What I learned on my vacation
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
What I learned on my vacation
Leaving the safety net of the small time boxes of my life for the big unknown of a vacation is a terrifying thing for an alone alcoholic and drug addict. But it's in the face of that unknown that I craved the opportunity to heal.
Ever go to a therapist? Where we seek to figure out life's puzzles and dramas in 45 minute sessions strung together week after week. All in hopes that we can "get out" what has stuck to us along the way. I solved that surface stuff years ago. I skimmed that pond already. So I know I am at a point where I needed a bit of time for a deep dive ... So I jumped in with both feet.
Finding the root cause to why I drink is like finding a Jeanie in a bottle. You can rub it all you want but when you finally get your wish you can't really be sure you got what you asked for. It's apparently all in the interpretation now isn't it?
My biggest days were when I faced the beach and party places of my past. Seeing my old homestead in disrepair and reminding myself of the locations where drinking and drugs took hold. Well... Came to the surface is probably a better statement. Seeing what I thought was the start point gave me a new perspective.
I allowed myself to wallow during the next few days. I lost track of routines and times. I did things at off hours... For me anyway. I asked nothing of myself. If I sat I sat. If I got to the gym I would. Funny I never did until today.
The biggest day was my mothers death day. Just yesterday I woke differently than I woke today. My heart is lighter than air this morning.
I looked at some pictures of her. I thought back on past anniversaries. I thought how much she has seen of my sadness expressed in blackouts and drug fueled parties. How disappointed she was when she found out that, as she put it, I had a different kind of love. Mothers always know. Especially a young sensitive boy like me who was empathic enough to comfort her after the dreadful loss of my sister at age 5.
I found the stretching of my emotional range both helpful and hopeful this past week. I visited places I long wrote off as unsolvable. What snapped me back was a simple picture. My cousin saw my memorial post and sent me a picture of my mother, myself and my older brother. It was taken around the table to celebrate my mothers birthday and thanksgiving. The same day. This photo was just three short months after my sisters death. I was glued to her side. The look on her face I knew well. I had no idea then what had been or what would come. I saw innocence lost for both of us.
But it reminded me that this is not all about me. I learned to forgive her more yesterday than I had in years. I am learning to forgive myself in the process. Loosening the death grip I have on life just a little to allow routine to fall away and still remain sober is a good lesson to learn. One that will certainly require more practice. Lol... Next vacation is in a month. How about I stick to a simple beach day and cook out for that one huh?
K
Ever go to a therapist? Where we seek to figure out life's puzzles and dramas in 45 minute sessions strung together week after week. All in hopes that we can "get out" what has stuck to us along the way. I solved that surface stuff years ago. I skimmed that pond already. So I know I am at a point where I needed a bit of time for a deep dive ... So I jumped in with both feet.
Finding the root cause to why I drink is like finding a Jeanie in a bottle. You can rub it all you want but when you finally get your wish you can't really be sure you got what you asked for. It's apparently all in the interpretation now isn't it?
My biggest days were when I faced the beach and party places of my past. Seeing my old homestead in disrepair and reminding myself of the locations where drinking and drugs took hold. Well... Came to the surface is probably a better statement. Seeing what I thought was the start point gave me a new perspective.
I allowed myself to wallow during the next few days. I lost track of routines and times. I did things at off hours... For me anyway. I asked nothing of myself. If I sat I sat. If I got to the gym I would. Funny I never did until today.
The biggest day was my mothers death day. Just yesterday I woke differently than I woke today. My heart is lighter than air this morning.
I looked at some pictures of her. I thought back on past anniversaries. I thought how much she has seen of my sadness expressed in blackouts and drug fueled parties. How disappointed she was when she found out that, as she put it, I had a different kind of love. Mothers always know. Especially a young sensitive boy like me who was empathic enough to comfort her after the dreadful loss of my sister at age 5.
I found the stretching of my emotional range both helpful and hopeful this past week. I visited places I long wrote off as unsolvable. What snapped me back was a simple picture. My cousin saw my memorial post and sent me a picture of my mother, myself and my older brother. It was taken around the table to celebrate my mothers birthday and thanksgiving. The same day. This photo was just three short months after my sisters death. I was glued to her side. The look on her face I knew well. I had no idea then what had been or what would come. I saw innocence lost for both of us.
But it reminded me that this is not all about me. I learned to forgive her more yesterday than I had in years. I am learning to forgive myself in the process. Loosening the death grip I have on life just a little to allow routine to fall away and still remain sober is a good lesson to learn. One that will certainly require more practice. Lol... Next vacation is in a month. How about I stick to a simple beach day and cook out for that one huh?
K
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
I followed your journey this week and was inspired by the courage you showed facing some really hard things head on and sober. It really touched me.
Well done and thank you for sharing your vacation with us!
Xoxo
Well done and thank you for sharing your vacation with us!
Xoxo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yes, please stick to a simpler one!
I find I have to re-forgive as new memories come up. I roll them around a bit, try to make them about me, then realize I'm doing it again.
I have similar stories of innocence lost, I'll bet a lot of us do. Lots of things change in an instant and change how we perceive our world. I think as children we just aren't equipped to process them.
How horrible it would have been to die bitter and numbed out to it all with drugs and alcohol.
I'm grateful for the continuous grace I'm given to forgive myself and people from my past. It is a daily exercise for me, but it is a healthy one. The only way I've been open to doing what is right and good is by staying sober and looking for the good.
Thanks for taking us with you.
I particularly liked the "so many little toes" picture. All that life going on under that party pier.
I find I have to re-forgive as new memories come up. I roll them around a bit, try to make them about me, then realize I'm doing it again.
I have similar stories of innocence lost, I'll bet a lot of us do. Lots of things change in an instant and change how we perceive our world. I think as children we just aren't equipped to process them.
How horrible it would have been to die bitter and numbed out to it all with drugs and alcohol.
I'm grateful for the continuous grace I'm given to forgive myself and people from my past. It is a daily exercise for me, but it is a healthy one. The only way I've been open to doing what is right and good is by staying sober and looking for the good.
Thanks for taking us with you.
I particularly liked the "so many little toes" picture. All that life going on under that party pier.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hi Ken ,
I'm glad you made it through. It sounds like you've learned and have maybe found some level of acceptance.
I know sometimes with the things that happen scars will be there and they will always be tender , i think that we can still grow strong and beautiful .
I used to work on Dartmoor a bleak and windswept place at times , sometimes a tree would grow , short , stunted , blown sideways shaped like a wedge with the prevailing wind , that tree was still beautiful .
Not a victim, a survivor
big hug , m
I'm glad you made it through. It sounds like you've learned and have maybe found some level of acceptance.
I know sometimes with the things that happen scars will be there and they will always be tender , i think that we can still grow strong and beautiful .
I used to work on Dartmoor a bleak and windswept place at times , sometimes a tree would grow , short , stunted , blown sideways shaped like a wedge with the prevailing wind , that tree was still beautiful .
Not a victim, a survivor
big hug , m
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