I Need Some Help...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: South
Posts: 226
Strat- I have a whirlwind of comments, cliche one liners, and experiences I want to throw at you.... I just don't know where to begin. Let me start by saying that you sound exactly like I sounded early in my sobriety. Well to be frank, I was b$tching about my folks for decades, but it only lasted a few more years into my sobriety before I took control. Maybe a slight leveling of the playing field:
My mother beat the p$ss out of me. Brooms, dr. Scholl wooden slippers, pulling my hair, ears, and of course the multiple face smacks. One particular beat down, my father actually gave me (10 year old) a Valium because I was shaking and crying so uncontrollably.
My mother used to teach at my school and made a physical example out of her strictness on me, many times throughout the years.
My father once snuck out on a vacation travel trip behind my mother, and literally revoked her travel privileges. We are obviously not native to the U.S., and my dad had one of those diplomatic type jobs. He then proceeded to send rifle armed soldiers to get my little brother. Let's just say ugly enough, that my older brother and I involved The Hague.
My mother cheated incessantly on my father, undoubtedly the cause of much of his rage and disproportionate responses. Of course, we only saw my mother being verbally and physically abused, we never knew about the cheating until much later.
My father didn't go to my wedding because I defended my mom, and didn't speak to me for ten years. Then he had a heart attack....that got us talking at least.
My dad was terminally diagnosed 7 years ago, with six months to live. He brought a box out and gave my brothers and I emails, recorded phone calls, letters by and between my mother and her various trists. We asked him why he never showed us before, he said because he needed us to be able to look her in the eye and respect her as our mother and respect their marriage. Said another way, although they fought about it all the time, he wanted us the children to never believe it could really be true...he took the fall as the evil father/husband (which to some extent he was nonetheless).
For years I hated them. I just could not understand how they didn't pick the children and put them first. My mother let my father miss my wedding and not talk to me for a decade because she wasn't willing to expose her lies. My father knew I was being manipulated and lied to by my mother. He should have seen passed it and accepted me. Neither of them ever picked right....they always picked themselves first.
When my dad died, I moved towns and schools just so my kids would never set foot in one of my mother's classes. And I prayed that my dad would die faster just so the misery of our family would end!
I got sober a few years after his death, but after much torture of my mother. The saying that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned pales in comparison to a child scorned. I verbally, relationship wise, and through my children absolutely annihilated my mother. She would ask to see my kids, and I would say no, we are making pancakes, and frankly I can think of nothing worse than subjecting my kids to your company during that process. She once called me when she was pretty ill to get her medicine.. My first question was: have you called the ambulance? No, then obviously it's not that bad, you can wait. I hated her, deep down loathed her in my core.
I got sober late 2011, and moved from our city six months later. Over the last 3 years I have been soul searching, struggling, tryin( to be a good person. And yet, I still struggled to forgive her and by extension my dad. Then this last December, I had a spiritual awakening. I was tired of being angry, I wanted a mother like everybody else has. I even started to realize that just as much of my crazy is due to my upbringing, so too must my parents' crazy. They were victims of their upbringing and environment. Somehow, I just gave up being angry, and wanted to just start living.... I didn't want to think about hating my mom, I wanted to go hiking with my mom (that is.... To start living). I even invited her and her boyfriend (one she actually cheated on my father with) to visit and stay with us over new year. And this is what I concluded: I am not her judge. I never walked in her shoes. I have no idea what caused her behavior with my dad, and I will never have context. I have no idea what abuse she experienced as a child. All I do know is she is my mother, and deep down in her own way, she did the best she knew how to do. It was the best two weeks I spent with my mother in 40 years.
You know what's missing? I didn't understand that before my dad died, and guess what? He's dead, we will never have that chance to fix things. Don't follow what I did, you still have a chance.
My mother beat the p$ss out of me. Brooms, dr. Scholl wooden slippers, pulling my hair, ears, and of course the multiple face smacks. One particular beat down, my father actually gave me (10 year old) a Valium because I was shaking and crying so uncontrollably.
My mother used to teach at my school and made a physical example out of her strictness on me, many times throughout the years.
My father once snuck out on a vacation travel trip behind my mother, and literally revoked her travel privileges. We are obviously not native to the U.S., and my dad had one of those diplomatic type jobs. He then proceeded to send rifle armed soldiers to get my little brother. Let's just say ugly enough, that my older brother and I involved The Hague.
My mother cheated incessantly on my father, undoubtedly the cause of much of his rage and disproportionate responses. Of course, we only saw my mother being verbally and physically abused, we never knew about the cheating until much later.
My father didn't go to my wedding because I defended my mom, and didn't speak to me for ten years. Then he had a heart attack....that got us talking at least.
My dad was terminally diagnosed 7 years ago, with six months to live. He brought a box out and gave my brothers and I emails, recorded phone calls, letters by and between my mother and her various trists. We asked him why he never showed us before, he said because he needed us to be able to look her in the eye and respect her as our mother and respect their marriage. Said another way, although they fought about it all the time, he wanted us the children to never believe it could really be true...he took the fall as the evil father/husband (which to some extent he was nonetheless).
