Took my bf on a trip to meet my family, it was a disaster. Need advice please!!
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Took my bf on a trip to meet my family, it was a disaster. Need advice please!!
Firstly, I'm an alcoholic and have almost 2 years sober. Have been with my bf for over a year, and we've been in recovery together--up until the last 4-5 months, he has relapsed several times and they seem to be getting more frequent. He has lied to me too many times to count, even after he has sobered up. The drinking episodes are horrific--chugging high volumes of hard alcohol, after which he goes into withdrawals I've never seen so bad.
I think I was in denial of how bad his addiction is and was being selfish in wanting him to come with me on a trip to meet my family for my cousin's wedding. The trip was 4 days which included the wedding, a farm party, and a couple days to just hang out with family. I wasn't able to bring him to the wedding b/c I wasn't able to bring a +1 (no one could bring their significant other unless they were engaged or married). In my mind, I figured that was only 1 day, and the rest of the time we could participate together with the family.
Turns out I was completely stupid for thinking this could work. He was at the hotel all alone which was very hard for him. He didn't drink that day, but had seen a bottle of codeine cough syrup at my Aunt's house and devised a plan to go to Walgreen's and replace the bottle with regular cough syrup. The next night, he did this and I could tell he was extremely intoxicated (I didn't know what he had drank/taken). Confronted him about it the next morning, but he denied everything.
Well, we were on our way to the farm party when he confessed about stealing the cough syrup. I was extremely angry and hurt. I was actually shocked. I couldn't believe he would do this on this trip. I'd worked hard to get us a nice hotel room and convince my mom he was okay to come with us (she knew about his relapses and was hesitant but in the weeks leading up to trip, I had tried to smooth things over and make things okay). He kept saying he was sorry and wanted me to forgive him. I told him we just needed to get through the party and we would talk about it later. An hour later, he was completely wasted, sneaking off to get more drinks, and my mom and I had to escort him back to the car. It was embarrassing and I didn't get to spend as much time with my family.
So basically, as I am typing this, I am realizing that I'm a huge idiot. Clearly I should not have brought him, and I have said I'm sorry for putting him in this situation, and apologizing to my mom for bringing him.
I'm also extremely angry and hurt and heartbroken. Apparently my experience being an alcoholic is no help here, b/c I just can't wrap my mind around how cough syrup and alcohol is so much more important than me, my family, our whole relationship--we had an amazing relationship, we helped each other in recovery, and there was so much trust and love, and now it's apparently worthless.
Feel free to call me out my co-dependencies and give my the cold hard truth. I'm so angry and devastated right now. Also, his counselor seemed to understand why he did this and that I should not have taken him on this trip. Well that's true, but that's just an excuse! It's his fault for drinking, and he can't blame the situation. I personally feel he would have drank at home or on the trip. He wants to blame the trip--so apparently it's all MY fault.
I apologize for the emotional post. I needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.
I think I was in denial of how bad his addiction is and was being selfish in wanting him to come with me on a trip to meet my family for my cousin's wedding. The trip was 4 days which included the wedding, a farm party, and a couple days to just hang out with family. I wasn't able to bring him to the wedding b/c I wasn't able to bring a +1 (no one could bring their significant other unless they were engaged or married). In my mind, I figured that was only 1 day, and the rest of the time we could participate together with the family.
Turns out I was completely stupid for thinking this could work. He was at the hotel all alone which was very hard for him. He didn't drink that day, but had seen a bottle of codeine cough syrup at my Aunt's house and devised a plan to go to Walgreen's and replace the bottle with regular cough syrup. The next night, he did this and I could tell he was extremely intoxicated (I didn't know what he had drank/taken). Confronted him about it the next morning, but he denied everything.
Well, we were on our way to the farm party when he confessed about stealing the cough syrup. I was extremely angry and hurt. I was actually shocked. I couldn't believe he would do this on this trip. I'd worked hard to get us a nice hotel room and convince my mom he was okay to come with us (she knew about his relapses and was hesitant but in the weeks leading up to trip, I had tried to smooth things over and make things okay). He kept saying he was sorry and wanted me to forgive him. I told him we just needed to get through the party and we would talk about it later. An hour later, he was completely wasted, sneaking off to get more drinks, and my mom and I had to escort him back to the car. It was embarrassing and I didn't get to spend as much time with my family.
So basically, as I am typing this, I am realizing that I'm a huge idiot. Clearly I should not have brought him, and I have said I'm sorry for putting him in this situation, and apologizing to my mom for bringing him.
