NickOz21

Hi everyone,

My name is Nick and I'm from Australia. I've just been reading through the forums and I was really touched by one post in particular where someone had mentioned their no.1 means of becoming and staying sober was being an active member of this site and I can see why based on the support offered.

I'm doing a master's degree in rehabilitation therapy... I aim to be a therapist one day but that can't happen if I'm in need of therapy myself. :P

I always make the mistake (alcoholic logic takes over) that drinking isn't harmful. "just one or two to help sleep" - was the latest lie I sold myself. I had been sober for several weeks, things had been going better with my lovely fiancee (who is incredible to still be with me despite the pain/misery/stress I've caused) I was feeling anxious/dissociated and thought it would be fine to have a few to take the edge of... Big mistake.


There have been times where I've mixed various benzo's with copious amounts of alcohol. I binge. I don't feel the need to drink every day (luckily) but every now and then I do feel the urge, especially when my anxiety condition flares up. Most times I can wait it out and remind myself of why I should remain sober - but occasionally I lose focus, fall down and hurt myself and those close to me.

It's a viscous cycle of self-destruction. I'm so aware of the damage alcohol can cause yet I still feel the desire to drink at times - addiction isn't logical.

I know if I continue this path I'll end up completely cut off from those I love. That's my main motivation to be sober.

I'm on day 3 now.

Question 1: How do you mingle at parties/social gatherings when people ask why you're not drinking? I feel uncomfortable telling people "I'm an alcoholic, that's why I'm not drinking" - Are there alternatives?

Question 2: Do you believe it's possible for a recovered alcoholic to enjoy the occasional social drink? I've read that can work for some people, but I'm not entirely sure... What are your thoughts?

Again, I'm very happy to be a member of this community. You all seem so very supportive.

MelindaFlowers

1. I've been sober a year and I've found that people don't question what I am drinking. I ALWAYS order a soda when out with friends. Something about the soda provides a smokescreen the tricks people. Lol. Seriously. It's like they see a glass with something in it and then don't think anything about what you're drinking or not drinking. I thinks it's some kind of thing with their brains. If I were drinking a glass of ice water I think it would raise some attention.

I've been to maybe a dozen or so parties in the past year and I have not been asked once why I'm not drinking. I'm 33 though so I can imagine that if I were 22 that people might ask. Hence why I do not hang out with 22-year-olds now.

But seriously, people don't really care if you're drinking or not. Alcohol simply doesn't mean as much to them as it does to us. It's not an obsession or fixation with them. It's just a beverage.

That said though I do not go to the type of parties where people are getting trashed. Like, I would not go to a lake with people and big cases of beer. I would and have however, gone to a bar to watch the World Series baseball. I sat there with my soda and enjoy the game and nobody questioned me. The people I'm with are not alcoholic so they drink one or two or maybe even three beers over the course of a few hours and leave it at that.

I don't think I would ever go to a bar by myself. I only go if other people invite me for some kind of event. And Mandas time pass lonely when you're not drinking. That's why I only stay like an hour or two or as long as the game

People I'm close with I have told that I don't drink anymore. I don't use the word alcoholic or anything dramatic I just told them I don't drink anymore and they accepted that just like if you told them you don't eat meat anymore. They know why I stopped. They have witnessed many embarrassing episodes of my drinking.

2. No, no, and no. I firmly believe that a serious alcoholic cannot drink again. I know this is true because if I play the game of "what if I were on a desert island and one beer washed up on the shore what I drink it?" Nah. Why would I want one beer? Why? I wouldn't. I never drank for the taste. In fact I like the taste of soda just fine. I drank to get buzzed, drunk, whatever you want to call it. And my tolerance was so high in the end that it took about 12 to 14 drinks to reach a buzz. I firmly believe that once you have gone into the dark side of alcoholism (frequent/daily binges) then you'd never be satisfied with one or two beers and you would end up seeking out lots and lots of beers.

I experimented literally thousands of times with moderation and proved to myself that I can't moderate. It's actually a lot easier to just not drink at all of them to try and moderate.

Just not drinking at all is like having 1000 pound gorilla taken off my shoulders. So glad to be done with all those games and failures.