For years I hated them. I just could not understand how they didn't pick the children and put them first. My mother let my father miss my wedding and not talk to me for a decade because she wasn't willing to expose her lies. My father knew I was being manipulated and lied to by my mother. He should have seen passed it and accepted me. Neither of them ever picked right....they always picked themselves first.
When my dad died, I moved towns and schools just so my kids would never set foot in one of my mother's classes. And I prayed that my dad would die faster just so the misery of our family would end!
I got sober a few years after his death, but after much torture of my mother. The saying that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned pales in comparison to a child scorned. I verbally, relationship wise, and through my children absolutely annihilated my mother. She would ask to see my kids, and I would say no, we are making pancakes, and frankly I can think of nothing worse than subjecting my kids to your company during that process. She once called me when she was pretty ill to get her medicine.. My first question was: have you called the ambulance? No, then obviously it's not that bad, you can wait. I hated her, deep down loathed her in my core.
I got sober late 2011, and moved from our city six months later. Over the last 3 years I have been soul searching, struggling, tryin( to be a good person. And yet, I still struggled to forgive her and by extension my dad. Then this last December, I had a spiritual awakening. I was tired of being angry, I wanted a mother like everybody else has. I even started to realize that just as much of my crazy is due to my upbringing, so too must my parents' crazy. They were victims of their upbringing and environment. Somehow, I just gave up being angry, and wanted to just start living.... I didn't want to think about hating my mom, I wanted to go hiking with my mom (that is.... To start living). I even invited her and her boyfriend (one she actually cheated on my father with) to visit and stay with us over new year. And this is what I concluded: I am not her judge. I never walked in her shoes. I have no idea what caused her behavior with my dad, and I will never have context. I have no idea what abuse she experienced as a child. All I do know is she is my mother, and deep down in her own way, she did the best she knew how to do. It was the best two weeks I spent with my mother in 40 years.
You know what's missing? I didn't understand that before my dad died, and guess what? He's dead, we will never have that chance to fix things. Don't follow what I did, you still have a chance.
Last edited by DrunkTx; 06-14-2015 at 05:02 PM. Reason: Spelling
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I can't say anything new to you that I have not said before I think, perhaps just one thing. I feel that now that you don't have drugs and alcohol, your own pain and suffering has become your addiction. It all reminds me of this story, please read it:
https://l1or.wordpress.com/2010/09/0...-and-his-bone/
I think that you really need help to let go of this current addiction, Strat.
https://l1or.wordpress.com/2010/09/0...-and-his-bone/
I think that you really need help to let go of this current addiction, Strat.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Exactly silent run I can speak to that. I have always been 'one of the lads', cool as a breeze, very dependable right and left hand man but slowly something was creeping in on me from the start of my teens. It used to very much bust out on drinking sessions I now know, but eventually I had a handle on it (through what I understand now is probably faith) but it was always there, and still creeping creeping in my early 20's until it was becoming more conscious and I was thinking to myself 'there is something very different about me than my mates' and I started to identify some bits like a fear of intimacy, anxieties, fear and it was getting worse and eventually it blew up and I had a meltdown. And so on. Anyway, it was all the aforementioned plus more. I was thinking of some 80's horror movie when writing that but can't remember the name 
Dee, man. Good comment that and I would lean toward believing it, I guess that's faith too. But I don't have my proverbial hands around anyone throats. Video call if you don't believe me, but I'm shy like that I am in good form here. Have been having mostly brighter days recently. Although I must be subconciously stressed over the court because I am not sleeping these past few days, but that has always been the way. On that note I better hit the hay guys.
edit- thanks all.
Dee, man. Good comment that and I would lean toward believing it, I guess that's faith too. But I don't have my proverbial hands around anyone throats. Video call if you don't believe me, but I'm shy like that I am in good form here. Have been having mostly brighter days recently. Although I must be subconciously stressed over the court because I am not sleeping these past few days, but that has always been the way. On that note I better hit the hay guys.
edit- thanks all.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Several months back Strat you said the same to me - that you don't have your hands around any necks.
Ok.
So why are most of your writings here mired in the past?
What's keeping you from moving on from those events, tragic and horrible as they must be?
what are you waiting for?
what would you need for these things to resolve and achieve closure?
apologies? a few mea culpas?
absolution?
I think haennie's onto something Strat - I don't know how to pretty it up, but you have a lot invested in your pasts and in what should have happened and what people should have done.
I didn't like thinking about that stuff - but nonetheless I had a strange familiarity with it, a comfortableness.
I had nothing to prove if I was the screw up everyone said I was, and if I achieved nothing, it wasn't my fault because of the very bad things that happened to me.
some people spend their entire lives like that - they're so shaped by things that happened in their past they can never never find their way out of dysfunction and move on...
but...a lot of folks do.
I really hope you decide to join them Strat.
D
Ok.
So why are most of your writings here mired in the past?