I'm also extremely angry and hurt and heartbroken. Apparently my experience being an alcoholic is no help here, b/c I just can't wrap my mind around how cough syrup and alcohol is so much more important than me, my family, our whole relationship--we had an amazing relationship, we helped each other in recovery, and there was so much trust and love, and now it's apparently worthless.
Feel free to call me out my co-dependencies and give my the cold hard truth. I'm so angry and devastated right now. Also, his counselor seemed to understand why he did this and that I should not have taken him on this trip. Well that's true, but that's just an excuse! It's his fault for drinking, and he can't blame the situation. I personally feel he would have drank at home or on the trip. He wants to blame the trip--so apparently it's all MY fault.
I apologize for the emotional post. I needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.
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it ain't you......
it ain't the trip.....
it ain't Aunt Martha's cough syrup left in sight.
it's him and his addiction. poor baby couldn't be left all by his lonesome for one whole day and had to get f'd up on COUGH SYRUP instead. that's ON HIM. what a douche. and then he got drunk on top of that.
here's the thing Kristy, he was getting drunk BEFORE the trip. relapsing frequently. he would have gotten drunk ANYWHERE. that he could not keep it together for a short 4 day trip is not YOUR fault.
i am very sorry that this happened during your time to be with your family. lesson learned. i think this may be a good "thinking point" for you - your sobriety is the most important thing here. and your sanity! and a syrup slurping, sneaky drunk might not be the most conducive to that. you've been together just OVER a year and he's been drinking again the last 5 months. so that's really only a 7-8 month span of time before he got the ball rolling again.
it ain't the trip.....
it ain't Aunt Martha's cough syrup left in sight.
it's him and his addiction. poor baby couldn't be left all by his lonesome for one whole day and had to get f'd up on COUGH SYRUP instead. that's ON HIM. what a douche. and then he got drunk on top of that.
here's the thing Kristy, he was getting drunk BEFORE the trip. relapsing frequently. he would have gotten drunk ANYWHERE. that he could not keep it together for a short 4 day trip is not YOUR fault.
i am very sorry that this happened during your time to be with your family. lesson learned. i think this may be a good "thinking point" for you - your sobriety is the most important thing here. and your sanity! and a syrup slurping, sneaky drunk might not be the most conducive to that. you've been together just OVER a year and he's been drinking again the last 5 months. so that's really only a 7-8 month span of time before he got the ball rolling again.
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Sounds like you had a perfectly normal desire to introduce your significant other to your family.
But then...alcoholism.
I wouldn't say this is your fault. He is responsible for his choices. He could have said no to the trip, or to the cough syrup or made any number of other choices and had a different outcome.
Maybe it's time to examine your expectations in regard to this man and this relationship. You want a partner you can "bring home to mom." You want a partner you can trust. He doesn't sound like the right guy for those kinds of hopes and expectations.
But then...alcoholism.
I wouldn't say this is your fault. He is responsible for his choices. He could have said no to the trip, or to the cough syrup or made any number of other choices and had a different outcome.
Maybe it's time to examine your expectations in regard to this man and this relationship. You want a partner you can "bring home to mom." You want a partner you can trust. He doesn't sound like the right guy for those kinds of hopes and expectations.
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I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds very rough. You can't blame yourself though. From what it sounds like, it wasn't like you were taking him to the bar or something. There is a big difference between putting somebody in a bad situation and them taking responsibility for their actions. He was drinking cough syrup that he stole from your aunt. That is definitely not on you.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The only thing you can take the blame for is maybe having unrealistic expectations of how he would behave. Alcoholics deep in their addiction (which is apparently where he's at right now--staying dry for short stints doesn't count as "recovery") aren't moved by "important"--whether it's important to them or important to you. He would have effed up at his own family's gathering, if that's any consolation.
I'm sorry you had a terrible time--I've been there, done that, and have more T-shirts than I care to think about.
Anvil's right, protect your own sobriety at all costs. The one thing you don't want to do is join him in his downward spiral.
Hugs,
I'm sorry you had a terrible time--I've been there, done that, and have more T-shirts than I care to think about.
Anvil's right, protect your own sobriety at all costs. The one thing you don't want to do is join him in his downward spiral.
Hugs,
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KristyKat....the think that I find so very astounding, in this particular situation, is that, as an alcoholic yourself----especially after being in recovery for 2years......is that you didn't seem to undertand that the alcoholic who is actively drinking and who has had significant withdrawl symptoms when not drinking.....that this person is going to have enormous, overwhelming compulsion to drink---even if they promised not to.
