I'm still suffering
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
I think a lot of it has to do with rebuilding your own life when it appears his is just trucking along just fine. We expect the Karma train to hit instantly and it doesn't. That produces anger. Just have to move above it.
I have to say I think I am better with these situations now because I can look at people who treated me and others badly in the past and not one of them is happy or even content. And with most of them, I don't even care anymore how they are doing, even if at the same time I was absolutely obsessed with them.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Reading this thread I can't help but think that Mike (m1k3) would remind you, "Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional". 
I'm of the opinion that he IS suffering, every single day... it just doesn't seem that way from the outside. Especially if he keeps stuffing it down with more alcohol & drugs.
I think you're just plain angry about him ending it instead of you. I think you're letting that part of it define you too much, you're getting too wrapped up in how it all appears to others:
You could flip this coin you know - what does it say about you that a dysfunctional addict incapable of healthy relationships broke up with you? It says, "You're too normal for me", "he couldn't handle a real relationship", "you couldn't be 'managed' the way he needs his girlfriend to be in order to continue his messed up ways".
The actions that DO cast you in a negative light are things like interacting with the 20-yr old.... what in the world can you expect to accomplish there? How is that helping you?
Really though, it seems like it's all more about you. You saw what he was early on, ignored red flags repeatedly, gave & gave & gave without appreciation... but then again, you gave & gave to a person you already knew had limited capacity to return the favor:
Forget him. Work on this stuff ^^. Figure out why you were ok blowing past those red flags. Figure out why you stayed when your hatred was so high last summer.
I'm of the opinion that he IS suffering, every single day... it just doesn't seem that way from the outside. Especially if he keeps stuffing it down with more alcohol & drugs.
I think you're just plain angry about him ending it instead of you. I think you're letting that part of it define you too much, you're getting too wrapped up in how it all appears to others:
I was so ready to leave last summer, when I thought my hatred was at its peak, but I stuck around. I never knew he was so capable of being such a rotten person to me, and now that HE walked away and HE doesn't want me, I feel like im the loser in this. If I let this kind of person break up with me, what does that say about ME?
The actions that DO cast you in a negative light are things like interacting with the 20-yr old.... what in the world can you expect to accomplish there? How is that helping you?
Really though, it seems like it's all more about you. You saw what he was early on, ignored red flags repeatedly, gave & gave & gave without appreciation... but then again, you gave & gave to a person you already knew had limited capacity to return the favor:
I never left his side, took care of him when I found him doped out of his mind in a drug house last year (gone for 24 hours)or when he came home with his face bashed in after getting wasted. I ran his errands, paid his bills, grocery shopped, baked, lent him my vehicle for a year when he had no car, I was a good little" house wife". I was happy to do it! But he did nothing in return. I feel ashamed of myself, I tried to make a relationship with someone who mentally checked out as soon as I moved in. He takes NO responsibility for anything he's said or done.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I understand how you feel. I haven't contacted my ex and it's been almost three months and I'm unbearably anxious and depressed. I have no idea why. I've never obsessed like this before. I'd tell you to go no contact but it's not working for me. I feel I have so much emotional business left undone that I can't get over it. There is something about these relationships that causes this.
I have done a lot of self discovery and I encourage you to as well. I'm guessing you...like me...were highly validated by this man. Also he became a drug to you. When you take away this drug you go through massive withdrawals and you lose your identity. I wish I knew how to fix this. I've never stopped doing for myself and that's everyone's recommendation.
I hope you can find some peace.
I have done a lot of self discovery and I encourage you to as well. I'm guessing you...like me...were highly validated by this man. Also he became a drug to you. When you take away this drug you go through massive withdrawals and you lose your identity. I wish I knew how to fix this. I've never stopped doing for myself and that's everyone's recommendation.
I hope you can find some peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago
Posts: 57
There is something about these relationships that causes this.
Also he became a drug to you. When you take away this drug you go through massive withdrawals and you lose your identity.