What's keeping you from moving on from those events, tragic and horrible as they must be?
what are you waiting for?
what would you need for these things to resolve and achieve closure?
apologies? a few mea culpas?
absolution?
I think haennie's onto something Strat - I don't know how to pretty it up, but you have a lot invested in your pasts and in what should have happened and what people should have done.
I didn't like thinking about that stuff - but nonetheless I had a strange familiarity with it, a comfortableness.
I had nothing to prove if I was the screw up everyone said I was, and if I achieved nothing, it wasn't my fault because of the very bad things that happened to me.
some people spend their entire lives like that - they're so shaped by things that happened in their past they can never never find their way out of dysfunction and move on...
but...a lot of folks do.
I really hope you decide to join them Strat.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Originally Posted by Dee74 
So why are most of your writings here mired in the past?
It's not true that I am addicted to my pain, someone said that to me before. Alcohol kinda does that to me though. And when I was perpetually breaking up with that girl, I was very much in pain yes. And I was maybe addicted to it then.
It wasn't real love. And it wasn't of the unconditional kind. It wasn't even anything like that, an illusion basically. I'd love to say life is wonderful, well in fact it is, I just have not found a way to make it wonderful on a daily basis. I'm trying.
I suppose it is stressors that I have been talking about on here.
From the past, present and future. Plenty of those still. Ok, tbc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Originally Posted by Dee74
You're as free to disagree with me as I am with you Strat.
You guys are exactly right. You, EG and others. Because I just watched my past evaporate into nothing yesterday.
I came to an almost peculiar realisation that everything in my life both good and bad has unfolded exactly as it should have up to now.
Since joining here I came down the slide, hopped onto the rollercoaster, was enjoying the merry-go-round and spent a bit of time on the see-saw and swings .
I guess it's time for me to leave the bemusement park behind altogether and start moving forward now. I don't think that there is much more to say than that. Sh!t just got real.
I've been examining my history a lot, I may volunteer my service to the board a little in the coming days and weeks to keep myself on an even keel. I'm also gonna get the ball rolling here IRL.
Thank you for the sound advice and patience dudes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Faith, Dee man! I'l admit that it does not come easy to me at every hour of every day, because I got stuff to be thinking about.
But I am beginning to identify with it now, something that I could not get a proper handle on at all when I was drinking tbh.
I've been missing my jilbab, incense and other things recently. Lol. And on that note, I gotta take a shower then begin my morning reflections here.
I had to cram my morning afternoon and evening ones into a quick little session yesterday but it was better than nothing.
I will say one more thing and it's the last time I will say it because it is no joke. Guess who was cowering in the courtroom the other day? Yeah, I knew it a hundred different ways but for me it is confirmed.
I only looked at her once when we were on the stand to say that she cannot leave the child on his own where my mother lives, I could not stress that part enough.
Guys I am going to need all the help I can get if I can get any at all, seriously. I'm out, peace out
But I am beginning to identify with it now, something that I could not get a proper handle on at all when I was drinking tbh.
I've been missing my jilbab, incense and other things recently. Lol. And on that note, I gotta take a shower then begin my morning reflections here.
I had to cram my morning afternoon and evening ones into a quick little session yesterday but it was better than nothing.
I will say one more thing and it's the last time I will say it because it is no joke. Guess who was cowering in the courtroom the other day? Yeah, I knew it a hundred different ways but for me it is confirmed.
I only looked at her once when we were on the stand to say that she cannot leave the child on his own where my mother lives, I could not stress that part enough.
Guys I am going to need all the help I can get if I can get any at all, seriously. I'm out, peace out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Middle of the night here and I can't sleep, my stomach ulcers are playing up again. Something I've had trouble with in and off since I was a kid but only found out recently its a symptom of traumatic stress.
I'm looking for a comment where someone said it sounds like I have been victimised but this thread I want to bump for my own reading purposes again, there are good points made here.
I want to say something that I have felt for a long time but have never said it before. I have been victimized at home and outside it now for a very, very long time. A lot of people know it too. There, I said it.
I'm looking for a comment where someone said it sounds like I have been victimised but this thread I want to bump for my own reading purposes again, there are good points made here.
I want to say something that I have felt for a long time but have never said it before. I have been victimized at home and outside it now for a very, very long time. A lot of people know it too. There, I said it.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by Stratman1
Middle of the night here and I can't sleep, my stomach ulcers are playing up again. Something I've had trouble with in and off since I was a kid but only found out recently its a symptom of traumatic stress.
I'm looking for a comment where someone said it sounds like I have been victimised but this thread I want to bump for my own reading purposes again, there are good points made here.
I want to say something that I have felt for a long time but have never said it before. I have been victimized at home and outside it now for a very, very long time. A lot of people know it too. There, I said it.
I'm looking for a comment where someone said it sounds like I have been victimised but this thread I want to bump for my own reading purposes again, there are good points made here.
I want to say something that I have felt for a long time but have never said it before. I have been victimized at home and outside it now for a very, very long time. A lot of people know it too. There, I said it.
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