When the physical withdrawl hits, and the alcoholic voice is talking, it is pure folly not to expect the alcoholic to drink.
As an alcoholic, you know that the desire to do controlled drinking is the most fervent desire----and that the denial is the cardinal symptom of this disease.
Of course, he is in denial----he is a drinking alcoholic.....
He did not do this because of you. It didn't have anything to do with you.
He is an alcoholic---this is what they do because of their disease.
I highly suggest that you read the writings of Floyd P. Garrett, M.d. (you can do a google search to find them.)
These articles explain the workings of the alcoholic mind as well as any that I have ever read!
dandylion
When the physical withdrawl hits, and the alcoholic voice is talking, it is pure folly not to expect the alcoholic to drink.
As an alcoholic, you know that the desire to do controlled drinking is the most fervent desire----and that the denial is the cardinal symptom of this disease.
Of course, he is in denial----he is a drinking alcoholic.....
He did not do this because of you. It didn't have anything to do with you.
He is an alcoholic---this is what they do because of their disease.
I highly suggest that you read the writings of Floyd P. Garrett, M.d. (you can do a google search to find them.)
These articles explain the workings of the alcoholic mind as well as any that I have ever read!
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
KristyKat....the think that I find so very astounding, in this particular situation, is that, as an alcoholic yourself----especially after being in recovery for 2years......is that you didn't seem to undertand that the alcoholic who is actively drinking and who has had significant withdrawl symptoms when not drinking.....that this person is going to have enormous, overwhelming compulsion to drink---even if they promised not to.
When the physical withdrawl hits, and the alcoholic voice is talking, it is pure folly not to expect the alcoholic to drink.
As an alcoholic, you know that the desire to do controlled drinking is the most fervent desire----and that the denial is the cardinal symptom of this disease.
Of course, he is in denial----he is a drinking alcoholic.....
He did not do this because of you. It didn't have anything to do with you.
He is an alcoholic---this is what they do because of their disease.
I highly suggest that you read the writings of Floyd P. Garrett, M.d. (you can do a google search to find them.)
These articles explain the workings of the alcoholic mind as well as any that I have ever read!
dandylion
When the physical withdrawl hits, and the alcoholic voice is talking, it is pure folly not to expect the alcoholic to drink.
As an alcoholic, you know that the desire to do controlled drinking is the most fervent desire----and that the denial is the cardinal symptom of this disease.
Of course, he is in denial----he is a drinking alcoholic.....
He did not do this because of you. It didn't have anything to do with you.
He is an alcoholic---this is what they do because of their disease.
I highly suggest that you read the writings of Floyd P. Garrett, M.d. (you can do a google search to find them.)
These articles explain the workings of the alcoholic mind as well as any that I have ever read!
dandylion
Yes I understand the compulsion to drink. I was always a "binge-drinker" type alcoholic, would go months at a time w/o a drink and then plan/scheme the night where I would let myself go all out, followed by a complete meltdown the next day where I would confess everything to my parents (never had a serious relationship going on during this), felt scared out of my mind, and would try to get back into a recovery state of mind. These episodes got fewer and farther between until I just realized the pain of this was so, so much more than the tiny amount of pleasure (if any) that I got, so the last time I drank (July 4th, 2013), I just said I'm done, and did anything and everything I could (groups, meetings, readings, etc) to build my recovery and my life w/o alcohol.Now I see that everything I ever thought I got from alcohol--happiness, a social life, love, anxiety relief, etc. I have gotten from being in recovery. It's crazy and amazing. I get to live a real life now.
I knew my bf wasn't in the same place as I was when we started dating--but he was (in my eyes) certainly on his way. And of course...I thought I could help him, I could show him that there is a life and so much to experience when you get sober. The first time he relapsed, I was sad but I understood and was eager to help him. After all, I'd certainly relapsed during my journey. After a while...the lies started to hurt very deeply. It wasn't even the fact that he was drinking b/c I understood that, it was the lying. I didn't understand why he wouldn't just tell me if/when he was having drinking thoughts. I can help better than anyone with that (or so I thought).
Maybe I've forgotten how it feels to put alcohol above everything/everyone else, I'm not sure. Things were so good, and we were so happy for the first 6 months. I've only continued to get stronger and happier while he's seemed to go downhill. I wish being an alcoholic made this easier, but it doesn't!! I still feel hurt and heartbroken. I know it's a disease, I know it's power, but it still feels like he chose that over me, and it still hurts. And honestly I've never dealt with someone i love being an alcoholic.