Also, the drug analogy helps explain why, like it or not, we sometimes need them to be the one to end things. As addicts, we fight tooth and nail to hold on to our drugs (i.e., these toxic people). Having the A leave US is like forced sobriety. As many will attest, the sober A remains obsessed until choosing a different path.
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32
I wanted to leave many times before he even got this bad! But he would lure me back, tell me how much he loved me, he didn't want me to go. Then in the end he wanted to help me find an apartment near him. Then when I moved he thought we could start from scratch and try again. Both living situations still had HER in his life. He's mentally sick. To go everyday contacting me, watching my cats for the summer as a favor, sleeping with us both until I finally moved, hes so messed up in so many ways. Hes not happy, he's sick. He ruined the best relationship he's ever had. I wasn't into drugs and drinking, I was in school, I'm smart, I'm attractive, I'm active, I read, I write, I'm outgoing and funny. Still I felt not good enough for him?!?!?! He had to leave me, I just couldn't do it. It hurt too much to hurt him. But now, who the heck cares if he gets hurt. I've got a plan to get my cats the end of this month with out contact with him directly, I have a place I can live with my pets, I'm looking into private school programs to build a new career, and there's no room for his sickness in my life.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Onward and upward, EA! Progress, not perfection.
One thing that has helped me is to try to reframe the thoughts of "my AH sucked me into this drama, etc." as "I allowed myself to be sucked into AH's drama." It re-focuses my thinking on myself, and what I can do to avoid repeats.
One thing that has helped me is to try to reframe the thoughts of "my AH sucked me into this drama, etc." as "I allowed myself to be sucked into AH's drama." It re-focuses my thinking on myself, and what I can do to avoid repeats.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by garfiild
I've been there too - and looking at this from a distance now, these two ideas seem intertwined.
Also, the drug analogy helps explain why, like it or not, we sometimes need them to be the one to end things. As addicts, we fight tooth and nail to hold on to our drugs (i.e., these toxic people). Having the A leave US is like forced sobriety. As many will attest, the sober A remains obsessed until choosing a different path.
Also, the drug analogy helps explain why, like it or not, we sometimes need them to be the one to end things. As addicts, we fight tooth and nail to hold on to our drugs (i.e., these toxic people). Having the A leave US is like forced sobriety. As many will attest, the sober A remains obsessed until choosing a different path.
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32
You wish your alcoholic ended it, I wish I ended it with my alcoholic. Either way is SUPER hard.
My thoughts are like a record, continuously repeating memories, conversations, questions. How did I get involved with someone SO UNHEALTHY? What did I expect to come from this? Why does he have such crappy character traits? I read others on here who don't seem to have dealt with someone as poorly as I did. My ex ALWAYS chose the wrong thing to do. We even fought about it, I would always say "if there's a right or wrong option, you always pick the wrong. You never do what's right or best!" How does someone always choose wrong? The alcohol, the selling of drugs, doing drugs, stealing from friends, using friends, lying, cheating. All of it!! We fight because he says "I'm a good person", how? When? With who? In the 3.5 years I can't say I ever saw him do anything GOOD. That's pretty bad huh?
We fight about how he criticized my clothes, my color of hair(cuz I color it) my style of hair, my taste in decor, told me I better not get fat or he would leave me(some what joking) im 5'8, 130 lbs and was a personal trainer for gods sake!, told me being a trainer was stupid cuz I wouldn't make money, going back to school was a waste of time(he never graduated high school), that I need new friends cuz mine sucked cuz they were never around and normal friends are always available(cuz his are all unemployed and hang around at bars all day), didn't like to celebrate any holidays, xmas gifts were like handing over cash, I would always go buy patents for his family and nephews for him, his family didn't show affection so he showed little affection once I moved in, he always had to have better stuff than me and tell me his stuff was better. It was so exhausting to go through all this. He just beat me down and left me feeling totally unworthy of him or anyone. So why is it so hard for me to think he wouldn't do that with the other girl or the ones to come? I should be glad I'm out of his sick life. All he ever talks about every single day is making money, losing money, deals with drugs, and money money money. When he started dealing drugs money became his obsession. It's sick to witness this. He may be a nice guy and people life him, but they don't know the real him. He lies. He steals. He talks bad about them. He used them. He cheats. There's no good in him. Alcohol is just one issue to him, his core issues are so much worse.
