PennyLane76

Second post here after reading posts for years and a few half hearted attempts to quit. I first posted Monday on my Day 5, which was a tough day. Night terrors and lots of physical pains from previous injuries (what is that about?). Well, I caved and drank two glasses of wine Monday and also yesterday. Monday I did it alone at home, my trigger. I'm trying to be positive and tell myself it was only 2 glasses, not 2 bottles which is where I was. I poured the rest of the bottle down the sink. Yesterday it was out to dinner with a friend, which has never been a problem, I can always stop happily after a couple of drinks in that situation. Today I woke up extremely anxious again, so hoping I am not starting over. Yuck. Day 4 and 5 were brutal and I'm mad I may go through those again. What is different this time is I really see what my trigger is now, its a well paying job people would kill for, but leaves me unfulfilled.. so what do I do? Feel guilty I have this job ..... leave early (I'm not in an office so am self managed).. start with one bottle and drink quickly before spouse gets home, then often drive while intoxicated for another bottle and bag of potato chips to again drink and eat quickly to hide the evidence. Wait till trash day and go around the house finding hidden bottles to hide in recycle bin. At my age I cannot find a different job without taking an enormous pay cut, so must deal with it somehow. New strategy... do NOT drive home before 4 pm, even if that means sitting in my car, just don't head towards home which means a last minute dash to the store. I'm sure lots of you have been through this... did I reset my body to go through the first days of sobriety over again? Trying not to beat myself up and stick with plan. I don't know if I can ever be a social drinker (again wasn't the issue) but I am determined to stop being a secret , alone at home binge drinker. I have a drs apt next week to go over my labs, sure it wont be pretty and will finally come clean to my doc then too. I have had two injuries directly related to being drunk at home and falling which I lied about to everyone. This forum is so helpful, I don't feel so isolated, thank you. Really hope I didn't set myself up for a worse next few days than before

biminiblue

If you make this the last time, you won't have these fears again - no way to know if it is worse than it might have been. Might be.

I don't think you did yourself any favors by going back, that's for sure.

Make it stick and this will be the end of all that misery.

I figured everything was a trigger and everything had to be questioned, treated carefully, and most things had to be changed.

Welcome to the forums. Hope to see you around.

SweetBaby

Sadie don't beat yourself up. However I would hope that drinking 2 glasses will have much less physical withdrawals than 2 bottles.

I know you say you cant find a new job. However talk with your husband about unhappy you are with your job. He may be able to help. Plus it never hurts to look. Maybe with that time you have after work you can go to the library and post resumes on the computer?

Glad you recognized that you got sucked back into the trap. Get out now!

CaseyW

Glad you're back, Sadie. I've heard many others say that changing up their routine was a big part of their early recovery--taking a different route to and from work each day, not bringing any money with them to work so they couldn't stop at the liquor store or bar on the way home, bringing lunch with them, etc.

I highly suggest joining the new Class of July 2015 thread found on this same forum. It's a great way to learn from and help others who are in early recovery.

Wishing you the best today...

Anna

Yes, make sure that this time is your last time.

I drank alone, at home, hiding it as well as I could. For me, the lying and hiding was as negative for me as the drinking itself. It caused such a downward spiral. Initially, I told myself I would be able to drink socially because I didn't overdo it in those situations, but I found it didn't work. For me, stopping and not drinking at all is freedom from the obsession.

Soberwolf

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

doggonecarl

I don't doubt you are unfulfilled at work, and that is a terrible thing, especially since a huge part of our life is tied to our job. But to make the link between that un-fulfillment and your drinking might be a stretch. Alcoholics drink. That's what we do.

Get sober, then work on either making your job more satisfying, or finding a new job. But the foundation upon which to do this is sobriety. First.

ScottFromWI

I had many, many attempts at trying to re-train myself to be a "social" drinker, and countless other attempts at moderation ( drinking only at night, drinking only on weekends, drinking only light beer, alternating days, alternating between NA beer and regular beer, drinking less than a certain number, the list goes on ). Every singe one ended up with me back at binge drinking every day though. The only solution was to unconditionally accept that I can never drink responsibly, not even just one drink. Once that acceptance was reached it was a lot easier to start moving forward. If you have any shred of doubt in your mind that you will somehow be able to return to regular drinking, you probably will return to drinking.

PurpleKnight

You can do this Sadie!!

For me life started to look up when I finally parting ways with alcohol on a permanent basis, no more trying to moderate, no more being consumed with counting my drinks and trying to justify to myself that I had everything under control, life got a whole lot simpler with alcohol off the table!!

Dee74

Some great advice here Sadie

I tried to limit my drinking to just with other people too - I could never manage it...that home alone time was too inviting.