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Kristy---If you REALLY want it "explained" to you----please read the article written by Floyd P. Garret , M.D, called: "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships". It won't take you very long to read it........It is easy to read...
It helped me to understand MY alcoholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
It helped me to understand MY alcoholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
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Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by dandylion
Kristy---If you REALLY want it "explained" to you----please read the article written by Floyd P. Garret , M.D, called: "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships". It won't take you very long to read it........It is easy to read...
It helped me to understand MY alcoholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
It helped me to understand MY alcoholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kristy.....I really do understand.... People so often ask to have the logic "explained" to them----as if there is a logical explanation that will make everything understandable.....so, that maybe, they can then fix it....
The heart is a different matter.....the heart feels what the heart feels....
and, no amount of logic can change that.....
The grieving and healing takes it's own time.....
I am so sorry for what y ou are going through.....
Just know that you are not alone and many of us DO understand......
dandylion
The heart is a different matter.....the heart feels what the heart feels....
and, no amount of logic can change that.....
The grieving and healing takes it's own time.....
I am so sorry for what y ou are going through.....
Just know that you are not alone and many of us DO understand......
dandylion
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Hi KristyCat,
First of all, congratulations on your recovery. It's wonderful reading how you've embraced it. My XAH never did, and it truly made me smile to read what you wrote:
But, I'm having a hard time understanding why you would apologize to someone for taking them with you on a long weekend to meet your family and have some wedding inspired fun. He may not have gone to the wedding itself, but the trip still sounds like it could have been a hoot.
I can see apologizing to your family for having brought Mr. Robitussin, but in apologizing to him aren't you essentially absolving him of responsibility? We both know he was going to drink that weekend no matter where he was or who he was with. Surely, on some level, he knows that as well.
I wonder...Did he ever apologize to your family?
Did he apologize to you? Is he making amends? Getting himself back into treatment?
First of all, congratulations on your recovery. It's wonderful reading how you've embraced it. My XAH never did, and it truly made me smile to read what you wrote:
Now I see that everything I ever thought I got from alcohol--happiness, a social life, love, anxiety relief, etc. I have gotten from being in recovery. It's crazy and amazing. I get to live a real life now.
I can see apologizing to your family for having brought Mr. Robitussin, but in apologizing to him aren't you essentially absolving him of responsibility? We both know he was going to drink that weekend no matter where he was or who he was with. Surely, on some level, he knows that as well.
I wonder...Did he ever apologize to your family?
Did he apologize to you? Is he making amends? Getting himself back into treatment?
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma
Hi KristyCat,
First of all, congratulations on your recovery. It's wonderful reading how you've embraced it. My XAH never did, and it truly made me smile to read what you wrote:
But, I'm having a hard time understanding why you would apologize to someone for taking them with you on a long weekend to meet your family and have some wedding inspired fun. He may not have gone to the wedding itself, but the trip still sounds like it could have been a hoot.
I can see apologizing to your family for having brought Mr. Robitussin, but in apologizing to him aren't you essentially absolving him of responsibility? We both know he was going to drink that weekend no matter where he was or who he was with. Surely, on some level, he knows that as well.
I wonder...Did he ever apologize to your family?
Did he apologize to you? Is he making amends? Getting himself back into treatment?
First of all, congratulations on your recovery. It's wonderful reading how you've embraced it. My XAH never did, and it truly made me smile to read what you wrote:
But, I'm having a hard time understanding why you would apologize to someone for taking them with you on a long weekend to meet your family and have some wedding inspired fun. He may not have gone to the wedding itself, but the trip still sounds like it could have been a hoot.
I can see apologizing to your family for having brought Mr. Robitussin, but in apologizing to him aren't you essentially absolving him of responsibility? We both know he was going to drink that weekend no matter where he was or who he was with. Surely, on some level, he knows that as well.
I wonder...Did he ever apologize to your family?
Did he apologize to you? Is he making amends? Getting himself back into treatment?
We have talked a lot since this whole ordeal. He has told me he didn't want to go, but was worried I would be mad if he didn't. Which honestly, that's probably true. I would feel mad and sad, like why wouldn't you want to come and be with me? So, I think I pressured him to be there in an uncomfortable situation for him. He'd had recent relapses, and I feel I should have known not to put him in the situation. So that's why I was sorry.
He has apologized a lot to me. We lived together, and for now, I've moved back home. I told him I need to see that he's serious about recovery before we can go back to the way things were. I'm just scared to get my heart broken again. He hasn't apologized to my mom quite yet. I think it's not appropriate at this moment tbh, b/c she doesn't think apologies mean much until she can see that he can be sober.