My thoughts are like a record, continuously repeating memories, conversations, questions. How did I get involved with someone SO UNHEALTHY? What did I expect to come from this? Why does he have such crappy character traits? I read others on here who don't seem to have dealt with someone as poorly as I did. My ex ALWAYS chose the wrong thing to do. We even fought about it, I would always say "if there's a right or wrong option, you always pick the wrong. You never do what's right or best!" How does someone always choose wrong? The alcohol, the selling of drugs, doing drugs, stealing from friends, using friends, lying, cheating. All of it!! We fight because he says "I'm a good person", how? When? With who? In the 3.5 years I can't say I ever saw him do anything GOOD. That's pretty bad huh?
We fight about how he criticized my clothes, my color of hair(cuz I color it) my style of hair, my taste in decor, told me I better not get fat or he would leave me(some what joking) im 5'8, 130 lbs and was a personal trainer for gods sake!, told me being a trainer was stupid cuz I wouldn't make money, going back to school was a waste of time(he never graduated high school), that I need new friends cuz mine sucked cuz they were never around and normal friends are always available(cuz his are all unemployed and hang around at bars all day), didn't like to celebrate any holidays, xmas gifts were like handing over cash, I would always go buy patents for his family and nephews for him, his family didn't show affection so he showed little affection once I moved in, he always had to have better stuff than me and tell me his stuff was better. It was so exhausting to go through all this. He just beat me down and left me feeling totally unworthy of him or anyone. So why is it so hard for me to think he wouldn't do that with the other girl or the ones to come? I should be glad I'm out of his sick life. All he ever talks about every single day is making money, losing money, deals with drugs, and money money money. When he started dealing drugs money became his obsession. It's sick to witness this. He may be a nice guy and people life him, but they don't know the real him. He lies. He steals. He talks bad about them. He used them. He cheats. There's no good in him. Alcohol is just one issue to him, his core issues are so much worse.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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How does someone always choose wrong? The alcohol, the selling of drugs, doing drugs, stealing from friends, using friends, lying, cheating. All of it!! We fight because he says "I'm a good person", how? When? With who? In the 3.5 years I can't say I ever saw him do anything GOOD. That's pretty bad huh?
So the question to ask is since you knew all of this....why did you stay? Figure it out, and fix that problem.
So the question to ask is since you knew all of this....why did you stay? Figure it out, and fix that problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32
So the question to ask is since you knew all of this....why did you stay? Figure it out, and fix that problem.[/QUOTE]
That's what I'm having the hardest time with understanding. How did I stay and put up with it when I knew, went along with it in spite of my better judgement, i was resentful, angry, and filled with hate after so much crap was being done to me and around me. Why did I do this to myself????!!!! Do I really hate myself this much? Or is codependency that sick of an obsession with someone else? Do I not think I deserve to be loved and treated with respect? Did I think I was trying to save him when in fact I didn't build him up, he broke me down. All the signs were there, im smart, and still I stayed and tried to be supportive while knowing he wasn't being a good person to anyone. I feel like my emotions are still ten years behind, because logically I know better and I know he didn't deserve me from day one. Just wish the emotional side would catch up!!!
That's what I'm having the hardest time with understanding. How did I stay and put up with it when I knew, went along with it in spite of my better judgement, i was resentful, angry, and filled with hate after so much crap was being done to me and around me. Why did I do this to myself????!!!! Do I really hate myself this much? Or is codependency that sick of an obsession with someone else? Do I not think I deserve to be loved and treated with respect? Did I think I was trying to save him when in fact I didn't build him up, he broke me down. All the signs were there, im smart, and still I stayed and tried to be supportive while knowing he wasn't being a good person to anyone. I feel like my emotions are still ten years behind, because logically I know better and I know he didn't deserve me from day one. Just wish the emotional side would catch up!!!
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