I realised if I wanted to kill that desire I need to stop drinking completely.

However scary that sounds to you, it's been one of the best decisions I ever made

D

thomas11

Hi Sadie, in reading your OP, the amount of work, energy and thought you are putting into your drinking should tell you something, and I think it is. You clearly understand the issue. If you've been reading posts for years you certainly have some tools in your toolbox, now would be the time to start using them, agree?

PennyLane76

Yes, I blew it. The moderate drinking led to yet again secretly drinking at home (2 bottles Saturday).

I cannot drink. My life has changed since I started drinking so much 6 years ago, no joy, hobbies discarded, social activities declining... (late in life to binge drinking...over 50, now that I think about it, started after abrupt menopause)

So here I am again on Day 2. Big reveal to Dr. will be on Day 4, so we will see how that goes and what is recommended. He knows I have on and off anxiety issues, job issues, but no clue about my drinking. Have Xanax to get me through the out of control anxiety I expect next few days. Not worried about overusing this, if im not anxious I don't use it. I am hoping the physical pain of past injuries doesn't pop up again, I had foot surgery last year and it started hurting badly again after a few days off the sauce, quit hurting when I drink, along with chronic back problem. Have to get used to that I suppose. What I find strange is I have NO problems not drinking when I'm sick, or last year recovering from surgery. (on opiates for pain) Just didn't drink, no major anxiety, night terrors, sweating, heart racing and other problems that occur when I choose not to drink now. Makes me wonder if I'm building these withdrawal symptoms up in my head to occur?

So... here I am.. have day off (so no stopping on way home for wine , less temptation) and plan to read here, maybe post some more. Going to try to meditate which I gave up due to drinking. Wish me resolve, again. Its not luck I need, but resolve!

thomas11

Ya got my support. Other than your unsatisfactory employment, can you pinpoint anything else that may be at the root cause of wanting to drink?

nyala

Hello Sadie,

You just said... ...

Keep that thought very close to you and know that it is your thought.

Anything else that enters your head, by definition, has to be from your addiction. It will pass. It always does. And it gets easier to chase away.

In my experience, reading here helps. Posting here helps x 100.

Go well

Dee74

Welcome back Sadie

I think a definite recovery plan is the basis of lasting success.
This is a good place to start:

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

escapist

Talk to your Dr. Tell yourself that you will never drink again. Think about those injuries and what you would give to erase them. I can hardly bend my knees when stepping down the stairs. I fell hard on both of them when I was so drunk I saw double. I know you are going through a tough time. You might think sobriety is impossible. It's not. You can do it.

FreeOwl

I think if you really embrace sobriety and take actions to improve your SELF around it, you will find that your job is far more tolerable. Perhaps even enjoyable.

While jobs, spouses, diseases, ex-spouses, living situations, parents, children, neighbors, etc, etc, etc can all seem very much to be 'the problem', many of us discovered after some sober time that actually - ALCOHOL and ADDICTION was the problem. Removing the booze and treating the addictive self had positive impact on everything else.

PennyLane76

I think you are right Freeowl, that resonates. Realizing lots of things from reading here. Feeling guilty about a great job I dont enjoy was my excuse to drink. The problem is my drinking. Thank you

BecomingSober

Hi Sadie, We have some things in common. I was a later in life drinker too. An unexpected devasting divorce after 22 years really took me down. It wasn't just the last 7 years or so of heavy drinking but the loss of interest in all hobbies etc. I became, well, just a mess. I vaguely remember the person I use to be. Anyway, except for one slip up have been sober for more than three months. But I remember the injuries, bruises from running into the table, burn marks from baking when drunk. Fortunately nothing too bad. Fell off a ladder too, but wasn't hurt.
I still feel lost. haven't picked up the hobby yet. I do go to bed sober and get in some reading which wasn't possible when drunk.
Anyway, best wishes to you.
Lucy

PennyLane76

Thank you Lucy, best to you too, 3 months is great, and reading is a hobby, that's good. My incessant reading on this site lead to an article stating that resuming hobbies, previous activities may take a few months for us in recovery. trying to start with some meditation, which I used to find helpful before my several years long drinking binge which I finally see thats what it was. So far I can only do couple minutes meditating at a time. I'm so early in process I'm not sure what's going to work for my plan,at first thought filling up the time with activities would do it, then I'm thinking that may be recipe for failure to try to do things I haven't done in years, so decided to read as much as I can here instead until I see a therapist. Divorce blows , been there long time ago not my choice and it was devastating, may be there again my choice, going to review in a few months with sober brain. hopefully we will both find ourselves and our joys again. I'm sticking on here like glue for now so will see you soon