He's going to a group once a week, and is trying to get back into recovery. Today he was honest with the group and explained everything that happened, which was good. I'm hoping his counselor sees that he probably needs more intensive treatment than just once a week. He tried to get into a better program, but the counselor put him in this group instead (which I was confused how she couldn't see he needs something better). He says he wants to do it for him this time. I do think he means it, though I need to actually see some actions on his part to really believe it's going to happen.
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He hasn't apologized to my mom quite yet. I think it's not appropriate at this moment tbh, b/c she doesn't think apologies mean much until she can see that he can be sober.
It's good that he's showing some contrition, but if it were me that wouldn't be nearly enough to make me want to jump back in the water. I, too, have learned the hard way that there's a difference between "I'm sorry" and recovery.
I get it when you say you pressured him, and I see how that could make you feel somehow responsible for the disaster, but you're not responsible any more than your aunt is for having had a bad cough. I wonder if your need to lessen his culpability isn't perhaps an attempt at framing it as an understandable mistake, and therefore not that bad. That's not an unusual thing for people to do, but it's a dangerous thing if it keeps us in denial.
I also wonder if his not wanting to go away with you wasn't because he knew he was going to go on a bender that weekend. You yourself talk about how you would plan/scheme your drinking. I know my XAH did that as well. I suspect your boyfriend was hoping for a lovely weekend of drunkenness behind your back, and you sort of rained on his parade.
No, the more I toss this around the more I feel you have nothing to apologize for. Couples make concessions for each other all the time without raiding someones medicine cabinet.
You were right to step back from the relationship. You've done a wonderful job of recovery from the addicts side. Maybe this would be a great time to round out your recovery, and take a look at things from the codependent side. Maybe hit an Alanon meeting, or read Codependent No More, or just stick around here on the Family and Friends forum.
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I'm loving the friends and family forum!! It's definitely different to be on the other side of things. I read things and I just think, did I hurt my loved ones that much 
It's my mom and dad that I really hurt and made worry. It really motivates me to get better and succeed. But I have to say I wasn't serious about recovery until I did it entirely for myself. I think that might be the only way it really sticks. I give my mom lots of hugs now!!
I think I might try to Al-Anon thing. I've always had dependency issues in relationships. Something tells me, even if/when things get better with my bf, it will be a rocky road. I'll need to let him go and figure out his own path. I'm always trying to "show him the way" and do things the way I did them. But everyone's recovery is different. And I only know recovery from the alcoholic's side of it...I've never loved someone going through that, and how to support without getting too involved and getting hurt again.
I don't think he was planning a bender over those 4 days, but there would have been another relapse soon. That's interesting you bring up me taking responsibility to lessen the severity of his actions. I'm not really sure. I feel like through my own recovery, I tried to take responsibility for things and reflected a lot on my own mistakes. Like I've certainly had arguments where I could only see MY side of things. I was so sure I was right. Then later (usually late at night when I can't sleep), I just think holy crap, what was I thinking
As I've grown older, I've tried to really listen to the other person and see their side. In the heat of the moment, this is not easy. But in resolving issues, I try to take responsibility for my wrongs. Maybe it's just become something I do w/o thinking now.
It's my mom and dad that I really hurt and made worry. It really motivates me to get better and succeed. But I have to say I wasn't serious about recovery until I did it entirely for myself. I think that might be the only way it really sticks. I give my mom lots of hugs now!! I think I might try to Al-Anon thing. I've always had dependency issues in relationships. Something tells me, even if/when things get better with my bf, it will be a rocky road. I'll need to let him go and figure out his own path. I'm always trying to "show him the way" and do things the way I did them. But everyone's recovery is different. And I only know recovery from the alcoholic's side of it...I've never loved someone going through that, and how to support without getting too involved and getting hurt again.
I don't think he was planning a bender over those 4 days, but there would have been another relapse soon. That's interesting you bring up me taking responsibility to lessen the severity of his actions. I'm not really sure. I feel like through my own recovery, I tried to take responsibility for things and reflected a lot on my own mistakes. Like I've certainly had arguments where I could only see MY side of things. I was so sure I was right. Then later (usually late at night when I can't sleep), I just think holy crap, what was I thinking
As I've grown older, I've tried to really listen to the other person and see their side. In the heat of the moment, this is not easy. But in resolving issues, I try to take responsibility for my wrongs. Maybe it's just become something I do w/o thinking now.
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