Dee74

Welcome Nick

When I quit I was sure I'd be grilled on that - I had great essays prepared...

but the reality was, outside of drinking buddies, very few people cared about what I was drinking or not drinking.

It's just not the obsessive thing to them it is to us.

There's no need to you to share anything you don't want to - these days I just say 'no thanks' or 'I don't drink' and I ask for a Coke or something.
I tried for 20 years and never found a way to do that Nick.

Every time I drank again I ended up in the same dark place.
I have no off switch.

I'm actually glad things ended up the way they did - I'm free of my burden now and lifes never been better - and all I had to do was stop drinking.

D

Ruby2

Welcome to SR. I've found it to be a great source of support and information.

Question 1) I don't go to many functions where alcohol is served. Especially in early sobriety. People are, I find, more likely to ask what you would like to drink as opposed to asking why you aren't drinking alcohol. Even if people ask, all I need to say is no thank you.

Question 2) well, I'm not willing to risk a descent into the depths I escaped from by experimenting to see whether I can periodically drink socially. I couldn't do it successfully before I quit, I can't see that it's changed since then. I only wanted more than one. I've changed since I quit. Sure I miss it once in a while. I'm still fairly new in sobriety. But I don't miss what my life had become.

Stick around. Nice to meet you

CaseyW

First off, welcome to SR, NickOz21! I highly suggest joining and actively participating in the Class of July 2015 thread found on this same forum. It's a great way to learn from and help others who are in early recovery. There is miraculous power in the simple act of one addict helping another.

"I'm not drinking" or "No thanks" or "I don't drink" is good enough for me. I don't say "I'm not drinking tonight" because that implies I might drink on some other night. If anyone insists on you drinking--and no one ever has with me--then more than likely they're an alcoholic too. Normal drinkers don't focus on or give any thought at all to what and how much other people are drinking. It's only us sick alcohol addicts who focus on the drinking.

It's also a good idea to keep a glass of soda water with lime in your hands at near all times at gatherings like this. You'd be surprised how much this simple act placates the addiction in your head plus it keeps you from being uneasy that others are staring at your drink. Which they're not anyways.

I have tried every possible way under the sun to control my drinking so I could just "enjoy the occasional social drink." It never worked for me. All I did was obsess on the rules/limits I'd set on myself and I always and I mean ALWAYS ended up cheating on those rules. For example:

"I'm only allowing myself two drinks tonight." An hour later I'm thinking to myself: "Hmm, a double should only count as one drink, right? That's just common sense." or my personal favorite "I'll fill this gigantic wine goblet to the very top but it still only counts as one drink, right?"

I could spell out literally dozens of other ways I tried to control/moderate my drinking. All of them failed, plain and simple.

Abstinence has been the answer for me and every truly recovered alcoholic I've ever met.

Glad to have met you and hope you'll become an active participant here. SR has been the cornerstone of my recovery so far.

SoberLife90

Hi! My names Nick too! Anyways at social gatherings you just mingle....haha. my friends know I don't drink...and really nobody cares whether you do or don't. I don't think you should be going to the bar though. You need to be careful because you are in very early recovery. My sponsor tells me "If you hang out at the barber shop long enough you will eventually get a haircut". Very true. Stay away from wet places and wet faces. Have you considered going yo AA? Wonderful place to stay sober amd help others achieve sobriety.

Secondly you will probably not be able to ever drink safely again, if you are indeed an alcoholic. The only hope for us alcoholics is complete abstinence from everything mind altering.

Goodluck!

Debbie329

I don't drink is enough said.....as for drinking...... I really don't want to drink I just think I do is the realization I'm having today...It's always w great anticipation that I open the first beer......but when it's all said and done......it's work to drink a 6 pack and then you start being tired irritable and dehydrated.......so it's not what you signed up for.......it never is.

cassidy33

When I first got sober (my first year) I wasn't around others drinking at all! I was so scared to go back to drinking. My alcoholism was a bit more advanced than yours, but who's judging? Not me. Lol. My first party where there was a lot of drinking was....odd. I was very nervous, scared, confused.....what will I do? How will I blend in? Will I be anti social without alcohol? Quickly (about 30 minutes into the party) everything was cool. I actually was surprised that a lot of people were not drinking. I've always found this fascinating since I've been sober. When I was drinking, it appeared like everyone else drank. But the reality is, most people actually don't drink. This fact still surprises me sometimes. I would avoid mingling with people drinking for a while. Don't listen to that voice in your head that says, "I got this." That's your evil twin. Lol.

