Is it so wrong to want to be loved
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
Looking at my behaviours I realise I came across as needy, desperate and obsessive. I understand why he doesn't want to see me and I am so ashamed and to be honest I don't think I could look this guy in the face again!!!!
If I remember correctly he was pretty out of line with the sex talk when you two had only just become reacquainted. That'll teach him to be inappropriate with delicate women.
How are things going with the separation/divorce? Are you making progress with the legal side?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Would you purchase a car without test driving it? Buy a house without ever laying eyes on it? I doubt you would.
Entering into a relationship without knowing what you are getting yourself into is way more risky than the car or house purchase. I daresay deciding to be with someone after one date is very, very risky. If the person is healthy they wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. If they aren't, and accept your offer, you may find yourself chin deep in quicksand because that person - they ain't healthy either.
Love takes time to grow. I think its very normal that you want to be loved and want a relationship. Your obsessions are going to prohibit this process. Have you heard back from the counseling center? Butterfly I think if you will spend 6 months to a year actively working on your obsessive issues you can have that healthy relationship, and all the love you ever wanted.
Entering into a relationship without knowing what you are getting yourself into is way more risky than the car or house purchase. I daresay deciding to be with someone after one date is very, very risky. If the person is healthy they wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. If they aren't, and accept your offer, you may find yourself chin deep in quicksand because that person - they ain't healthy either.
Love takes time to grow. I think its very normal that you want to be loved and want a relationship. Your obsessions are going to prohibit this process. Have you heard back from the counseling center? Butterfly I think if you will spend 6 months to a year actively working on your obsessive issues you can have that healthy relationship, and all the love you ever wanted.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One thing--stop SHAMING yourself. Geeze, you'd think you laid a trap for this guy so you could take him for all he has. All you did was to try a little too hard, too soon, to find love. It isn't a crime. He will be just fine. And so will you. You're getting a lot of insight, and it will serve you well.
But STOP beating yourself up! Shame is appropriate when you've intentionally or recklessly hurt someone else, not for making mistakes early in a dating relationship.
But STOP beating yourself up! Shame is appropriate when you've intentionally or recklessly hurt someone else, not for making mistakes early in a dating relationship.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Lol Feelinggreat still no excuse for my behaviour!! Funny though although I told him when we first met up again that I was a mess and not ready for anything I remember telling him to run and he knew about ex a from when we were friends before when he asked how I was I always said grand he commented once not that you would tell me anyway and I wouldn't have if I was having a bad day he didn't know! Yet when I feel that I was being rejected I act like a nut job!!
Feelinggreat I haven't heard from ex a since his last contact with me about not using solicitors, can't even remember when that was and it's great, I don't think about him, worry what he's doing, his addiction, his life, his choice. The divorce is still going ahead but waiting on all the financial documentation needed for the mediation. I've been trying to sort out my pension estimate and my payroll department have messed up now twice which has delayed the whole thing. I just want this done!!
He's a bit better with giving DS lifts to the gym even on his lunch break!! DS has finished his exams so doesn't go into school every morning, but not great at spending time with him still. I dont ask DS why he doesn't see more of him and I don't know about DD relationship with her dad she doesn't say when she sees him. it's their relationship with their dad, not mine and they know they can talk to me if they need to. Guess I've learned to stop trying to control that relationship!
Redatlanta, the manager contacted me a couple of weeks ago and told, me a new counsellor would be available within the next 2 weeks and will make contact with me to arrange an appointment. If I haven't heard back from them by the end of the week I will ring them again. I'm also going to contact my GP in the morning and ask if it's possible to be referred back to my CBT counsellor. I think the last time I had this treatment I was still so wrapped up in ex a and trying to sort myself out for him that I wasn't focusing on me.
Feelinggreat I haven't heard from ex a since his last contact with me about not using solicitors, can't even remember when that was and it's great, I don't think about him, worry what he's doing, his addiction, his life, his choice. The divorce is still going ahead but waiting on all the financial documentation needed for the mediation. I've been trying to sort out my pension estimate and my payroll department have messed up now twice which has delayed the whole thing. I just want this done!!
He's a bit better with giving DS lifts to the gym even on his lunch break!! DS has finished his exams so doesn't go into school every morning, but not great at spending time with him still. I dont ask DS why he doesn't see more of him and I don't know about DD relationship with her dad she doesn't say when she sees him. it's their relationship with their dad, not mine and they know they can talk to me if they need to. Guess I've learned to stop trying to control that relationship!
Redatlanta, the manager contacted me a couple of weeks ago and told, me a new counsellor would be available within the next 2 weeks and will make contact with me to arrange an appointment. If I haven't heard back from them by the end of the week I will ring them again. I'm also going to contact my GP in the morning and ask if it's possible to be referred back to my CBT counsellor. I think the last time I had this treatment I was still so wrapped up in ex a and trying to sort myself out for him that I wasn't focusing on me.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you lexiecat and your right the comments I've received have been so good and have really helped me understand my own behaviours more and where I need to focus on me. I'm reading a book at the mi ute called women who love too much, it's very insightful. I'm hoping it will help me with understanding and changing my behaviours
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by MakingMeHappy
I'm so glad that I read this thread today. My first relationship after my divorce from AXH ended last month. I was with my ex-boyfriend for over a year. I was hesitant at first with my feelings but eventually fell in love with him. When he dumped me, I was heartbroken. I'm 44 and my marriage was for 20 years. I hadn't been dumped since I was a teenager. I was stuck for weeks wondering what I did wrong that messed things up. I kept trying to talk to him about what happened. Much of the advice on this thread about looking inward is exactly what I've finally started to do to help myself. Moving on and loving yourself first is the key to happiness. Nobody is perfect but we are each loveable and deserving of respect.
I know that the guy I am dating dumped a woman after dating her for a year when he was fresh out of his divorce and he most recently said stuff to me like, "Hey, I know what I want you to get me for Christmas....unless you dump me before then." He knows how fragile he was emotionally after his divorce and I think he wonders if I will do the same as he did to his xgf. He let her go because he wasn't ready emotionally and because she was getting too needy and possessive.
I think the lesson here and in life is that relationships sometimes come to an end and sometimes it's not our fault. Sometimes people are unpredictable, unreliable, hurtful, untrustworthy, or unkind. Does that mean we should put ourselves on a shelf and never risk loving another human being again? I hope not. I know that my bf could call me up today and say he found someone else or that he just isn't that into me. That brings about a ton of fear within me, but I know now that that's MY issue. Yet, he knows that I could also do the same. Life and love come with risks, whether you are with an alcoholic/addict or whether it's even just a friendship. I try very hard to not walk around with all that fear, I face it head on daily.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
We can't be perfect parents, either. You've "been there" and will continue to be there for your son throughout his life. Maybe use some of this time and energy you'd be spending on the men in your life to build a really good relationship with him. That will pay off for years and years to come.
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