumping in it. Just know we are always here for you, and you are a part of our family.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I have been where you are before. Just want to send you some hugs SP.
There is much obsession involved in what you are describing. A person can be a drug its so true!!! Believe it. Our serotonin and dopamine elevates I swear its no different than getting high.
It is possible to move beyond. You must MAKE yourself do things that are good for yourself. If you can, try.......try to say you won't see him. One day at a time. Sound familiar
There is much obsession involved in what you are describing. A person can be a drug its so true!!! Believe it. Our serotonin and dopamine elevates I swear its no different than getting high.
It is possible to move beyond. You must MAKE yourself do things that are good for yourself. If you can, try.......try to say you won't see him. One day at a time. Sound familiar
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
searching peace, these people are like poison. Seriously. They are venomous. You need that poison out. I do not come on here often but am amazed by the changes in me. And the only thing I really did was physically distancing myself and having ability to finally enforce my boundaries! I am happy, organized, optimistic . . . but as soon as he gets close, I am poisoned again, depressed, thinking of death, crying, frustrated.
If I tell you that a very bad habit of mine (biting fingers since the age of 11) has been gone since I moved, would you believe me? Two nights ago, I've noticed my skin was healed and was like WTF? No therapy, drugs, nothing . . . just removed the extreme stress out of my life.
Let this guy go, find happiness within. You do not need this man. Love yourself. It will make you strong. It is a wonderful feeling. Just give yourself a chance.
If I tell you that a very bad habit of mine (biting fingers since the age of 11) has been gone since I moved, would you believe me? Two nights ago, I've noticed my skin was healed and was like WTF? No therapy, drugs, nothing . . . just removed the extreme stress out of my life.
Let this guy go, find happiness within. You do not need this man. Love yourself. It will make you strong. It is a wonderful feeling. Just give yourself a chance.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by searching peace 
Ok anvil, how? How do I do that? How do I let go of this anxiety of not seeing him and devastation of loosing the only man I have ever loved? I try to keep busy. But I only think of him. My anxiety level is out the roof. I'm about to go exercise. I have tried doing my painting, talking to friends, reading, TV. Nothing helps! I only think of him and being with him. I know I am always different in my approach and my thinking to others on here. But I know if my husband would spend time with me this would go away.
I wish there was a magic bullet, I really do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi SP...I've been offline as I'm on vacation...but I just have to send you some hugs and prayers.
I gave my A millions of chances. And with each one I got smaller and smaller...little pieces of me chipped away as I tried to glue him and us back together. Please reread my "Farewell Letter" post. I hurt for you.
I wouldn't have left. I was in such agony trying to fix things. He got worse and came close then pulled away, continually giving slivers of hope. I think a healthy person wouldn't see those slivers--they'd instead see the daggers of anger and abuse that I wiped away--but I gathered those slivers and held on.
When he moved out, I started to focus on other things and give it to God--and bit by bit realized how much healthier I was without him. I filed for divorce (with God cheering and opening doors everywhere for me) and I refused to look back, even when he said "why are you in such a hurry?" It hurt like hell...but I'm happier now than I can remember in almost 20 years with him. LOVE...YOU. Look in the mirror at the woman you are and LOVE HER. She is amazing and worthy and deserves so much better.
As hard as it is, let him go. Unlike many posters, I don't believe he's telling you the truth about what he wants. I believe he's telling you what wants to say in each moment. He could change his mind as soon as you agree, he could end up married to someone else in a short time, or he could stay single...but it doesn't matter. You are the only one who can truly save yourself, free yourself, and love yourself. He simply cannot. That's the truth. Don't drown with him. Please!
Do one thing. Just one.
There were days I couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes my one thing was to take a shower. Or to bake a pie.
Just one thing.
Then another.
Have a list of close friends or family members you can call and to ask to check up on you. Tell them you need THEM to reach out, because you just can't. I was amazed at how many people helped me so much--because I LET them.
Post here just to start conversations.
Volunteer somewhere.
My cousin told me..."LEAN".
Lean on others and you can do this. I believe in you.
One day you'll wake up happy, I'm sure of it!
For now, just wake up, and do one thing. One.
Praying for you. More hugs.
I gave my A millions of chances. And with each one I got smaller and smaller...little pieces of me chipped away as I tried to glue him and us back together. Please reread my "Farewell Letter" post. I hurt for you.
I wouldn't have left. I was in such agony trying to fix things. He got worse and came close then pulled away, continually giving slivers of hope. I think a healthy person wouldn't see those slivers--they'd instead see the daggers of anger and abuse that I wiped away--but I gathered those slivers and held on.
When he moved out, I started to focus on other things and give it to God--and bit by bit realized how much healthier I was without him. I filed for divorce (with God cheering and opening doors everywhere for me) and I refused to look back, even when he said "why are you in such a hurry?" It hurt like hell...but I'm happier now than I can remember in almost 20 years with him. LOVE...YOU. Look in the mirror at the woman you are and LOVE HER. She is amazing and worthy and deserves so much better.
As hard as it is, let him go. Unlike many posters, I don't believe he's telling you the truth about what he wants. I believe he's telling you what wants to say in each moment. He could change his mind as soon as you agree, he could end up married to someone else in a short time, or he could stay single...but it doesn't matter. You are the only one who can truly save yourself, free yourself, and love yourself. He simply cannot. That's the truth. Don't drown with him. Please!
Do one thing. Just one.
There were days I couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes my one thing was to take a shower. Or to bake a pie.
Just one thing.
Then another.
Have a list of close friends or family members you can call and to ask to check up on you. Tell them you need THEM to reach out, because you just can't. I was amazed at how many people helped me so much--because I LET them.
Post here just to start conversations.
Volunteer somewhere.
My cousin told me..."LEAN".
Lean on others and you can do this. I believe in you.
One day you'll wake up happy, I'm sure of it!
For now, just wake up, and do one thing. One.
Praying for you. More hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Praying, thank you! And yes you definitely get it. I read that post you mentioned and was so awed by your articulate truth in that letter. I am trying, but it is difficult to come to terms with all of this and move forward in a healthy way. I really like your idea of doing just one thing. That seems doable. Thank you!
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