2.) I think you know the answer to this question. How many times have you tried to be a social drinker but it hasn't worked? There's your answer. Abstinence is easier than trying (and failing) to be that social drinker we never were.

I would suggest really looking at step 1 with AA. That is the hardest step for usually everyone. If we don't get step 1 right, everything falls apart (again).

Itchy

If you still want to drink on the one hand, but say it will take all you love away, haven't you just given a perfect example of cognitive dissonance. Which is when your beliefs are in conflict with your behaviors thus causing you stress. The only way to resolve it is to change your beliefs, or change your behavior. Your belief that drinking will destroy you is rational. Your behavior of drinking is in conflict with your beliefs.

Being an alcoholic is a bit like being pregnant. You either are all the way pregnant or all the way not.

There is no such thing as being just a little bit pregnant.

There is no such thing as an alcoholic just drinking a little.

You want your cake and eat it too. Alcoholism is a progressive addiction. Eventually we change our behaviors when we hit our individual bottoms. Some keep changing their beliefs that they can drink just a little bit, overdo it, then the next day repeat.

Some people don't hit bottom alive. It kills them. Many of us decide we are going to be all the way out of drinking alcohol or doing drugs.

I've been sober a few years, and I don't feel deprived. Just grateful to have survived. You will hit your bottom if you approach this as being just a little bit sober. Those are the poor ones that never change their behaviors, just keep their irrational beliefs.

I hope you join us in being all the way into sobriety.

Oh, if anyone asks why you aren't drinking alcohol, tell the truth. That you are turning over a new leaf to a healthier lifestyle. And cutting out the alcohol is just the beginning of your new lifestyle.

tomsteve

Question 1) found out I'm not that important and didn't get asked often. Have been asked if I wanted a drink but ," no thank you" was sufficient.

Question 2) once yer a pickle, ya can't go back to being a cucumber.

I have recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body that made me drink. Part of that is seeing its completely insane for me to even think I can safely have a drink or two and get away with it.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Nick!!

JerryFish

Welcome!

Q1) You can say "I don't drink," or "I don't like alcohol."

Q2) No. There are exceptions to every rule, but it's not worth to risk it. Am I correct to assume from this question that you want to recover and then be a non-problematic drinker? If so, I'd get that out of my head. Best way to go is to quit and never drink again. No exceptions.

thomas11

Hi Nick, if you read the above responses, I think you have your answer. I believe every one of them were essentially same. In fact I don't know that I've read a thread where every single person was pretty much 100% on the same page. Add me to the list. My answers to your 2 questions would be the same.

Mags1

Hi Nick.

I drink tonic water, I have, as Dee says, answers ready if questioned. But I'm usually with the family and they don't mind question what I drink.

If I thought I could have the occasional drink, I would not be on this site. No, I can't drink as I know I cannot control it. I would want more than one.

esoxlucius

Hi and welcome.

Qn. 1 - I just say I'm not drinking, I don't offer anything more and only one person in the last 5 months has asked why. In that case I just answered for health reasons. End of conversation. A lot of people have commented that I look better (slimmer, eyes brighter) and some of them I'll tell I've given up drinking but even then they don't ask further.

Qn. 2 - In my opinion, no, not another drink. This is my longest quit at nearly 5 months (after 30 years of heavy drinking). I did get to 100 days a couple of years ago but then drank (almost as a celebration of 100 days! Duh! Go figure). I think the reason it is sticking so well this time is exactly the realisation that I can't drink again, even one, and once I got my head around that idea and found some peace with it then everything else has been that little bit easier.

On The Road

1. No thank you/I'm good

2. Never again.

OnMyWay7

1. Answers:
I don't want to
My head hurts
My stomach is acting up
I don't want to
Don't much feel like it tonight
My doctor told me I have a liver virus
I have a migraine. Or my favorite
Hey what have you been up to lately how's your job, your girlfriend, your golf game etc

2. Answer: No - you can't. If you could you wouldn't be asking